One of my cousins shared the attached quote on Facebook. It says it all. God has everything worked out. From our current needs to our future desires.
Sometimes I find myself playing different scenarios over and over in my head trying to figure out how something will end. You know, “What will happen if I do this?” or “How will they react if I say that?” For me, this happens almost daily. However, I am slowly learning to go with the flow. From past experiences, after spending countless hours daydreaming about how something will happen, nothing ever happens as I imagine. NEVER! So, why worry. We are in God’s hands.
This new normal seems to be wearing on me. It is becoming harder and harder to stay focused. I am so tired of online meetings and conference calls. They seem to disrupt my days. I always have to regroup afterwards. My To-Do lists have been replaced by completing tedious work logs, which have added another level of stress to my life. I seem to spend most of my time thinking about how I can show that I am being productive than actually being productive. Ugh! Talk about stressful! All I want to do is, do my job. I want to work without the added pressure.
Then there is the lack of face-to-face interaction with others. I am a people person. I live for saying “Good Morning” as I pass others on the way to my office. It brightens my day. I miss my morning trips to Starbucks and Einstein Bagels. Again, because I get to interact with people. Y’all, I miss having real conversations with colleagues and students. Yes, I am having a difficult time. And I realize others are too. I just wish I could adjust, already!
Anyway, yesterday I had to take a step away from everything and remind myself to breathe. I had to remind myself that after the work day was over, it was OVER. No thoughts about what I had not completed. I had to let it go. After shutting everything down, I gave my 16 year old, who I feel like I have been neglecting, my undivided attention.
I remembered that this is also a new normal for him. He has been out of school for two months. He also misses his friends and teachers. This new normal has to be just as difficult for him. Last night he told me school ended last Friday. How did I not know this? I do not remember receiving an email or text from his school. I wanted to cry. This new normal is anything but normal.
Going forward, I am going to be a little more lenient with myself. I am going to focus on what matters most, my sanity and my children. Life is too short to continue focusing on stressors. So, whenever I become frustrated, I must first remember that I matter; I am loved; and God has me in His hands. Then I can focus on others and work, too.
My love for problem solving is deeply rooted. It started long before my love for research. Sometimes I wish that I was not so inquisitive, not nosy. (Smile)
The following blog was written a few years ago. You will find that the majority of my blogs are about my personal experiences – the AWESOME, the Great, and the not so great. Hope you enjoy.
Honestly, I did not know much about research before I began working on my bachelor’s degree. Whenever I heard the word research, I imagined …
Been reading past blogs this morning. As with journal entries, I like to know where I was a year ago. You know, to see if I am on the right path; if I am doing what I said I would do. Below is the link to my blog from May 20, 2019. Little did I know that I was 11 days from my ex-husband finally signing our divorce papers. On that day, I had decided that with or without his signature, I was going to live.
This May, despite COVID-19, I am in a better place – mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. Honestly, during this time last year, I was beginning to feel hopeless. It had been over 4 years since my ex and I had separated, and over a year and a half since the divorce papers were drawn and served. I had not heard from my attorney in weeks. Y’all, I was in a bad place. But on May 20, 2019, something changed. As I said, that was when I decided to live.
Listen, when you give everything to God, miracles happen. Forever grateful.
I could not end this week without testifying about all of my wonderful experiences this week. Smiling as I reminisce. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a movie or I’m living someone else’s life. Then I remember, no, this is definitely my life. Shaun, this is what joy feels like.
Y’all, I wish I could describe the feeling. I would use the word euphoric, but it just sounds so druggish. Reminds me of how Lynn (a character on my new favorite show, Tyler Perry’s Ruthless) feels every time she thinks about that compound. You have to watch the show to understand. Lol. The only difference is, hers was drug induced. However, mine.. HA!.. my joy comes from THE Highest, THE All Powerful, THE ALL Mighty GOD!!! NOTHING compares to my God. Whew!! Let me walk you through my week. Bae-bé, I don’t need no drugs or alcohol to get me high, never have. God has ALWAYS done it for me!
Caution: You may not see joy in any of the experiences I’m about to share. My joy is tailored just for me, as with your own. Enjoy!
