I really do love Facebook memories. I am always surprised by the treasures I find. Here is this morning’s treasure. It is a simple profile picture from 2014, six years ago.
Optimistic
Six years ago I was preparing to take the leap of my life. I had no idea of the challenges I would face, but I knew I could not stay where I was. God had made it clear, I needed to GET OUT. Y’all, I was so scared. I did not know how I would make ends meet without two incomes. Shoot.. I was barely making ends meet then. Boy.. the stories I could tell! But, I won’t. That was six years ago, and it is over now.
TODAY!! Today I am alive, well, and THRIVING!! Never could I have imagined I would be where I am today. EVERY day I give thanks to God. I constantly remind my children about His love, mercy, and grace. I remind them so much that whenever I become discouraged, they remind me. Lol. It is so important that they know just how good God truly is.
Y’all, I dare you to trust Him! I am sooo glad I took that leap.
Hello! Here is a Facebook memory that I thought I would share. It was written on August 11, 2019, after a year of being in the doctoral program. This past March I decided to take a leave of absence, again (details included in the memory). This time it was the uncertainty of COVID-19 that had me stressed. I just could not focus on school. So I decided to take a year off. As I did last time, I have questioned myself about my reasons for pursuing this degree. Is it something I truly want? Glad I have a few more months to decide. Then we shall see what happens.
Here’s the memory (unedited):
Good Morning! No social media find this morning. I just feel like sharing.
Today’s the last official day of class. It’s been a year that I’ve been in the DrPH program. I’m not sure why I thought it would be easy. I’m still puzzled about that initial phone interview with my advisor. I was just so chipper. Why???🙄 I work at a university. I’ve seem so many students struggle through their doctoral program. Yet, somehow I thought things would be different for me. What was wrong with me?😩
A few days ago I finally really looked at my degree plan. Yeah, I never really reviewed it. I just started taking classes and going with the flow. When I saw how many hours I had left, my heart sank. The thought crossed my mind, “Will I ever have a life?” Y’all, this program is about to consume ALL of my time. I’m not going to lie, so far I haven’t been disciplined at all. I started off really disciplined. Had everything scheduled down to my “Tyler Perry Tuesdays” tweet time. Yeah, one hour to watch and tweet during the show and 1/2 hour afterwards to reply to tweets. I was serious. Then, life happened. It’s amazing how one little thing can shake you and your whole system crumbles.
I began to realize I used social media as a way of coping with the things happening around me. Whenever I wanted to get away, I would log on and mindlessly scroll down my timeline. Social media is a great distractor when you don’t want to deal with reality. At the time, I was going through the divorce. Somehow, in my little mind, I thought it was going to be a piece of cake and it wasn’t. Also, things at work were becoming stressful. It was just a lot. Then, on top of that, I had school. I had to post and respond to discussions every week. Honestly, it was all taking a toll on me. I finally realized I couldn’t take anymore and sat out the spring term.
During my break, I did a lot of soul searching. Was this program for me? Could I fulfill my purpose without the degree? Was my purpose even worth the struggle? Why couldn’t I just let everything go and just enjoy life like everyone else? I mean, I’ve already retired from the military. I’m sort helping my community through my research projects. Why not sit back and enjoy life? Why do I always have to make things harder for myself? Well, because that’s exactly what I do. I love a challenge. Something inside of me, no matter how hard I try to fight it, wants the adventure. So, when my advisor called me before the summer term began, and asked me if I was returning to school, I confidently told him I was going to finish the program.🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
So, here I am. This time I’m really serious about being more disciplined. I’m trying to narrow down my use of social media to things that will help me along this journey. I’ve discovered that the Twitter accounts I follow on my ResearchDiva site reflect were I’m going (UN in Geneva☺️). I’ve been able to use some of the information I’ve come across for my discussions and assignments. My Mississippi Thriving IG makes me feel like I’m still supporting my community. My blog, It’s Shaun’s World, gives me an outlet for sharing my random thoughts. And this page… y’all make everything worth it. I love logging on and seeing your smiling faces. Y’all keep me grounded.
I know this was long. I needed to get it out. So, if I miss posting a few social media finds, or showing you love, it’s not because I don’t care, I’m just trying to stay focused.
My first thought was to save this for my weekly Hello Sunday blog since it sounds like a Sunday message. But this is how I am feeling now– in this particular moment. So I am sharing.
After checking Facebook and Twitter this morning, I began to feel discouraged. Every post/tweet was about chaos and doom. If someone was not sharing stories about us going to a cashless, socialist society, then they were sharing stories about injustices and living in the last days. Sometimes.. no.. most of the time, it is so overwhelming. However, this morning, as always, God reminded me that He is still in control. Our job is to trust Him in spite of what we see.
Story time:
When I was a little girl, I spent my summers with my great-great grandma, Madea. Every morning Madea would get up, pray, and read one chapter from her ginormous white Bible. That chapter was Psalm 23. It was her morning ritual. Y’all, she did this every morning before she started her day. To this day, that entire chapter is instilled in me. However, verse 4 is my secret weapon. Whenever I feel afraid, that one verse seems to calm all of my fears. I dare you to recite it when you are afraid. Whew! Talk about peace like no other! Personally, it kind of makes me feel like royalty. As if my daddy is The King and I am His princess. Like nothing can touch me. Sounds crazy– huh? But it does.
Anyway, without further ado, here is Psalm 23. Enjoy! And use it!
Psalm 23 KJV
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Thanking God for life. I had written an entirely different blog and decided to save it for another day or space. Today I would like to focus on God’s greatnesses.
