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About to go to sleep. Up thinking as usual. Actually chastising myself. Nothing new.

I’m kind of disappointed in myself because I’m not as disciplined as I used to be. I have allowed distractions to consume my time. I’m becoming comfortable with being comfortable at a time when I need to be working. I have some serious decisions to make. No one is going to make them for me. No one is going to complete tasks for me. It’s up to me to get things done.

Bishop Jakes’ message Sunday was “The Door Prayer Won’t Open.” Basically, it was about being ready when what you’ve been praying for happens. Will you recognize it’s happening and open the door (grasp it), or will you allow it to pass you by while you continue to pray. The fact is, some things aren’t going to drop in our laps. Some things we actually have to work for, or as he put it, turn the knob and open the door for. In other words, we must take action.

Tonight/this morning God reminded me that what I’m encountering is the blessing I’ve prayed for. It’s at the door. He’s brought it to me. I can either get up and open the door (grasp it), or I can allow it to pass me by. This is one of those blessings that will not be placed in my lap. It will not be handed to me. I actually have to work for it.

Mind over matter. It’s a mind game.

Discipline over comfort. Have to let the distractions go.

Progress over stagnation. My purpose is too important to remain where I am.

It’s my choice. I must choose wisely.

As usual, excuse any typos, missed words, or incoherent ramblings. I need to be asleep.

Good Night

Shaun

Character: the mental and moral qualities distinctive of an individual

Just watched “Why Did I Get Married Too?” I’ve watched it many times and today was the first time I felt Patricia’s (Janet Jackson) anger. All of the other times I’ve always sided with Gavin (Malik Yoba). I used to feel like he was just reacting out of anger. You know what they say, “hurt people, hurt people.” He was a good person who responded out of hurt and anger. I mean, that wasn’t his true character, right? Patricia blindsided him with the divorce. How else was he supposed to react? That’s how I used to feel, until today.

Today I saw things differently. All she wanted was to get out of the marriage. Why couldn’t he just give her her freedom? He should’ve just let her go. In the end, she decided to let her anger get the best of her, which ended in tragedy.

I don’t agree with the way either decided to handle their anger. If it were me, I would’ve split all of my assets just to have my freedom. You know..

In my last blog I wrote about being so angry because my ex wouldn’t sign the divorce papers. I felt exactly the way Patricia’s character felt. I felt like I was going to explode. I had given him everything he asked for. I was so furious! I’m so grateful God intervened and I’m so glad I stayed in character. To this day I still don’t know how I made it four years without losing it. But God!

Anyway, I said all of this to say, don’t allow anyone or any situation make you lose character. Be strong enough to recognize it for what it is, and move above it. One thing about people, they never really remember the good you’ve done, but lose your character and that’s all they’ll ever remember. Think about it, when you’re with your family, the first thing they bring up is something crazy you said or did. Or maybe that’s just my crazy family. Lol!

As Mrs. Obama always said, “When they go low, we go high.” Stay in character.

Shaun

People say when you’re close to a breakthrough, things get worse. I agree. The month before my ex signed the divorce papers, I felt like I was about to lose my mind. I had never been so angry and felt so hopeless. I cried daily. Sometimes several times a day. It’s funny that I didn’t think anyone noticed, but I was wrong. I believe both of my children knew. My son would ask if I was okay and give me random hugs. Yeah, I have the best kids.

Well, this week I’ve found myself feeling angry about another situation. Once it’s resolved, I’ll elaborate more. Just know that I have a hard time respecting manipulative people. The ones who do shady things and tell you they’ll ask for forgiveness later. The one who will take others down just to get ahead. I’m at the point where I can’t even pretend to want to be in their presence. I’m trying to remain positive, but it’s so hard. Which leads me to believe my breakthrough is near. Yeah, I know it’s near because last night my son told me I needed a hug.

So, the week my ex signed the papers was one of my calmest, carefree weeks. I wasn’t stressed at all. I finally gave it to God and said whatever happens, happens. I knew, within my soul, I was divorced. I started to walk as if I were. Then that Friday afternoon, on May 31st, I received the call that he had signed the papers.

All week long I’ve been seeing messages from Pastor Joel Osteen and Bishop T.D. Jakes about being patient and waiting. Yesterday, when I clicked one of Bishop Jakes’ messages, his first words were, “Be still.” God knows my soul was in an uproar at that time. Bishop went on to say don’t make decisions based on emotions. I was like, “Say what?” That message stopped me in my tracks because that’s exactly what I was preparing to do, make a rash decision. He said let God fight your battle. I needed that word. I must let go and let God. He’s helped me before and I know he’ll help me again.

On another note, school is going well. I have an A in my class. This semester I decided not to allow things to stress me out. It’s ironic that most health disparities contribute to, or are caused by stress, and all of my public health classes have been stressful. This semester I’ve responded differently. Whenever I feel myself becoming stressed, I remind myself that this degree isn’t worth my life. It’s okay if every assignment isn’t perfect. Just turn it in… on time! Which is one of the hardest things to do when you know it’s not your best work. Y’all, the struggle is real and it’s mentally draining.

