After dealing with death, I often wonder if my dreams and goals are worth pursuing. Like, am I wasting too much time focusing on the unknown when I should be spending more time on what I already have. Then I am reminded that I could actually live to be 100 years old. My dreams and goals are so worth pursuing.
No matter how much I would like to give up at times, or settle where I am, for some reason God will not allow me to. He constantly shows me that there is so much more worth living for, worth pursuing. I have to keep going, even when those I thought would go with me are no longer here or decide to choose a different path. I cannot give up.
Here is a Facebook memory from September 13, 2018:
Good Morning! Here’s today’s social media find. Y’all, persistence is everything. Even when your deadline has come and gone, keep going. The thing you’re working towards will eventually happen. There are moments that I really want to give up (like last night- lol), but God steps in and pushes me forward. He’s persistent!☺️ If it’s meant to be, it will be.
There is no timeline, only God’s timing. Keeping going!
As you may have read, I was feeling pretty down a couple of hours ago (Hello Sunday). Well, a couple of things happened afterwards. I was led to watch/listen to the first YouTube video I saw. This happens quite often when I need a message. The first video was a message by Bishop T. D. Jakes, “How to Prepare for a Shift.” It was only eleven minutes long and when I first started listening, I didn’t think it was for me. By the end of the message, I knew that it was. Message: Be quiet and listen. Listen for God’s voice. As soon as I became quiet, I remembered a program I had been thinking about enrolling in for my new venture. Well, after looking into it, I enrolled. I also received a 75% discount! Woohoo!!
Mentally and emotionally I’m still not back to normal, but I do feel so much better. After finally feeling up to journaling, I was led to read last year’s journal entry. Y’all, this is actually how God works in my life. It’s how I make it. Here are the first two sentences of that entry.
God’s got me; therefore, I know everything will be okay.
He works pretty fast doesn’t He? I’m so grateful He loves me.
I really don’t know where to begin. Yesterday, September 1, was surreal. I am still trying to process it all, but I really don’t want to. Last week I shared that my Aunt Beaulah had passed. Yesterday morning we learned of one of my mom’s younger stepbrothers passing. Then hours later, her aunt, my great aunt and late grandfather’s only sibling, passed. Marvin was in Georgia and Aunt Deloris was here in Mississippi. Neither were COVID related.
My Aunt Beaulah (dad’s sister) had been suffering for years. Over her adulthood she’d had multiple strokes and heart attacks. We always joked that she was like a cat with nine lives. However, this last time she did not bounce back. My dad had three sisters, two of which passed nearly forty years ago. So for years she had been his only baby sister. Up until last year, it was my dad, two uncles and Aunt Beaulah. Last summer my Uncle Sam passed. Now Aunt Beaulah is gone. There are only two of them left. My heart aches for my dad and Uncle Bob. Neither are in good health. I can only imagine what it must feel like to be the last ones standing. As I said, I am still trying to process it all.
My Aunt Deloris (mom’s aunt), who actually read my blogs, was my girl! Now she could tell a good story. The last time I visited her, I told her that I was going to record her storiesabout her childhood. I explained how I wanted to capture her voice as well as her story so that future generations would be able to hear her speak. My plan was to do it this weekend when I visited for my Aunt Beaulah’s burial. I guess you could say God already knew it would never happen the way I had planned. He knew I would not have time to do things “just right.” Last year, as we celebrated her 75th birthday, I recorded her reciting names from our family tree dating back to the late 1800s. Perhaps that was all I needed to record. I also took pictures of names and dates of births and deaths that were kept in a bible her mother handed down to her. She was all about family. She loved us and we loved her dearly. She will be missed.
Marvin, my mom’s little brother, one of my first playmates, will definitely be missed. Words cannot even describe how I am feeling about his death. He was only a few years older than me. No one knew this but Marvin was the first person I told about me contemplating my divorce. I needed to tell someone and that someone happened to be him. Although I did not ask him to keep it between us, he did. That was the kind of person he was – loyal, a true friend and confidant. I am forever grateful for the time we got to spend together. Earlier this summer, he was diagnosed with cancer, which had already progressed to stage 4. During my trip to Atlanta, we had planned to visit but opted for FaceTime instead. That was the last time I actually saw him. Our last text was almost two weeks ago. He will also be missed.
Y’all, I’m in a daze. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to cry. I feel like I’m tiptoeing around my own feelings trying not to reminisce too much. I was so excited about this new month of September. Said I wanted to do something different. Little did I know this month was going to start off like this. I am still optimistic that this will be a wonderful month full of opportunities and adventures even if I have to intentionally make them happen.
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