Y’all, I am always amazed at how God works. How He connects the puzzle pieces of life. This is one reason I write and document everything. It allows me to go back and review past events and follow God’s work. If you do not journal, search your social media posts or look at old photos. See where you were a year ago, three years ago, or even ten years ago and compare it to where you are today.
Some of you might believe life is worse now than it was before. While some of you are finally living your best life. For me, life is definitely better. However, even during my lowest moments (documented in journal entries), certain aspects of my life were really good. When I suffered financial losses, my relationship with my children became stronger. During relationship problems, I grew closer to God. Problems at work, I expanded my knowledge. Y’all, there were always positive moments during adversities, heartbreaks and disappointments. I could not see it then, but I do now. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
Now, do not get me wrong, I am not saying that life is so good that I do not have disappointing and heartbreaking moments because that would be a lie (in Maury’s voice- lol). It is in those moments that I refer back to where I was, compared to where I am now. God saw me through everything then and He continues to do the same today. So yeah.. life is definitely better.
If you recall, two years ago I allowed a bad experience to stop me from moving forward. As I said in that blog, it was time for me to get back to work. Well, I am finally back!
After a two-year hiatus, or as I would like to refer to it as– my sabbatical, I am finally back and ready to get things rolling! I learned a lot …
Raw, unedited, and probably does not make sense. Publishing it anyway. Enjoy!
As usual, my Hello Sunday’s are random. This Sunday’s topic surrounds the Jada and August “entanglement” situation. No.. I refuse to give my two cents their story. It is theirs, not mine. However, I will talk about my experiences with “entanglements.” All I have to say is, it is complicated.
Y’all, I was so emotional after watching this past episode of Red Table Talk, Here’s to the Journey. I cried for hours. No lie. Shoot, I am becoming emotional, now. I can pinpoint times in my life where I felt lost, felt so far gone that I did not know who Shaun was. For me, every past relationship left me feeling like I was drowning.
Not sure if I ever wrote about this, but in my 47 years of existence, I have only been in 4 relationships. My first one, Mr. W initiated the relationship. I was 17. Had just graduated from high school and was ready to conquer the world! Then along came Mr. W on his Honda Ninja. It was so unexpected. NEVER in a million years did I expect him to be interested in me. But that’s another story for another day. Anyway, after a few months of dating, I guess he became bored with me and went back to a couple of his exes. Maybe he never really left them. Yesterday, someone made a video about the third party victims in relationships. The person the broken person reaches out to to make them feel good. Well, looking back, I was probably that person. I was the one who filled in the void until he decided what he wanted. So some of my feelings also resonate with August’s. My response to Mr. W leaving me hurt was to get as far away from him as I could, so I joined the Air Force. Y’all, be careful for what you ask for. My first assignment was in Ramstein, Germany. When I tell you God will give you what you ask for! Whew!!
My next relationship was with Mr. X. This is really funny because the letters actually defines the person in certain ways– cool! Mr. X was minding his own business when I approached him. He seemed like a great guy. Didn’t know he was in a relationship. Again– another story. Well, I was still hurt from Mr. W and decided I would alleviate the pain by pursuing a relationship with Mr. X. Boy was I wrong! He caused more damage than Mr. W.
Fast forward to several years later, I had begun to have feelings for this one guy. I already knew a relationship with him would never work, but it did not mean my heart was not in it. Yeah.. my heart was there. This particular relationship is not part of the four. He has his own special place in my heart. If he ever reads this, he will know it’s about him. So this part was written especially for him because I know it will make him smile.
Anyhoo… as Jada said, I needed to feel good again. So I found someone to make me feel good. That was probably the worst mistakes I made. Now that one was complicated. The only way I got out of that relationship was to do what August did, cut all ties. Believe me, that was one of the hardest things to do. That relationship was toxic! I went into the relationship thinking I would not develop feelings for Mr. Y, but in the end, I did. This is where my ex-husband came in.
I will not go into details about my relationship with my ex-husband. Just know that by the end of our relationship I felt lost. I pretending to be someone he wanted me to be and that was not me. You know, you can only pretend for so long before your true feelings and character come bursting out. As Will and Jada did, we separated. For me, the separation was final. However, for him, he thought we would get back together. Before we separated we had a conversation about what the separation would look like. We discussed starting over. We discussed dating and perhaps actually falling in love. Because we both knew he was the rebound guy and that I was never in love with him. During that conversation he asked, “What makes you think you will fall in love with me if we date again if you haven’t fallen in love with me in the past 11 years?” It was light a light switch came on. I was like, you are absolutely right. Why even waste our time. Despite what anyone believes, God had already told me years prior, to let him go. But I kept holding on because I was afraid. I did not know how I would survive. Now I am all off topic and getting into another story. Sorry…
Okay, let me refocus. I was discussing my “entanglements.” Well, he was the last. Honestly, after separating, I thought I was going to lose my mind because I did not have anyone to run to to make me feel good again. I needed that 4 1/2 years of separation/divorce period to chill. To actually discover Shaun. That piece of paper (my marriage license) kept me from starting any new relationships. Maybe this is the reason my ex refused to sign the divorce papers. He knew I would never move on even if I was only married on paper. Life.
From now on, no more entanglements for me. I refuse to be the third party in anyone’s relationship. And definitely no more rebound guys for me. I am finally off to a new start. Open to what God has in store. Not my will anymore but His. I am staying out of it!
Now, I probably should go back and revise this. You know… omit a few things, but I’m not. I am going to click “Publish” without re-reading it. Bold move, right! Y’all, this is the raw version of this blog. So if it doesn’t flow.. it is what it is.
It’s Shaun’s World 
You must be logged in to post a comment.