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People say when you’re close to a breakthrough, things get worse. I agree. The month before my ex signed the divorce papers, I felt like I was about to lose my mind. I had never been so angry and felt so hopeless. I cried daily. Sometimes several times a day. It’s funny that I didn’t think anyone noticed, but I was wrong. I believe both of my children knew. My son would ask if I was okay and give me random hugs. Yeah, I have the best kids.

Well, this week I’ve found myself feeling angry about another situation. Once it’s resolved, I’ll elaborate more. Just know that I have a hard time respecting manipulative people. The ones who do shady things and tell you they’ll ask for forgiveness later. The one who will take others down just to get ahead. I’m at the point where I can’t even pretend to want to be in their presence. I’m trying to remain positive, but it’s so hard. Which leads me to believe my breakthrough is near. Yeah, I know it’s near because last night my son told me I needed a hug.

So, the week my ex signed the papers was one of my calmest, carefree weeks. I wasn’t stressed at all. I finally gave it to God and said whatever happens, happens. I knew, within my soul, I was divorced. I started to walk as if I were. Then that Friday afternoon, on May 31st, I received the call that he had signed the papers.

All week long I’ve been seeing messages from Pastor Joel Osteen and Bishop T.D. Jakes about being patient and waiting. Yesterday, when I clicked one of Bishop Jakes’ messages, his first words were, “Be still.” God knows my soul was in an uproar at that time. Bishop went on to say don’t make decisions based on emotions. I was like, “Say what?” That message stopped me in my tracks because that’s exactly what I was preparing to do, make a rash decision. He said let God fight your battle. I needed that word. I must let go and let God. He’s helped me before and I know he’ll help me again.

On another note, school is going well. I have an A in my class. This semester I decided not to allow things to stress me out. It’s ironic that most health disparities contribute to, or are caused by stress, and all of my public health classes have been stressful. This semester I’ve responded differently. Whenever I feel myself becoming stressed, I remind myself that this degree isn’t worth my life. It’s okay if every assignment isn’t perfect. Just turn it in… on time! Which is one of the hardest things to do when you know it’s not your best work. Y’all, the struggle is real and it’s mentally draining.

So, my goal for the next few years is to live a stress-free, healthy life. I’m aware that stressors will come, like the current situation I’m dealing with. I just need to learn how to manage my stress better.. in ALL situations. I’ve tried praying, but sometimes I need more than prayer, I need an intervention. Lol.

Anyway, I know God’s working. There must be something big on the horizon because the devil is trying his hardest to make me lose it. However, I refuse to give up or give in. Now that I recognize what’s going on, I have to do like I did at the end if May, walk like the situation is already handled. Because it actually is. God’s got me.

Oh, one more thing… I’m officially LJB again! There’s so much in a name. I’m so happy to have it back. Will I change it again? Perhaps…

Forgive any typos, missed words, incomplete thoughts. I’m sleepy.

Shaun

Last year was the first time I had an anxiety attack. I was in Walmart and I had the strangest feeling. I felt surrounded and it became difficult to breathe. I had to find a vacant isle and force myself to calm down. I believe it happened during my final weeks in class.

Today I didn’t have an anxiety attack but I felt uneasy, like something was happening somewhere and I could feel it. The last time I felt this way, I believe I was feeling someone else’s anxiety. It’s hard to explain. That day I went for a walk. Today I prayed and asked for peace. Also, a few weird things kept happening today. I was delayed several times while trying to leave for a focus group session that was scheduled two hours away. I got there in just the nick of time. Then when I got home I had to finish my discussion.

Now stress. Let’s discuss stress. It’s something I’m trying to avoid at all cost. I’m trying so hard not to allow school to drive me crazy this time around. So far, what is, is. I have an A in the class. I can’t focus on whether it’s a high A or a low one. I need to focus on doing my best while staying stress free. Today that almost didn’t happen. I can tell my stress level increased because I still can’t go to sleep and I’m super tired. It’s like I’m wired. I need to unwind. Maybe I’ll listen to Deepak or a YouTube video. Anyway, good night.

This one was very random. Also, I don’t feel like editing this. I’m sleepy.

Sitting here debating whether or not to respond to this week’s discussion. I posted my part of the discussion. It’s responding to three of my classmates posts that’s the struggle. If I could make simple posts based on my opinion, it wouldn’t be a problem. The problem comes in when I have to provide references for my responses. I don’t feel like reading their posts then try to find references to back up my responses. I know I’m being petty and could be responding instead of writing this blog, but I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE IT! Lord, why am I so stubborn?

Well… I don’t feel like being scholarly right now. The worst part is, I just received another 100 on my paper. It seems like I put so much effort into writing the papers that I have very little left in me to do the discussions. And my professor commented on how well I’m doing in the class. Ugh! The struggle is real!!

Y’all pray my strength in the Lord. I’m going to need many prayers over the next few years. Many thanks in advance.

Shaun
Yes, I’m having a tantrum. LOL

Usually I choose a title or theme prior to writing. However, today I’m going to write and let the theme occur naturally. Guess you can say I’m going with the flow– being free.

