Still celebrating Year50. Honestly, this celebration has not been all cute and exciting. It’s actually been full of soul searching moments that have required me to make a lot of changes. Y’all, I have had to make choices that hurt like hell. Crying now! However, I know it’s all for the best. I must believe that the sacrifices I make today will yield a greater reward later. And not in heaven but here on earth. Had to throw that in because I want to enjoy my rewards hereon earthjust like everyone else.
Y’all, I cannot stress it enough, I am dead serious about not taking everything that weighed me down into this next part of my life. I owe it to the 5 year old Princess to become the 50 year old Queen. I will no longer accept any and everything that’s thrown my way, including the trash I have been throwing myself. Yeah.. I have been a pretty crappy hostess. Going forward, I must treat myself with the dignity and respect that I deserve. I am worth it!!
Anyhoo… Cheers to Year 50! Two months in, ten to go. I’m not going to lie, I’m not sure how much more of these negative revelations about myself that I can handle. I know I need to address them but WHEW!!! When I tell y’all these last two months have been rough.
This is an humbling moment for me. There’s nothing worse than being stuck in the past and not being able to move forward.
I chose the word humble because it is what I am feeling at the moment. I feel like it is time to step down from this pedestal of internal self righteousness (yeah.. it’s a mind thing) and personally own up to what has been preventing me from fully moving forward. I owe it to myself to do so.
Today, I’m going to share something that I have never shared before nor ever wanted to admit. Y’all, I am at a point in life… year 50… where I am so serious about healing so that I can move forward and freely receive all God has for me. I’m going to try to make this short.
This morning I read my journal entry from this date last year, August 22, 2022. In that entry, I referenced something that had happened several years earlier. Just reading it had me reminiscing about how I felt at that moment, which was seen and appreciated. Up until that incident, I felt small and insignificant. Personally my life sucked. I always put on a good face, but I was pretty down. At that time, I was going through the divorce and the only things that kept me going were my faith in God, the love from my two and social media. The crazy part was my professional life was taking off. Y’all, life was weird.
Anyhoo… Although I was doing well professionally, I hated being in the spotlight. I loved operating under the radar, working behind the scenes and not being noticed. Well, one day all of that changed in the blink of an eye. Literally! When it happened I was elated; however, at the same time I panicked. Honestly, it all happened so fast that I really didn’t know what to feel. I remember feeling ashamed for panicking because what had happened to me was what everyone else longed for. They wanted to be seen. They wanted to be recognized. And there I was wondering how I should respond. Couldn’t enjoy the moment because I was all in my head.
I wish I could say that my life remained the same, but it didn’t. After I realized the magnitude of what had happened… because everyone made sure I knew it was a big deal… I attempted to embrace it the best way that I could. Little did I know that I would begin to lose myself for the second time in a few years.Soon I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was like I became what everyone thought I should be.Before, I was just me doing what I loved doing, supporting what I loved.♥️ Afterwards… I’m not really sure who I became.
Y’all, this is so hard to admit, but I know I have to get it out or I will remain stuck in the past.
Recently, I found myself reverting back to what was. It wasn’t something that I was even aware that I was doing until I woke up one morning and that particular thing was the first thing on my mind. Y’all, I had to check myself real quick. I couldn’t go back. I had worked too hard to find myself again. Then, this morning happened. After reading that journal entry and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, I wanted to go back. You know, just to revisit. Before I could do it, I was reminded of the story in the Bible about Lot’s wife looking back and turning into a pillar of salt. Maybe she was just like me. She longed for the comfort of what was. It may not have been what was best for her, but it felt familiar and safe. She knew what to expect and what not to expect. It was home.
Now, here I am moving forward into the unknown. Y’all, at this age things are pretty scary. So much of my life is behind me. I see the 30 and 40 year olds doing their thing. I often wonder what life will be like for me as I move on. Will I ever feel that special again? Will my life ever be as exciting as it was? Because y’all, I am not going to lie, life was pretty exciting… until it wasn’t exciting anymore. Sighing
Well, I guess I can say that after this release I have entered yet another level of freedom. And to think I thought I had released everything before I turned 50. Shaking my head. How many more levels do I have to go before I am actually free?! Laughing
I used to believe people who only shared their successes instead of their failures were frauds. I now realize that is not necessarily the case. There’s a time, place and audience for everything. Knowing when, where and what to share is vital, even when it comes to sharing successes. Yes, I am finally realizing that good news isn’t always acceptable for some.