Okay… It all began last Sunday. Sunday was Mother’s Day. I took my mom her gifts and hung out with her for a while. Something I have not been able to do since this COVID-19 pandemic. Kept my mask on. Couldn’t hug her. But I was able to visit. Which was a big deal. You see, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do any of this had she been in the hospital. For two years (2018 & 2019), my mom was in the hospital on Mother’s Day. And even when I visited her Sunday, she had a high fever that wouldn’t break. However, she was awake, talkative, and absolutely beautiful. She asked that we not get too close to her for fear of us getting sick. She had decided that if she had anything she was going to ride it out at home. She’s our warrior queen. God still has plans for her. Y’all, I love my momma.
Afterwards, I came home. Disinfected myself. Lol. Then got ready for my gifts, my son and daughter. My daughter brought over homemade quiche, bacon, and freshly cut fruit. A tradition she started years ago. I was ready! As I ate breakfast, we had one of our long, comical family conversations. I really enjoy talking to them. For me, it’s more than listening to their perspectives on life. It’s seeing the expressions on their faces when they talk. It’s their mannerism. It’s their passion. I take all of it in. As I have said countless times, I still cannot believe I’m a mother. Tearing up just thinking about it. Y’all, God chose me, of all people, to raise these two. I am so blessed.
After my daughter left, I decided to watch Michelle Obama’s Becoming on Netflix. Found out Mrs. Obama had a tweet party the day before. I was so disappointed that I had missed it, but then I remembered that everything happens for a reason. Watching it on Sunday was better because I was able to focus on the show instead of reading tweets and tweeting. I needed that calm, me-time, to take it all in. I have always admired our forever First Lady. Always been fascinated by her strength and tenacity. She took blows and kept going. Talk about resilient! I always said that if I ever had an opportunity to have a conversation with her, I would ask how she endured the hard times. Lucky for me, and the rest of us, she wrote Becoming. I read it last year. Then saw her at Essence Festival. However, this documentary was little more special because it gave us her, the person behind the personae. I love transparency and that’s what I got.
Anyhoo.. I’m writing way more than I had planned. Bear with me. Lol!
Like I said, this is pretty long, but I’m on a roll now, can’t stop. Lol. Later that evening, I watched episodes 7 & 8 of Michael Jordan’s The Last Dance. Just the mention of the title makes me excited!! I lived through it. I was there. I experienced it first hand. I wrote about it in my journal. I have memorabilia. Y’all, this documentary has given me life! You can feel MJ’s passion in every play, in every win. He loved the game. He loved the competition. I feel that. I’m not very competitive; however, when I am passionate about something, watch out! That’s all I have to say.
After watching both documentaries, I was on an unbelievable high. Felt like I was floating on clouds. Like I said, I don’t need drugs to make me feel this way. I don’t need money to make me feel this way. It’s something embedded in me that explodes every time these experiences happen. I really can’t explain it. When I make posts on social media about how good God is, most of the time it’s about something God has revealed to me or has allowed me to experience. He’s just good like that. Often, I feel embarrassed after I have these outbursts of joy. To some, I may appear crazy or extra. What they don’t understand is, I’m on this natural high and it feels so good. That night, while looking for photos, I kept finding MJ memorabilia. I found old newspaper articles about The Last Dance. Then I found a Space Jam coin. When I decided to keep these things, I didn’t think that one day people would be talking about the game. I kept them for my own memories. So, as I discovered different things, I started posting pictures on social media. I felt like I had won millions. Again, God is so good. He makes me smile. He makes happy.
Then the rest of the week went down like this. Monday, a Facebook memory popped up of my daughter graduating from undergrad. Talk about emotional. Here we were three years later, and she was preparing to graduate again. Unbelievable! You see, I watched her struggle. I listened to her contemplate her next moves, law school or a master’s degree. All while, I kept reminding her that everything happens for a reason and that whatever happened would prepare her for what’s yet to come. Well, that was Monday.
Tuesday was probably just as extraordinary. Lol. I say this because that night I wrote in my journal that God was so good and that I would elaborate the next morning. Well, I never wrote anything else. So I have no clue of what I was referring to. Too funny! I wonder if that was the day I found out Tyler Perry’s shows, The Oval and Sistas, were renewed for a second season. It could have been that day or Wednesday, but it happened earlier this week. Like I said, it’s the small things that excite me. Both casts were so happy. And I was so happy for them. So that could have been it. Y’all, it really is the small things that have me all excited. Lol.
