When I woke up this morning, the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate Mother’s Day. I just wasn’t feeling it. But God and my daughter had different plans. I’m so glad she decided to come home this weekend. I needed her company. I needed the love, laughs, hugs (from both of my hearts), and good food. I may have lost my mother, but… I am a mother. God blessed me with two beautiful souls. How could I not celebrate this honor?
My daughter is on her way back home. We did more in about 18 hours than we would have done the entire weekend. When I tell you we laughed, danced, sang, ate, watched Netflix (started “Forever”), had a few deep conversations, and ate some more.🥰
To the mothers and mother figures who nurture and give selflessly, “Happy Mother’s Day!” You are loved and appreciated.💕🌸💗
I wanted to share an update to this morning’s post, “I Need To Get This Out, Please Bear With Me.” In short, I’m feeling so much better. I decided to drive up for the funeral today instead of waiting until tomorrow. And I’m glad I did. As much as I wanted to be alone, I needed to be around family. I needed the love, laughs, and hugs. God is good.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! I needed them. Wishing you a peaceful, relaxing evening.🙏🏽♥️
Y’all, I need to get this out before I take on today and this weekend. Been holding it in too long.
Momma is dead.
Grandma Velleria (momma’s stepmom) is dead.
They are both gone and I am hurting.
Now, I’ve said it.
I’ve acknowledged it.
But it still doesn’t seem real. My soul feels it, my body even feels it because the tears won’t stop flowing; however, there’s a disconnect somewhere. Not sure where, but it’s there.
I have tried and wished I could skip today and everything this weekend will bring. Not only is today the anniversary of my mom’s death, but it’s also the day of Grandma’s wake, and tomorrow’s her funeral and the next day, Mother’s Day.
Can I scream?!
Is it alright to SCREAM?!!!
I hate funerals.
I hate feeling sad.
I feel terrible because I have only texted one of her children and posted hearts and praying hands under the others’ Facebook posts. That’s about all I could and can manage right now. I love them and feel their pain, but I’m also not ready to acknowledge with them that she’s gone.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even be mentioning it now if I hadn’t woke up to a text from my bestie reminding me to celebrate both women this weekend with laughter and fond memories. UGH!!!! Of course she meant well but I didn’t want the reminder. I didn’t even tell her Grandma had died. She saw it on Facebook. I haven’t even mentioned it our group chats. Shoot, I haven’t even chatted since Grandma passed last week. I’ve been avoiding it. Now, it’s here.
I can’t run from it.
I can’t hide from it.
I can’t keep acting like I don’t feel the pain.
It’s here.
Yeah… I’m feeling a lot this morning. I was going to share something uplifting but decided to go on and get my feelings out the way. Get this cry out and carry on.
I miss my momma. I can’t even look in the mirror without seeing her in myself. I wish I could’ve taken her pains away—not only her physical pain but the pains of life. All she wanted was to be accepted, respected, and loved. I wish I could give her a good hug just one more time.
Grandma Velleria will be so missed. She was not the typical grandmother most people my age or older would think of at first thought. She loved life and lived; however, not before going through years of abuse and mistreatment—mostly from my grandfather. They had that Rick James–Teena Marie kind of love. They were together in the 70’s and early 80’s so things were WILD! But once she got away from him, baby, she LIVED! Up until she passed, you could find her listening to music and dancing. She was the life of the party and the light of the family.
Grandma was her mother’s only child. She left behind six of her eight natural children and two stepsons, my uncles. She had nearly 20 grandchildren, and I can’t even begin to list the number of great-grandchildren and their children. Her presence will definitely be missed.
That’s all for now. Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings, something I probably need to do more often. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers this weekend.
