I have been writing a lot lately. Guess you can say I have had a lot on my mind. Those darn journal entries! Lol.
Last year during quarantine, I found a few journals I had forgotten about. Well, last night I decided to read one from a couple of decades ago. Have you ever been in love with someone who did not feel the same? I’m not talking about being in a relationship where love is clearly one sided. I’m talking about being in love with a friend. A friend who, from what I read, sent out so many mixed signals. From everything I wrote, one would assume he was somewhat in love with me too, or was he just teasing me – if so, how cruel! The reason I say this is because of some of the things he did and said were not things you would do and say to a friend, but to a lover. Eventually, I told him I loved him. Y’all, I don’t remember doing this and cringed while reading it – how embarrassing! The only reaction from him, that I recorded, was him ghosting me for a week or so then he was back like I never confessed my love for him. And we carried on as usual – late night phone calls when we couldn’t sleep. Going places together. Him cooking for me. Teasing each other. I mean, nothing changed except I learned to keep my feelings to myself.
Eventually, I left that duty station and we remained in touch. After I found myself missing him like crazy, I decided to find someone who would make me forget about him. Boy was that a mistake – a big one! Word of advice, don’t listen to people who tell you the best way to get over someone is to find someone else. From my experience, that NEVER works. Believe me, more than likely you will end up regretting it.
Today, I still talk to my friend, who is now happily married. Until last night, I honestly had forgotten about how in love I was with him. Years ago, when we reconnected, I felt like I had found an old friend. Never once did I think, “I was in love with him.” Now, I will say, I always told people he would have been the one I would have married had he asked. Honestly, I would have done it without hesitation because he was my best friend. I loved being with him and everything about him.
Side note – Y’all, I was really in love with this guy and completely forgot about it. Hilarious!
Anyhoo… talk about transparency. I’m pretty sure if he were to read this, he would know it is about him. It’s okay, though. Those feelings are long gone. I am just happy to be his friend and so happy he found love. One day, the same will happen for me.
Okay.. I believe this is enough transparency for today. Maybe for the year. As usual, thanks for reading my ramblings. Wishing you a fabulous week!
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”Jeremiah 1:5
That scripture came from my morning reading. This next part was amongst my Facebook memories from September 19, 2018.
Quote – “God is calling you, equipping you, [and] preparing you according to His purpose.”
And this was my caption in response to the quote:
I’m so thankful God chose me to fulfill His purpose. Despite my quirkiness, He chose me to carry out this part of His mission. So grateful He loves me as I am. There’s NO love like God’s love!
Based on everything written above, sounds like God has a lot of work for me to do. The humbling part is, I do not have to change who I am to fulfill His purpose. As the scripture above suggests, God already knew what kind of person I would be even before I was conceived. He knew I would see and do things slightly different from others. He knew that no matter how hard I would try, I would never fit anyone’s mold. “. . . before you were born I set you apart.” Whew!
Y’all, I needed this reassurance. Sometimes I do not feel like I belong in certain spaces, but for some odd reason God keeps placing me in them. From here on, whenever I feel unqualified I must remember – God chose ME!
Same for you. If you ever find yourself in spaces that you feel unqualified to be in, just remember – God chose YOU! You are the ONLY one qualified to fulfill that specific part of His purpose. Yessss, YOU!!!
Listen, always remember who you are and Whose you are, and everything will work out just fine. Enjoy your week!
Listening to God and following His lead is fairly easy when we are in agreement. However, when I don’t completely agree with where He is leading me, or unsure of the outcome, it is quite difficult. But I’m learning. Yes, slowly but surely, I am learning.
I often reference journal entries and Facebook memories because they give me a picture of where I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes I find that I have grown a lot. However, sometimes I find I haven’t grown at all. That I have only gotten older. Just being transparent.
This brings me to the point of giving God total control to lead. Which means I have to listen and obey without having a hand in the outcome. I am not going to lie, sometimes I do not like following God’s lead because His guidance can result in loss, disappointment, and heartache. Just keeping it real! However, in the end, things always seem to work out for the best. Hmmm… funny how that happens.
Well, what led me to write this blog was a journal entry from September 18, 2017. In the entry, I mentioned two individuals I was dead set on helping even though God kept telling me to cut ties. Y’all, I couldn’t do it. God sent so many signs, but I had other plans. I wrote how it was not about me but the “bigger picture.” But whose bigger picture? Mine or God’s? Honestly, not letting go caused more damage than it would have if I had listened and let go when I was instructed to do so. It took me a minute to be obedient. However, once I was, I began to grow.
As I said, I am still learning. God sees and knows all things. He knows our heart and intentions as well as others. He knows what keeps us stagnant and what promotes growth. Slowly, but surely, I am learning. Anxious to see what God has in store.
I don’t even know where to begin. What happens when what you thought happened and what really happened, aren’t the same?
Been reading journal entries from 1992. Many entries were significant. However, this particular entry – written a few weeks before I left for basic training – hit me like a ton of bricks! Y’all, for almost 30 years I have been retelling this one particular story all wrong, very wrong. Well… maybe I have or maybe not. You decide. I do know that the way I remembered what happened has significantly influenced my life and decisions I have made over the years.
Here is how I have been telling it. How I remembered.
“Blue Eyes (y’all know I don’t use names) and I were sitting in the stairwell when I told him I had joined the Air Force. I could see he was disappointed. The words he said next have haunted me for years – ‘You’re just going to end up pregnant and alone.’ And he was right. I ended up pregnant and alone.”
Well… here is what I wrote on May 4, 1992.
“Blue Eyes said that I’ll probably end up married before I come back.”
Hmmm….. not pregnant and alone. Nothing about me getting pregnant or being alone. Did I really make it all up? Or at the time that I wrote the entry, was it not that significant? Could it be that I did not remember the rest of our conversation until I found out I was pregnant?
Well, for almost 30 years I felt like trash whenever I retold that story. I felt like he thought I was not worthy of love or marriage. As if I was destined to be alone. Did I project this on myself based off of something I thought I remembered? Why did I not remember the married part? Had I gotten married instead of pregnant, would I have remembered?
Sadly, I allowed one story, remembered incorrectly or partially, to control my life. Yes, it has actually controlled my life. It has controlled how I have perceived my worthiness. For years I have always seen myself as a single mother. Of course I eventually got married, but in my mind I was still a single mom. What is even more crazy is, I got married because I wanted to prove my worthiness. That I was worth more than being “pregnant and alone.” You know, sometimes it’s not the big things that happen to us that bothers us the most but the tiniest. Y’all, what I thought I remembered hurt me to my core.
Honestly, I really do believe he said it because I remember the pain from that conversation. It was not a good feeling. And to think that was the last conversation we ever had.
Today, I am releasing all of the remnants from that conversation. How I perceive myself today, and my worthiness, is not based on some conversation in a stairwell almost 30 years ago. From here on out I will no longer view myself as a single mom but as someone who is single with two beautiful children who is worthy of love and marriage.
Resetting my life. Feeling free!
Listen, you better get you a journal.