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It’s January 1st, 2020! Yesterday’s blog was representative of how my 2019 ended. Well… how I thought it would end. But God! After a day of crying and questioning God, it ended with me praising God.

I’m so grateful for Bishop T.D. Jakes. For him allowing God to use him to deliver the message I needed. It was just for me. During his message he mentioned death. He said that God didn’t promise us years without death. He said that death is going to happen. It’s a part of life. And just like that I felt better. It was like I needed to hear those words. Death is part of the life cycle. Everyone has to die. It’s that simple. Now the pain. The pain is going to happen, but it’s good to know that we don’t have to experience it alone. God is always with us.

I said no expectations for 2020 except for letting go and giving God control. However, I realized I wasn’t completely giving God control. I had stipulations. You know, “God, You can have control over my professional life but my love life, I’ll handle that,” or “God, if I pay these tithes, am I going to have enough money for the rest of the month?” Yeah, I’ve said these things. The crazy thing is, God has never steered me wrong or left me hanging. Whenever I’ve given Him complete control, He has ALWAYS come through and with more than I expected. So why do I continue to try to control things? Yes, my brother’s death caught me off guard. I wasn’t ready. But it was always out of my control. God didn’t take him to cause me pain. He took him because it was his time to go. He had fulfilled his purpose.

So, knowing all of this. I have decided to completely surrender all to God. I mean, ultimately, He is in control anyway. Lol. I’m just going to stop resisting and interfering with whatever He’s doing. My job is to listen and follow His command, no matter how crazy or scary it may seem. Yep… that’s my job.

Hello, 2020! God is good!

#SurrenderingAll
#TrustingGod

Shaun

Tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve. Everyone will be sharing their New Year’s resolutions about changing bad habits, adopting healthier lifestyles, being prosperous and expecting miracles and blessings. Me, on the other hand, I’m not making any resolutions. When I think about it, I actually haven’t made any in years. However, I have had many expectations. Expectations of mind blowing blessings. Well, not in 2020.

I don’t mean to sound like a pessimist, because I’m far from one. I’m just being a realist. My brother’s death taught me that I should live each day at a time. Each moment at a time. Expectations only causes anxiety and disappointments. Yes. I’m still in pain. I’m not mad, just hurt.

I refuse to write 2019 off as a terrible year because so many wonderful things happened. Unfortunately, the heartaches seem to overshadow the good. No matter how often I smile, the tears seem to keep coming.

I know God has a plan for everything. As I said before, I’m going to take each day at a time. What comes, comes. And what goes, goes. No expectations. Allowing God to lead and I follow. Knowing that in the long run His plan will be revealed and it will be best for everyone.

Happy New Year!

Shaun

It just hit me that I’m actually single again. I haven’t been single since I was 29 years old. Now I’m in my mid 40s. What am I supposed to do? Lol

I haven’t thought much about dating again. Since my divorce, I’ve had friends mention men they thought I’d be good with. But I couldn’t see myself in a serious relationship with them, or introducing them to my children, so I passed. Guess dinner and a movie wouldn’t have hurt. Oh well…

When I think about it, I never really dated in my 20s. Honestly, I didn’t know how to date. I had a total of 3 boyfriends before I married my husband. All of whom I wanted to marry. And the only reason I wanted to marry them was because I had sex with them. I felt like I couldn’t give up the goodies to everyone so whoever got it, got me… for life. Whew! What a crazy way of thinking. I really made some bad decisions based on that concept. SMH

Another thing about me and dating was, I was dating to find a husband. I never dated to have fun. I was on a mission to find my husband, my prince, my king, my warrior! Baby… I knew I was supposed to be someone’s wife, princess, queen, ride-or-die, not girlfriend. I’ve heard, from the younger generation, that you’re supposed to date around until you find someone you want to be in a committed relationship with. Yeah… “committed.” And commitment isn’t equivalent to “let’s get married,” or any of the roles I mentioned above. So I’m totally confused.