Wishing you a wonderfully, blessed weekend. May yours be filled with lots of love and joy.♥️
As much as I have been trying to avoid the subject, it’s not going away. On this day two years ago, I spoke to my mom for the last time while she was awake—not coherent or even alert, but awake. She had talked for two days nonstop. When I say nonstop, I mean for the entire 48 hours. She had had conversations with people who had passed away, people who were in the room who I couldn’t see, and every now and then, she’d talk to me. I didn’t ask the nurse for anything to help her sleep because, for the first time in decades, she wasn’t in any pain or uncomfortable. She was just talking. So, I let her talk. I still remember her asking for breakfast almost every hour during the last night of her conversations. It was like talking to a toddler who wouldn’t go to sleep—“Go to sleep, and when you wake up, your food will be here.” She’d be quiet (but whispering, I could hear her😂) for 15-30 minutes before she would ask again, “Is it time to eat breakfast?”
While looking through my photos this morning, I found the last picture I took of her while she was awake. I remember sending it to my sisters to show them she was okay and had finally stopped talking. The more I look at it, the more I can see that she was actually gone. Her body was still functioning, but she wasn’t there. The time stamp was 8:37 PM on May 4, 2023. Here’s a TikTok video I shared that evening at 9:48 PM. I had no clue that only a few hours later she would have her second seizure of the week and never regain consciousness. She died on May 9th, a few days before Mother’s Day.
Here’s a photo taken a few weeks after she had me. Y’all, I can’t believe she died before my 50th birthday.💔
I miss her.
A few days ago, her stepmother passed away. When I tell you it felt like losing her all over again. I can’t believe they’re actually gone, and I’ll never see them again.😔
I’ll end here.
I pray that you have a wonderful day filled with love, peace, and happiness. You deserve it.♥️
This post has been in my drafts since January 8, 2022. I wrote it for another blog, but can’t locate the link. Glad I saved it here. This was my mother.
Title: Momma, I See You
I was born to a teenage mother, who was born to a teenage mother, who was born to a teenage mother. Yep.. three generations of teen moms. My mother was 14 years old when she became pregnant with me and 15 when she gave birth. What’s ironic is my grandmother was also pregnant. Not only was she about to birth her eighth child at 30, but she was also about to become a first time grandmother. Can you imagine being 30 years old with eight children and your first grandchild on the way? Oh… and my great grandmother, my grandmother’s mom, had 12 children at the time and she was only 43. Y’all, I’m 47 with two children. Had my first child at 21 and my second at 30. Just thinking about what it must have felt like being a teenage mother is unimaginable, let alone having multiple children and grandchildren by the age of 30.
Well, a few years ago, during one of my mom’s frequent visits to the emergency room, I thought about what it must have felt like to be responsible for another life at such a young age. When I arrived at the hospital, she was in so much pain. Every time the nurses touched her she moaned. I wanted to help but couldn’t. Finally the doctor gave her something to ease the pain and she fell asleep. I didn’t leave. I just sat there watching her sleep. Honestly, it was like watching a stranger. The person I saw lying there wasn’t the loud, strong, opinionated woman I knew. This woman was vulnerable, tired, and broken. That’s when it hit me that she was so much more than my mother, she was a woman.
While sitting there, I began reminiscing about my childhood and the sacrifices she had made for me and my five siblings. She always made sure our needs were met even if she had to go without. When I was a baby, she worked in the cotton fields to buy me clothes and pampers. She married a man twice her age, and endured abuse, so that she could support me. By the time she divorced him two years later, she had another little girl to support. Although she had two toddlers, she graduated from high school early and enrolled in college. At 18 she was walking the campus of Jackson State University with two in tow. I still remember attending night classes with her when she couldn’t find a babysitter. During that time she was always learning something new as well as introducing us to new things. For me, that was the most exciting time of my childhood. Also, she was no stranger to hard work. Throughout my childhood, I don’t ever remember hearing her complain about taking on second jobs or not being able to take off for vacations. She did what she had to do to provide for her family. I remember how one year she walked miles to work in the snow, while pregnant with one of my younger sisters. One day she slipped and fell and still went to work. That’s how dedicated and selfless she was. Although she experienced heartaches, disappointments, and abuse, we rarely saw her cry. She was the rock of the family.
Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital I was a changed woman. I saw my mom through a different lens. Not only her but my grandmother and great grandmother as well. I often wonder what kind of sacrifices and compromises did they have to make to ensure their children had everything they needed.
Listen, like most mother-daughter relationships, my mother and I have had our ups and downs. However, it wasn’t until I put myself in her shoes that I was able to better understand some of her experiences and decisions. I will admit that the woman she was throughout my childhood made me the woman I am today, and for that, I’m grateful.
The months I spent with her before she passed were a blessing I didn’t know I needed. I needed that time with her. Even though it was like caring for a child at times, I still knew I was hers. So many times I wanted to climb up in the hospital bed with her.
My momma…
She made us take pictures that day (June 1997). She just had to have a family photo even though we weren’t dressed for one.😅We were so unserious. But it was her day, and there was no way we weren’t going to comply. She was still Momma! We also took pictures with my grandma (her mom). About a couple of weeks later, my grandma suddenly died. The following year, my mom became paralyzed from the waist down.
Life can change in the blink of an eye. Make sure you cherish every moment with those you love.♥️
“Just look up. Tomorrow’s sun will let you know your life’s not done. Just look around. Love’s pouring down. Trust in God.”
Those are a few lines from The Winans’ song, “Trust In God.”
This morning, I’m keeping my prayers going. Praying those experiencing grief, sadness, or anger due to their loss don’t lose their trust and faith in God. Let God send a sign of hope their way, even if it’s just a glimpse.🙏🏽
According to the song, God bottles up our every tear and understands our every fear, meaning we matter. Despite what things may look and feel like, God cares and loves us, and He’ll never leave us.
Today, I’m remembering my brother, Alton Sutton, Jr. He passed away on this day five years ago (October 19, 2019). There’s so much I want to say, but at the moment, I’m finding it hard to articulate my thoughts. When I tell you his presence in our family is so missed.
My brother was our gentle giant—kind, caring, loving, and very mild mannered. Definitely had a heart of gold. He was my dad and stepmom’s only son.
We were on this earth together for 46 years. Born almost three months apart (I was the oldest). Practically, twins… Yes, I miss him.
May he continue to rest in power and peace.🙏🏽🕊️♥️
Taken a year before his death.We are my dad’s girls. This picture was taken at the hospital the night before my brother passed.🙏🏽
This weekend was hard because it reminded me of my brother’s death in October 2019. However, now I’m remembering one of the happier moments of October 2019.
This morning I was bombarded with all kinds of wonderful memories of my fav being celebrated. Little did I know that two extremes could happen in the same month. To be on ten at one point—because I was celebrating and posting like I was there with Tyler Perry. I was so excited and happy for him! Only to hit zero—less than zero—two weeks later when my brother died. Y’all, I could scream now! Life is something else!
Anyhoo… I’m going to keep it on a happy note. No tears today.
Here’s what I shared five years ago after purchasing this magazine.
He deserves his roses.🌹
Now, here’s what I shared moments ago when I reshared it on Facebook.
Facebook Present😉: October 7, 2024
Great memory!! I believe this was one of Tyler Perry’s most memorable years of his success and brilliance being on display for the world to see. That summer he made one of his most famous speeches at the BET awards about the importance of ownership and not allowing anyone to stop us from fulfilling our dreams. It was also the same year, and around this time, that Tyler Perry Studios had its grand opening. Oh, and he also got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What a year that was!🌟
For me, it was the excitement of watching God fulfill a dream in real time. I had been following Tyler’s endeavors for a while, and it was great to see him celebrated. But, listen, Tyler’s dream isn’t the only one I’ve been following. No, I’ve been following YOURS, too! I see YOU, and I see what God is doing in your life. You may not always see it because you’re too close to it. However, God is working and doing some AMAZING things in your life. Whatever you dreamed WILL come to fruition. I see it!!
