Scream: To give a long, loud, piercing cry or cries, expressing excitement, great emotion, or PAIN
I say that I want to scream, but I believe I need to scream. I am so frustrated, right now. Honestly, I have been frustrated– BEYOND frustrated– since my brother passed. People have said that I need to give myself time to process his death. HA! Easier said than done.
But to be completely transparent, yeah.. because who am I kidding, that whole divorce thing did a number on me. After my divorce was final, I thought I was finally free and about to live my best life. My birthday theme was “46 & FREE!” I was posting, “New beginnings” all over the place. Then three months later, my brother died, unexpectedly. Y’all, what a blow! We were supposed to be together until we were old and grey. But God had other plans. Now, here we are in the lovely year of 2020. Speechless.
Y’all, can I SCREAM, now???
The only visual I can give you of how I am feeling, and what I want to do… correction… what I NEED to do, comes from Michael and Janet Jackson’s video Scream. Soooo…
Yesterday was very long and draining— mentally and emotionally. So, I reinstalled my social media apps with the intention of only posting my blog and managing business accounts. Needless to say, I fell right back into the same trap as before. I could not stop scrolling through the stories. Some of the stories were horrifying– people being tear gassed, looters destroying stores and properties, and people crying for justice. While other stories offered hope– law enforcement officers marching alongside protesters, white friends and colleagues recognizing and denouncing racism, and people being blessed in the midst of this madness. All of it was so overwhelming.
Some time during my scrolling and crying, I fell asleep. When I awoke, I had this song stuck in my head, I Surrender All. Growing up, we would sing it during alter calls (part of church services where people asked for prayer). The song says:
I surrender all I surrender all All to Thee, my Blessed Savior I surrender all
Y’all, I needed this reminder. For the sake of my sanity, I have to surrender all to God. For the sake of humanity, we must surrender all. There is a scripture in the Bible that reads:
“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22
Since I am up thinking about it, I might as well write about it.
The other day I wrote about trust. I admitted that trust was my biggest issue and that trust in romantic relationships was probably the worst. Well, last night on Tyler Perry’s If Loving You Is Wrong, one of the characters, Natalie, was dealing with the same exact issue– trust. You see, Natalie and Lushion (her fiancé) have been together for several years now, and she still does not trust him. During last night’s episode, she allowed someone to put doubt in her mind about Lushion’s faithfulness. Instead of remaining calm, and thinking things through, she allowed doubt and fear get the best of her. Which caused her to make a few irrational decisions. I know that was only a show, but things like that happens in real life, every day!
Then, this morning, as I was laying in bed, I kept replaying the scenes over and over in my head. For those who know me, know I love to tweet during my shows. Well, last night I was tweeting things like, “Natalie, trust your man!” and “Trust Lushion!!” Which is so ironic because I have trust issues, too. Hilarious! It is funny how it is easier to give advice to others, but so difficult to follow that same advice.
When I think about it, my trust issues began long before I was in a relationship. It began while watching other women in relationships– my mom, stepmom, grandma, aunts and family friends. As a child, I watched their relationships like I was watching a good soap opera. Basically, I was all up in their business. You know the phrase, “stay out of grown folks business”? Well, I believe it was coined just for me. I was ALWAYS up in somebody’s business. I used to watch how the women would light up when their significant others would do something special for them. Unfortunately for most, it never lasted long. Eventually, I saw them down, and sometimes depressed. You know… whenever he looked at someone else or stopped calling or visiting. During that time, I also witnessed a lot of abuse. So when I decided I was ready to give love a try, I proceeded with caution.
The first guy I seriously considered dating was this guy in my church. Back then, he was dating almost every girl in the church. So when he finally became interested in me, I was reluctant to take the bait. So reluctant that while I was contemplating giving him a chance, he got with another girl. Talk about heartbreaking. But in the end it was all for the best. Let’s just say, I dodged a major bullet. He had a lot of issues.
Side note: Here is a prayer I used to pray: “Lord, if it is not for me, please do not give it to me. I do not care how much I beg and plead, do not give it to me. And let me be okay with it.”
Well, God always kept His end of the deal. However, I overrode His warnings so many times. Look, I will admit, sometimes I just want what I want. I will ignore the warnings and go after whatever it is. Yes.. that’s me– Shaun. With that said, I am finally learning to listen to and wait on God. Y’all, I am so grateful for His mercy and grace.
As usual, I got sidetracked. Ugh! Trust. I have only been in four relationships. The first three left me wondering what was wrong with me. Why did they choose someone else? My first boyfriend went back to his ex. My second boyfriend married his ex. But then again, I am not sure if they ever really broke up. Guess I was always the side chick. The third… now that was just a bad decision all together. So many lies. But you know what, I cannot be mad. Again, I dodged all kinds of bullets by them leaving me. Today, none of them are with the person they left me for. All I have to say is, God is so good! Of course I was hurt at the time, but looking back, and now seeing how things turned out in their lives, I am so grateful God removed them from my life.
