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Breathe

This new normal seems to be wearing on me. It is becoming harder and harder to stay focused. I am so tired of online meetings and conference calls. They seem to disrupt my days. I always have to regroup afterwards. My To-Do lists have been replaced by completing tedious work logs, which have added another level of stress to my life. I seem to spend most of my time thinking about how I can show that I am being productive than actually being productive. Ugh! Talk about stressful! All I want to do is, do my job. I want to work without the added pressure.

Then there is the lack of face-to-face interaction with others. I am a people person. I live for saying “Good Morning” as I pass others on the way to my office. It brightens my day. I miss my morning trips to Starbucks and Einstein Bagels. Again, because I get to interact with people. Y’all, I miss having real conversations with colleagues and students. Yes, I am having a difficult time. And I realize others are too. I just wish I could adjust, already!

Anyway, yesterday I had to take a step away from everything and remind myself to breathe. I had to remind myself that after the work day was over, it was OVER. No thoughts about what I had not completed. I had to let it go. After shutting everything down, I gave my 16 year old, who I feel like I have been neglecting, my undivided attention.

I remembered that this is also a new normal for him. He has been out of school for two months. He also misses his friends and teachers. This new normal has to be just as difficult for him. Last night he told me school ended last Friday. How did I not know this? I do not remember receiving an email or text from his school. I wanted to cry. This new normal is anything but normal.

Going forward, I am going to be a little more lenient with myself. I am going to focus on what matters most, my sanity and my children. Life is too short to continue focusing on stressors. So, whenever I become frustrated, I must first remember that I matter; I am loved; and God has me in His hands. Then I can focus on others and work, too.

Breathe.

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Finally Rebuilding

Two years ago, on April 7, 2018, I wrote in my journal that I needed to – reflect, regroup, refocus, and rebuild. It took me a minute to get here, but I’m here. Finally rebuilding.

I can’t believe I spent so much time reflecting. Reflecting on what could’ve, would’ve, and what I believed, should’ve happened. I was forever living in the past. Chastising myself for making a mess of my life. For the mistakes I had made. It was a while before I realized I was supposed to use those reflections as stepping stones for my future. The mistakes I made were lessons, not a place for self pity. After I realized this, I was able to move on to regrouping and refocusing.

Had to get myself together spiritually, emotionally, mentally and financially. Y’all, I was a mess. As I began to regroup, my focus changed. Instead of being all over the place about future endeavors, I finally narrowed them down to focusing on the things I love. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not where I want to be, but I know where I’m headed.

Now, it has taken a while to get to this rebuilding phase. Well, I’ve actually been rebuilding for some time. However, I was so distracted by my reflections, and trying to refocus and regroup, that I didn’t notice God rebuilding my life. Yeah.. He was doing it all along. See, I was so focused on how long it was taking that I didn’t pay attention to what God was doing along the way. Not only was He teaching me patience, but He was teaching me how to – have faith, totally depend on him, take leaps, and manage my finances. Oh.. and I can’t forget, how to forgive myself and move forward. I’ve always heard, God doesn’t take you straight to your blessings. You have to go through a few things before you get them. Didn’t understand this concept while I was going through my trials, but I do now.

As I stated before, I’m not where I want to be, BUT I’m finally moving forward. Finally rebuilding. The light at the end of the tunnel is so much brighter.

Now, TRUST! Trust is my next hurdle. Especially when it comes to trusting in love. That’s a BIG one. We shall see what happens with that. Lol.

Shaun