God has been speaking to me this morning, and y’all, I’m listening.
His message to me, which may also be a message for you—I (you) can’t carry someone else’s load (this includes their fears). Their load is theirs to bear. I can pray for them and help however I can, but I cannot carry their load for them. My hands and heart weren’t meant to do God’s job. Just like I have been attempting to rest in Him, others will have to find rest in him as well. He let me know that it doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it only means that I cannot do what only He can do.
This post has been in my drafts since January 8, 2022. I wrote it for another blog, but can’t locate the link. Glad I saved it here. This was my mother.
Title: Momma, I See You
I was born to a teenage mother, who was born to a teenage mother, who was born to a teenage mother. Yep.. three generations of teen moms. My mother was 14 years old when she became pregnant with me and 15 when she gave birth. What’s ironic is my grandmother was also pregnant. Not only was she about to birth her eighth child at 30, but she was also about to become a first time grandmother. Can you imagine being 30 years old with eight children and your first grandchild on the way? Oh… and my great grandmother, my grandmother’s mom, had 12 children at the time and she was only 43. Y’all, I’m 47 with two children. Had my first child at 21 and my second at 30. Just thinking about what it must have felt like being a teenage mother is unimaginable, let alone having multiple children and grandchildren by the age of 30.
Well, a few years ago, during one of my mom’s frequent visits to the emergency room, I thought about what it must have felt like to be responsible for another life at such a young age. When I arrived at the hospital, she was in so much pain. Every time the nurses touched her she moaned. I wanted to help but couldn’t. Finally the doctor gave her something to ease the pain and she fell asleep. I didn’t leave. I just sat there watching her sleep. Honestly, it was like watching a stranger. The person I saw lying there wasn’t the loud, strong, opinionated woman I knew. This woman was vulnerable, tired, and broken. That’s when it hit me that she was so much more than my mother, she was a woman.
While sitting there, I began reminiscing about my childhood and the sacrifices she had made for me and my five siblings. She always made sure our needs were met even if she had to go without. When I was a baby, she worked in the cotton fields to buy me clothes and pampers. She married a man twice her age, and endured abuse, so that she could support me. By the time she divorced him two years later, she had another little girl to support. Although she had two toddlers, she graduated from high school early and enrolled in college. At 18 she was walking the campus of Jackson State University with two in tow. I still remember attending night classes with her when she couldn’t find a babysitter. During that time she was always learning something new as well as introducing us to new things. For me, that was the most exciting time of my childhood. Also, she was no stranger to hard work. Throughout my childhood, I don’t ever remember hearing her complain about taking on second jobs or not being able to take off for vacations. She did what she had to do to provide for her family. I remember how one year she walked miles to work in the snow, while pregnant with one of my younger sisters. One day she slipped and fell and still went to work. That’s how dedicated and selfless she was. Although she experienced heartaches, disappointments, and abuse, we rarely saw her cry. She was the rock of the family.
Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital I was a changed woman. I saw my mom through a different lens. Not only her but my grandmother and great grandmother as well. I often wonder what kind of sacrifices and compromises did they have to make to ensure their children had everything they needed.
Listen, like most mother-daughter relationships, my mother and I have had our ups and downs. However, it wasn’t until I put myself in her shoes that I was able to better understand some of her experiences and decisions. I will admit that the woman she was throughout my childhood made me the woman I am today, and for that, I’m grateful.
The months I spent with her before she passed were a blessing I didn’t know I needed. I needed that time with her. Even though it was like caring for a child at times, I still knew I was hers. So many times I wanted to climb up in the hospital bed with her.
My momma…
She made us take pictures that day (June 1997). She just had to have a family photo even though we weren’t dressed for one.😅We were so unserious. But it was her day, and there was no way we weren’t going to comply. She was still Momma! We also took pictures with my grandma (her mom). About a couple of weeks later, my grandma suddenly died. The following year, my mom became paralyzed from the waist down.
Life can change in the blink of an eye. Make sure you cherish every moment with those you love.♥️
I’m currently reading – “The Life You Long For: Learning to Live From A Heart of Rest” by Christy Nockels. So far, so much of her story has resonated with me. Especially the part about being so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life trying to achieve goals and the lifestyle you have always dreamed of that you neglect to live. The funny thing is you believe you’re living until you actually begin living. As Christy calls it, it’s living from a heart (place) of rest. In other words, living from a place of peace and contentment.
As Christy has noted in her book, it takes a moment to get to a place of rest and once you get there, it’s still challenging to remain in that space. Because as we know, we cannot control the things that happen around us, but as pastor and author, Joel Osteen would say, we can control how we respond.
For a few weeks now, more so the last two weeks, I have been thinking about the freedom of choice. As we know, socially and economically, everyone does not have the same level of freedom when it comes to choices; however, all of us do have the freedom to make choices, even small ones. Although it is impossible to control others’ actions or events happening around us, we can control our reactions and actions, which is a choice. So when I refer to the freedom of choice, this is exactly what I’m referring to. Nothing intense. Nothing political. But personal choices that we make daily.
