So, this is like the third time I’ve shared today. Told y’all in my initial Wednesday Writings blog that I have a lot on my mind. Today is the day my brother passed and I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about it, but I can’t there’s no way around it. I keep thinking about the months, weeks and days before his death. It’s like part of my life was coming to a climax. I could feel it.
Been crying most of the day so I’m just going to leave it alone because I’m tired of crying.
A few hours ago, I watched a message by Pastor Dharius Daniels – I Don’t Need Closure. Very interesting and so timely. I always say God gives me exactly what I need when I need it. He just loves me like that. Smiling. From the title you would think the message was about not needing closure after a relationship has ended, but it was sooo much more than that. It was about Job (in the Bible) and all that he went through and lost. In the end he regained all that he lost plus more. And God never gave him details about why he went through what he did. Now, I’m not comparing my life to Job’s, but I am wondering when will this pain end. Have I not been faithful? Have I not done all I’ve been asked? I try not to complain. I try to remain hopeful. I always try to take the high road. My feelings get walked all over. And life remains the same. Where am I going wrong? Yeah.. today’s not a good day. I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of being blown off. I’m tired of being the responsible one. Tired of trying to hold everything together. I have feelings and I do hurt. They say there’s a lesson behind every heartache and disappointment, but is there? Especially if you never know why you went through what you did.
As I said in my other blog, I know this is just a moment in time. It will pass. It always does. But right now, it hurts.