Still celebrating Year50. Honestly, this celebration has not been all cute and exciting. It’s actually been full of soul searching moments that have required me to make a lot of changes. Y’all, I have had to make choices that hurt like hell. Crying now! However, I know it’s all for the best. I must believe that the sacrifices I make today will yield a greater reward later. And not in heaven but here on earth. Had to throw that in because I want to enjoy my rewards hereon earthjust like everyone else.
Y’all, I cannot stress it enough, I am dead serious about not taking everything that weighed me down into this next part of my life. I owe it to the 5 year old Princess to become the 50 year old Queen. I will no longer accept any and everything that’s thrown my way, including the trash I have been throwing myself. Yeah.. I have been a pretty crappy hostess. Going forward, I must treat myself with the dignity and respect that I deserve. I am worth it!!
Anyhoo… Cheers to Year 50! Two months in, ten to go. I’m not going to lie, I’m not sure how much more of these negative revelations about myself that I can handle. I know I need to address them but WHEW!!! When I tell y’all these last two months have been rough.
This is an humbling moment for me. There’s nothing worse than being stuck in the past and not being able to move forward.
I chose the word humble because it is what I am feeling at the moment. I feel like it is time to step down from this pedestal of internal self righteousness (yeah.. it’s a mind thing) and personally own up to what has been preventing me from fully moving forward. I owe it to myself to do so.
Today, I’m going to share something that I have never shared before nor ever wanted to admit. Y’all, I am at a point in life… year 50… where I am so serious about healing so that I can move forward and freely receive all God has for me. I’m going to try to make this short.
This morning I read my journal entry from this date last year, August 22, 2022. In that entry, I referenced something that had happened several years earlier. Just reading it had me reminiscing about how I felt at that moment, which was seen and appreciated. Up until that incident, I felt small and insignificant. Personally my life sucked. I always put on a good face, but I was pretty down. At that time, I was going through the divorce and the only things that kept me going were my faith in God, the love from my two and social media. The crazy part was my professional life was taking off. Y’all, life was weird.
Anyhoo… Although I was doing well professionally, I hated being in the spotlight. I loved operating under the radar, working behind the scenes and not being noticed. Well, one day all of that changed in the blink of an eye. Literally! When it happened I was elated; however, at the same time I panicked. Honestly, it all happened so fast that I really didn’t know what to feel. I remember feeling ashamed for panicking because what had happened to me was what everyone else longed for. They wanted to be seen. They wanted to be recognized. And there I was wondering how I should respond. Couldn’t enjoy the moment because I was all in my head.
I wish I could say that my life remained the same, but it didn’t. After I realized the magnitude of what had happened… because everyone made sure I knew it was a big deal… I attempted to embrace it the best way that I could. Little did I know that I would begin to lose myself for the second time in a few years.Soon I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was like I became what everyone thought I should be.Before, I was just me doing what I loved doing, supporting what I loved.♥️ Afterwards… I’m not really sure who I became.
Y’all, this is so hard to admit, but I know I have to get it out or I will remain stuck in the past.
Recently, I found myself reverting back to what was. It wasn’t something that I was even aware that I was doing until I woke up one morning and that particular thing was the first thing on my mind. Y’all, I had to check myself real quick. I couldn’t go back. I had worked too hard to find myself again. Then, this morning happened. After reading that journal entry and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, I wanted to go back. You know, just to revisit. Before I could do it, I was reminded of the story in the Bible about Lot’s wife looking back and turning into a pillar of salt. Maybe she was just like me. She longed for the comfort of what was. It may not have been what was best for her, but it felt familiar and safe. She knew what to expect and what not to expect. It was home.
Now, here I am moving forward into the unknown. Y’all, at this age things are pretty scary. So much of my life is behind me. I see the 30 and 40 year olds doing their thing. I often wonder what life will be like for me as I move on. Will I ever feel that special again? Will my life ever be as exciting as it was? Because y’all, I am not going to lie, life was pretty exciting… until it wasn’t exciting anymore. Sighing
Well, I guess I can say that after this release I have entered yet another level of freedom. And to think I thought I had released everything before I turned 50. Shaking my head. How many more levels do I have to go before I am actually free?! Laughing
You cannot start, skip the middle (the process), and go straight to the end. Nothing in life happens this way.
Short story…
When I was a teen, I wanted to play the piccolo. My sister and one of the girls at church played the flute. Well, I did not want to be like them (always had to be difficult different). I wanted to play the piccolo. Everyone I asked about how I should get started said that I would have to learn to play the flute first. Y’all, I wasn’t even in band or interested in playing other instruments, but I was drawn to the piccolo. I believe it was because it was so tiny and cute. I’m a sucker for tiny, cute things. Well, starting with the flute was not going to happen so I never played the piccolo. One day I’m just going to buy one and teach myself to play. That’s what YouTube is for, right? Laughing
Anyhoo… this is how my life has been since as far back as I can remember. I want what I want and I want it how I want it. Don’t judge me. Over time I have gotten better. Listen, I hate all of the in between stuff. I say I love watching God work (the progression) in my life; however, sometimes I feel He can skip a few steps. Y’all, my patience for getting from points A to Z is very short. Not sure if it’s my attention span (because I swear I have ADHD), or if I am just impatient. Either way… at 50 years old… I am finally completely submitting to God’s plan (I might get sidetracked every now and then– Lol) and following all of His steps. If I want XYZ, I have to go through the entire process. Y’all, I have to stop being so stubborn. Ugh!
My mantra for this current season is “I am submitting and committing to the process.”
I used to believe people who only shared their successes instead of their failures were frauds. I now realize that is not necessarily the case. There’s a time, place and audience for everything. Knowing when, where and what to share is vital, even when it comes to sharing successes. Yes, I am finally realizing that good news isn’t always acceptable for some.
It’s Shaun’s World 
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