Y’all, let me tell you how MY God works! Listen! I am forever in awe of Him!!! When I tell y’all He loves me!
Okay… so I was just about to share an entirely different Hello Sunday. Had written about a few things that were on my mind. Nothing deep but some self-reflections I was having at the moment. Then, as I was finishing up, I was reminded of one of the gems I found in my Facebook memories this morning. Baby, when I tell you I immediately stopped writing! Here’s the gem I found. Didn’t know I would need this message so soon.
Facebook Memory: October 15, 2018
Good Morning! A friend shared this with me, so I’m sharing it with you. Everyone’s not in your corner. Some people can’t wait to see you fail. But God’s got you!
Discernment is so important, as well as listening to that still small voice.
Listen, I was definitely about to share a few of my weaknesses. As the song says, “God blocked it!” Whew!
Y’all, we really have to be careful about what we share and with whom. For years, I have freely shared my stories. I have had one crazily, adventurous life and I love sharing it. With this being said, there are certain parts that I only share with people I feel I can trust, or with those I believe would benefit from those experiences. I mean, other people’s experiences have helped me so why wouldn’t I use mine to help others. Well, I am finally learning to listen to that still small voice. When it says be quiet, I hush.
It wasn’t until recently that I finally realized that people will actually use your weaknesses against you. I know I sound naive but I honestly did not believe this to be true. I thought because I would never use someone’s weaknesses against them, they wouldn’t use mine against me. Again, I am learning.
That’s all for today. So glad God stopped me before I shared my other blog. Again, it wasn’t anything deep but something that did not need to be shared. At least, not at this moment. Wishing you a wonderful, peaceful day.
The other day while I was doing a little soul searching, I had one of my aha moments. My journey, my world, is an experience that is meant to be shared in real time. As I have said many times before, if I wanted transparency from others, I needed to be transparent myself. My tests and testimonies are meant to be shared now, daily; not in a book later.
Y’all, my life is not perfect. You’re surprised, right?! Laughing. Nope, it’s far from perfect. Here I am, 50 years old, and still do not have life figured out. Sometimes I feel like a twenty year old who believes they still have time to make mistakes until they figure out what works for them. Then there are other times when I feel like I need to buckle down and be serious about life. The latter usually happens after I see people with their stuff together.
Honestly… and I am being so transparent and serious right now… I cannot pinpoint exactly when my life changed. Most of my life I was so serious about what I wanted out of life and was adamant about getting it. Yes, there were setbacks, but I always bounced back with a force to be and do better. I had dreams and goals. Now it’s like my drive is gone. Seems like I spend most of my time chasing the drive rather than the dream. My momentum seems to come in spurts. Basically, I’m tired.That’s it! I’m tired. I’m tired of being in charge. I’m tired of making decisions. I’m tired of taking care of everybody and everything. I’m tired of chasing a forever moving target. I have been in charge of, taking care of, and making decisions for other people since I was around five years old (that’s as far back as I can remember having to do so) and I am straight tied (not tired).
One of my life long goals was to retire before age 50 and live out the rest of my life doing whatever I pleased. Well, I actually retired twelve years ago. While I was manifesting my retirement I should have been manifesting some good money to go along with the retirement. Just saying. Laughing.
I can’t lie, I am actually living in what I wanted, what I manifested (I’m telling you it’s real). So why am I 1) still trying to do things I really do not want to do and 2) not fully enjoying this time I have been blessed to have? Again, it’s like I am chasing a drive that’s no longer here instead of resting in God’s goodness as I should be.
I’ll figure things out sooner or later. I guess this is what Year50 is all about–figuring out how I truly want to live out the rest of my life. Will I continue trying to do things I have no desire to do (because it’s surely not working) or do what I really want to do?
Anyhoo… only time will tell. I pray y’all have a wonderful weekend. Love you!♥️
Still celebrating Year50. Honestly, this celebration has not been all cute and exciting. It’s actually been full of soul searching moments that have required me to make a lot of changes. Y’all, I have had to make choices that hurt like hell. Crying now! However, I know it’s all for the best. I must believe that the sacrifices I make today will yield a greater reward later. And not in heaven but here on earth. Had to throw that in because I want to enjoy my rewards hereon earthjust like everyone else.
Y’all, I cannot stress it enough, I am dead serious about not taking everything that weighed me down into this next part of my life. I owe it to the 5 year old Princess to become the 50 year old Queen. I will no longer accept any and everything that’s thrown my way, including the trash I have been throwing myself. Yeah.. I have been a pretty crappy hostess. Going forward, I must treat myself with the dignity and respect that I deserve. I am worth it!!
Anyhoo… Cheers to Year 50! Two months in, ten to go. I’m not going to lie, I’m not sure how much more of these negative revelations about myself that I can handle. I know I need to address them but WHEW!!! When I tell y’all these last two months have been rough.
This is an humbling moment for me. There’s nothing worse than being stuck in the past and not being able to move forward.
