Last Wednesday I was wondering what I would call my Wednesday blogs and finally decided to keep it simple, Wednesday. Hopefully I’ll actually have something to blog about on Wednesdays.
Anyhoo.. this Wednesday’s blog is another Facebook memory. This one is from a year ago, April 14, 2020. Last year around this time, I was contemplating resigning but was too afraid. Well, here I am a year later living unafraid. God is good.
Last year I posted a list of most common regrets. Not sure who wrote them, but they really resonated with me. Here’s the list:
Too much time spent stressing and worrying.
Caring too much about others opinions.
Not taking risks that might result in a grand reward.
Too little time with loved ones.
Too much living life to please others.
Not enough living in the present moment.
Not letting go of past anger and resentment.
Not enough play, laughter, joy, or happiness.
Too little time expressing genuine emotions.
“Not saying how I really feel.”
“Not following my heart.”
Here’s the caption I wrote:
“My goal is to live life without regrets. At least not focus on missed opportunities, or as I always say, what should’ve or could’ve happened. The quickest way to become down and depressed is to constantly think about how things could’ve been if only you had made other decisions. Starting today, let’s begin again – living without regrets.”
Today, I can happily say I’m living without regrets. Again, God is so good. Y’all already know I’m tearing up. Honestly, I never imagined I could feel like this. Last year on my birthday, my wish was to always feel like I felt that day– loved and carefree. Y’all, I’m living it! I’m blessed.
I pray that you have a wonderful Wednesday. See you on Sunday!
Today’s Hello Sunday is based on a random thought. Have you ever felt the need to explain your decisions or beliefs to others without being prompted? Not sure why I asked because I already know you have. All of us have. Like when you tell someone you can’t do something you follow it with “because xyz.” Or you make a decision (good or bad) and feel compelled to provide more details– “I’ve decided to do this because xyz.” Or you explain why you like or dislike something without being prompted– “Girl, I like/dislike xyz because…” Y’all, do we really need to explain ourselves? Are we doing it so that we’re perceived favorably, or so others feel more comfortable with what we do or say?
For me, it’s a little bit of both. When it’s something that directly affects other people, I often feel the need to provide more details because I want them to know there was thought behind my decision(s). On the other hand, I also find myself further explaining my own decisions to include my likes and dislikes, which only affect me. Umm… but why?
Y’all, I just had an “AHA” moment!
It’s the fear of being judged. That’s it! It’s that– “What are their thoughts of me now?” “Do they think I’m considerate or inconsiderate?” “Do they think I’m focused or weird?” I guess, at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter how many details you or I provide, it’s about how the other person perceives or interprets the message. Period.
Well, problem solved! Only provide more information at your discretion, not because you feel you must.
Me unnecessarily providing more information after I’ve just written not to do so. UGH!! It’s after 5:00 a.m. my time and I’m so sleepy. You see, I fell asleep around 8:00 p.m. last night and woke up a little after midnight. So, I’m going to publish this blog and go to sleep. As always, thanks for reading my ramblings.
Smiling as I write because first of all, I’m actually a mother; and secondly, I’m a mother of a 26 year old queen. How? When? On most days, I still feel like I’m in my 20s.
So, around this time (6 a.m.) 26 years ago, I was trying to rest but couldn’t get comfortable. I was having contractions but they were only 7-10 minutes apart. The night before I had called my friend Sue, my unofficial birthing partner, to prepare her for what was next. Then, I called my other friend, Trina, who was the only one with a child and “experienced” in childbirth, to give her a heads up. Trina also lived across the street from the hospital so I had somewhere I could chill before checking into the hospital. I remember her saying not to have the baby until she got off work. Like I actually had control over when the baby would come. Y’all, we were so young and naive.
Well, around 2:00 p.m. my contractions were about 3-5 minutes apart. I’m just going to let y’all know, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing! I was following instructions I heard tv doctors give their pregnant patients, “Wait until the contractions are 2-3 minutes apart, then go to the hospital.” Y’all, I hadn’t called a doctor at all! The last time I called the doctor’s office was when I lost my mucus plug and that was days before. However, I did call Sue, who lived 30 minutes away in Ft. Walton Beach.
When she got to my house we grabbed my bag and headed… not to the hospital… but to Trina’s house. According to wonderful doctors like Heathcliff Huxtable, I needed to wait until the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart before heading to the hospital. So I was going to wait. By the time I arrived at Trina’s, I was so hungry. Hadn’t eaten anything all day because I heard some women used the bathroom while giving birth and that was the LAST thing I wanted to do. You see, my obstetrician was FINE!! Whew!! He had muscles everywhere! The last thing I wanted to do was use the bathroom while giving birth. But y’all, I was so hungry. First, I ate a bowl of ramen noodles. Then, I ate a little bit of every sugar-sweetened cereal she had in the house. Honestly, I don’t believe I knew what I was doing. I was in pain. I was trying to wait for the right moment to go to the hospital. Y’all, I was scared. All I knew to do was eat.
Anyway, once the contractions became unbearable, I went to the hospital and checked into labor and delivery. When I got there, I attempted to explained to the nurse that I was in labor. I don’t know what was going on that day but I remember her snapping at me and saying if I wasn’t dilated 4 cm they were going to send me home. That’s all she said and left me standing there. I guess the people in the waiting room felt sorry for me because they were the ones who got me a wheelchair and talked to me until Sue came up (she was parking the car). Everything that happened afterwards happened really fast. When the nurse checked me, I was more than 4 cm dilated. That’s when she actually tried to help. In hindsight, I guess I didn’t appear to be in labor. Like that’s a real thing. Believe me, the contractions were coming and I was in so much pain. But the cramps I endured during my menstrual cycles were far worse. So I just did what I did whenever I cramped, I beared it. I never once screamed or got out of character. I just took it.
