It’s Christmas But I Don’t Feel Jolly

I need to vent and I’m tired of journaling. I need the universe to hear me.

In a few hours I’m going to put on a happy face and sit with someone I really don’t want to be in the room with. For the last four years, this has been my life. I smile and make small talk. I try to avoid eye contact because any contact or friendly gesture makes him think there’s a chance of us getting back together.

I am so frustrated right now. Everyone keeps saying, “Trust God’s timing.” I keep trying to be positive, but it’s becoming harder and harder. All I want for Christmas is for this divorce to be final. I feel like I’m a prisoner who’s pretending to be free. I’m not free!

Yesterday my son asked me if I was okay. He said I seemed depressed lately. He said that I’ve been crying more often and he just wanted me to be okay. Shoot, I hadn’t even noticed my mood had changed. I blamed it on frustration with school, but in reality, all I want is to be divorced. But of course I couldn’t tell him that.

So, in a few hours, I’m going to dry these tears; put on my smile; and be the most positive person on earth…because that’s what I do.

Merry Christmas 🎄

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