Now the fourth relationship was with my ex-husband. As I have written many times before, he was the rebound guy. He was the total opposite of the others. I was not in love with him. I saw him as the safe guy. My thought was, if I get with him, I will never be hurt. That was a lie. During our first year of marriage, I went out of town for a week only to return home to several calls from a number I did not recognize. As I scrolled through the caller ID (we had house phones back then) I noticed that several calls were received around 2 and 3 a.m. I was like, “I know this is not happening again!” Unlike with the other guys, I confronted him. I asked who was calling him that early in the morning. He said it was the wrong number. I was like, “Really?? Several times?!” So I called the number and his little friend picked up. The first thing I did was ask for her name. Of course she gave me some bogus name. But I already knew who she was. You see, he had been talking about her a few weeks earlier. Crazy, huh!! Well, the joke was on me. The safe guy was not so safe after all. Lol! Unfortunately, I was around five months pregnant and decided to stay. I mean, what were my chances of finding someone who would want to be in a relationship with someone with two kids (my daughter was 8 at the time). A few years ago, he told me that he got me pregnant on purpose because he did not want me to leave him. Wow!
Today, I am looking for a person without any red flags. I know, I am probably not being realistic. However, I am looking for someone who is God-fearing, honest, dependable, trustworthy, and loves me and only me. HA!! Sounds like a want ad– BUT it’s not. And of course I have to love him, too. Y’all, I am just too old for infatuation or lust, so it has to be real love. (Can’t y’all hear Mary J. Blige singing Real Love. I can. Lol!)
Anyhoo.. this was much longer than I expected. Probably going to delete a few things before I publish it. Or perhaps I should publish it as written. I believe the unedited versions are always better. Enjoy your day!
Decided to start my day early. I can finally hear birds chirping. I also hear cars driving in the distance. However, things are pretty still and quiet in my house. Well, besides the hum of the refrigerator. You know what… I think I will sit here for a few more minutes and just be. Yeah.. just BE.
Sitting in my recliner watching episodes of Matlock and In the Heat of the Night. I remember watching these shows, along with the Golden Girls, late at night with my grand-godmother, Momma Kate. It was our nightly ritual whenever I visited. I would sit in her bedroom in the rocking chair, while she laid in bed. We rarely spoke. Just watched our shows. I miss those days. Grateful God placed her in my life. So thankful for the wonderful memories.
Yesterday, I wrote about getting to the root causes of my issues, insecurities and hurts. I said I would use this time to reflect and heal. Well, I decided to tackle my greatest issue– trust.
I am beginningwith trust and friendships because this is where I feel I first learned to trust others. My first friend was my sister. Even as toddlers she was my ride or die. I always knew she had my back. My sister, Yvette, is 15 months younger and a brilliant person. No lie! When we were little girls, I used to tease her because she walked slow, talked slow and was a little chubby. Perhaps I was jealous because she had more book knowledge than me. She was always reading something. I, on the other hand, used more logic, i.e., common sense, to accomplish things. And when I think about it, we have not changed much. Too funny!
Side note: Yeah.. I will admit I was one of my sister’s bullies. Wish I could take it all back because I now know I caused many of the hurts and insecurities she experienced throughout her childhood/early adulthood. And for that, I am so sorry. By the way, when she brought everything to my attention, I apologized. I never meant to hurt my best friend.
Okay, back to my relationship with my first best friend. Y’all, I never had to wish for a playmate nor was I ever lonely. It was always Shaun and Yvette. We came as a pair. As we grew older, our roles began to reverse. She became the more dominant, outgoing person and I took a seat in the background. As teenagers, I loved how she brightened up places with her loud laughs and personality. She was the life of the party. During this time, I was more on a path of building my relationship with God. I was the church girl reading books and falling in love. Today, the roles have reversed once again. I am the outgoing one and she is more conservative. Life.
Besides my sister, I only have one other true best friend. Over the years I have called people my “BFF” (best friend forever), however, this one is my BFF. Her name is Shawn. Yes, another Shaun/Shawn. We met when we were two years old and have been friends ever since. In our 44 years of friendship, we have never had a fight. Honestly y’all, we rarely disagree about anything, or you could say, we agree to disagree and leave it at that. As I said, she is the true definition of a best friend.
Now, there was this one time when she hurt my feelings. It was only that one incident, but it must have really hurt because I still felt the sting just now. It happened when we were in grade school. I believe we were passing each other in the lunch line and I tried to get her attention. As usual, she was busy talking to one of her classmates and never looked my way. I felt ignored. Looking back, I do not think that was the case. She may not have even noticed me because as soon as she got home from school she came over. After that incident, I never quite trusted anyone when they were in the presence of other people, and I still feel the same way today. When someone I know is with one of their other friends or acquaintances, I automatically assume they will treat me differently, or act like I do not exist, so I keep my distance. Clearly this is an issue I need to overcome. As I said before, it is time that I address the root causes of my issues and insecurities.
I believe my relationship with Shawn is special because in our 44 years of friendship, we have never lived in the same city for more than two years at a time. Throughout our childhood our moms moved around a lot. Neither of us lived in one city for more than a few years. When my family lived in Jackson, hers lived in Detroit. When we moved to Topeka, they moved to Chicago. By the time we were in high school, she was in Milwaukee and I was in Junction City. We were always moving. Although we were forever moving, we kept in touch through letters and summer visits with our grandparents. Y’all, we loved to write. We wrote so many letters, back then. Personally, I could not wait to get one of her letters. They were like reading chapters from an adventurous novel. She always had something exciting going on. To this day, I still have a few of her letters from high school and early adulthood.
