Guess I’m calling this an awakening because a few hours ago I was hit with a rush of emotions. Honestly, I’ve been more emotional than usual over the past few weeks. Like really anxious. I hate feeling anxious.
So over the past few weeks I’ve been traveling for work, almost daily. I typically leave before sunrise and by the time I return, I’m exhausted. Five to 10 years ago, I would have loved it. Now, not so much. I’m currently working on four projects. Multitasking used to keep things interesting. Now I hate it. I would love to focus on one thing. I believe it’s because I’m in school. Since I’ve been going to school, all I want to do is focus on school. However, most of the time I’m so exhausted from work that I can barely complete assignments. I refuse to give up on school so I need to rethink my work situation.
Then, Momma ended up in the hospital again. She probably doesn’t know how much of a mental and emotional roller coaster my sisters and I go through every time she’s admitted. We just want her to take care of herself. She needs 24-hour care but chooses to stay at home where she barely has help. When she was in rehab, she looked so much better. She was doing so much better. She had people to talk to. She got her nails and hair done every week. She ate three meals a day. Honestly, we didn’t really worry about her. Despite her typical complaints, she seemed happy. So, worrying about her is pretty draining.
I guess the turning point came last night when my mom told me my uncle, who’s the same age as I am, was rushed to the hospital. That did something to me. All I could think about it we’ve been together our entire life. My 15 year old mother was pregnant at the same time as her 30 year old mother. My mom had me a little over a week before my grandma had my uncle. My uncle and I played “cops and robbers” together. We used to race barefoot down the gravel road in front of my grandma’s house. I can still feel the pain of the rocks. Lol. I remember him building miniature fish ponds, complete with filtration systems, out of scraps we found in the trash. We would catch minnows and put them in the pond. So many fond memories. He has to live to be 100+ just like me.
Then, while I was thinking about him, I saw tweets about Bernie Sanders’ daughter-in-law passing at 46. Forty-six. I’m 46. Like, wow! I started bawling. I immediately began to ask myself of I was truly living. I’ve been celebrating Tyler Perry’s accomplishments for days…actually for years, but the last few weeks have been astronomical. I’m still in awe!!
Okay.. back to me. Lol!! I asked myself have I been living. My birthday motto was #46andFree, but have I been living a free life? Shoot, have I been living? I’ve been so consumed with everything around me, including social media, that I haven’t taken care of Shaun. What is it that I want and am I doing it? Not waiting to do it, cause clearly life is short, but actively living in the moment. I’m not. I’ve been living in everyone else’s happiness and success. I love watching God work, but what about watching Him work in my life. Hmmm…
Girl, you better get a grip and start living!!! Everyone’s doing their thing while you’re sitting back watching and aging. WAKE UP!!!
Hopefully my inner being heard and felt that. I really need for her to have and will act on the plea, IMMEDIATELY! I’ve already logged off social media. I love celebrating others but it’s time to celebrate me. I created another Twitter account in June. Been trying to get away from the other. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll log back on to it. I also can’t not log on for the premieres of The Oval and Sistas. I’m excited about those shows. I know Tyler Perry is going to do so well with BET and Viacom. I foresee him owning a company like Viacom. He’s truly amazing. This is such a great time to be alive. Now it’s time for me to pursue my dreams.
Let me close and go to bed. Have to get back on the road in a few hours.
P.S. Please forgive any errors. I’m too tired to proof. Love y’all!