Character: the mental or moral qualities distinctive to an individual
Over the past week, or anytime something major happens, and I do not respond or react the way others do, I begin to question myself. Like– Am I not normal? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I not visibly outraged like everyone else? I care. I feel. I am angry. I am disgusted and disappointed and frustrated. I am all of these things. Yet, people may never know it because I do not show it. Why? Hmm… It finally dawned on me that I am not that person. That is not who I am. So why force myself to respond like others if it does not come naturally. Y’all, it is not my character.
I can think of so many incidents throughout my life where people have told me how they would have reacted differently to the same situations. For example– just because I feel like writing– when I was in my early twenties, I had gotten off work early and stopped by my boyfriends place to surprise him. Little did I know, I was the one in for a surprise. I found him in bed with another girl. I stood beside the bed and causally asked them a few questions, like- “What are y’all doing?” “Why didn’t you lock the door?” You know, questions anyone would ask. After receiving my answers, I sat down and waited for her to leave. Y’all, I remember this big brass lamp being on the nightstand. For a second, I considered bashing his head in. Yep… I could visualize the entire scene. However, I chose to remain calm. Even our conversation afterwards was calm. He kept saying things like, “I know you want to hit me,” and “Just let me have it!” If “Boy, bye” was a phrase back then, I would have definitely used it. Every time I tell someone this story, they tell me that they would have responded differently. Most say they would have fought him and the girl. But why?? Was I hurt? YES!! I thought I was in love with him. But, the consequences that would have resulted from that moment of gratification, would have been costly.
Now, have I ever acted out of character before? HA!! Of course! When I was ACTING! Whenever I have to give people what they expect, it is called acting. And y’all, I hate acting. Whenever I have to cuss to get my point across, that.. my friend.. is acting. You see, whenever I am hurt or angry, I become very quiet. I do not say much. I just act. Y’all, this is my character.
I decided to write this because it is something that has been weighing on me for a while, even before George Floyd’s murder. As I said, after something major happens, whether national or personal, my response is always a little different from others. Hence, the reason I always refer to myself as being unique or quirky. The way I react or respond may not be what is typically expected. Y’all, I was going through a crazy divorce for over four years and I rarely said a word about it or spoke badly about my ex. There were so many things I could have said or done, but chose not to. Shoot.. I can barely cuss when writing, because again, it is justnot in me.
Today, I am so grateful for those who choose to accept me for who I am. Those who understand and respect my true (not the act) character, as I do theirs. From this day forward, I will no longer question myself based on how others think I should react or respond. Y’all, people will have you angry with yourself only to come around and agree with you later. Honestly, in the end, the only opinion that matters is God’s.
Sometimes I re-read past journal entries just to see what was happening on this day a year ago, to several years ago. This time I revisited June 5, 2015. Here is an excerpt from that entry–
“Thanking God for soooo many blessing. Thanking God for allowing the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf. Lord when it seems like I just can’t, or don’t believe, You step in.”
What a reminder! I am so thankful that even when I am confused or frustrated.. as I have been these past few days.. the Holy Spirit always intercedes on my behalf. So grateful for my relationship with God.
Since I am up thinking about it, I might as well write about it.
The other day I wrote about trust. I admitted that trust was my biggest issue and that trust in romantic relationships was probably the worst. Well, last night on Tyler Perry’s If Loving You Is Wrong, one of the characters, Natalie, was dealing with the same exact issue– trust. You see, Natalie and Lushion (her fiancé) have been together for several years now, and she still does not trust him. During last night’s episode, she allowed someone to put doubt in her mind about Lushion’s faithfulness. Instead of remaining calm, and thinking things through, she allowed doubt and fear get the best of her. Which caused her to make a few irrational decisions. I know that was only a show, but things like that happens in real life, every day!
Then, this morning, as I was laying in bed, I kept replaying the scenes over and over in my head. For those who know me, know I love to tweet during my shows. Well, last night I was tweeting things like, “Natalie, trust your man!” and “Trust Lushion!!” Which is so ironic because I have trust issues, too. Hilarious! It is funny how it is easier to give advice to others, but so difficult to follow that same advice.