I chose the word humble because it is what I am feeling at the moment. I feel like it is time to step down from this pedestal of internal self righteousness (yeah.. it’s a mind thing) and personally own up to what has been preventing me from fully moving forward. I owe it to myself to do so.
Today, I’m going to share something that I have never shared before nor ever wanted to admit. Y’all, I am at a point in life… year 50… where I am so serious about healing so that I can move forward and freely receive all God has for me. I’m going to try to make this short.
This morning I read my journal entry from this date last year, August 22, 2022. In that entry, I referenced something that had happened several years earlier. Just reading it had me reminiscing about how I felt at that moment, which was seen and appreciated. Up until that incident, I felt small and insignificant. Personally my life sucked. I always put on a good face, but I was pretty down. At that time, I was going through the divorce and the only things that kept me going were my faith in God, the love from my two and social media. The crazy part was my professional life was taking off. Y’all, life was weird.
Anyhoo… Although I was doing well professionally, I hated being in the spotlight. I loved operating under the radar, working behind the scenes and not being noticed. Well, one day all of that changed in the blink of an eye. Literally! When it happened I was elated; however, at the same time I panicked. Honestly, it all happened so fast that I really didn’t know what to feel. I remember feeling ashamed for panicking because what had happened to me was what everyone else longed for. They wanted to be seen. They wanted to be recognized. And there I was wondering how I should respond. Couldn’t enjoy the moment because I was all in my head.
I wish I could say that my life remained the same, but it didn’t. After I realized the magnitude of what had happened… because everyone made sure I knew it was a big deal… I attempted to embrace it the best way that I could. Little did I know that I would begin to lose myself for the second time in a few years.Soon I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was like I became what everyone thought I should be.Before, I was just me doing what I loved doing, supporting what I loved.♥️ Afterwards… I’m not really sure who I became.
Y’all, this is so hard to admit, but I know I have to get it out or I will remain stuck in the past.
Recently, I found myself reverting back to what was. It wasn’t something that I was even aware that I was doing until I woke up one morning and that particular thing was the first thing on my mind. Y’all, I had to check myself real quick. I couldn’t go back. I had worked too hard to find myself again. Then, this morning happened. After reading that journal entry and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, I wanted to go back. You know, just to revisit. Before I could do it, I was reminded of the story in the Bible about Lot’s wife looking back and turning into a pillar of salt. Maybe she was just like me. She longed for the comfort of what was. It may not have been what was best for her, but it felt familiar and safe. She knew what to expect and what not to expect. It was home.
Now, here I am moving forward into the unknown. Y’all, at this age things are pretty scary. So much of my life is behind me. I see the 30 and 40 year olds doing their thing. I often wonder what life will be like for me as I move on. Will I ever feel that special again? Will my life ever be as exciting as it was? Because y’all, I am not going to lie, life was pretty exciting… until it wasn’t exciting anymore. Sighing
Well, I guess I can say that after this release I have entered yet another level of freedom. And to think I thought I had released everything before I turned 50. Shaking my head. How many more levels do I have to go before I am actually free?! Laughing
I used to believe people who only shared their successes instead of their failures were frauds. I now realize that is not necessarily the case. There’s a time, place and audience for everything. Knowing when, where and what to share is vital, even when it comes to sharing successes. Yes, I am finally realizing that good news isn’t always acceptable for some.
I’m not sure what’s going on with me waking up around 3:00/3:30 AM nowadays. Like, I’m wide awake. Then around 5:30/6:00 AM, I find myself falling back to sleep. At first it was annoying, but now I just start everything two hours earlier, then take a nap before officially getting up. Anyhoo…
After waking up with Marvin Winans’ song, Draw Me Close to You/Thy Will Be Done, playing over and over in my head, and much needed prayer time with God, I received my answers. I know what’s wrong. Not going to go into details because those revelations were just for me. Now that I understand what the problems are, I can deal with them. Now, how I choose to do it is totally up to me.
Here’s what I’ll call one of the “solutions” to the revelations. Listen, it had me shaking my head and smiling at the same time. Y’all God is so good. It’s an excerpt from one of my journal entries from this date. Debating whether or not to share the entire entry. Will let you know what I actually decided before I hit publish.
Shaun’s Journal Entry: August 4, 2014
So I’ve decided not to fight it any longer. I may as well give in and just let things be. No, I’m not happy, but as I’ve told others many times before, make yourself happy. So life has given me a barrel of lemons & grapefruit. Time to make sour punch (sounds gross huh?). Oh well…
God will work it out. Turn it over to Jesus, he will work it out! He can, he can, work it out. You won’t even have to touch it. Hallelujah!!
Although that entry was about something completely unrelated to what I am currently going through, I believe it was written for this very moment. Nine years ago, God already knew exactly what I would need to get through this time. So yes, I’m smiling and now tearing up. I needed those words of encouragement. I’m turning everything over to God. I won’t have to lift a finger or touch a thing. He will work it out. Amen
By the way, I shared the entire entry. All of it was relevant. I keep telling y’all God loves me. Smiling
Praying you have a blessed weekend. Thanks for reading. Love you!♥️
It’s Shaun’s World 
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