Like I said, I’m single again. Starting over is kind of scary and exciting all at the same time. I’m older, and hopefully wiser. Lol. The funny thing is, I still want to get married. I’m a QUEEN and I deserve a KING. The question is, will I be able to date again without thinking of marriage? Hmm…

Maybe I need to nix the word “dating” all together. Perhaps I should stick with “hanging out.” Yeah… I think I’m ready to start “hanging out.” But who do I “hang out” with? Do I choose someone I’m totally not interest in? But what if they’re interested in me? Ugh……

After writing, I think I should forget it all. I’ll just wait for God to drop my king in front of me. Yep… he’s gonna have to come with a crown and all, and a written declaration from God stating he’s my king. Yes… I’m dramatic. Y’all, I’m already excited. LOL!!

For real, at the moment, dating thing seems a bit intimidating, and commitment… commitment is totally confusing. How do people play these games?

To be continued…

Shaun

I feel like writing. Got a lot on my mind. I’ve been watching #SistasOnBET. One of my favorite shows right now, besides #BiggerOnBET. Both shows bring back so many memories. Memories of hurt, guilt, shame, uncertainties and the need to be loved.

I say memories instead of feelings because the pain is gone. Y’all, I’m so happy I don’t feel the pain anymore. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Guess I’ll share my story. Well… some of it. It’s way too long to write in one blog.

So Andi’s (KJ Smith) character on Sistas is in a relationship with a married man. Been there! His story is too familiar – he’s leaving his wife, he’s really in love with Andi, can’t leave his kids, he’s so confused… blah..blah..blah. I’ve heard it all before. Yep, twice! I have been in love with two married men before. Crazy huh!

It’s not something I talk about. Well.. I’ve never discussed the second relationship. That should’ve never happened. Got caught up in my feelings and so many lies. Which was unlike the first relationship. That first one was the one that hurt the most. He was my first rebound guy. I wanted to kill the pain of being rejected by my first boyfriend so I set out to find someone to ease the pain. Can’t y’all hear Lisa Fischer singing “How Can I Ease The Pain”? Lol. I can. Anyhoo.. I wanted a man that could show the other up. Someone I could brag about. Good thing they didn’t have social media back then because I would’ve had pictures of us all over my timeline. Yeah, I had a point to prove.

Well.. the joke was on me. I wasted two years of my life with someone who didn’t want to spend his life with me. He wasn’t married at first, but he was attached (something I didn’t know at the time). He and I were stationed in Germany and she was in the US. Like I said, I had no idea he had a girlfriend.. correction.. fiancé. I thought I was his girl. Silly me. One day a nosy friend of mine (found out she was mad because she wanted to date him) asked me if I had ever looked at the pictures he had around his room (military…we lived in the dorms) or read any of the greeting cards he displayed on one if his shelves. And my answer was no. He told me the pictures were of his family and his best friend (a.k.a. girlfriend). At that point I had no reason to believe otherwise. Boy I was soooo naive.

After my “friend” planted the seed, I decided to read the cards. Guess what! Ms. “Best Friend” was pregnant with his baby. What a blow! I didn’t know how to react- Should I end the relationship? (We had only been together about a month.) Or, should I stay and allow him to explain.. umm.. I mean lie, because that’s what he did. And of course I stayed. (Wow… sharing this publicly is pretty therapeutic!)

Long story short – She had the baby. I stayed by his side buying the baby gifts while he was secretly buying his bff gifts. Then one day, he went home on leave and got married. One of his boys in Germany broke the news to me. I should say, happily broke the news to me. Lol! He had been telling me all along not to trust his “boy.” But of course I was like he’s just saying all of that to get with me. Shoot, he had a girl and baby at home too. SMH!

