Today I would like to share some of my thoughts and feelings about where I’m at in this stage of life. Basically, I just need to write.
This morning I came across another Facebook memory I shared two years ago. Here’s the quote:
Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.Author Unknown
Back then I was like, “Yeah! I’m not waiting for nothing or no one. I’m living my best life now!” Fast forward to today, this quote has me feeling some kind of way. Let me explain.
For a while now.. I guess you can say for months now.. I’ve been second and triple guessing my feelings. Even after a few sessions of therapy, my therapist says I’m fine. So why don’t I feel fine?
Here’s what I’m feeling or have been feeling, and as strange as it may sound it kind of frightens me – calm, peaceful, relaxed, happy, and loved. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of and it frightens me. Sounds strange, doesn’t it? Like why does it frighten me so?
Okay.. back to the quote. When I shared it two years ago, I remember feeling like I really needed to enjoy the space I was in, needed to be more present. I remember constantly waiting for things to happen or trying to make things happen. I spent so much time doing both that I was only living my life in spurts and was always anxious. Now here I am two years later, very present and living in the moment, living the dream.
So why am I so perplexed about where I am in life?
Well, since I was a teenager I have always said, and lived by this – “After I turn 50, I’m going to live my dream.” You see, the first 50 years were supposed to be my test and trial period. My period to make mistakes as well as make the amount of money needed to support and sustain my lifestyle for the next 50 years. And the next 50 were to be spent doing what I actually loved, which kind resembles what I’m doing now but without the millions of dollars I imagined. Yep.. I’ve had it all planned out for decades. Yeah.. planned. I have to laugh because according to my plan and timeline, I’m supposed to be working my butt off trying to figure out how I’m going to live and sustain my dream and I’m here living nonchalantly like 50 isn’t fast approaching. Guess you could say I’m still in the test and trial period so why am I worried. Well, I’ll be 49 this year and time is running out!
Side Note – As I was writing, God reminded me of what I asked for. Last March, as I was sitting at my desk working my butt off, I looked out the window and saw this bird singing. At that moment, I told God I wanted to live as free as a bird, and as clear as day He told me I could. Three weeks later I resigned from my job. Ever since I’ve been living this carefree, basically, euphoric life. He gave me exactly what I asked for but for some reason I keep trying to find fault in it. Maybe, I don’t have to work my butt off trying to figure out how I’m going to support my dream. Maybe all I need to do is leave it in God’s hands while enjoy life.
Note – After I write this blog, I’m going to leave this matter alone because I get the feeling that I’m disrespecting God’s gift every time I bring this up.
Y’all, I’m feeling much better now that I got that all out. Life is really good. Just had another “Aha!” moment. Have I been subconsciously searching for ways to self-sabotage my dream? Would I do that to myself? Hmm.. Something to really think about.
Anyhoo.. thanks for reading and following my random thoughts. Sometimes I just need to get it all out into the universe. I’m so grateful for this space. God is so amazing!
Wishing you an amazing week!