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Today I wanted to sink back into my comfort zone, my old Twitter account. I’m kind of frustrated with school right now. I received a grade without any true explanation for the grade. The grade wasn’t bad, but I wanted an explanation for why certain points were taken off. Instead I received a general message that was written for the entire class about making sure our APA format was correct. Oh, and that our originality reports were close to 0% plagiarism. Mine was 25%. When I reviewed the report, the headings were similar to another student’s and my references weren’t original. Really??? However, the content of the paper was all original- ALL ORIGINAL! Nothing plagiarized. I’m going to email the instructor as soon as I cool off. How in the world am I supposed to have an originality report of 0%. It’s almost impossible when references are included. See it’s things like this that gives me anxiety, and then all I want to do is get lost in social media.

I want to go back to my old personal account sooo badly. I want to tweet about my shows. I want to promote shows. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like I’ve lost a part of me. Facebook and Instagram are okay, but not the same.

I know I can’t go back. I know I have to move forward. My other social media accounts are okay, but they’re not the same. Everyone is so serious and boring. No one laughs. No one shares anything about shows they enjoy or movies they’ve watched. Ugh!! Guess this is the price I have to pay for moving forward and becoming like the rest of the world.

Anyhoo… God knows best. Don’t know what He’s doing, but it must be for my good.

Shaun

From reading past journal entries, I’ve discovered that the month of March is when transformations begins.

February is when I typically start preparing for whatever sets the tone for the year. March is when I start making decisions. March is also when the flowers began to bloom. It’s when the sun shines a little more. It’s when I find myself smiling more. March is my happy place. My peaceful place. Looking forward to what God has planned.

Side note: I’m also bracing myself for whatever comes in between. April is usually a beast! Just saying. Lol. May is when it everything settles down. And JUNE!!! Y’all already know, JUNE IS MY MONTH! Somehow, God ALWAYS makes my birthday month extra special. ALWAYS! This is #Year47, y’all! I’m already excited!

#ForeverGrateful

Shaun

One of the verses in Zhané’s song “For a Reason” says, “Letting go can be the hardest thing to do.” It’s crazy because I should’ve let go a long time ago but I was too afraid. Afraid of the unknown. God always sends messages, but ultimately we choose what we listen to. I guess you could say the past three days were about moving forward.

This past weekend I had to decide whether to continue doing the same things I’ve grown accustomed to or make a change. I decided I wanted change more than I wanted to hold on to what was. I’m leaving the hurts, disappointments, and mistakes of the past two decades in the past and starting anew.

All weekend long it was me and God. He knew I needed this time to transition. Guess that’s why my son spent the last three days at his dads (which is unusual). I spent time watching movies and reflecting on the last few years of the decade. In between, I listened to different sermons by Bishop T.D. Jakes on YouTube. Whatever popped up is what I listened to.

One sermon was “Kill the Bull.” I thought it had nothing to do with what I was going through, but decided to listen anyway. Past experiences have taught me that I cannot judge a sermon by the title. Guess what, I needed to kill a bull. My personal Twitter account was a bull that needed to be killed. Not the account per say, but the value I placed on the account. I spent more time on it than I did worshipping God. You see, anything, or anyone, that receives more attention than God is an idol. Hmm… should’ve gotten that message when my house flooded. Anyhoo… I had to let it go. Of course I felt like I was being ripped apart inside. I’ve had that account for more than six years. It had become a part of me. No, I didn’t delete it. However, I logged off. The reason I didn’t delete it is because I’ve learned from past experiences that things that happen in our lives happen for a reason and when we try to erase it, we lose part of ourselves. Guess I should explain.

Back in 1999 or 2000, I threw away part of my life. I had CDs and books I had collected over many years. I was at a point in my life where I was trying to transition to a new level. Kind of like now. So I threw everything away. Later I realized I threw away a piece of me. There’s not a day that I don’t regret it. For me, this Twitter account has the same value. If I were to delete it, I would delete a part of me. I have to treat it like I treat my journals, go back and visit from time to time, but not stay. It’s my new past.

