This Death Thing Is Something Else!

Another day, another death. Saturday’s news caught me off guard. I knew it was coming but didn’t know when. Just as I arrived in town to celebrate my aunt’s 64th birthday, I received the text. My friend had passed. It’s still hard to believe she’s gone. But, this morning, as soon as I was coming to terms with her death, I received another text that one of my brother’s best friends had died.

You know, I really don’t know what’s happening with me and this death thing. I have never taken death this hard. I would cry after I heard the news then I would go on about my day. Something changed last year. Even before my brother’s death. I don’t know what happened, but it did. It all began around this same time last year. I know because I have been reading my Facebook memories. Ha! I refuse to read my journal entries. I don’t know if I really want to know what was going on. All I know is, something happened. From what I read, I was on this kick about living and pursuing my best life. Then this eerie feeling came over me and I couldn’t shake it for nothing. Days before my brother got sick– sometime around his birthday– I became anxious. Then the day before my brother was admitted to the hospital my mom told me that my uncle, who’s only a week or so younger than me, was sick. I remember weeping for him. Praying that God didn’t take him. Instead, He took my brother who had just celebrated his 46th birthday. I know it was his time to go, but it doesn’t make it any easier to process.

So here I am again, a year later, with people my age dying. Every time someone dies it makes me feel like I’m just wasting my life. Like time is just ticking away and I’m not accomplishing anything. I know things are happening, but they’re not happening fast enough. I need for this COVID thing to be over. I want to visit my sister. I want to travel. I have a world of things left to do.

Whew!! How did I go from being so strong over the years to being so emotional? Honestly, I’m really not feeling this “emotional” Shaun. Right now I need the Shaun who could bounce back from anything. Where you at, girl??

I don’t think my heart can take another loss.


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