Less than 3 hours later my baby was born. And no, I didn’t use the bathroom while having her. Lol. Another crazy thing happened afterwards. Sue asked me if the nurses were playing some kind of joke (told you we were young). Our wristbands had another mother’s name on them. Y’all, we had on the wrong wristbands! Talk about CRAZY!! I’m so happy we got that cleared up or I would have brought home someone else’s baby.
So that was 26 years ago. Today, I’m happy to report that the last 26 years have been just as adventurous, if not more. I have truly enjoyed motherhood. It’s been an honor watching KiSondrea become the woman she is today. I pray that today, and everyday forward, is just as wonderful and adventurous as the day of her birth.
I’ve had some good days I’ve had some hills to climb I’ve had some weary days And some sleepless nights But when I look around And I think things over All of my good days Outweigh my bad days I won’t complain
Sometimes the clouds are low I can hardly see the road I ask a question, Lord Lord, why so much pain? But He knows what’s best for me Although my weary eyes They can’t see So I’ll just say thank You, Lord I won’t complain
The Lord as been so good to me He’s been good to me More than this whole world or you could ever be He’s been so good to me He dried all of my tears away Turned my midnights into day So I’ll just say thank you, Lord
I’ve been lied on But thank You, Lord I’ve been talked about But thank You, Lord I’ve been misunderstood But thank You Lord You might be sick Body reeking with pain But thank You, Lord The bills are due Don’t know where the money coming from But thank You, Lord Thank You, Lord Thank You, Lord
God has been so good to me He’s been good to me More than this whole world or you could ever be He’s been so good He’s been so good He’s been so good So good So good So good So good To me
He dried all of my tears away Turned my midnight into day So I’ll say thank you Lord I won’t complain
Today’s one of those days that I just don’t feel like writing. Honestly, I’m tired. I’m emotionally and mentally drained. The events that took place on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol did a number on me. I anticipated a few fights, maybe some vandalism of local businesses, but I was not prepared for the rest. What happened hurt my heart and soul. It wasn’t only the insurrection that took place, but the brutal reality that racial inequality still plagues our nation and people still seem oblivious to it. How can they still not notice? It was on display for the whole world to see. Never would a peaceful protest by Black people (yeah- I’m ONLY focusing on Black people) been met with such niceties and respect. From here on, I have nothing for those who choose to ignore the racial inequalities and inequities in our country. Nothing! I will no longer waste my time and energy trying to get people (Whites and Blacks– because there are a few) to understand the injustices Black people face on a daily basis. I’m done!
As you can see, I’m pretty emotional and hurt right now, so I’m going to end this. Yeah, today isn’t a good day for writing. Today I plan to disengage from social media and surround myself with positive vibes and love on my kids. I’m remaining hopeful that most people want change.
Next Sunday will be better. Please enjoy your day!
Yes… What a year! Listen, I have to confess, I had the idea of reblogging last year’s end of the year blog and adding an overcomer’s intro– “This is where I was but God brought me out!” Sorry to disappoint or save you– it’s not going to happen. This time last year, I was really down and depressed. Had good reasons to be, but WOW! I had no idea I was that far gone. With that said, I will acknowledge that was where I was; however, I am so grateful I am no longer there. This year I am going to end things on a high note, you know, just in case I decide to reblog it next year. Gotta be intentional. Lol! Here we go:
First, and utmost importantly, I would like to thank God for all of His wonderful blessings. I cannot lie, He has been so good to me! Instead of giving a detailed review about everything He’s done, I will only highlight some of the key moments-
March 2020 – Purchased my home. May 2020 – Decided to make my blogs public. June 2020 – Turned 47 and decided to be my true, authentic self. August 2020 – Invited to be a contributing author in a book anthology. September 2020 – Became the Principal Investigator on one of my research projects. October 2020 – Did my first live interview promoting myself. It was for the book, but it was all about me. November 2020 – Did another presentation for the same company that left me feeling inadequate for two years. (That was major! Had to face that bull head on.) December 2020 – Decided to live my life to its fullest! No regret!!
Needless to say, I don’t know what 2021 holds. None of us do. However, I will say I’m entering 2021 with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart, expecting to receive more blessings than hurts. Yeah, I’m entering 2021 knowing that whatever comes and whatever goes, God’s got me. That he will NEVER leave me.
Before I end, I wanted to share this with you. It’s a little off topic, but, for me, it is so timely. Wanted to write it here in case I don’t get around to adding it to A Research Diva’s Journey. Again, being intentional. So, I’m reading this book about the United Nations, “The Case for Humanity: An Extraordinary Session” by Yasmine Sherif. It’s about the underlying founding principles of the United Nations – vision, hope, peace, love, and humanity – everything I’m passionate about. Y’all, it is so important that we do not allow negativity to obscure our vision for the future. Listen, no matter how dismal things may appear, please embrace the positive and hold on to hope. In the words of the great Reverend Jesse Jackson, “Keep hope alive!”
That’s all I have for you today. Going to end with a quote from the book.
“It always seems impossible until it’s done. There is no passion found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” Nelson Mandela
My word for 2021 is “Live!” Can’t you hear Tim McGraw singing, “Live like you were dying.” I can.
