Sitting in my recliner watching episodes of Matlock and In the Heat of the Night. I remember watching these shows, along with the Golden Girls, late at night with my grand-godmother, Momma Kate. It was our nightly ritual whenever I visited. I would sit in her bedroom in the rocking chair, while she laid in bed. We rarely spoke. Just watched our shows. I miss those days. Grateful God placed her in my life. So thankful for the wonderful memories.
Watching the sun rise as I watch For Colored Girls. Y’all, I have not watched this movie in ages. I am so glad I chose to watch it today. Been dealing with a few things and this movie is just what I needed. I keep telling y’all, God is so good. He delivers exactly what we need when we need it.
This movie reminded me that many or our hurts and insecurities are so deeply rooted; and unfortunately, many of us have allowed them to control our lives. It is evident by the way we carry ourselves, the way we interact with others, and our lack of self-love. We may be able to fool others, but we cannot fool ourselves. Y’all, we know we have issues.
Honestly, we will never heal if we do not address the root cause of our problems. Yeah.. we have to start with the root. What happened? What hurt us? Who hurt us? When? How? So many questions. Questions that need to be asked. Questions we have the answer to but are afraid to address. Mostly because the truth hurts. Yet, if we do not address them, we will never heal.
For me, this is going to be a long weekend. I have decided to use this time to reflect and heal.
Note: I am choosing to go down this path on my own. I need to. However, you do not have to. I recommend consulting a professional, licensed therapist. I have used their services before. Y’all, therapy works!
Not going to write much. Been listening to Sade all morning. Right now Kiss of Life is playing. Wishing I had someone to love. Most of time I am okay with being alone. I love my space. However, there are times when I do wish I had someone to love. Now, with that said, I AM NOT looking. LOL!Waiting on God.. this time. His timing is best.
One of my cousins shared the attached quote on Facebook. It says it all. God has everything worked out. From our current needs to our future desires.
Sometimes I find myself playing different scenarios over and over in my head trying to figure out how something will end. You know, “What will happen if I do this?” or “How will they react if I say that?” For me, this happens almost daily. However, I am slowly learning to go with the flow. From past experiences, after spending countless hours daydreaming about how something will happen, nothing ever happens as I imagine. NEVER! So, why worry. We are in God’s hands.
I could not end this week without testifying about all of my wonderful experiences this week. Smiling as I reminisce. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a movie or I’m living someone else’s life. Then I remember, no, this is definitely my life. Shaun, this is what joy feels like.
Y’all, I wish I could describe the feeling. I would use the word euphoric, but it just sounds so druggish. Reminds me of how Lynn (a character on my new favorite show, Tyler Perry’s Ruthless) feels every time she thinks about that compound. You have to watch the show to understand. Lol. The only difference is, hers was drug induced. However, mine.. HA!.. my joy comes from THE Highest, THE All Powerful, THE ALL Mighty GOD!!! NOTHING compares to my God. Whew!! Let me walk you through my week. Bae-bé, I don’t need no drugs or alcohol to get me high, never have. God has ALWAYS done it for me!
Caution: You may not see joy in any of the experiences I’m about to share. My joy is tailored just for me, as with your own. Enjoy!
Okay… It all began last Sunday. Sunday was Mother’s Day. I took my mom her gifts and hung out with her for a while. Something I have not been able to do since this COVID-19 pandemic. Kept my mask on. Couldn’t hug her. But I was able to visit. Which was a big deal. You see, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do any of this had she been in the hospital. For two years (2018 & 2019), my mom was in the hospital on Mother’s Day. And even when I visited her Sunday, she had a high fever that wouldn’t break. However, she was awake, talkative, and absolutely beautiful. She asked that we not get too close to her for fear of us getting sick. She had decided that if she had anything she was going to ride it out at home. She’s our warrior queen. God still has plans for her. Y’all, I love my momma.
Afterwards, I came home. Disinfected myself. Lol. Then got ready for my gifts, my son and daughter. My daughter brought over homemade quiche, bacon, and freshly cut fruit. A tradition she started years ago. I was ready! As I ate breakfast, we had one of our long, comical family conversations. I really enjoy talking to them. For me, it’s more than listening to their perspectives on life. It’s seeing the expressions on their faces when they talk. It’s their mannerism. It’s their passion. I take all of it in. As I have said countless times, I still cannot believe I’m a mother. Tearing up just thinking about it. Y’all, God chose me, of all people, to raise these two. I am so blessed.
