Tag: divorce

Life

Fear

Shaun Bradford

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

The Facebook memory I’m sharing below is from four years ago, April 11, 2019. It was written a few weeks after I signed the divorce papers that my ex refused to sign. Up until that day, not many of my friends or family on Facebook knew I was getting a divorce, let alone the things I was going through. And this was over four years after we had separated.

Well, on this particular day I had had enough. For years I was afraid he would kill me. In the memory I used the phrase, “my life would be taken,” to soften the blow for my readers. But it was sooo much deeper than that. I was scared. Like really scared for my life. The more he would tell me he wasn’t going to let me go, or send random texts about how much he loved me – and this was up until he finally signed the papers – the more afraid I became. It was rough. We hear about murder-suicides all the time, and for years, I just knew I would be a victim.

On April 11, 2019, I stopped being afraid. That day I declared my freedom.

Facebook Memory: April 11, 2019

Good Morning! No social media find, just my testimony. Warning: For those who hate when people put all of their business on social media – stop reading NOW!

For over four years I’ve been walking on eggshells. Trying to do everything just right, out of fear. I’ve been afraid my life would be taken at any moment. If not mine, my babies, or he would take his own life (what would that be like for my son). I prayed about it. Started working on my goals. Created a new life for me and my kids. However, there’s always one thing looming, fear. I keep my office door locked at work when no one’s there. I’m never alone with him. You may think I’m overreacting, but I don’t care. It’s what I feel. I’m tired of walking around in fear because he won’t let me go.

Today…today I’m releasing the fear and I’m going to live. That sheet of paper did not give him control over my life. Whether he signs the divorce papers or not, I’m living! And I’m living without fear! Life is too short to always be afraid.

Listen… I am so happy to be on the other side of that fear. To read the words and not feel the same sting feels absolutely amazing. For years, I could not imagine getting to this point, yet here I am. Y’all, God is so wonderful. I am truly, truly blessed.

Thanks for allowing me to share my story.♥️

Shaun

** Note: Never diminish someone’s feelings about being afraid. When they tell you that they fear for their life, believe them. Please do not act like they are overreacting. Sometimes they see and experience things you can’t understand. Also, what you may see as acts of love, another may see as torture. Be Blessed

Life

Hello Sunday

Shaun Bradford

Hello. Hello. Hello!

Fathers, you are loved and very much appreciated.♥️

I hope you are doing well today. I have something I feel the need to write about; however, it is so deep and complex that I feel like I should leave it for another day and time. Save it for when I am not emotionally attached to the subject, at least not as emotional because I feel I will always be attached to it. The subject is fatherhood and fathers, specifically Black fathers, being present and active in their children’s lives while mothers are put in situations where they have to choose what that looks like. Y’all know I love my Tyler Perry shows and this particular subject was brought up in another one of his shows, House of Payne.

As I mentioned, the topic is too deep and complex to tackle without me becoming emotional. However, I would like to say this before sharing a short story. Being a parent is a balancing act between making sure your child(ren) are properly cared for and loved, and you having and maintaining proper self care. And by proper self care, I am speaking holistically. In most cases, we as parents will always choose our children’s wellbeing and happiness over our own.

Short story…

When I decided to get my divorce, I thought about this same subject. What would I be doing to the relationship between my son and his father. My daughter was already out of the house but my son had about 7-8 more years to go. Honestly, I was in that relationship much longer than I should have ever been, even during the divorce process (believe me, it did not have to take over four years) because I was concerned about my son’s wellbeing. Y’all, I never said anything negative about his father in his presence. I was so intentional about not letting my thoughts and feelings tarnish their relationship. Well, a few weeks before my husband moved out, my son (then eleven) asked to have a conversation with me. His father had already told him about the divorce after we agreed we would tell him together. I had no idea. Well, he asked me if I no longer loved his dad and if he would get to see him again. I was honest about both — “No” and “Yes.” When I asked him how he felt about the situation he told me he just wanted us both to be happy even if that meant us not being together. Y’all, I was floored! I don’t know too many kids his age who would have put it that way. Talk about wise beyond his years. When I asked where he wanted to live, he told me wherever his sister would be. Listen, if he would have chosen to stay with his dad, I was prepared to let him do it and pay child support. One thing I knew from living separately from my father and my mom making sure I had a relationship with him was that I would always make an effort to be in my child’s life no matter what.

Anyhoo… That conversation sealed my decision to move forward with the divorce. Had he asked for me to stay with his dad, I would have. I was dying on the inside, but I would have. As I said in a previous blog, the day my ex moved out it was like a weight had been lifted. The entire atmosphere changed. A few years later, my son said he hated hearing me crying. Y’all, I didn’t even know he knew. I didn’t even know he knew I was sad.

