I’m awake. Can’t sleep. What do you do when you have absolutely no idea of what to do when your heart hurts? I know I have to push through. I know that in a few days I will not feel like this. I know that eventually the pain will fade. However, at this moment, I’m hurting.
I really hate writing sad, depressing blogs. I don’t feel like journaling. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like making a social media post. I chose to blog because somehow I actually feel like the universe hears me this way. Maybe… just maybe, by writing it here the universe will hear my pain and make everything okay.
I know this is just a moment I’m going through. I know it will pass. I know God’s got me. However, right now, I’m sad and my heart hurts.
Facebook memory: September 8, 2018 – Caption and picture.
How many of you have tried to rush things and God said, “Be still” or “Be patient”?
Be Still Be Patient God’s Working
I’m not going to lie, I have been feeling pretty low for a few days now. Can’t seem to stop crying. I keep asking myself where is my life headed. Honestly, it seems like my ambitions and dreams have shriveled up. All I’m left with is nothingness. Like, I feel nothing. I want nothing. I’m just here.
Yesterday, my son said I needed to get out the house and go somewhere, anywhere. I was like, all I’ve been doing is going. He said I needed to go somewhere for myself, not to take care of things for someone else. So, we drove down to the coast for lunch. He was right, I needed to do something for me. Now, here I am laying here with my thoughts. I just can’t seem to stop crying. I’ve been patient with myself for years, so why am I not further along? I don’t want to die without achieving my dreams; however, right now, I don’t have any drive to move forward. None. I just want to be.
I know this moment will pass. It always does. But it’s becoming harder and harder to bounce back. This is hard to admit but I’m beginning to feel hopeless. Just being transparent.
Today’s one of those days that I just don’t feel like writing. Honestly, I’m tired. I’m emotionally and mentally drained. The events that took place on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol did a number on me. I anticipated a few fights, maybe some vandalism of local businesses, but I was not prepared for the rest. What happened hurt my heart and soul. It wasn’t only the insurrection that took place, but the brutal reality that racial inequality still plagues our nation and people still seem oblivious to it. How can they still not notice? It was on display for the whole world to see. Never would a peaceful protest by Black people (yeah- I’m ONLY focusing on Black people) been met with such niceties and respect. From here on, I have nothing for those who choose to ignore the racial inequalities and inequities in our country. Nothing! I will no longer waste my time and energy trying to get people (Whites and Blacks– because there are a few) to understand the injustices Black people face on a daily basis. I’m done!
As you can see, I’m pretty emotional and hurt right now, so I’m going to end this. Yeah, today isn’t a good day for writing. Today I plan to disengage from social media and surround myself with positive vibes and love on my kids. I’m remaining hopeful that most people want change.
Next Sunday will be better. Please enjoy your day!
Another week down. Moving on to the next. Last week was a bit much. It began with another shooting of a Black man by police officers. Another one! Just thinking about it is stressing me out again.
Last week I could barely concentrate for crying. I actually became physically ill. It was too much. I was mentally and emotionally worn. I kept asking myself– Why are we, Black people, still fighting for equality? To be seen as worthy? Why is it that our Black men are viewed as a threat at first sight? Why are we, Black women, “angry,” when do not feel like smiling, or are having a bad day, or just simply being? Why are little Black kids handcuffed for acting out? Why are we not loved? Why are we not valued? Why do we not matter?!!!
Last week, Doc Rivers, a former NBA player and now head coach of the Los Angeles clippers, voiced what we have all been feeling. Emotionally, he said, “It amazes me why we keep loving this country, and this country does not love us back.” I felt that. Just thinking about it now makes me want to SCREAM!Doc Rivers’ Interview.
We have been used, abused, and murdered. Yet, we still love our country. We have fought wars and given our lives for this country. Yet, we are seen as animals (usually monkeys), second class citizens, dirty, nasty, unworthy, illiterate, thieves… Believe me, I could go on and on! No matter what we accomplish, or how pleasantly nice we are, we are never good enough. We are never quite there.. Ha! Almost there.. but not there.
So for those still wondering why we are screaming, “Black lives matter!” it’s because, unfortunately, our lives do not matter!
Praying for a better week– a safe week– a week without tears (unless they are happy tears).
Scream: To give a long, loud, piercing cry or cries, expressing excitement, great emotion, or PAIN
I say that I want to scream, but I believe I need to scream. I am so frustrated, right now. Honestly, I have been frustrated– BEYOND frustrated– since my brother passed. People have said that I need to give myself time to process his death. HA! Easier said than done.
But to be completely transparent, yeah.. because who am I kidding, that whole divorce thing did a number on me. After my divorce was final, I thought I was finally free and about to live my best life. My birthday theme was “46 & FREE!” I was posting, “New beginnings” all over the place. Then three months later, my brother died, unexpectedly. Y’all, what a blow! We were supposed to be together until we were old and grey. But God had other plans. Now, here we are in the lovely year of 2020. Speechless.
Y’all, can I SCREAM, now???
The only visual I can give you of how I am feeling, and what I want to do… correction… what I NEED to do, comes from Michael and Janet Jackson’s video Scream. Soooo…
Today is June 1, 2020. It is the first day of my birthday month. Although my birthday falls towards the end of the month, I am usually celebrating right now. Everyone who knows me knows I love my birthdays! Y’all, right now I should be happily planning my celebration and counting down the days; however, I am not. This year, for the first time since I was a little girl, I am not excited. Do not get me wrong, I am grateful.. very grateful, but not excited.
Honestly, how can I celebrate while our county is in turmoil? We are outraged about the murders of our black men and women by the hands of those who swore to protect and serve our citizens. We are angry about injustices black and brown people face daily due to systemic, overt, and subtle racism. We are angry because we are angry! Believe me, this is not the country our forefathers imagined. They would be devastated to know that we are still fighting for civil rights in 2020. When will it end?
So, this year, instead of spending time planning my celebration, I am going to spend it praying for our nation. Yes, I believe in the power of prayer because GOD is still in control. My prayer is that God places His arms of protection around our families, friends, and neighbors. That He breaks down ALL negative barriers to include hatred, racism, anger, and divisiveness; and that He unites our nation through love and peace. Y’all, I truly believe, with my whole heart and soul, that love conquers all. I am not saying that bad things will not happen or evil will never exist. However, I do believe that there is more good in this world, than bad. I refuse to believe otherwise. Praying. . .