This month was nothing short of amazing. On May 31st I received the call that my ex had finally signed the divorce papers. I was ecstatic. Y’all, I cannot say ecstatic without hearing it in Mike Tyson’s voice. Something only those who grew up in the 80’s will understand. Lol. Anyway, I remember tears of joy flowing. God had granted me this blessing right before my birthday month. I was able to welcome June with open arms and no baggage. Well, that’s how I felt on May 31st.

I would like to say that feeling lasted from the beginning to the end of June, but I can’t. My happiness dwindled the day I received my court date for June 17th. I needed the judge’s signature to make it official. That’s when doubt began to set in. Even though I was repeatedly told I was divorced, I knew anything could happen at that hearing. You know, things like my ex showing up and telling the judge he changed his mind. I had googled the mess out of “What to expect at a divorce hearing?” Anything could happen!

I was a nervous wreck by the time the 17th rolled around. I kept hearing God say, “Trust me.” I mean, the date was exactly one week from my birthday. God was giving me a gift. All I had to do was rest in His arms and let Him work. Y’all know that’s easier said than done. Lol.

Well, that Monday, I walked in the courthouse afraid and alone. My lawyer was there, but I still felt alone. I was so nervous. I mean, it had been over four years since we separated; a year and a half since I filed; and three months since I signed the final papers (yeah, I signed in March, he didn’t sign until the end of May– the struggle was real). It had taken forever to get to that moment.

I was all nerves when the judge called us to the stand. My ex wasn’t at the hearing, but his lawyer was. My lawyer explained my nervousness. That’s when the judge assured me there was nothing to be nervous about. She told me she was signing the papers and that I was divorced.

Just like that… Well… not exactly like that. There were a few hiccups along the way. It just wouldn’t be my life without a few obstacles. God loves keeping things interesting. Lol! However, IN THE END, it was finally over.

Y’all, when I left the courthouse, I sat in my car and cried. I couldn’t believe the craziness was finally over! I felt like a genie being set free. Watched Aladdin yesterday. Lol. It was like I could finally breathe. I was no longer bound. The chains were gone. I was free!

On my drive home, all I could think about was my babies. They had ridden this thing out with me. They had been my true support system, over the years. They were the ones who witnessed everything I went through. Shoot, they struggled with me. The hardest part of the entire ordeal was not letting them know the toll it was taking on me. I was trusting and praising God through it all; however, there were days I would go into my room and cry and scream into my pillow. Then I would come out smiling. The crazy thing is, no matter how I tried to hide it from them, they knew I was miserable. Yeah, kids know. My son would often ask me why was I so sad. I didn’t even know I looked sad. So… after it was all over, my babies were the only ones I wanted to be with.

So, all month I debated celebrating the divorce. I really wanted to, but then I started thinking about what people would say. In the end, I celebrated! People are going to talk regardless. Only God knows how I truly feel, and it’s a happiness I’ve never experienced before. I always say NO ONE can love me like God. And it’s the absolute truth. He’s the ONLY one who can grant me the desires of my heart and make me feel like I’m in another dimension. He made my birthday month the best ever! I just love the way He loves me. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for this year. I can’t lie, every year He ALWAYS blows my mind with His blessings! He’s just good like that! All smiles!

Be Blessed,

Shaun

#LovingLife
#GodLovesMe
#46AndFree🦋

Hearing the lyrics “He makes all things new…” playing over and over in my head. Thanking God for the opportunity to make things right.

This year I will reclaim everything I’ve lost over the past 25 years – my dreams, my passion, love, finances, peace, confidence and so much more. God’s blessed me with this one life. It’s my job to make it shine. I owe it to Him to be my absolute best. I’m here to please Him and no one else. Humph… isn’t that something. Only Him, and everything else will be added. Whew! What a revelation! Have to create an image for that. Lol.

Thank You, Lord for the revelation! I can end this blog now. Here’s to new beginnings. Looking forward, not backwards.

Shaun
#Year46🦋

It’s exactly one week from my 46th birthday. God granted me a gift today that I do not take lightly. He officially granted me my freedom. This morning the judge signed my divorce papers.

I’m speechless. I’ve been crying off and on, all day. It’s finally over. Over four years of waiting. God is so good.

I could only imagine how I would feel afterwards. Even right until the moment I was called to the judge’s bench, I kept trying to figure out how it would all end. At the same time, I kept praying for peace. Praying that God calmed my mind. After it was over, I didn’t rejoice like I thought I would. I took the rest of the day off to be with my babies. They were the only two I wanted to see.

Prior to entering the courthouse, I had asked for prayers over social. When I came out, social media was the last thing on my mind. It’s after 7 p.m. and I still haven’t checked my accounts. It’s amazing how none of that even matters anymore. It kept me afloat all these years and now, it really doesn’t serve a purpose. Hmm…clarity.

Well, Happy Birthday to me! Thanks, God! I’m finally at peace. Amen

P.S. If there are typos in this message, it’s okay. Life will go on. I don’t feel like proofing and revising what I’ve written. Maybe some other time, but not today. Plus, no one’s going to read it anyway. Lol. Life.

Shaun