Wednesday, was the day before my nephew’s graduation ceremony. Yes, he also graduated this week with a master’s in Public Health. Well, while looking for pictures to share, I became frustrated because I couldn’t find two photo albums that held over 30+ years of pictures. I tore my house up looking for those albums. I’m not gonna lie, I had a meltdown. I couldn’t stop crying. That’s when my son decided to start helping me look for them. Now, he picked everything apart. I still have to clean up the mess he made. Unfortunately, I did not find them.. at that time. In the midst of my crying, I heard God say that I had to learn to let things go. That what I had at that moment, was all I needed. Whatever I lost, I had to be okay with losing. Y’all, I stopped crying. I cleaned my face. Ate dinner. Then watched my shows, The Oval and Ruthless. I tweeted so much that Twitter thought I was a robot. Like I said, when something excites me, watch out! Lol. Shoot, I was even tweeting from two accounts. The worst part about being shut down is, you can no longer interact with people. I couldn’t even discuss my shows. I was hurt. BUT. . . I did find my photo albums before I went to bed. I started cleaning up the mess I had made in my closet and decided to look in a storage bin I had already looked in. This time I took everything out and at the very bottom were the two albums and one I had forgotten about. The lesson I learned from that was, when you let go, God will pour out blessings you will never expect to receive. He will always give you more. Y’all, my God is sooo good. I can’t help but brag on Him!
Thursday we celebrated my nephew and my daughter. I made so many posts on social media. I am so proud of them. Well, Thursday was all about them. We had a Facebook Live watch party for my nephew’s graduation. Which was pretty awesome. People who wouldn’t have normally had the opportunity to attend his graduation, got to attend. It was wonderful seeing everyone interacting with each other. Even estranged family members attended. I guess you can say we had a virtual family reunion. So, that day was amazing.
Yesterday (Friday), was my daughter’s celebration. We usually go out to eat at Half Shell Oyster House (another tradition). However, due to COVID-19, we had to make a few changes. I ordered curbside service. Decorated my house to give it the perfect restaurant ambiance. Dimmed lights, tea light candles, jazz playing in the background and food plated like we were at the restaurant. Y’all, it wasn’t the best, but she enjoyed it. Her smile was all that mattered.
It’s Saturday morning. I’m still in bed. Not sure what today holds. What I do know is, God is good and he loves me. His love is unmatched. The joy He gives me is indescribable. Only He can make my heart flutter when I discover something new or see a smile on someone’s face. He is my joy.
As usual, please forgive any errors. Today, I’m releasing myself from the anxiety of perfection. It is what it is. Enjoy!
Two years ago, on April 7, 2018, I wrote in my journal that I needed to – reflect, regroup, refocus, and rebuild. It took me a minute to get here, but I’m here. Finally rebuilding.
I can’t believe I spent so much time reflecting. Reflecting on what could’ve, would’ve, and what I believed, should’ve happened. I was forever living in the past. Chastising myself for making a mess of my life. For the mistakes I hadmade. It was a while before I realized I was supposed to use those reflections as stepping stones for my future. The mistakes I made were lessons, not a place for self pity. After I realized this, I was able to move on to regrouping and refocusing.
Had to get myself together spiritually, emotionally, mentally and financially. Y’all, I was a mess. As I began to regroup, my focus changed. Instead of being all over the place about future endeavors, I finally narrowed them down to focusing on the things I love. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not where I want to be, but I know where I’m headed.
Now, it has taken a while to get to this rebuilding phase. Well, I’ve actually been rebuilding for some time. However, I was so distracted by my reflections, and trying to refocus and regroup, that I didn’t notice God rebuilding my life. Yeah.. He was doing it all along. See, I was so focused on how long it was taking that I didn’t pay attention to what God was doing along the way. Not only was He teaching me patience, but He was teaching me how to – have faith, totally depend on him, take leaps, and manage my finances. Oh.. and I can’t forget, how to forgive myself and move forward. I’ve always heard, God doesn’t take you straight to your blessings. You have to go through a few things before you get them. Didn’t understand this concept while I was going through my trials, but I do now.
As I stated before, I’m not where I want to be, BUT I’m finally moving forward. Finally rebuilding. The light at the end of the tunnel is so much brighter.
Now, TRUST! Trust is my next hurdle. Especially when it comes to trusting in love. That’s a BIG one. We shall see what happens with that. Lol.
It’s Shaun’s World 
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