So, this new future. I have no idea what it holds. I do know that I have to trust and believe that everything will work in my favor. I need to exercise my faith more, knowing that God will replace whatever I’ve lost with better.

Yesterday’s messages included Bishop Paul Morton’s sermon at The Potter’s House- “Faith Stops at the Question.” His message was confirmation because I had a problem with asking “Why?” “Why me?” “Why am I like I am?” “Why do I experience the things I do?” Before I heard his message God had already told me to stop asking “why” because I already knew the answer. Y’all, when I tell you that God will send confirmations! Whew! All we have to do is trust Him.

The final sermon I listened to was on YouTube, Bishop Jakes’ “Favor Ain’t Fair, Part 2.” When I tell you that was the icing on the cake! It summed up why I needed to let go. He said that sometimes we get stuck on one level when God’s trying to elevate us to the next. We become comfortable then frustrated when the blessings stop coming. And that’s exactly when it’s time to move on. Again, confirmation.

Well, I’m finally listening. It’s time to move to the next level. I realize I was supposed to let go a while ago, but I liked where I was. I was comfortable and I felt safe. However, it came at a price that was wearing on me and eventually it would’ve set me back. I would have settled. I’m so grateful God didn’t let me fall. I’m so grateful He loves me.

I’m finally listening God. Thank You for being so patient with me. Thank You for Your love, mercy and grace.

As always, forgive any errors. I always have so much to say but not enough time to say it. It’s Presidents Day and I have to work. Life.

#Year46

Shaun

Yep.. I’ve got the Valentine’s Day blues. This is my first Valentine’s Day since my divorce. The other four didn’t count. I was separated, but still married. So I could care less about Valentine’s Day. Now I’m single and all of a sudden it matters. Being alone on Valentine’s Day really sucks!

I’m trying to decide if I want to log off of social media the entire weekend. I don’t want to see gifs, pics, or posts about love or engagements. Honestly, I don’t even want to hear the words “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Well, my kids can say them. I feel a “Bah Humbug ” coming on for everyone else.

Last week one of my coworkers, and one of my friends, tried to coax me into creating a Tinder account. They said the old way of meeting men doesn’t work anymore. That I would have to meet them online. Do y’all know how scary that is? Then I saw Star Jones on the Tamron Hall Show saying how she met her husband online. I was like, “WOW! People really find their spouses online.” I was totally amazed. Crazy, huh!

I keep praying about my singleness, asking God if I should wait for Him to send someone cause I’m tired of being single (not good at dating, I’m ready for a relationship); or should I go out and find someone (which is basically what I’ve always done). One part of me is saying, “Girl, you KNOW you better wait on God.” The other part is saying, “You want to wait until you’re 80?” Y’all don’t know how hard I’m trying not to make the same mistakes. I’m trying so hard not to go looking cause I don’t typically choose well. The struggle is real! Honestly, I’m trying to wait on God. However, I’m becoming real impatient.

Anyhoo… Life is funny. I never imagined myself in this predicament. NEVER!

On another note, I want to see The Photograph movie. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow morning during the matinee. Hopefully everyone will still be in bed celebrating or somewhere eating brunch. Or maybe I’ll drive down to the beach. The water always calms my nerves and clears my mind. I’ll let y’all know what I decided to do in my next blog. Well, If you do have a boo, enjoy your day/weekend. I’m not going to hate on your fun. Lol

Shaun

The other day I made a profound (yes, I’m deep like that- lol) post on Facebook and Twitter about forgiveness. Oh.. it was good. Got a few likes on both sites. Maybe even a couple of shares. I wrote:

‪Forgiveness is a powerful tool. Sitting here thinking about how forgiving others changed my life. It’s one thing to say you forgive someone and another to mean it. When you mean it, things begin to change.‬

