On March 23, 2023, I wrote the following in my journal entry—
“Momma is dying. Her body is basically shutting down. All of her vitals are getting weaker and weaker. Blood counts are severely low…it’s time to let her go. We’re all going to miss her. I’ve been missing her for a while now.
I called her earlier this evening to check on her. She told me that they have been having a hard time getting blood. It’s like all of her veins are shutting down. They were finally able to draw some from her feet. [My sister] said they called earlier with the results but Momma didn’t want to go to the hospital. She said the doctor said if she didn’t come in tonight he would need to discuss palliative care with her. Momma knows she’s dying. While on the phone with her earlier, she told Nala [her dog] to take care of me for her, not the other way around. Yeah… that’s when I knew.”
My mom knew she was dying. She did all she could to prepare us. At the end of April, she gave my sisters and me our Mother’s Day gifts and gave me money for my upcoming 50th birthday. When I asked why she was giving it to me so early, she blamed it on her forgetfulness and wanted to give it to me while she still remembered. On May 9, 2023, five days before Mother’s Day, she passed.
I ended my journal entry with this—
“It’s weird that Iyanla shared a post about grief not even two hours ago. It’s like God’s preparation before the storm. I love my momma.”
I attached this screenshot of Iyanla’s post to my entry.
As Iyanla said, we owe it to ourselves to grieve, and it’s true.
Unknowingly, I had been grieving my relationship with my mom long before her death, but I didn’t recognize what it was. I had been caring for her for several years while watching her health slowly decline. For years, she hadn’t been the mom I knew. By the time she reached this stage, I was already prepared to let her go physically, but not mentally.
I have a picture of my mom on my nightstand so I can see her whenever I like. She’s smiling. Her smile is my daily reassurance that everything will be alright.
Momma, I miss you.🌺
If you need to grieve, please grieve, and grieve as often as needed. I believe grieving helps us heal.
This is all I have for now. Wishing you a beautiful day and wonderful week. May they be filled with love.♥️
I love you,
Shaun
It’s Shaun’s World 