Okay… I’m going to go ahead and end this now. I have so many personal and family stories about relationships between children and fathers – me and my dad, my parents and their dads, my stepdads (mom was married three times) and my children and their dads (which I would never share beyond my interactions with their fathers).

Y’all, managing our own lives is already hard. Then throw a child in the mix… Whew! I will leave you with this, a whole parent is able to love and give more than a broken parent. In return, the child thrives. Believe me, I have seen it!

Well, that’s all I have for you today. Tried to keep it light. Going to visit my mom in a few hours. She’s still in the hospital but no longer in ICU. Y’all, life is short, don’t overthink or make things complicated. Keep it simple – love unconditionally and be kind.

Love you!

Shaun

Life

Trying to Understand Why?

Shaun Bradford

Yes, this is my second time writing today. Had to get this off my chest and see if anyone can help me understand, “Why?”. Why is it so difficult for some – not going to say most or all – men to dissociate their child from the child’s mother? Here’s my story:

After several attempts at watching Christopher Nolen’s A Christmas Wish, I finally finished it. For me, it was unbelievably difficult to watch because I felt like I was the mom in the story having to provide for a child without conditional financial assistance from the father. You see, the father (ex-husband) in the story refused to pay child support, but said he would provide everything the child needed if and when she asked. This was the first issue I had. The next was the father’s plea to the mom – “Why don’t you let me take care of you? You know I still love you.” Which brings me back to my original question, why is it so difficult for men to see the mother and child as two separate individuals? Why couldn’t he take care of the child without associating it with his love for the mom?

After I had my daughter, I refused to ask her father for child support. I was not going to beg him to take care of his child. Plus, just like the father in the movie, he kept saying he wanted to take care of both of us. He wanted us to be together. But he was already with someone else. And when I refused, he decided not to provide for her. He told me if I needed anything, to just ask. Well, I didn’t. I believed if he wanted to take care of her he would do it on his own. I mean, mothers don’t have a choice. We do it whether the father is around or not. Well, after a couple of years of my mom telling me I needed to put my pride aside and seek support for my daughter, I did. I filed for child support before I left for Turkey. The agency reported that they were not able to locate him. Then a few months after arriving in Turkey, I received a letter from him stating if I wanted support, he was going to seek joint custody. My daughter was three years old and had never laid eyes on him nor spoken to him. Not because I would not allow it, but because I chose not to be with him. Y’all, he never even spoke to my baby! From birth, I kept him and his parents informed about her progress. I sent pictures. I wrote letters and neither him nor his family made an effort to have a relationship with her. So there was no way I was going to give him joint custody just to receive a check. So, I chose to raise her on my own.

Fast forward to today and my now ex. Almost the exact same scenario. I’m not going to lie, it hurts. Never in a million years did I expect it from him because he knew what I went through with my daughter’s father. So yeah, watching the movie was very difficult. The pain is still very fresh. In the movie, the little girl’s wish was for them to be a family again on Christmas Day, and of course it happened. Well, up until two years ago, I did the family Christmas thing, but ended it because it only gave my ex false hope of us getting back together. Before the next Christmas rolled around, I informed my son that we were no longer going to spend Christmases together. This was also after finally being granted the divorce after over four years of waiting. And guess what? My son was actually okay with it.

Even though it took me several attempts to get through the movie, I did it. It may seem insignificant to you, but it’s an accomplishment for me. Y’all, I really didn’t think I could do it. It hurt too badly. At times I found myself yelling at the television begging the mom not to take him back. Yeah, it was painful to watch.

Here is my takeaway from the movie, or what I needed to come to terms with. Yes, some people settle for package deal because that is what works for them. And guess what? It’s okay. Me, I did not accept the package deal so I must accept the consequences of my actions. Lastly, I have to let it go. My son is 18 and my daughter is 26. There has never been a time in their lives that I was not able to provide for them or did not ask for help when I really needed it. I can no longer beat myself up over the relationship/lack of relationship they have with their fathers because I chose not to accept the package deal. Yes, it’s time for me to let it go.

After I had my daughter, I would often ask her father why he could not take care of her without taking care of me. He said because he loved me and all of us should be together. I’m still bewildered.

If anyone has the answer, please let me know.

Shaun

Life

Just Felt Like Writing

Shaun Bradford

It’s almost 4:00 AM. This time I fell asleep in the recliner. Woke up about an hour ago and can’t go back to sleep. So I guess I’ll write and share one of my Facebook memories.