After my daughter left, I decided to watch Michelle Obama’s Becoming on Netflix. Found out Mrs. Obama had a tweet party the day before. I was so disappointed that I had missed it, but then I remembered that everything happens for a reason. Watching it on Sunday was better because I was able to focus on the show instead of reading tweets and tweeting. I needed that calm, me-time, to take it all in. I have always admired our forever First Lady. Always been fascinated by her strength and tenacity. She took blows and kept going. Talk about resilient! I always said that if I ever had an opportunity to have a conversation with her, I would ask how she endured the hard times. Lucky for me, and the rest of us, she wrote Becoming. I read it last year. Then saw her at Essence Festival. However, this documentary was little more special because it gave us her, the person behind the personae. I love transparency and that’s what I got.
Anyhoo.. I’m writing way more than I had planned. Bear with me. Lol!
Like I said, this is pretty long, but I’m on a roll now, can’t stop. Lol. Later that evening, I watched episodes 7 & 8 of Michael Jordan’s The Last Dance. Just the mention of the title makes me excited!! I lived through it. I was there. I experienced it first hand. I wrote about it in my journal. I have memorabilia. Y’all, this documentary has given me life! You can feel MJ’s passion in every play, in every win. He loved the game. He loved the competition. I feel that. I’m not very competitive; however, when I am passionate about something, watch out! That’s all I have to say.
After watching both documentaries, I was on an unbelievable high. Felt like I was floating on clouds. Like I said, I don’t need drugs to make me feel this way. I don’t need money to make me feel this way. It’s something embedded in me that explodes every time these experiences happen. I really can’t explain it. When I make posts on social media about how good God is, most of the time it’s about something God has revealed to me or has allowed me to experience. He’s just good like that. Often, I feel embarrassed after I have these outbursts of joy. To some, I may appear crazy or extra. What they don’t understand is, I’m on this natural high and it feels so good. That night, while looking for photos, I kept finding MJ memorabilia. I found old newspaper articles about The Last Dance. Then I found a Space Jam coin. When I decided to keep these things, I didn’t think that one day people would be talking about the game. I kept them for my own memories. So, as I discovered different things, I started posting pictures on social media. I felt like I had won millions. Again, God is so good. He makes me smile. He makes happy.
Then the rest of the week went down like this. Monday, a Facebook memory popped up of my daughter graduating from undergrad. Talk about emotional. Here we were three years later, and she was preparing to graduate again. Unbelievable! You see, I watched her struggle. I listened to her contemplate her next moves, law school or a master’s degree. All while, I kept reminding her that everything happens for a reason and that whatever happened would prepare her for what’s yet to come. Well, that was Monday.
Tuesday was probably just as extraordinary. Lol. I say this because that night I wrote in my journal that God was so good and that I would elaborate the next morning. Well, I never wrote anything else. So I have no clue of what I was referring to. Too funny! I wonder if that was the day I found out Tyler Perry’s shows, The Oval and Sistas, were renewed for a second season. It could have been that day or Wednesday, but it happened earlier this week. Like I said, it’s the small things that excite me. Both casts were so happy. And I was so happy for them. So that could have been it. Y’all, it really is the small things that have me all excited. Lol.
Wednesday, was the day before my nephew’s graduation ceremony. Yes, he also graduated this week with a master’s in Public Health. Well, while looking for pictures to share, I became frustrated because I couldn’t find two photo albums that held over 30+ years of pictures. I tore my house up looking for those albums. I’m not gonna lie, I had a meltdown. I couldn’t stop crying. That’s when my son decided to start helping me look for them. Now, he picked everything apart. I still have to clean up the mess he made. Unfortunately, I did not find them.. at that time. In the midst of my crying, I heard God say that I had to learn to let things go. That what I had at that moment, was all I needed. Whatever I lost, I had to be okay with losing. Y’all, I stopped crying. I cleaned my face. Ate dinner. Then watched my shows, The Oval and Ruthless. I tweeted so much that Twitter thought I was a robot. Like I said, when something excites me, watch out! Lol. Shoot, I was even tweeting from two accounts. The worst part about being shut down is, you can no longer interact with people. I couldn’t even discuss my shows. I was hurt. BUT. . . I did find my photo albums before I went to bed. I started cleaning up the mess I had made in my closet and decided to look in a storage bin I had already looked in. This time I took everything out and at the very bottom were the two albums and one I had forgotten about. The lesson I learned from that was, when you let go, God will pour out blessings you will never expect to receive. He will always give you more. Y’all, my God is sooo good. I can’t help but brag on Him!