I’m not sure what’s going on with me waking up around 3:00/3:30 AM nowadays. Like, I’m wide awake. Then around 5:30/6:00 AM, I find myself falling back to sleep. At first it was annoying, but now I just start everything two hours earlier, then take a nap before officially getting up. Anyhoo…
After waking up with Marvin Winans’ song, Draw Me Close to You/Thy Will Be Done, playing over and over in my head, and much needed prayer time with God, I received my answers. I know what’s wrong. Not going to go into details because those revelations were just for me. Now that I understand what the problems are, I can deal with them. Now, how I choose to do it is totally up to me.
Here’s what I’ll call one of the “solutions” to the revelations. Listen, it had me shaking my head and smiling at the same time. Y’all God is so good. It’s an excerpt from one of my journal entries from this date. Debating whether or not to share the entire entry. Will let you know what I actually decided before I hit publish.
Shaun’s Journal Entry: August 4, 2014
So I’ve decided not to fight it any longer. I may as well give in and just let things be. No, I’m not happy, but as I’ve told others many times before, make yourself happy. So life has given me a barrel of lemons & grapefruit. Time to make sour punch (sounds gross huh?). Oh well…
God will work it out. Turn it over to Jesus, he will work it out! He can, he can, work it out. You won’t even have to touch it. Hallelujah!!
Although that entry was about something completely unrelated to what I am currently going through, I believe it was written for this very moment. Nine years ago, God already knew exactly what I would need to get through this time. So yes, I’m smiling and now tearing up. I needed those words of encouragement. I’m turning everything over to God. I won’t have to lift a finger or touch a thing. He will work it out. Amen
By the way, I shared the entire entry. All of it was relevant. I keep telling y’all God loves me. Smiling
Praying you have a blessed weekend. Thanks for reading. Love you!♥️
You already know what you have been called to do. You have seen the vision and it is very plain. However, you are hesitant to move forward because it will take you completely out of your comfort zone; you feel like there are too many uncertainties to take the risk. Believe me, I understand. I am right there with you. But now is the time for us to step into our callings. No more excuses. No more delays. Those who need what we have to offer need it now… TODAY. Let’s do this!♥️ ~Shaun
It’s time!
Side Note: This consecration time with God that Bishop Jakes suggested Sunday is THE TRUTH! Listen, I thought I was already spending time with God and following His guidance, but clearly I wasn’t. Over these past few days, things that I thought I had handled resurfaced and I had a choice to either bury them again or face them head on. Well, I decided to face them. Listen, if you want to KNOW about yourself, spend a little time with God, real time with God and I guarantee He will show you who you really are. Y’all, it was not easy, but it was so necessary. Grateful
Over the years, I have discovered one of the keys to knowing who you are is knowing who you are not.
I know who I am because I finally understand, and have accepted, who I am not.
I hate to admit that my road to self-discovery recently wrapped up–at least I believe it is over–during the last few days of my 40s. Maybe it was because I was so determined not to bring uncertainties and baggage into this half of my life. At the very end, up until a few days in, there were things I had to let go of, things I had held on to much longer than I should have. What I discovered was those things were hindering me from fully knowing and embracing my authentic self. Even though I knew God had made me different from others, I constantly questioned my worth and abilities. I also kept feeling behind or as if I had missed out on valuable opportunities.
I know I have only been on this side of 50 a very short while, but life really does seem different. I finally feel like I am dancing to the beat of my own drums. I no longer feel the anxiety and pressure of not being who or where I imagined I would be at this time in life. I contribute all of this to this year’s/half century’s theme–“Being present while residing in a space of peace.”
Y’all, just thinking… Christy Nockels’ book, The Life You Long For, really did prepare me for this.