I look at Tyler’s story and his success as motivation to keep going. Yes, all of us will have setbacks, as Tyler did. However, we must not give up. Listen, cry when you need to cry. Take a break when needed. But whatever you do, NEVER give up on your dreams! Love you!♥️
**Just want to add, it’s so cool that he’s sharing the cover with baby Archie. I bet he never imagined in a million years he would become a godfather to an actual princess. How beautiful is that!💖
Again, great memory!
Y’all, as I mentioned, I’m following YOUR dreams, too. I see YOU. I see God working. I see who you’re becoming. Don’t give up!
First, I want to thank everyone who said a prayer for me yesterday. It wasn’t easy for me to share how I was feeling. I had actually shared a more detailed post hours earlier, then unpublished it soon afterwards. As I said in my previous post, I hate feeling vulnerable, and openly sharing that much of my life made me feel so. So, thank you for allowing me a space to share because I really needed it. At the time that I posted it, I was on my way from the airport to the hotel and was trying not to start bawling during the ride. However, trying to hold it in was short lived. As soon as I got to the front desk to check in, the tears started pouring out, and I was boohooing all over the place. Y’all, I was so embarrassed, but couldn’t stop. Everyone was hugging me. I mean everyone. Even people waiting in the lobby. I was a mess…
After I got to my room, I FaceTimed my daughter and the first words out of her mouth were, “You look terrible!” And I did! That was my first time seeing myself. Y’all, I had been crying the whole trip—on my to the airport, on the plane, during my layover. The tears just kept coming. The other part of her response was laughter (we tend to do this at the weirdest times). Baby she laughed! And I couldn’t help but laugh too because I looked horrible! She kept apologizing, but said she’d never seen me look so bad in my life. Like I was in some movie or something. Then we laughed even more. I had planned on going to the opening ceremony last night, but was advised by my daughter to sit it out. She was like you already look bad, the last thing you want to do is be crying all over the place. So, I took her advice—even though I really wanted to hear our opening speaker. Then, I went and got something to eat, took a shower, and got in bed.
Y’all, I love my hearts. My son said to let him know if I needed anything. As if he could do much from hundreds of miles away. But his heart was in the right place. When I tell you I am truly blessed.
I don’t know how today will go. I feel much better, now. However, the grief that I experienced yesterday was so unexpected. So, I can only pray that today will be a more pleasant day. Something did come to mind—which could’ve been a trigger—I was attending a conference when my brother died. I was at a state conference in the same city as his hospital. Had seen him the night before. He just kept saying he was tired. So tired. He had been in ICU over a week and they’d tried everything. By the way, he had MRSA, one of the worst staph infections you can get, and it had spread to his heart. We never figured out how he got it. The doctors wanted to try one more surgery to see if it would help or prolong his life. I remember calling my stepmom to tell her I was about to leave the conference to head back to the hospital and she told me not to rush because he was gone. That they were waiting on everyone to make it to the hospital to say our final goodbyes. So maybe I was subconsciously triggered by the conference and it being his birthday. When I tell you life be lifeing for real!
Well, I’m going to end here. Going to turn over and get a few more hours of sleep before I start my day. Can’t wait to mingle, network and enjoy the free food samples. Outside of the National Restaurant Association Show (it’s huge!), our conference has some of the best food vendors. Met one yesterday while waiting for my food. Can’t wait to stop by their booth.☺️
As always, thank you so much for reading. Hopefully what I’ve written makes sense, if not it’s okay. I just needed to write. Now, I need to go back to sleep. However, before I do, I’ll end with this Facebook memory, which is very timely. Can’t make this stuff up!
Facebook Memory: October 6, 2023
You better live! Life isn’t slowing down or waiting for you to catch up. Stop putting everyone else first like they’re more important than you. Listen… and hear me good… No one is more important or more valuable than you are. No one! You’re not being selfish, self-centered or inconsiderate. Nah… You’re just recognizing your worth. Now it’s time you start living in it. Love you!♥️
It’s Shaun’s World 
You must be logged in to post a comment.