Thursday we celebrated my nephew and my daughter. I made so many posts on social media. I am so proud of them. Well, Thursday was all about them. We had a Facebook Live watch party for my nephew’s graduation. Which was pretty awesome. People who wouldn’t have normally had the opportunity to attend his graduation, got to attend. It was wonderful seeing everyone interacting with each other. Even estranged family members attended. I guess you can say we had a virtual family reunion. So, that day was amazing.
Yesterday (Friday), was my daughter’s celebration. We usually go out to eat at Half Shell Oyster House (another tradition). However, due to COVID-19, we had to make a few changes. I ordered curbside service. Decorated my house to give it the perfect restaurant ambiance. Dimmed lights, tea light candles, jazz playing in the background and food plated like we were at the restaurant. Y’all, it wasn’t the best, but she enjoyed it. Her smile was all that mattered.
It’s Saturday morning. I’m still in bed. Not sure what today holds. What I do know is, God is good and he loves me. His love is unmatched. The joy He gives me is indescribable. Only He can make my heart flutter when I discover something new or see a smile on someone’s face. He is my joy.
As usual, please forgive any errors. Today, I’m releasing myself from the anxiety of perfection. It is what it is. Enjoy!
Whew!! Let me start off by saying, if your first, middle, or last name is Drama, PLEASE stay away from me. PLEASE!
Y’all, I don’t even have time to explain the craziness I have had to deal with at work (of all places). Usually, my work life is pretty much drama-free. I get along with everyone, no lie. Yeah, sometimes someone might say or do something that makes me second guess why I haven’t left. However, nothing has ever gotten out of hand or been dramatic. Well, the stuff (y’all, I really want to cuss, but I know I’d never publish it- smh) I experienced over the past two weeks, have been things I have ONLY seen on TV. It was surreal. Y’all, I was on a conference call.. hearing what was going down.. NO.. EXPERIENCING what was going down (cause it was all directed at me), but not fully there. It was like an outer body experience. Unintentionally, I kept tuning the person out. I even chuckled several times. I was like, there’s no way this is happening to me. It was CRAZY, y’all!
Well, after the conference call, I called the offended party and apologized for making them feel a certain way. Had to leave a voicemail because they didn’t pick up the phone. But I did apologize. That one conference call led to several side calls. Long story short, I decided that trying to defend myself was a lost cause. Yes, I allowed someone to belittle me in front of others so that they could feel better.
Eeerk… You know what, I’ve tried to keep it gender neutral, but why? It’s my blog! It was a male. A black male who believed he had been demeaned and disrespected by other colleagues in the past and decided that the buck stopped with me. Crazy thing is, I had no idea that I had offended him. And why use a conference call to confront me? Like I said, I do not do drama and this was sooo dramatic!
Well, yesterday we had a conference call with the director. Before the call, I found myself becoming agitated. I kept playing the events (cause there were several) over and over in my head. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t pray. Well… I prayed but didn’t wait for an answer. Honestly, I did not want an answer. I wanted to be angry. Funny thing is, I rarely get angry– UGH! I wanted to feel the same energy that he brought to the call. However, it didn’t happen. Right before the call, God set me straight. This is what He said (no lie – lol), “So you gon’ do this without Me? Like I can’t make this right.” Yep… that’s what He said. Talk about an humbling moment. That’s when I realized I needed to regroup. He reminded me of how powerful He is. He can command ANYTHING and it will be. ANYTHING! That’s when I heard, “Peace, be still,” (Mark 4:39).
Now I’m getting emotional. Do you know, that call was as smooth as butter. I realized that person’s frustration was not directed towards me, personally. His frustration was from past hurts and experiences. No, he never returned my call or apologized for anything he said on the initial call. Honestly, you could tell he felt accomplished after he got his point across. I’m pretty sure he was sitting a little taller. So kudos to him.
In the end, the peace I felt during that call, and afterwards, was like no other. God is so good. I would like to say – “THANK YOU GOD! You ALWAYS have my back. You are omnipotent. When You speak, mountains move. I’m so grateful I listened to You.” Amen