This morning I was somewhat in my feelings. Was thinking about a particular moment, but didn’t have time to elaborate. It is funny how one moment in time can change your entire perspective on life. Well, here is what had me feeling some kind of way, and I guess I am still feeling it.
Last Monday, while returning home from visiting my mom, I heard as clear as day, “What if you have to wait another 10 years… another decade… before all of your dreams come to fruition?” Y’all, when I tell you the weight of that question hit me like a ton of bricks! I started bawling. Bawling while trying to drive. I was a mess. I never considered waiting that long. I will be 50 soon, meaning I will be 60 in ten years. I know I say timing is everything. That’s what most of us say. We say it with the exception that whatever we desire will happen sooner than later. But another 10 years?!
In my mind, I have been faithful in doing what I have been asked. I have been preparing and preparing. Then every time I think I’m close to everything happening, I discover I’m even further away. There is always so much more to learn and to do. I really do appreciate the complexity of the journey. I actually like watching things play out. With that being said, when will I see progress? I write everything down. I know I am not where I was 10 years ago; however, I am nowhere near where I imagined I would be by this age. Now, the thought of having to wait an additional 10 years and be okay with it is disheartening. It makes me want throw away everything I have been working towards. Honestly, the only reason I have not given up in all this time is because of my kids. Now they are both adults doing their own thing. I no longer have to keep pushing so hard. All I have to do is continue encouraging them. Basically, I am tired.
Back to the question. My response, after I finally finished crying, was if the next 10 years were so great that it would not feel like 10, I wouldn’t mind waiting. I mean, do I even have a choice of whether to wait or not? I can always resort back to me being in control and making things happen on my own, which never worked. Or… I can wait and allow God to do His thing. From experience, I know it is best to wait on Him. But at this very moment, I feel like dropping everything and living out my life as it is. Why do I always want more? Why can’t I be content with what is? I am tired of anticipating the unknown. It’s exhausting.
Yeah… this is how I’m feeling right now. Hopefully I will feel differently tomorrow. I will figure something out, as well as get through this. I always do.