When I think about it, my trust issues began long before I was in a relationship. It began while watching other women in relationships– my mom, stepmom, grandma, aunts and family friends. As a child, I watched their relationships like I was watching a good soap opera. Basically, I was all up in their business. You know the phrase, “stay out of grown folks business”? Well, I believe it was coined just for me. I was ALWAYS up in somebody’s business. I used to watch how the women would light up when their significant others would do something special for them. Unfortunately for most, it never lasted long. Eventually, I saw them down, and sometimes depressed. You know… whenever he looked at someone else or stopped calling or visiting. During that time, I also witnessed a lot of abuse. So when I decided I was ready to give love a try, I proceeded with caution.
The first guy I seriously considered dating was this guy in my church. Back then, he was dating almost every girl in the church. So when he finally became interested in me, I was reluctant to take the bait. So reluctant that while I was contemplating giving him a chance, he got with another girl. Talk about heartbreaking. But in the end it was all for the best. Let’s just say, I dodged a major bullet. He had a lot of issues.
Side note: Here is a prayer I used to pray: “Lord, if it is not for me, please do not give it to me. I do not care how much I beg and plead, do not give it to me. And let me be okay with it.”
Well, God always kept His end of the deal. However, I overrode His warnings so many times. Look, I will admit, sometimes I just want what I want. I will ignore the warnings and go after whatever it is. Yes.. that’s me– Shaun. With that said, I am finally learning to listen to and wait on God. Y’all, I am so grateful for His mercy and grace.
As usual, I got sidetracked. Ugh! Trust. I have only been in four relationships. The first three left me wondering what was wrong with me. Why did they choose someone else? My first boyfriend went back to his ex. My second boyfriend married his ex. But then again, I am not sure if they ever really broke up. Guess I was always the side chick. The third… now that was just a bad decision all together. So many lies. But you know what, I cannot be mad. Again, I dodged all kinds of bullets by them leaving me. Today, none of them are with the person they left me for. All I have to say is, God is so good! Of course I was hurt at the time, but looking back, and now seeing how things turned out in their lives, I am so grateful God removed them from my life.
Now the fourth relationship was with my ex-husband. As I have written many times before, he was the rebound guy. He was the total opposite of the others. I was not in love with him. I saw him as the safe guy. My thought was, if I get with him, I will never be hurt. That was a lie. During our first year of marriage, I went out of town for a week only to return home to several calls from a number I did not recognize. As I scrolled through the caller ID (we had house phones back then) I noticed that several calls were received around 2 and 3 a.m. I was like, “I know this is not happening again!” Unlike with the other guys, I confronted him. I asked who was calling him that early in the morning. He said it was the wrong number. I was like, “Really?? Several times?!” So I called the number and his little friend picked up. The first thing I did was ask for her name. Of course she gave me some bogus name. But I already knew who she was. You see, he had been talking about her a few weeks earlier. Crazy, huh!! Well, the joke was on me. The safe guy was not so safe after all. Lol! Unfortunately, I was around five months pregnant and decided to stay. I mean, what were my chances of finding someone who would want to be in a relationship with someone with two kids (my daughter was 8 at the time). A few years ago, he told me that he got me pregnant on purpose because he did not want me to leave him. Wow!
Today, I am looking for a person without any red flags. I know, I am probably not being realistic. However, I am looking for someone who is God-fearing, honest, dependable, trustworthy, and loves me and only me. HA!! Sounds like a want ad– BUT it’s not. And of course I have to love him, too. Y’all, I am just too old for infatuation or lust, so it has to be real love. (Can’t y’all hear Mary J. Blige singing Real Love. I can. Lol!)
Anyhoo.. this was much longer than I expected. Probably going to delete a few things before I publish it. Or perhaps I should publish it as written. I believe the unedited versions are always better. Enjoy your day!
Decided to start my day early. I can finally hear birds chirping. I also hear cars driving in the distance. However, things are pretty still and quiet in my house. Well, besides the hum of the refrigerator. You know what… I think I will sit here for a few more minutes and just be. Yeah.. just BE.
