The other day while I was doing a little soul searching, I had one of my aha moments. My journey, my world, is an experience that is meant to be shared in real time. As I have said many times before, if I wanted transparency from others, I needed to be transparent myself. My tests and testimonies are meant to be shared now, daily; not in a book later.
Y’all, my life is not perfect. You’re surprised, right?! Laughing. Nope, it’s far from perfect. Here I am, 50 years old, and still do not have life figured out. Sometimes I feel like a twenty year old who believes they still have time to make mistakes until they figure out what works for them. Then there are other times when I feel like I need to buckle down and be serious about life. The latter usually happens after I see people with their stuff together.
Honestly… and I am being so transparent and serious right now… I cannot pinpoint exactly when my life changed. Most of my life I was so serious about what I wanted out of life and was adamant about getting it. Yes, there were setbacks, but I always bounced back with a force to be and do better. I had dreams and goals. Now it’s like my drive is gone. Seems like I spend most of my time chasing the drive rather than the dream. My momentum seems to come in spurts. Basically, I’m tired. That’s it! I’m tired. I’m tired of being in charge. I’m tired of making decisions. I’m tired of taking care of everybody and everything. I’m tired of chasing a forever moving target. I have been in charge of, taking care of, and making decisions for other people since I was around five years old (that’s as far back as I can remember having to do so) and I am straight tied (not tired).
One of my life long goals was to retire before age 50 and live out the rest of my life doing whatever I pleased. Well, I actually retired twelve years ago. While I was manifesting my retirement I should have been manifesting some good money to go along with the retirement. Just saying. Laughing.
I can’t lie, I am actually living in what I wanted, what I manifested (I’m telling you it’s real). So why am I 1) still trying to do things I really do not want to do and 2) not fully enjoying this time I have been blessed to have? Again, it’s like I am chasing a drive that’s no longer here instead of resting in God’s goodness as I should be.
I’ll figure things out sooner or later. I guess this is what Year50 is all about–figuring out how I truly want to live out the rest of my life. Will I continue trying to do things I have no desire to do (because it’s surely not working) or do what I really want to do?
Anyhoo… only time will tell. I pray y’all have a wonderful weekend. Love you!♥️
Shaun
It’s Shaun’s World 