I’m still in disbelief that my brother is no longer with us. I keep thinking about the weeks leading up to his departure. He was so kind, so genuine. He was our gentle giant.
This isn’t going to be long. Trying not to think about this upcoming week as we prepare for his funeral.
The weekend of my brother’s birthday I was so anxious. My nerves were shot. Couldn’t understand why. I logged off social media for a day after I read an article suggesting people implement self-care techniques and one was logging off on Saturdays (#SeeYouOnSunday). To this day, I can’t believe I logged off without any hesitation or regrets. Little did I know that my brother was sick. It was October 5th, his 46th birthday and the beginning of his last days with us.
After logging back on, I celebrated Tyler Perry’s epic moment with the rest of the world. I tweeted my little heart out and shared so many posts that I was dizzy. It really was a beautiful moment. I was so happy for him. I was happy… ecstatic…
The last I felt that way, my great-great grandfather, Big Daddy passed. That was in the 80’s. After his death, I vowed I would never allow myself to become that happy again and I hadn’t. Around the beginning of this month I was sooo happy. I don’t even remember why. I just know I was happy. I had texted Ki (my daughter) to share my euphoric feeling with her, and I explained how I wasn’t going to allow my fear of being completely happy control my life. I actually texted how the devil wanted me to believe that when people are their happiest they’re about to die. I texted, “Not today Satan!” Little did I know my brother was going to pass. I know the two events aren’t related, but somehow they feel that way.
A few days after Tyler’s celebration, I was hit with a wave of crazy emotions. I kept seeing, “Everything happens for a reason.” Then my mom told me my 46 year old uncle was rushed to the hospital, something I didn’t include in the Facebook post below, because I didn’t want to alarm other family members. It was like the downward spiral after the climax of a good movie. Just when I thought things were going great- Ha! NOT! Now I’m waiting for the happy ending that always happens at the end of a Hallmark movie. There is a happy ending, right?
My dad said God doesn’t make mistakes. It was my brother’s time to leave. Lord please help me with this one.
Here’s the Facebook post I made on October 9, 2019. Little did I know that my brother was sick and would pass ten days later.
God is good. I’m sad. My family is hurting. But as daddy said, God doesn’t make any mistakes. It’s all for His glory. My brother’s last words to me, as they have always been over the years whenever we say goodbye, “I love you, baby.”
Rest in Jesus’ arms my sweet brother. I know you’ll always be with me.