I Need To Get This Out, Please Bear With Me

Good Morning☀️

Y’all, I need to get this out before I take on today and this weekend. Been holding it in too long.

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Momma is dead.

Grandma Velleria (momma’s stepmom) is dead.

They are both gone and I am hurting.

Now, I’ve said it.

I’ve acknowledged it.

But it still doesn’t seem real. My soul feels it, my body even feels it because the tears won’t stop flowing; however, there’s a disconnect somewhere. Not sure where, but it’s there.

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I have tried and wished I could skip today and everything this weekend will bring. Not only is today the anniversary of my mom’s death, but it’s also the day of Grandma’s wake, and tomorrow’s her funeral and the next day, Mother’s Day.

Can I scream?!

Is it alright to SCREAM?!!!

I hate funerals.

I hate feeling sad.

I feel terrible because I have only texted one of her children and posted hearts and praying hands under the others’ Facebook posts. That’s about all I could and can manage right now. I love them and feel their pain, but I’m also not ready to acknowledge with them that she’s gone.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even be mentioning it now if I hadn’t woke up to a text from my bestie reminding me to celebrate both women this weekend with laughter and fond memories. UGH!!!! Of course she meant well but I didn’t want the reminder. I didn’t even tell her Grandma had died. She saw it on Facebook. I haven’t even mentioned it our group chats. Shoot, I haven’t even chatted since Grandma passed last week. I’ve been avoiding it. Now, it’s here.

I can’t run from it.

I can’t hide from it.

I can’t keep acting like I don’t feel the pain.

It’s here.

Yeah… I’m feeling a lot this morning. I was going to share something uplifting but decided to go on and get my feelings out the way. Get this cry out and carry on.

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I miss my momma. I can’t even look in the mirror without seeing her in myself. I wish I could’ve taken her pains away—not only her physical pain but the pains of life. All she wanted was to be accepted, respected, and loved. I wish I could give her a good hug just one more time.

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Grandma Velleria will be so missed. She was not the typical grandmother most people my age or older would think of at first thought. She loved life and lived; however, not before going through years of abuse and mistreatment—mostly from my grandfather. They had that Rick James–Teena Marie kind of love. They were together in the 70’s and early 80’s so things were WILD! But once she got away from him, baby, she LIVED! Up until she passed, you could find her listening to music and dancing. She was the life of the party and the light of the family.

Grandma was her mother’s only child. She left behind six of her eight natural children and two stepsons, my uncles. She had nearly 20 grandchildren, and I can’t even begin to list the number of great-grandchildren and their children. Her presence will definitely be missed.

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That’s all for now. Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings, something I probably need to do more often. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers this weekend.

Wishing you a wonderfully, blessed weekend. May yours be filled with lots of love and joy.♥️

I love you always,

Shaun