Anyway, I called his mom’s house and asked to speak with him. (His whole family knew me. I had spoken to all of them before at some point in time.) Instead of putting him on the phone, his sister gave the phone to his new bride. Messed up, huh? I didn’t see that coming but I didn’t run away from it either. By this time I had already spent about a year of my life with him so I wasn’t going to just go away. Again, I asked to speak with him. She asked who I was (like she didn’t already know because I had spoken to her too before.. the games we play.. ugh!). I gave her my name and again, asked to speak with him. She gave him the phone. All he could say was he would be back soon. When he returned, he returned with lies that I didn’t believe, but I felt I had already put in the time with him, so why not see it through. That’s what we do right? Be their ride or die chick. SMH! Anyway, he told me he was getting an annulment because he had made a mistake by marrying her. That his parents had pressured him into getting married because of the baby. He really wanted to be with me. Again.. blah.. blah.. blah!

Needless to say, I stayed with him my entire tour in Germany wishing and hoping that in the end he would leave with me. Ha! I’ll tell you who left with me, my baby girl. Two months before I was scheduled to leave Germany, I found out I was pregnant. That’s when my life changed and I decided I was done with the lies. When he didn’t show up for my baby girl’s birth, I was completely done with the relationship. He apologized for so many things. He eventually got a divorce. Found out his bff’s baby wasn’t his. (Well, he kind of suspected it when he married her but he married her anyway.) I was left to raise my little princess alone. It was another five before I had another relationship, and it was with the other married man. That one ain’t even worth discussing.

Afterwards I met another rebound guy – my ex-husband. He was nothing like the other two. I wanted someone who was the complete opposite of the other two. However, in the end, I found out that what drew me to them was what I really wanted. Not the lies. Lol. But their personality, their spirit. I can’t lie, I had fun with them. Life…

Today, neither of them are with their original spouses. They did eventually leave, but it wasn’t for me. I wouldn’t have wanted them anyway. There were just too many lies and hurts that I couldn’t have gotten pass.

A sad thing that happened after I forgave my daughter’s dad (like after 16 years), I realized I no longer wanted to be married. It was like my eyes and heart had been opened and I actually wanted to love again. For years my ex-husband would ask me if I was in love with him. It was the most annoying thing in the world. It’s crazy that he knew I wasn’t but married me anyway. I would always say I didn’t believe in being in love because you can fall out of love and that love thing would eventually wear off. He would accept my answer and days later ask the question again. Well, unfortunately the truth finally came out. I cared for him but I never loved him.

Yesterday I read an article Essence Magazine had posted on Twitter. The title was, “The Solve: Why Do I Keep Dating The Same Type?” The author said that maybe it’s not us choosing them but them choosing us. Hmm.. do I attract these guys? Meaning guys in relationships. Is there something in my spirit and soul that draws them to me? I’m really trying to figure it out. I’ve decided that I’m not going to shy away from the kind of guy I truly like because I did that before and it was a disaster. Both, my ex and I, could’ve been in real loving relationships had I ended it from the door. Whew! If y’all only knew how I overrode God’s warnings just to prove to others that I was enough. That I was worthy enough to marry. Lawd!!

Anyhoo.. y’all know I get sidetracked. Over the four years that I was separated, I had time to think about what I wanted in a husband. Yes, husband! I plan to marry again. This time I’m marrying someone I love and who loves me. It has to be mutual. I don’t want another rebound guy. I don’t want someone who believe they have to choose between me and someone else. I know my worth. I’m worthy of the best God has for me. I won’t have to prove my worth to him. He’ll already know it and cherish it. Yes, I’m a romantic. I do believe in love and marriage. I do believe God will send me someone who will love me like I need to be loved and who will want to spend the rest of his life with me. This time I won’t accept anything less.

Shaun

#DontSettle
#LoveIsOnHisWay

I’m still in disbelief that my brother is no longer with us. I keep thinking about the weeks leading up to his departure. He was so kind, so genuine. He was our gentle giant.

This isn’t going to be long. Trying not to think about this upcoming week as we prepare for his funeral.

The weekend of my brother’s birthday I was so anxious. My nerves were shot. Couldn’t understand why. I logged off social media for a day after I read an article suggesting people implement self-care techniques and one was logging off on Saturdays (#SeeYouOnSunday). To this day, I can’t believe I logged off without any hesitation or regrets. Little did I know that my brother was sick. It was October 5th, his 46th birthday and the beginning of his last days with us.