‪#GodIsGood ‬

‪#ForeverGrateful ‬

Anyway, I believed what I wrote. I felt it. Then last night happened. Yeah, been watching Tyler Perry’s The Haves and Have Nots (HAHN). Usually nothing gets to me. I’m able to laugh things off or go with the flow of the story. However, this Charles and Candace storyline has done something to me. It started with last season. Charles was the president elect. Candace, a mean and hateful call girl/escort (I don’t know what they call them today but a high-class prostitute. Lol). Anyhoo, because of him, she had begun to change. She had turned over a new leaf. Had forgiven her mom, Hanna, for things she spent her entire life hating her for. I mean, I was rooting for them both. Then, the press found out Charles was dating a prostitute. His response was downright heartbreaking.

Instead of defending her, he decided to treat her like trash. Made her leave in the trunk of the car. He just wrote her off. Boy did that hit home. Every relationship I’ve put my heart in, I’ve been treated the same way. That’s why I’ve refused to get close to anyone. My kids say I “friend zone” guys. Yes, my kids know me so well. Well, they think they know me. Lol.

Okay.. I’ll attempt to stay on track. Lol. What I’m getting at is, I’ve had so many heartbreaks over the past 30+ years. Thought I was good. But dang, I still feel the pain. I’m not sure if it’s something I will ever get over. I know I sound like a lunatic tweeting about Charles. Last night I actually said I hated him. And I meant that. Which has lead me to step back and reevaluate my feelings. I’ve lived my life not giving second chances to those I’ve been in love with. Well, I gave one.. ONLY one a second chance and haven’t been the same since. Honestly, I have forgiven him. He could roll up today and I don’t have any ill feelings against him. When I forgave him 7-8 years ago, I forgave him. But that’s when my marriage fell apart. I had allowed the anger I had for him fuel my dysfunctional marriage. Crazy, huh. Then when I made peace with him, I knew I had to set my ex-husband free. He deserved to be with someone who loved him.

Isn’t life funny. One fictional story has brought up so many feelings that I believed were gone. Now, it’s really time to move on. To truly forgive. Everyone is still rooting for Charles and Candace to get back together. Not sure if I’m there yet. I wanted him to be like our real life prince, Prince Harry. What he’s done for his family is remarkable. He’s the kind of prince we’ve all dreamed of. Yes, I’m a romantic. Think I always will be. BUT… I know I have to be willing to truly forgive before I can move on.

As always, God is good. Maybe during next week’s episode I won’t be so harsh. LOL! And forgive any errors. Just felt like writing. No time to proof. I need to get ready for work.

Shaun

Thought I’d write a few words before I start my day. Today’s my first day back to work in this new decade. Yay!!! Yes, I’m being a little sarcastic. Wish I could sleep in a few more days. Anyhoo… Been up since 4:00 a.m. thinking (as usual) and working on my Mississippi Thriving social media sites. I know where I want to go with Mississippi Thriving; however, are others willing to go with me.

A few minutes ago it dawned on me that I’m losing my smile. I can see it fading. I see it in pictures. I feel it within. Which means, I can let it fade or I can make it SHINE!

I know what makes me smile. I love loving on others. I love being that cheerleader. But I believe my personality is a little too much for most. I really do become excited about the smallest things. And I’m very emotional. So I can turn something simple into a miracle. I refer to it as “watching God work.” I mean, because He is actually working. From the smallest details to the manifested product, God is in it all.

I’ve decided to seek out people who don’t mind my personality or a little love. I’m going to start showcasing their stories on Mississippi Thriving sites. I want people to see others the way I see them. I want them to see God’s work the way I see it. It’s in the details. The tiniest details. Mississippi is thriving. People just have to pay attention to notice.

I can’t lose my smile. It’s who I am. I was meant to SHINE!

#Smiling
#Shining

Shaun