Life

I’m Learning

Listening to God and following His lead is fairly easy when we are in agreement. However, when I don’t completely agree with where He is leading me, or unsure of the outcome, it is quite difficult. But I’m learning. Yes, slowly but surely, I am learning.

I often reference journal entries and Facebook memories because they give me a picture of where I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes I find that I have grown a lot. However, sometimes I find I haven’t grown at all. That I have only gotten older. Just being transparent.

This brings me to the point of giving God total control to lead. Which means I have to listen and obey without having a hand in the outcome. I am not going to lie, sometimes I do not like following God’s lead because His guidance can result in loss, disappointment, and heartache. Just keeping it real! However, in the end, things always seem to work out for the best. Hmmm… funny how that happens.

Well, what led me to write this blog was a journal entry from September 18, 2017. In the entry, I mentioned two individuals I was dead set on helping even though God kept telling me to cut ties. Y’all, I couldn’t do it. God sent so many signs, but I had other plans. I wrote how it was not about me but the “bigger picture.” But whose bigger picture? Mine or God’s? Honestly, not letting go caused more damage than it would have if I had listened and let go when I was instructed to do so. It took me a minute to be obedient. However, once I was, I began to grow.

As I said, I am still learning. God sees and knows all things. He knows our heart and intentions as well as others. He knows what keeps us stagnant and what promotes growth. Slowly, but surely, I am learning. Anxious to see what God has in store.

Shaun

Life

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I don’t even know where to begin. What happens when what you thought happened and what really happened, aren’t the same?

Been reading journal entries from 1992. Many entries were significant. However, this particular entry – written a few weeks before I left for basic training – hit me like a ton of bricks! Y’all, for almost 30 years I have been retelling this one particular story all wrong, very wrong. Well… maybe I have or maybe not. You decide. I do know that the way I remembered what happened has significantly influenced my life and decisions I have made over the years.

Here is how I have been telling it. How I remembered.

“Blue Eyes (y’all know I don’t use names) and I were sitting in the stairwell when I told him I had joined the Air Force. I could see he was disappointed. The words he said next have haunted me for years – ‘You’re just going to end up pregnant and alone.’ And he was right. I ended up pregnant and alone.”

Well… here is what I wrote on May 4, 1992.

“Blue Eyes said that I’ll probably end up married before I come back.”

Hmmm….. not pregnant and alone. Nothing about me getting pregnant or being alone. Did I really make it all up? Or at the time that I wrote the entry, was it not that significant? Could it be that I did not remember the rest of our conversation until I found out I was pregnant?

Well, for almost 30 years I felt like trash whenever I retold that story. I felt like he thought I was not worthy of love or marriage. As if I was destined to be alone. Did I project this on myself based off of something I thought I remembered? Why did I not remember the married part? Had I gotten married instead of pregnant, would I have remembered?

Sadly, I allowed one story, remembered incorrectly or partially, to control my life. Yes, it has actually controlled my life. It has controlled how I have perceived my worthiness. For years I have always seen myself as a single mother. Of course I eventually got married, but in my mind I was still a single mom. What is even more crazy is, I got married because I wanted to prove my worthiness. That I was worth more than being “pregnant and alone.” You know, sometimes it’s not the big things that happen to us that bothers us the most but the tiniest. Y’all, what I thought I remembered hurt me to my core.

Honestly, I really do believe he said it because I remember the pain from that conversation. It was not a good feeling. And to think that was the last conversation we ever had.

Today, I am releasing all of the remnants from that conversation. How I perceive myself today, and my worthiness, is not based on some conversation in a stairwell almost 30 years ago. From here on out I will no longer view myself as a single mom but as someone who is single with two beautiful children who is worthy of love and marriage.

Resetting my life. Feeling free!

Listen, you better get you a journal.

Shaun

Life

Wednesday Writings

Hey y’all! I almost forgot that today is Wednesday.

Everything is good here. This week has been pretty busy. Which is a good thing. Today’s blog will be very brief.

Here is an excerpt from a journal entry written on September 15, 2017:

I am a conqueror. I was placed here for a reason. Everything I’ve been through, and the dreams I’ve had, are preparing me for something greater.

Remember, you too are a conqueror and was placed here for a reason. SHINE!

Shaun

Life

Hello Sunday

Today is the 16th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, and Hurricane Ida is due to make landfall in a few hours. August 29, 2005. August 29, 2021.

Katrina was a Category 3. Ida is already a Category 4, nearing a Category 5.

So what am I going to do? Stay put. There is really no where to go. Most of MS is in its path. And if it’s anything like Katrina, it is going to eventually work its way up the East coast. All I can do is pray damage and casualties are minimal. Fortunately, I live far enough from the coast not to experience the storm surge, but not far enough from strong winds, heavy rain, flooding and possible tornadoes. Mentally, I am not prepared to deal with what is predicted to come. Trying to enjoy every moment of peace and calm, before the storm.

Katrina… Katrina was devastating. During Katrina, our power was out for several days. That was the most discomfort we experienced. However, so many lost so much more to include family members. For years… yes, years… we were reminded of the devastation – twisted trees, blue-tarped roofs, and dilapidated houses. And that was just here in Hattiesburg, which is more than a hundred miles from where Katrina made landfall. And the Gulf Coast… from Pascagula to New Orleans, the damage was surreal. Communities were literally gone. GONE! Now here we go again.

Y’all, I’m not ready. Not at all. Praying for God’s mercy, grace and protection.

Shaun