Two years ago, I was on cloud nine. Life seemed so surreal. Two days before I had written the post below, the judge finalized my divorce. I had waited over four years for that day. I remember being so nervous as I entered the courthouse. I tried not to expect the worse but I did. The night before, I had googled everything that could possibly go wrong. What if my ex changed his mind? What if the judge decided not to grant the divorce? Sooo many what ifs. Y’all, I was a nervous wreck. I remember my lawyer telling the judge that I was really nervous. The judge assured me that I didn’t have anything to be nervous about. That I had waited long enough, she was signing the papers. After it was all over, all I wanted to do was hug my babies. They knew what that day meant. They knew what I had been through because they went through it with me. I always tried to hold it together around them. Never wanted them to see me sad or cry, but they knew. They were my rocks. I’m so grateful they allowed me to love on them over that four year period. The love I gave them they reciprocated, which has continued to this day. Honestly, I have never been loved so unconditionally. They are my blessings.

Y’all, I’m forever grateful I listened to God. Despite how crazy people thought I was for getting the divorce, I listened to God, let go and haven’t looked back. In April of this year, I did the same with my career of 15 years. I left it all behind and haven’t regretted it once. Unlike when I separated from my ex– all nervous and afraid– this time I wasn’t nervous or afraid. I happily let everything go knowing I was following God’s lead and that I was safe in His hands. I guess you could say the divorce and that four year period of only relying on God prepared me for where I am today. Without going through what I went through back then, I would not have been able to make it today. Y’all, I have been jobless since April 1st and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. God assured me He would provide and He has. Grateful.

Okay.. I’ve written enough. Here’s what I shared on June 19, 2019. By the way- Happy Juneteenth!!

Happy Hump Day! Here’s today’s social media find. Take the leap! TAKE THE LEAP!! I guarantee, if God said He’ll catch you, you have NOTHING to be afraid of. Words of caution– it’ll be a bumpy fall. You’ll have some scars. Mostly because you decide to trust yourself and not God. But it’s all good. Those bumps will help you grow and become stronger. Just know, in the end, when God catches you!!!.. Whew!.. You’ll KNOW it was well worth the leap.

Unlike that particular leap, this one hasn’t been bumpy at all. As I said earlier, I believe the first leap prepared me for where I am today. I learned from the first one to trust God, COMPLETELY! Forever grateful and blessed.

As always, thanks for reading my early morning ramblings.

Shaun

Life

Hello Sunday

Shaun Bradford
Blessed

Trust the timing of your life.
Trust your intuition.
Trust your journey.
– Author Unkown

I saw this quote on Facebook this morning. It reminded me of my life and my journey.

Trust the timing of your life…

Around the end of August I was invited to write a chapter in a book anthology. I said yes before I could talk myself out of it. I knew if I thought about it, even for a second, I would have said no. This year I promised myself that when opportunities presented themselves, opportunities that I knew I was capable of but afraid of doing, I would do them. I guess you can say I am finally seizing opportunities. Carpe diem!

Trust your intuition…

If it does not feel right, I am not going to do it. Period! My chapter is about my marriage and divorce. So far I have written several versions of the story. Some are more detailed than others. Right now, I am not sure which one to submit. Although it is my story, it also involves my ex-husband. I do not care how our relationship ended, and this is with any relationship, I refuse to publicly humiliate a person. We all have flaws and issues. Umm… Just thinking… this is probably the reason it took me over four years to get a divorce. I refused to be ugly. Ugh! Okay… enough about this.

Trust your journey…

Going with the flow and allowing God to lead. As we all have seen with 2020, life is so unpredictable. No matter what comes or goes, I must always remember that I am in God’s hands, and He is always in control. Whatever He has planned for my future is meant for my good. I will always be victorious!

Well, that’s all I have. Wishing you a fabulous Sunday! Remember to trust the timing of your life, trust your intuition, and trust your journey. God’s got you!

Be Blessed

Shaun

Life

Can I SCREAM, Now?!

Shaun Bradford

Scream: To give a long, loud, piercing cry or cries, expressing excitement, great emotion, or PAIN

I say that I want to scream, but I believe I need to scream. I am so frustrated, right now. Honestly, I have been frustrated– BEYOND frustrated– since my brother passed. People have said that I need to give myself time to process his death. HA! Easier said than done.

But to be completely transparent, yeah.. because who am I kidding, that whole divorce thing did a number on me. After my divorce was final, I thought I was finally free and about to live my best life. My birthday theme was “46 & FREE!” I was posting, “New beginnings” all over the place. Then three months later, my brother died, unexpectedly. Y’all, what a blow! We were supposed to be together until we were old and grey. But God had other plans. Now, here we are in the lovely year of 2020. Speechless.

Y’all, can I SCREAM, now???

The only visual I can give you of how I am feeling, and what I want to do… correction… what I NEED to do, comes from Michael and Janet Jackson’s video Scream. Soooo…

Shaun