Up Thinking

People say when you’re close to a breakthrough, things get worse. I agree. The month before my ex signed the divorce papers, I felt like I was about to lose my mind. I had never been so angry and felt so hopeless. I cried daily. Sometimes several times a day. It’s funny that I didn’t think anyone noticed, but I was wrong. I believe both of my children knew. My son would ask if I was okay and give me random hugs. Yeah, I have the best kids.

Well, this week I’ve found myself feeling angry about another situation. Once it’s resolved, I’ll elaborate more. Just know that I have a hard time respecting manipulative people. The ones who do shady things and tell you they’ll ask for forgiveness later. The one who will take others down just to get ahead. I’m at the point where I can’t even pretend to want to be in their presence. I’m trying to remain positive, but it’s so hard. Which leads me to believe my breakthrough is near. Yeah, I know it’s near because last night my son told me I needed a hug.

So, the week my ex signed the papers was one of my calmest, carefree weeks. I wasn’t stressed at all. I finally gave it to God and said whatever happens, happens. I knew, within my soul, I was divorced. I started to walk as if I were. Then that Friday afternoon, on May 31st, I received the call that he had signed the papers.

All week long I’ve been seeing messages from Pastor Joel Osteen and Bishop T.D. Jakes about being patient and waiting. Yesterday, when I clicked one of Bishop Jakes’ messages, his first words were, “Be still.” God knows my soul was in an uproar at that time. Bishop went on to say don’t make decisions based on emotions. I was like, “Say what?” That message stopped me in my tracks because that’s exactly what I was preparing to do, make a rash decision. He said let God fight your battle. I needed that word. I must let go and let God. He’s helped me before and I know he’ll help me again.

On another note, school is going well. I have an A in my class. This semester I decided not to allow things to stress me out. It’s ironic that most health disparities contribute to, or are caused by stress, and all of my public health classes have been stressful. This semester I’ve responded differently. Whenever I feel myself becoming stressed, I remind myself that this degree isn’t worth my life. It’s okay if every assignment isn’t perfect. Just turn it in… on time! Which is one of the hardest things to do when you know it’s not your best work. Y’all, the struggle is real and it’s mentally draining.

So, my goal for the next few years is to live a stress-free, healthy life. I’m aware that stressors will come, like the current situation I’m dealing with. I just need to learn how to manage my stress better.. in ALL situations. I’ve tried praying, but sometimes I need more than prayer, I need an intervention. Lol.

Anyway, I know God’s working. There must be something big on the horizon because the devil is trying his hardest to make me lose it. However, I refuse to give up or give in. Now that I recognize what’s going on, I have to do like I did at the end if May, walk like the situation is already handled. Because it actually is. God’s got me.

Oh, one more thing… I’m officially LJB again! There’s so much in a name. I’m so happy to have it back. Will I change it again? Perhaps…

Forgive any typos, missed words, incomplete thoughts. I’m sleepy.


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