Life

Pressure

Saw one of my former favorite daytime soap stars, Kristoff St. John, on The Jamie Foxx show. Seeing him reminded me of the song, Pressure, by Jonathan McReynolds. Although Kristoff’s cause of death was listed as hypertrophic heart disease, I believe he died from a broken heart and pressure from others to move past his son’s death. I wish he was given time and space to grieve. He passed away in 2019 at the age of 52.

Pressure by Jonathan McReynolds

Rest in Peace Kristoff St. John

Life

Death

Death.

Seems like the older I become the more death seems to bother me. I’m not saying I wasn’t bothered by it before, but it was just different. When I was younger I believed I would live forever. Now that I’m almost 50, I see things differently. I often feel like I’m in a race against time. Will I achieve my goals before death takes me away from here? I try not to think about death, but it’s hard not to. A week ago, one of my mom’s long-time friends passed. Two weeks before that, a couple my family used to attend church with, died within days of each other. Their son and I were classmates. Then, two days before Ms. Cicely Tyson passed, one of my friends texted me that her dad had just passed unexpectedly. It’s like death is lurking everywhere. Honestly, it’s becoming a little too much.

Y’all, I have so many questions that only God can answer. Am I in a race against death? Will I die before I achieve my goals? Will I live to see my dreams come to fruition? What is God’s definition of “fulfilling your purpose”? Because I believe we could possibly have two completely different definitions. Sometimes I feel like I should stop pursuing my dreams, goals, and purpose, and just settle where I am. You know, just be content with what is. I mean, it would be less stressful. Less time consuming. Less heartbreaking. Less complicated. So why do I want more? Why do I continue to live as if I have 50+ years ahead of me? Why am I still moving forward as if I can have anything imaginable? Why?

Life.

My life.

Shaun

Life

This Death Thing Is Something Else!

Another day, another death. Saturday’s news caught me off guard. I knew it was coming but didn’t know when. Just as I arrived in town to celebrate my aunt’s 64th birthday, I received the text. My friend had passed. It’s still hard to believe she’s gone. But, this morning, as soon as I was coming to terms with her death, I received another text that one of my brother’s best friends had died.

You know, I really don’t know what’s happening with me and this death thing. I have never taken death this hard. I would cry after I heard the news then I would go on about my day. Something changed last year. Even before my brother’s death. I don’t know what happened, but it did. It all began around this same time last year. I know because I have been reading my Facebook memories. Ha! I refuse to read my journal entries. I don’t know if I really want to know what was going on. All I know is, something happened. From what I read, I was on this kick about living and pursuing my best life. Then this eerie feeling came over me and I couldn’t shake it for nothing. Days before my brother got sick– sometime around his birthday– I became anxious. Then the day before my brother was admitted to the hospital my mom told me that my uncle, who’s only a week or so younger than me, was sick. I remember weeping for him. Praying that God didn’t take him. Instead, He took my brother who had just celebrated his 46th birthday. I know it was his time to go, but it doesn’t make it any easier to process.

So here I am again, a year later, with people my age dying. Every time someone dies it makes me feel like I’m just wasting my life. Like time is just ticking away and I’m not accomplishing anything. I know things are happening, but they’re not happening fast enough. I need for this COVID thing to be over. I want to visit my sister. I want to travel. I have a world of things left to do.

Whew!! How did I go from being so strong over the years to being so emotional? Honestly, I’m really not feeling this “emotional” Shaun. Right now I need the Shaun who could bounce back from anything. Where you at, girl??

I don’t think my heart can take another loss.

Shaun

Life

Feeling Some Kind of Way

I have had a headache since yesterday. Finally took something for it. What was supposed to be a fun extended weekend has turned into a weekend of reflections and questions. Nothing new, just the same questions I tend to ask myself when someone close passes. Basically, am I living or am I wasting time. On one hand I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be because when I rush things I tend to make bad decisions. However, I feel like if I don’t move, I might not live to see my dreams come to pass.

Today is one of my sisters’ birthday. I am so grateful she is still here. Today should be a joyous occasion for her, instead she is trying to cope with our sister-friend’s loss. God please give her peace. Give her family peace.

Life is precious and so short. I have a lot of decisions to make. I do not want to find myself in the same place and predicament this time next year.

Next month would have been my brother’s 47th birthday. Yesterday my dad finished his tombstone. My stepmom had to push him to get it done. We know this was the hardest one to make, but he had to do it. None of us want his death to be real, but it is. Yesterday my stepmom said that her girls are her angels. That she could not have made it without us. Life.

Just felt like writing. Going to go back to sleep, now. My headache seems to be subsiding. I cannot wait to get on the road to head home. I miss my babies. Can’t wait to hug them, if I hug them. I cannot ignore the fact COVID-19 is still here. Everyone I have interacted with have taken proper precautions, but I will not take any chances with my babies. So I will skip the hugs for now.

Good night, y’all. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Shaun