I could not end this week without testifying about all of my wonderful experiences this week. Smiling as I reminisce. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a movie or I’m living someone else’s life. Then I remember, no, this is definitely my life. Shaun, this is what joy feels like.
Y’all, I wish I could describe the feeling. I would use the word euphoric, but it just sounds so druggish. Reminds me of how Lynn (a character on my new favorite show, Tyler Perry’s Ruthless) feels every time she thinks about that compound. You have to watch the show to understand. Lol. The only difference is, hers was drug induced. However, mine.. HA!.. my joy comes from THE Highest, THE All Powerful, THE ALL Mighty GOD!!! NOTHING compares to my God. Whew!! Let me walk you through my week. Bae-bé, I don’t need no drugs or alcohol to get me high, never have. God has ALWAYS done it for me!
Caution: You may not see joy in any of the experiences I’m about to share. My joy is tailored just for me, as with your own. Enjoy!
Okay… It all began last Sunday. Sunday was Mother’s Day. I took my mom her gifts and hung out with her for a while. Something I have not been able to do since this COVID-19 pandemic. Kept my mask on. Couldn’t hug her. But I was able to visit. Which was a big deal. You see, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do any of this had she been in the hospital. For two years (2018 & 2019), my mom was in the hospital on Mother’s Day. And even when I visited her Sunday, she had a high fever that wouldn’t break. However, she was awake, talkative, and absolutely beautiful. She asked that we not get too close to her for fear of us getting sick. She had decided that if she had anything she was going to ride it out at home. She’s our warrior queen. God still has plans for her. Y’all, I love my momma.
Afterwards, I came home. Disinfected myself. Lol. Then got ready for my gifts, my son and daughter. My daughter brought over homemade quiche, bacon, and freshly cut fruit. A tradition she started years ago. I was ready! As I ate breakfast, we had one of our long, comical family conversations. I really enjoy talking to them. For me, it’s more than listening to their perspectives on life. It’s seeing the expressions on their faces when they talk. It’s their mannerism. It’s their passion. I take all of it in. As I have said countless times, I still cannot believe I’m a mother. Tearing up just thinking about it. Y’all, God chose me, of all people, to raise these two. I am so blessed.
After my daughter left, I decided to watch Michelle Obama’s Becoming on Netflix. Found out Mrs. Obama had a tweet party the day before. I was so disappointed that I had missed it, but then I remembered that everything happens for a reason. Watching it on Sunday was better because I was able to focus on the show instead of reading tweets and tweeting. I needed that calm, me-time, to take it all in. I have always admired our forever First Lady. Always been fascinated by her strength and tenacity. She took blows and kept going. Talk about resilient! I always said that if I ever had an opportunity to have a conversation with her, I would ask how she endured the hard times. Lucky for me, and the rest of us, she wrote Becoming. I read it last year. Then saw her at Essence Festival. However, this documentary was little more special because it gave us her, the person behind the personae. I love transparency and that’s what I got.
Anyhoo.. I’m writing way more than I had planned. Bear with me. Lol!
Like I said, this is pretty long, but I’m on a roll now, can’t stop. Lol. Later that evening, I watched episodes 7 & 8 of Michael Jordan’s The Last Dance. Just the mention of the title makes me excited!! I lived through it. I was there. I experienced it first hand. I wrote about it in my journal. I have memorabilia. Y’all, this documentary has given me life! You can feel MJ’s passion in every play, in every win. He loved the game. He loved the competition. I feel that. I’m not very competitive; however, when I am passionate about something, watch out! That’s all I have to say.
