Life

Wednesday Writings

Facebook memory: September 8, 2018 Caption and picture.

How many of you have tried to rush things and God said, “Be still” or “Be patient”?

Be Still
Be Patient
God’s Working

I’m not going to lie, I have been feeling pretty low for a few days now. Can’t seem to stop crying. I keep asking myself where is my life headed. Honestly, it seems like my ambitions and dreams have shriveled up. All I’m left with is nothingness. Like, I feel nothing. I want nothing. I’m just here.

Yesterday, my son said I needed to get out the house and go somewhere, anywhere. I was like, all I’ve been doing is going. He said I needed to go somewhere for myself, not to take care of things for someone else. So, we drove down to the coast for lunch. He was right, I needed to do something for me. Now, here I am laying here with my thoughts. I just can’t seem to stop crying. I’ve been patient with myself for years, so why am I not further along? I don’t want to die without achieving my dreams; however, right now, I don’t have any drive to move forward. None. I just want to be.

I know this moment will pass. It always does. But it’s becoming harder and harder to bounce back. This is hard to admit but I’m beginning to feel hopeless. Just being transparent.

Shaun

Life

Wednesday Writings

Love

Two years ago I shared a post with the caption, “Love.” That was it. One word. Love.

The definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection.

That year I experienced a whirlwind of emotions. Too many highs and lows to name. Honestly, I am not sure why I shared the word, Love. Wish I could remember what I was thinking when I shared it. I’m pretty sure I was on some emotional high. I was probably feeling good. Feeling all loved and felt like spreading love.

Ha! Little did I know, two months later, I would need that love I was spreading so freely. I had no idea my life was about to change, but I could feel it. Something in the atmosphere felt weird. My emotions were all over the place. Little did I know, when I wished my brother a happy birthday on October 5, 2019, I was about to experience the blow of a lifetime. A few days after his birthday he was admitted to ICU.

Love.

I do not believe you truly understand love until you have lost someone you truly loved.

Love,

Shaun

Life

Death

Death.

Seems like the older I become the more death seems to bother me. I’m not saying I wasn’t bothered by it before, but it was just different. When I was younger I believed I would live forever. Now that I’m almost 50, I see things differently. I often feel like I’m in a race against time. Will I achieve my goals before death takes me away from here? I try not to think about death, but it’s hard not to. A week ago, one of my mom’s long-time friends passed. Two weeks before that, a couple my family used to attend church with, died within days of each other. Their son and I were classmates. Then, two days before Ms. Cicely Tyson passed, one of my friends texted me that her dad had just passed unexpectedly. It’s like death is lurking everywhere. Honestly, it’s becoming a little too much.

Y’all, I have so many questions that only God can answer. Am I in a race against death? Will I die before I achieve my goals? Will I live to see my dreams come to fruition? What is God’s definition of “fulfilling your purpose”? Because I believe we could possibly have two completely different definitions. Sometimes I feel like I should stop pursuing my dreams, goals, and purpose, and just settle where I am. You know, just be content with what is. I mean, it would be less stressful. Less time consuming. Less heartbreaking. Less complicated. So why do I want more? Why do I continue to live as if I have 50+ years ahead of me? Why am I still moving forward as if I can have anything imaginable? Why?

Life.

My life.

Shaun

Life

Enjoying the Ride

Since I’m awake I might as well write. December 2020 is finally here. Y’all, we made to the end of the year!

A year ago I shared the attached quote on Facebook. The last sentence says, “And even if you lose, you just can’t lose.” Hmm…

Yesterday I was in a mood. A friend and I were texting about how we remember things versus how they actually happened. I told her that my journal entries always set me straight. I recall things one way, then go back and read journal entries from that period. Almost half of the time my recollections are not quite the way I remembered. Sometimes I was hurt far worse than I remembered, or loved much harder than I remembered. After texting her a few examples of what I thought happened versus what really happened, she said, “Don’t you wish you could go back with the knowledge you have now.” Well, that one statement put me in a mood. For hours all I could think about was why didn’t I do this or that. Why did things not happen for me? Y’all, I wasted hours thinking about things that happened over the last 20+ years. Talk about crazy! Unfortunately, I fell asleep feeling a little down. However, I woke up to several encouraging messages to include this memory.

Even though I looked back and thought about how I could have done things differently, it wasn’t meant to be. What was meant to be, is. I wanted more. My vision was higher and still is. I refused to settle. So yes, I suffered heartbreaks and what seemed like failures, but my story is not over. I only have one life and I refuse to settle for less than God’s absolute best. So am I losing? Nah.. I’m winning!

God is good. Enjoying the ride!

Shaun

Life

This Death Thing Is Something Else!

Another day, another death. Saturday’s news caught me off guard. I knew it was coming but didn’t know when. Just as I arrived in town to celebrate my aunt’s 64th birthday, I received the text. My friend had passed. It’s still hard to believe she’s gone. But, this morning, as soon as I was coming to terms with her death, I received another text that one of my brother’s best friends had died.

You know, I really don’t know what’s happening with me and this death thing. I have never taken death this hard. I would cry after I heard the news then I would go on about my day. Something changed last year. Even before my brother’s death. I don’t know what happened, but it did. It all began around this same time last year. I know because I have been reading my Facebook memories. Ha! I refuse to read my journal entries. I don’t know if I really want to know what was going on. All I know is, something happened. From what I read, I was on this kick about living and pursuing my best life. Then this eerie feeling came over me and I couldn’t shake it for nothing. Days before my brother got sick– sometime around his birthday– I became anxious. Then the day before my brother was admitted to the hospital my mom told me that my uncle, who’s only a week or so younger than me, was sick. I remember weeping for him. Praying that God didn’t take him. Instead, He took my brother who had just celebrated his 46th birthday. I know it was his time to go, but it doesn’t make it any easier to process.

So here I am again, a year later, with people my age dying. Every time someone dies it makes me feel like I’m just wasting my life. Like time is just ticking away and I’m not accomplishing anything. I know things are happening, but they’re not happening fast enough. I need for this COVID thing to be over. I want to visit my sister. I want to travel. I have a world of things left to do.

Whew!! How did I go from being so strong over the years to being so emotional? Honestly, I’m really not feeling this “emotional” Shaun. Right now I need the Shaun who could bounce back from anything. Where you at, girl??

I don’t think my heart can take another loss.

Shaun

Life

Hello Sunday

Rest Well

Today’s Hello Sunday is dedicated to a beautiful soul.

The first time we met was almost 20 years ago. We connected instantly! I loved your spirit, your sense of humor, and your style. You were kind, caring, funny, and bossy, which kind of reminded me of myself– minus the sense of style. Lol. I knew we would be friends forever.

As we all know, life happens. Sometimes in our favor and sometimes not. I was supposed to visit you this year, but God had other plans. Although my heart is heavy right now, I refuse to do the “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve” thing with you because 1) you wouldn’t have it and 2) I am so grateful for the time we spent together.

Whew! There’s sooo much more I would love to say, but your privacy is my priority. Know that you were loved and will be missed. Prayers for your beautiful family. I can’t even imagine what they are feeling. I know you prepared them for this moment, but as you know, grief is a tricky thing. It surfaces when we least expect. Praying God gives your family peace. Although your love and presence cannot be replaced, we will make sure they are loved and cared for.

Rest well my Loving & Affectionate Sister-Friend.❤️

Shaun