After logging back on, I celebrated Tyler Perry’s epic moment with the rest of the world. I tweeted my little heart out and shared so many posts that I was dizzy. It really was a beautiful moment. I was so happy for him. I was happy… ecstatic…

The last I felt that way, my great-great grandfather, Big Daddy passed. That was in the 80’s. After his death, I vowed I would never allow myself to become that happy again and I hadn’t. Around the beginning of this month I was sooo happy. I don’t even remember why. I just know I was happy. I had texted Ki (my daughter) to share my euphoric feeling with her, and I explained how I wasn’t going to allow my fear of being completely happy control my life. I actually texted how the devil wanted me to believe that when people are their happiest they’re about to die. I texted, “Not today Satan!” Little did I know my brother was going to pass. I know the two events aren’t related, but somehow they feel that way.

A few days after Tyler’s celebration, I was hit with a wave of crazy emotions. I kept seeing, “Everything happens for a reason.” Then my mom told me my 46 year old uncle was rushed to the hospital, something I didn’t include in the Facebook post below, because I didn’t want to alarm other family members. It was like the downward spiral after the climax of a good movie. Just when I thought things were going great- Ha! NOT! Now I’m waiting for the happy ending that always happens at the end of a Hallmark movie. There is a happy ending, right?

My dad said God doesn’t make mistakes. It was my brother’s time to leave. Lord please help me with this one.

Here’s the Facebook post I made on October 9, 2019. Little did I know that my brother was sick and would pass ten days later.

God is good. I’m sad. My family is hurting. But as daddy said, God doesn’t make any mistakes. It’s all for His glory. My brother’s last words to me, as they have always been over the years whenever we say goodbye, “I love you, baby.”

Rest in Jesus’ arms my sweet brother. I know you’ll always be with me.

Shaun

#MyGuardianAngel
#AltonSuttonJr

This past week was pretty odd. Part of me wanted to celebrate Tyler Perry’s success, FOREVER!! Y’all, I was on a high. You couldn’t tell me nothing. It was like I had witnessed the greatest miracle of our times. Lol! However, the happiness slowly faded and reality set in.

In my previous blog, I was questioning myself about my status. Was I living. Was I truly free. And the answer was, no. Over time, I have found it easier to bask in everyone else’s glory. I love seeing others succeed. It’s just in me. This past week I realized I would rather watch someone else achieve their dreams than pursue my own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting idle, but I’m not putting my all into my dreams. I’m not going to lie, fear is one of my biggest barriers. And the crazy thing is, it’s the fear of succeeding. The fear of someone seeing me. I love being in the background. I can make mistakes and no one cares. I can stop working towards goals when I want, and again, no one cares. Oh.. and the greatest barrier, what I think people will think. Will they think I’m better than them? Will they criticize me? Will they not support me?

Successful people are forever preaching they never let the thoughts of others get to them. Ha! I fail to believe this. There’s no way you can be human and not care what others think. I wish people were more transparent. I’m not going to lie, it affects me. Sometimes it pushes me to do better, while other times it makes me want to retreat. BUT GOD!!! I’m so grateful I have a God who won’t allow me to stay down! Whew!! Sometimes you would think He was here in person giving me a pep talk or chastising me. It’s actually quite hilarious. And no, I’m not crazy. Hint: This is when journaling comes in handy.

I said all of this to say, I need to see the real. Real pain. Real failure. Real tears. Real heartache. I need to identify with your struggle because my struggle is REAL! And I’m not saying to literally “see” the pain. Just tell me about it. When I tell stories, I give vivid details. I want you to be where I was. I want you to see and smell what I smelled. Guess that’s why it takes me so long to tell a simple story. Lol.

Anyway, that’s all I had to share. Just felt like writing. One day someone will read this stuff. If not, it’s okay. I imagine angels and extraterrestrials reading it and that’s pretty cool. Again, I’m not crazy, just unique… very transparent. 😉

Shaun