After watching both documentaries, I was on an unbelievable high. Felt like I was floating on clouds. Like I said, I don’t need drugs to make me feel this way. I don’t need money to make me feel this way. It’s something embedded in me that explodes every time these experiences happen. I really can’t explain it. When I make posts on social media about how good God is, most of the time it’s about something God has revealed to me or has allowed me to experience. He’s just good like that. Often, I feel embarrassed after I have these outbursts of joy. To some, I may appear crazy or extra. What they don’t understand is, I’m on this natural high and it feels so good. That night, while looking for photos, I kept finding MJ memorabilia. I found old newspaper articles about The Last Dance. Then I found a Space Jam coin. When I decided to keep these things, I didn’t think that one day people would be talking about the game. I kept them for my own memories. So, as I discovered different things, I started posting pictures on social media. I felt like I had won millions. Again, God is so good. He makes me smile. He makes happy.
Then the rest of the week went down like this. Monday, a Facebook memory popped up of my daughter graduating from undergrad. Talk about emotional. Here we were three years later, and she was preparing to graduate again. Unbelievable! You see, I watched her struggle. I listened to her contemplate her next moves, law school or a master’s degree. All while, I kept reminding her that everything happens for a reason and that whatever happened would prepare her for what’s yet to come. Well, that was Monday.
Tuesday was probably just as extraordinary. Lol. I say this because that night I wrote in my journal that God was so good and that I would elaborate the next morning. Well, I never wrote anything else. So I have no clue of what I was referring to. Too funny! I wonder if that was the day I found out Tyler Perry’s shows, The Oval and Sistas, were renewed for a second season. It could have been that day or Wednesday, but it happened earlier this week. Like I said, it’s the small things that excite me. Both casts were so happy. And I was so happy for them. So that could have been it. Y’all, it really is the small things that have me all excited. Lol.
Wednesday, was the day before my nephew’s graduation ceremony. Yes, he also graduated this week with a master’s in Public Health. Well, while looking for pictures to share, I became frustrated because I couldn’t find two photo albums that held over 30+ years of pictures. I tore my house up looking for those albums. I’m not gonna lie, I had a meltdown. I couldn’t stop crying. That’s when my son decided to start helping me look for them. Now, he picked everything apart. I still have to clean up the mess he made. Unfortunately, I did not find them.. at that time. In the midst of my crying, I heard God say that I had to learn to let things go. That what I had at that moment, was all I needed. Whatever I lost, I had to be okay with losing. Y’all, I stopped crying. I cleaned my face. Ate dinner. Then watched my shows, The Oval and Ruthless. I tweeted so much that Twitter thought I was a robot. Like I said, when something excites me, watch out! Lol. Shoot, I was even tweeting from two accounts. The worst part about being shut down is, you can no longer interact with people. I couldn’t even discuss my shows. I was hurt. BUT. . . I did find my photo albums before I went to bed. I started cleaning up the mess I had made in my closet and decided to look in a storage bin I had already looked in. This time I took everything out and at the very bottom were the two albums and one I had forgotten about. The lesson I learned from that was, when you let go, God will pour out blessings you will never expect to receive. He will always give you more. Y’all, my God is sooo good. I can’t help but brag on Him!
Thursday we celebrated my nephew and my daughter. I made so many posts on social media. I am so proud of them. Well, Thursday was all about them. We had a Facebook Live watch party for my nephew’s graduation. Which was pretty awesome. People who wouldn’t have normally had the opportunity to attend his graduation, got to attend. It was wonderful seeing everyone interacting with each other. Even estranged family members attended. I guess you can say we had a virtual family reunion. So, that day was amazing.
Yesterday (Friday), was my daughter’s celebration. We usually go out to eat at Half Shell Oyster House (another tradition). However, due to COVID-19, we had to make a few changes. I ordered curbside service. Decorated my house to give it the perfect restaurant ambiance. Dimmed lights, tea light candles, jazz playing in the background and food plated like we were at the restaurant. Y’all, it wasn’t the best, but she enjoyed it. Her smile was all that mattered.
It’s Saturday morning. I’m still in bed. Not sure what today holds. What I do know is, God is good and he loves me. His love is unmatched. The joy He gives me is indescribable. Only He can make my heart flutter when I discover something new or see a smile on someone’s face. He is my joy.
As usual, please forgive any errors. Today, I’m releasing myself from the anxiety of perfection. It is what it is. Enjoy!
It’s Shaun’s World 
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