Forever grateful for God’s love, mercy and grace. Y’all, He really does love me.
Thanks for reading. Wishing all of you a wonderful day!♥️
Our life needs balance. There is no way we can truly live our best lives without it.
Yesterday, a friend of mine shared her personal journey with being self-disciplined. How at one point she was so disciplined that it became unhealthy. If you read either of yesterday’s blogs, that’s exactly what was happening with me. Now, I wasn’t as disciplined as her, but I was on my way there. For the longest, I have been trying to force myself to stay focused on my work by eliminating “distractions.” However, all I was doing was making myself sick. I cannot eliminate things from my life that actually bring we joy. I just can’t. So I have to find a way to balance it all.
A few moments ago, I liked a tweet that said, “In this very moment, my life is perfect.”
Hmmm…
In this very moment, my life is muddled.
Yep..
Right now.
In this very moment.
Muddled.
It’s kind of difficult to explain. I feel somewhat detached and alienated from the world. I can hear people saying, “Hush, don’t tell anyone how you really feel. Keep that to yourself. You’ll get over it.” And I will get over it. I always do. However, in this very moment, this is my life and this is how I feel. Honestly, I’m not even sure how I got to this point. My goal was to block out distractions and focus on my business; but it seems like the more I do, the more I feel alone.
Today is my designated wellness day. I believe I need to take it. No work.
Why did my heart just drop when I wrote “no work”? It’s like I cannot afford not to do anything.Ugh!
But, yes, today I just need to be. Wish I could go on a picnic or to the beach. I need to be one with nature. I need to really connect with God, and I can’t do it from where I am. Plus, today it’s too rainy and too cold to be outside. Sigh
Anyhoo..
I’ll talk to y’all tomorrow. I promise it will be something uplifting. Enjoy your day.♥️
Today is the first Wednesday of the year! Which means I have well over 100 (closer to 200) more Wednesdays of writing. I know it sounds like a lot, but I can do it. I will get it done. Smiling
Not really sure what I want to write about today. Yesterday, I realized I didn’t do an end of year review for 2022. So many people had posted wonderful videos recapping their 2022 and I didn’t post a thing. Even on New Year’s Eve, I only posted three things that really summed up my entire year – I conquered fears, found myself again and released control. And truthfully, that about sums up everything that happened last year.
This year has already started off differently than past new years. This year actually feels different. It’s like I’m seeing things differently. It’s as if my entire life is changing before my eyes and I actually feel it happening. Honestly, it’s the most present that I have ever been. Maybe it’s the awareness that I’ll be 50 this year. Maybe my entire being feels it. It’s so hard to describe. It’s such a wonderfully, strange feeling.
Short story—
At some point during my teenage years, I imagined myself living two drastically different lives – the first 50 years and the remaining 50+ years. As you can see, I have always seen myself living a very long life. Smile. The first half was for… Y’all, basically it was for doing what I have done – find myself and retire. Y’all, that was just an “Aha” moment. At the time that I declared I would live two lives, I didn’t refer to it as “finding myself.” I always thought of it as this exploratory phase. During my first 50 years, I would take chances and try different things until I discovered what I liked and didn’t like; what I wanted to do and didn’t want to do. Then I would take all of this information and experience and decide how I wanted to live the second half of my life. Listen!! You don’t have to believe me, but God will give you exactly what you ask for and most times you don’t even know He’s doing it. Sitting in awe right now! It wasn’t until late last year that I even realized I retired before I was 50. For some reason, I hadn’t really recognized my retirement from the military as the “retire before age 50” that I had asked for. When I tell you God forever amazes me!
So, Year 50 is loading. Although I still have several months to go, I can already feel the change taking place. I know most of you reading this probably think I’m crazy, but I am so serious. My life is changing.
I know how I imagined myself living the second half of my life. Not going to share. I don’t have to speak it into existence because I already spoke it decades ago. I’m just going to take it all in and let it happen.
Well, I guess you can also mark this as my first “random rambling” for the year. As always, thanks for reading. Remember to stay present and your day!♥️
It’s Shaun’s World 
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