Since I have been living from a place of peace, I have noticed that my choices are different, they’re better. I respond to situations much differently than I used to. The things that used to make me anxious, no longer bother or upset me. I’m also learning to be kinder to myself. Which is BIG! Y’all, I really was my own worst critic. I’m also less judgmental. I have always loved people’s uniqueness, even my own, but that didn’t stop me from judging. Yes, I’m human. Overall, life is so much better than before and it’s all because I have chosen to make it better – I have chosen to live from a place of peace. Now, I would be lying if I said my life is always peaceful, that nothing happens that throws me for a loop. Y’all, every day.. yes, EVERY SINGLE DAY I’m faced with things that challenge my peace; and every day I make the choice of how I respond. To me that’s freedom! And I’m loving it.
Word of advice – which is what has gotten me to this place of peace – if it disturbs your peace it’s too costly. Let it go.
About a week ago, I was led to re-read Christy Nockels’ “The Life You Long For …”. I needed to find my way back to the peace and rest I had found. I now realize I must work daily to maintain it. It’s not something that will always come easy, especially when I encounter new challenges. From here on, I must be intentional about making necessary adjustments before my peace is completely disturbed. It’s just too costly to wait.
Y’all, I’m so thankful for God’s love and for how He surrounds and covers me in His peace. I am truly, truly blessed.
I pray you’ve found your place of peace and rest in God. It’s such a beautiful place to be. Wishing you the most amazing day yet!♥️
Re-reading Christy Nockels’ “The Life I Long For: Learning to Live from a Heart of Rest” has been more about revisiting my reflection notes at the end of each chapter than actually reading the book. Here’s one about me trying to maintain a balance between pursuing my dreams and staying present (February 2022)—
Balance. Is there such a thing as balance? Either you’re working towards something or you’re enjoying the moment. Seems as if doing both is impossible.
That was written three years ago, written before I finished the book. By the time I finished it, I had found that balance. I discovered I could do both—actively pursue my dreams and stay present. The catch was, and still is, God has to be the center of it all. I cannot live the life I desire without Him being so. When I place myself in the center and try to do things from my own efforts, that’s when I feel off balance. And that’s also when God gently reminds me that He’s in control. Yes, HE is in control. Smiling
Y’all, God is so good. I just can’t express it enough how grateful I am that He loves me. I am so blessed.
I debated whether or not to share my interview that aired during last night’s local news because my journey to where I want to be is still a work in progress. Then, while trying to find something to share for my afternoon post, I heard to check the photos I had saved on this date. Y’all, when I tell you God forever amazes me! I wasn’t expecting to find a TikTok video I made three years ago. I don’t even have access to that TikTok account anymore. I lost access about two years ago when I couldn’t remember my password or the email address I used to set it up. So, finding this video today lets me know it’s okay to share the one from last night.
Here’s what I shared on February 8, 2022.
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of reading a book to two different groups during “Storytime with a Soldier,”—a monthly event hosted by the African American Military History Museum here in Hattiesburg. The first group included pre-K children, and the other included adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Well, the local news station decided to attend the event and they wanted to interview me. Y’all, I really hate being on camera. And I guess from the look on my face, the journalist knew it too because he asked if I was okay with being on camera, and I said “no,” but I’d do the interview anyway. And I did. I actually did two impromptu interviews yesterday. Yayyy, Me!!🎉
I once said I felt like the purpose of this blog space, “It’s Shaun’s World,” was to share my testimonies in real time, and that’s exactly what I have been doing. When I tell you life is funny and God has a sense of humor. I can’t help but laugh while watching Him with amazement. In the video from 2022, I said I was preparing to be on camera. Did I believe it would actually happen?! No! At least not without me being prepared for it.😂
Y’all, God is sooo smooth. Laughing because all this time I have been calling this my world when in reality, it’s actually His.☺️
Twenty-six (almost 27) years ago, I wrote the following in my journal—
“When I blew out my candles, I made a simple wish and that was to be happy for the next 25 years, and even happier afterwards.”
Well…
Five years ago, I asked myself if I was fulfilling that wish. The answer to that question back then (in 2020), and still is to this day, is “Yes.” Overall, my life is much happier than when I was 25. In 1998, I had so much going on. I was a single mom living abroad with a little one while trying to figure out life for us both. Then, a few months later, my mom had an incident (never found out what happened) that caused her to be paralyzed (paraplegia) for the rest of her life.
Don’t get me wrong. Today, every day isn’t all smiles and laughter; however, I’m never depressed. I was really depressed back then. After making my wish on my 25th birthday, I tried my best to make myself happy. I had been to therapy before, so I knew how to cope. However, it wasn’t until God stepped in and I began allowing Him to lead that I became truly happy. Y’all, God is so good. True happiness cannot be created. It happens organically and comes from within. When I celebrate life by saying, “I made it!” this is what I mean.
I’m forever grateful for God’s love, mercy, and grace. Y’all, I‘m blessed.♥️ ~ Shaun
It’s Shaun’s World 
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