Tag: momma

Life

It’s Been One Year

Shaun Bradford

Today is the first anniversary of my mom’s passing. I still remember her screaming “Hallelujah” over and over again before she had her last seizure—which was the day before she officially passed. I honestly believe she left us at that moment. However, we waited for her to recover as she had done before, but she never did. She was in a coma.

I mean, we knew she was passing. We weren’t naive. For months her appetite had been slowly decreasing. Her blood levels were steadily declining. Almost every other week she was getting a transfusion. Her stage 4 wound wasn’t healing and she had become septic…again…as she had become every couple of weeks. Yes, we knew she was dying but we just wanted her to look at us one more time. We kept trying to wake her up by singing her favorite songs, talking to her about her favorite shows and meals, washing her face, everything. But nothing worked. No eye movement. No sign of irritation whenever they came in to change the dressing on her wound. Nothing. The only signs of life were the numbers on the monitor that were gradually dropping.

On the morning of her passing, the doctor told us it was time for us to make the final decision. The oxygen and blood pressure medicine were the only things keeping her alive for us. Basically, she was already gone. They had tried taking her off several times before and her oxygen and blood pressure levels plummeted. Because she was a DNR, they wanted to make sure we were ready for what was to come before disconnecting everything.

After they removed the oxygen and IVs, we waited for something dramatic to happen. Thought she would immediately go into cardiac arrest. According to several nurses, the end wasn’t always pleasant. But nothing happened. The nurses asked if we wanted them to give her some pain medicine and we declined. She had been in severe pain for years and that was the first time we had seen her at complete peace. They told us to let them know if she became uncomfortable or began to moan and they would give her something. Again, nothing happened. She just appeared to be asleep. Which is how she said she wanted to die. She told us she had prayed and asked God to let her die in her sleep. And she did.

From around 2 PM until a little after 9 PM, we sat with her as her numbers slowly decreased. We took turns holding her hands and rubbing her forehead until they became cold and grayish. We didn’t immediately call the nurse in after we knew she was gone. We just sat there in silence.

Our momma…

Dorothy Ree, we miss you!

Didn’t realize it last year, but on this day 10 years ago (May 9, 2014), we were preparing for Momma’s graduation. On May 10, 2014, after numerous attempts (started in 1976) she finally received her bachelor’s degree.

We have all been dreading this day. Been grieving for a whole year. Some days have been better than others. For me, last night was really rough. The tears just kept flowing, as they are now. I’m not bawling but the tears just seem to be flowing from nowhere.

Think I will end here. I may or may not share a second post today, or I might share several. I’m just going to go with the flow.

Thanks for allowing me to share.♥️

Love you,

Shaun

Life

Hello Sunday

Shaun Bradford

Today’s Hello Sunday is dedicated to my mother. Still can’t believe she’s gone.

After Momma passed, I found a letter she had written to us, her children. That’s what she had written on the envelope, “Children.” It was sealed with an address label from where she lived decades ago. I did not read it then. Decided to wait and open it when all of us were together. When I tell you I felt like I was in a movie! I had been through her things many, many times before and had not seen the letter until I was about to leave town to go help my siblings make her final arrangements. When I tell you the suspense was killing me!

As soon as our last sister arrived–took her hours to get there–we read the letter. It began with, “If you are reading this letter, it means that the inevitable has happened.” Y’all, we laughed. Only she could make something so serious sound like we were on a crime show.

Well, the letter was very direct. She did not sugarcoat anything. She told us about her life as an adult and her desire to be a great mom. Some things she knew she got right while others she really struggled with because she had us at a very young age. (Note– While she was still coherent, we did tell her that she was a great mom and how much we loved and appreciated everything she had done for us.) One of the things that surprised us was the fact that she had been very ill for a long time. None of us knew this. The reason she had written the letter was because she did not believe she had much longer to live. Now, this was written three years post paraplegia. Listen… I’m here to testify and tell you she lived another 21 years! Y’all, the letter was dated September 18, 2001.

When I tell you God is so good and merciful. There’s nothing like His love and grace. It just goes to show you that we cannot put a time limit on life nor can we give up. We may feel down today and believe this just has to be the end of the road; then, end up living decades more.

Today, I am going to let Dorothy have her final say. Below is a copy of one of her newsletters from The Encourager. I tried to find one from May; however, the closest I could find was from April 2003. While reading it, I could see her in her words written about not being able to walk or see well. That was her. She was describing herself.

Be encouraged. God’s got you!♥️

Thanks for reading. Wishing you a wonderful week!

Shaun

Life

To Cry or Not

Shaun Bradford

Delirium or dementia or both? We saw it coming, even before she suffered her stroke in August. We noticed the subtle changes but dismissed them; assumed she was just getting old and cranky. Honestly, we thought her mood swings and accusations were quite comical and rolled with them.

During her first hospital stay last fall, we asked the doctor to take her off certain pain medications to stop the delusions. Afterwards, her mental state briefly improved but never returned to normal. In between delusional episodes, we would tell her about her irrational behaviors. She laughed about some while remaining convinced others were still true. Like the time she believed she was hospitalized with dogs. She said at night the ICU became a veterinary. We could not convince her that dogs were not being treated in the ICU. There were also things she accused her nurses and aides of doing that we know were not true. Remember, I stayed with her day and night over a two month period. This was the reason I could not leave her at the hospital alone. She was not all there. Well, over the last several months her mental state and behaviors have only declined.

This most recent bout of delusions has lasted several days, now, and is only getting worse. I had decided I would stay here at the hospital until her mental state improved. Sadly, I’m no longer sure when or if that will happen. I have been trying to roll with it by trying different techniques to keep her calm and cooperative, especially with the nurses. Unfortunately, I have to leave her in a few hours. Don’t want to but I have things I need to do. Plus, I miss my own little family. Right now she’s yelling for me to take my knee off her hand and I am sitting here on the sofa writing this blog. Yeah… it’s a lot. Praying that God protects and surrounds her with a gentle and caring nursing team while I’m gone, or until she can get proper care.

On a positive note, every invisible person she’s spoken to she’s told them the same story– “I was paralyzed for 39 years [actually 24 years] and I just started walking three days ago.” So, she is walking again. How cool is that! The mind is absolutely amazing.

Yesterday she met Keenen Ivory Wayans (not really). She told him about all of her favorite episodes of “In Living Color,” and her favorite character, Fire Marshall Bill. Before they parted ways, she told him her story about being paralyzed for 39 years and recently walking again. She ended with, “It feels so good to walk again.”

Since she’s been in this state, she has not been in any pain, which is a good thing. No pain. No pain meds. Just delusions. Some good. Some bad. I pray that God gives her peace.

Life…

♥️Momma♥️

Life

Momma, You Are Loved

Shaun Bradford

Today’s blog is dedicated to my momma. She was admitted to the hospital again last night. I believe this is her third time this month. It’s really a lot.

Yesterday I video chatted with her around 5:30 PM. She was admitted around 11:30 PM.

About 30 minutes before my sister called, I shared a post by Iyanla Vanzant about grief. Seems like I have been grieving for a while now. Some days are just better than others.

I love my mom. We all do. I also believe she finally knows without a doubt that she is loved.♥️

Momma