Are You Living?

Question of the day–

“Are you living or just existing?”

This quote comes from one of my favorite Tyler Perry movies, “The Family That Preys.” It is a question I tend to ask myself after someone close to me passes.

Last week, I found out one of my cousins was in the hospital, slowly passing away. I had no idea she was sick. Turns out the cancer she thought she beat 12 years ago had returned some time last year. She passed away the day before yesterday. Honestly, I’m numb. I’m speechless. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I feel lost. There’s just so much I am feeling right now. I have been trying to hold back the tears but I’m not doing a good job at it.

My cousin’s name was Adrea. She was my stepdad’s oldest niece. We were both turning 50 this year. Her and my sister right under me shared the same birthdate. And I shared the same birthdate as her dad. We met when we were about five and spent our childhood summers together. Sadly, we only saw each other a few times as adults. The last time we saw each other was about 10 years ago. I just knew we would see one another again at one of our random family reunions.

Yes, today I’m sad. I woke up asking myself if I am living or just existing. It makes me second guess the way I am living. Am I wasting time on certain things when I need to be pursuing other things? I wonder if things are moving a little too slowly. I want so badly to help God along but I am also trying to allow Him to work in His time. Y’all, I really want to scream. I don’t want to die before I experience everything I can possibly imagine. And I want to make it happen now but I don’t want to overstep God’s authority. UGH!!!!!!

Yes… today is a lot!!

Anyhoo… I know I will feel differently later. Just had to get that out. Y’all have a blessed day.♥️

Shaun