So, my goal for the next few years is to live a stress-free, healthy life. I’m aware that stressors will come, like the current situation I’m dealing with. I just need to learn how to manage my stress better.. in ALL situations. I’ve tried praying, but sometimes I need more than prayer, I need an intervention. Lol.

Anyway, I know God’s working. There must be something big on the horizon because the devil is trying his hardest to make me lose it. However, I refuse to give up or give in. Now that I recognize what’s going on, I have to do like I did at the end if May, walk like the situation is already handled. Because it actually is. God’s got me.

Oh, one more thing… I’m officially LJB again! There’s so much in a name. I’m so happy to have it back. Will I change it again? Perhaps…

Forgive any typos, missed words, incomplete thoughts. I’m sleepy.

Shaun

Last year was the first time I had an anxiety attack. I was in Walmart and I had the strangest feeling. I felt surrounded and it became difficult to breathe. I had to find a vacant isle and force myself to calm down. I believe it happened during my final weeks in class.

Today I didn’t have an anxiety attack but I felt uneasy, like something was happening somewhere and I could feel it. The last time I felt this way, I believe I was feeling someone else’s anxiety. It’s hard to explain. That day I went for a walk. Today I prayed and asked for peace. Also, a few weird things kept happening today. I was delayed several times while trying to leave for a focus group session that was scheduled two hours away. I got there in just the nick of time. Then when I got home I had to finish my discussion.

Now stress. Let’s discuss stress. It’s something I’m trying to avoid at all cost. I’m trying so hard not to allow school to drive me crazy this time around. So far, what is, is. I have an A in the class. I can’t focus on whether it’s a high A or a low one. I need to focus on doing my best while staying stress free. Today that almost didn’t happen. I can tell my stress level increased because I still can’t go to sleep and I’m super tired. It’s like I’m wired. I need to unwind. Maybe I’ll listen to Deepak or a YouTube video. Anyway, good night.

This one was very random. Also, I don’t feel like editing this. I’m sleepy.

Sitting here debating whether or not to respond to this week’s discussion. I posted my part of the discussion. It’s responding to three of my classmates posts that’s the struggle. If I could make simple posts based on my opinion, it wouldn’t be a problem. The problem comes in when I have to provide references for my responses. I don’t feel like reading their posts then try to find references to back up my responses. I know I’m being petty and could be responding instead of writing this blog, but I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE IT! Lord, why am I so stubborn?

Well… I don’t feel like being scholarly right now. The worst part is, I just received another 100 on my paper. It seems like I put so much effort into writing the papers that I have very little left in me to do the discussions. And my professor commented on how well I’m doing in the class. Ugh! The struggle is real!!

Y’all pray my strength in the Lord. I’m going to need many prayers over the next few years. Many thanks in advance.

Shaun
Yes, I’m having a tantrum. LOL

Usually I choose a title or theme prior to writing. However, today I’m going to write and let the theme occur naturally. Guess you can say I’m going with the flow– being free.

This month was nothing short of amazing. On May 31st I received the call that my ex had finally signed the divorce papers. I was ecstatic. Y’all, I cannot say ecstatic without hearing it in Mike Tyson’s voice. Something only those who grew up in the 80’s will understand. Lol. Anyway, I remember tears of joy flowing. God had granted me this blessing right before my birthday month. I was able to welcome June with open arms and no baggage. Well, that’s how I felt on May 31st.

I would like to say that feeling lasted from the beginning to the end of June, but I can’t. My happiness dwindled the day I received my court date for June 17th. I needed the judge’s signature to make it official. That’s when doubt began to set in. Even though I was repeatedly told I was divorced, I knew anything could happen at that hearing. You know, things like my ex showing up and telling the judge he changed his mind. I had googled the mess out of “What to expect at a divorce hearing?” Anything could happen!

I was a nervous wreck by the time the 17th rolled around. I kept hearing God say, “Trust me.” I mean, the date was exactly one week from my birthday. God was giving me a gift. All I had to do was rest in His arms and let Him work. Y’all know that’s easier said than done. Lol.

Well, that Monday, I walked in the courthouse afraid and alone. My lawyer was there, but I still felt alone. I was so nervous. I mean, it had been over four years since we separated; a year and a half since I filed; and three months since I signed the final papers (yeah, I signed in March, he didn’t sign until the end of May– the struggle was real). It had taken forever to get to that moment.

I was all nerves when the judge called us to the stand. My ex wasn’t at the hearing, but his lawyer was. My lawyer explained my nervousness. That’s when the judge assured me there was nothing to be nervous about. She told me she was signing the papers and that I was divorced.

Just like that… Well… not exactly like that. There were a few hiccups along the way. It just wouldn’t be my life without a few obstacles. God loves keeping things interesting. Lol! However, IN THE END, it was finally over.

