This past week was pretty odd. Part of me wanted to celebrate Tyler Perry’s success, FOREVER!! Y’all, I was on a high. You couldn’t tell me nothing. It was like I had witnessed the greatest miracle of our times. Lol! However, the happiness slowly faded and reality set in.
In my previous blog, I was questioning myself about my status. Was I living. Was I truly free. And the answer was, no. Over time, I have found it easier to bask in everyone else’s glory. I love seeing others succeed. It’s just in me. This past week I realized I would rather watch someone else achieve their dreams than pursue my own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting idle, but I’m not putting my all into my dreams. I’m not going to lie, fear is one of my biggest barriers. And the crazy thing is, it’s the fear of succeeding. The fear of someone seeing me. I love being in the background. I can make mistakes and no one cares. I can stop working towards goals when I want, and again, no one cares. Oh.. and the greatest barrier, what I think people will think. Will they think I’m better than them? Will they criticize me? Will they not support me?
Successful people are forever preaching they never let the thoughts of others get to them. Ha! I fail to believe this. There’s no way you can be human and not care what others think. I wish people were more transparent. I’m not going to lie, it affects me. Sometimes it pushes me to do better, while other times it makes me want to retreat. BUT GOD!!! I’m so grateful I have a God who won’t allow me to stay down! Whew!! Sometimes you would think He was here in person giving me a pep talk or chastising me. It’s actually quite hilarious. And no, I’m not crazy. Hint: This is when journaling comes in handy.
I said all of this to say, I need to see the real. Real pain. Real failure. Real tears. Real heartache. I need to identify with your struggle because my struggle is REAL! And I’m not saying to literally “see” the pain. Just tell me about it. When I tell stories, I give vivid details. I want you to be where I was. I want you to see and smell what I smelled. Guess that’s why it takes me so long to tell a simple story. Lol.
Anyway, that’s all I had to share. Just felt like writing. One day someone will read this stuff. If not, it’s okay. I imagine angels and extraterrestrials reading it and that’s pretty cool. Again, I’m not crazy, just unique… very transparent. 😉