Y’all, when I left the courthouse, I sat in my car and cried. I couldn’t believe the craziness was finally over! I felt like a genie being set free. Watched Aladdin yesterday. Lol. It was like I could finally breathe. I was no longer bound. The chains were gone. I was free!

On my drive home, all I could think about was my babies. They had ridden this thing out with me. They had been my true support system, over the years. They were the ones who witnessed everything I went through. Shoot, they struggled with me. The hardest part of the entire ordeal was not letting them know the toll it was taking on me. I was trusting and praising God through it all; however, there were days I would go into my room and cry and scream into my pillow. Then I would come out smiling. The crazy thing is, no matter how I tried to hide it from them, they knew I was miserable. Yeah, kids know. My son would often ask me why was I so sad. I didn’t even know I looked sad. So… after it was all over, my babies were the only ones I wanted to be with.

So, all month I debated celebrating the divorce. I really wanted to, but then I started thinking about what people would say. In the end, I celebrated! People are going to talk regardless. Only God knows how I truly feel, and it’s a happiness I’ve never experienced before. I always say NO ONE can love me like God. And it’s the absolute truth. He’s the ONLY one who can grant me the desires of my heart and make me feel like I’m in another dimension. He made my birthday month the best ever! I just love the way He loves me. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for this year. I can’t lie, every year He ALWAYS blows my mind with His blessings! He’s just good like that! All smiles!

Be Blessed,

Shaun

#LovingLife
#GodLovesMe
#46AndFree🦋

Hearing the lyrics “He makes all things new…” playing over and over in my head. Thanking God for the opportunity to make things right.

This year I will reclaim everything I’ve lost over the past 25 years – my dreams, my passion, love, finances, peace, confidence and so much more. God’s blessed me with this one life. It’s my job to make it shine. I owe it to Him to be my absolute best. I’m here to please Him and no one else. Humph… isn’t that something. Only Him, and everything else will be added. Whew! What a revelation! Have to create an image for that. Lol.

Thank You, Lord for the revelation! I can end this blog now. Here’s to new beginnings. Looking forward, not backwards.

Shaun
#Year46🦋

It’s exactly one week from my 46th birthday. God granted me a gift today that I do not take lightly. He officially granted me my freedom. This morning the judge signed my divorce papers.

I’m speechless. I’ve been crying off and on, all day. It’s finally over. Over four years of waiting. God is so good.

I could only imagine how I would feel afterwards. Even right until the moment I was called to the judge’s bench, I kept trying to figure out how it would all end. At the same time, I kept praying for peace. Praying that God calmed my mind. After it was over, I didn’t rejoice like I thought I would. I took the rest of the day off to be with my babies. They were the only two I wanted to see.

Prior to entering the courthouse, I had asked for prayers over social. When I came out, social media was the last thing on my mind. It’s after 7 p.m. and I still haven’t checked my accounts. It’s amazing how none of that even matters anymore. It kept me afloat all these years and now, it really doesn’t serve a purpose. Hmm…clarity.

Well, Happy Birthday to me! Thanks, God! I’m finally at peace. Amen

P.S. If there are typos in this message, it’s okay. Life will go on. I don’t feel like proofing and revising what I’ve written. Maybe some other time, but not today. Plus, no one’s going to read it anyway. Lol. Life.

Shaun

Yesterday my daughter asked if I was going to celebrate my birthday the entire month of June. I told her no. Last year was #Year45, as I called it. Well, this conversation happened before I got the best news of my life— he finally signed the divorce papers. YESSS!!!

Only God knows how I felt when I received the news. I can’t describe it. It was a feeling I had never felt before. It was so unexpected. When I saw the law office number pop up, nothing came to mind. Like nothing. My mind was blank. Usually when I see the number I try to speculate what the call’s about and always expect another road block. This time, I just answered. The words I heard were music to my ears. It was like this great calm overcame me. I was actually basking in God’s glory. As I said, I can’t even describe it. I’m free!

Over four years of waiting and it’s finally happened. So what’s next? I don’t know. I’m just going to live. Y’all I’m forever grateful to God for seeing me through this. Wow! Just, wow! Today’s a new day!

This is my season…

#46andFree

Shaun

Lately I’ve been thinking about the direction my life is going. My goals are still the same. However, there’s so much more I would like to do and what I’ve been doing is no longer satisfying. It’s time for a change.

A couple of days ago, Mara Akil used the hashtag “Rebuilding My Wildest Dreams.” It’s something that has stuck with me. Why build for someone else, or continue to do things to build others. I put something on my vision board about being a consultant for a non-governmental organization. Then, for a brief second, I had the thought that I should build my own. I quickly talked myself out of it. But why not. Why not build my own. Why not promote my own as much as I promote others. I’m just as brilliant and capable. Which is what my daughter has been telling me for years- imagine that.🤷🏽‍♀️

Well, I’m finally listening. This week is going to be bittersweet. I have to let go of the old and venture out. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things to do. Leaving my comfort zone is even harder, but it’s time. It’s time to rebuild my wildest dreams!

It’s Shaun’s World

#ItsShaunsWorld