Eventually, we traded our letters for cards. Now we text and send each other e-cards. We typically call each other once or twice a year, or if the news is too good to put in a text. Yes, we would rather text than call. This is why I love her! We also try to meet up once a year even if it is only to spend a few hours together as we pass through each other’s state. When we turned 45, we decided to start having annual girlfriends retreats. So far we have spent our first two in New Orleans. This year, since the COVID-19 pandemic, we have not decided what we will do. Maybe we will do something spontaneous. We love adventures!
Anyway… y’all know I get sidetracked, lol… a couple of years ago, we decided to redefine our relationship. We are no longer BFFs. We are sister-friends because we are so much more than friends. I guess you can say she set the standards and expectations for other friends that came along, and for those to come.
Of course I have other stories about friends who have come and gone. Some of those relationships resulted in hurts and insecurities. Yesterday, I revisited those pains and released them. People are human. They are who they are. After 46 years of life, I realize people make mistakes. People say and do things that they later regret. As with my sister, I probably hurt them too. And if I did… well, let’s be honest, I know I did… I am truly sorry. We live and we learn.
So most of the friendships I have today, I have had over 20 years. Within the last few years, I believe I have gained 2-3 more close friends. Right now we are still learning each other. Friendship is not something I take lightly. My circle of friends consist of people who respect my space; those who understand my sense of humor (because I often laugh at things that are not funny); and those who understand that when we do things for each other, they are gifts, no repayment expected (not just speaking in terms of monetary gifts, but visits and calls). We encourage each other. We cheer each other on. No jealousy– only admiration. These are the things that have contributed to our long lasting friendships.
Okay, this was about trust between friends. The next trust issue I will address is trusting family members. There are a lot of scars there. I also need to address trust and professional relationships. Y’all, those hurt too. The last one will be trust and romantic relationships. THAT ONE… Whew!! Listen, I cannot guarantee I will share them all, but you never know, I just might.
Watching the sun rise as I watch For Colored Girls. Y’all, I have not watched this movie in ages. I am so glad I chose to watch it today. Been dealing with a few things and this movie is just what I needed. I keep telling y’all, God is so good. He delivers exactly what we need when we need it.
This movie reminded me that many or our hurts and insecurities are so deeply rooted; and unfortunately, many of us have allowed them to control our lives. It is evident by the way we carry ourselves, the way we interact with others, and our lack of self-love. We may be able to fool others, but we cannot fool ourselves. Y’all, we know we have issues.
Honestly, we will never heal if we do not address the root cause of our problems. Yeah.. we have to start with the root. What happened? What hurt us? Who hurt us? When? How? So many questions. Questions that need to be asked. Questions we have the answer to but are afraid to address. Mostly because the truth hurts. Yet, if we do not address them, we will never heal.
For me, this is going to be a long weekend. I have decided to use this time to reflect and heal.
Note: I am choosing to go down this path on my own. I need to. However, you do not have to. I recommend consulting a professional, licensed therapist. I have used their services before. Y’all, therapy works!
Not going to write much. Been listening to Sade all morning. Right now Kiss of Life is playing. Wishing I had someone to love. Most of time I am okay with being alone. I love my space. However, there are times when I do wish I had someone to love. Now, with that said, I AM NOT looking. LOL!Waiting on God.. this time. His timing is best.
Been reading past blogs this morning. As with journal entries, I like to know where I was a year ago. You know, to see if I am on the right path; if I am doing what I said I would do. Below is the link to my blog from May 20, 2019. Little did I know that I was 11 days from my ex-husband finally signing our divorce papers. On that day, I had decided that with or without his signature, I was going to live.
This May, despite COVID-19, I am in a better place – mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. Honestly, during this time last year, I was beginning to feel hopeless. It had been over 4 years since my ex and I had separated, and over a year and a half since the divorce papers were drawn and served. I had not heard from my attorney in weeks. Y’all, I was in a bad place. But on May 20, 2019, something changed. As I said, that was when I decided to live.
Listen, when you give everything to God, miracles happen. Forever grateful.
I could not end this week without testifying about all of my wonderful experiences this week. Smiling as I reminisce. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a movie or I’m living someone else’s life. Then I remember, no, this is definitely my life. Shaun, this is what joy feels like.
Y’all, I wish I could describe the feeling. I would use the word euphoric, but it just sounds so druggish. Reminds me of how Lynn (a character on my new favorite show, Tyler Perry’s Ruthless) feels every time she thinks about that compound. You have to watch the show to understand. Lol. The only difference is, hers was drug induced. However, mine.. HA!.. my joy comes from THE Highest, THE All Powerful, THE ALL Mighty GOD!!! NOTHING compares to my God. Whew!! Let me walk you through my week. Bae-bé, I don’t need no drugs or alcohol to get me high, never have. God has ALWAYS done it for me!
Caution: You may not see joy in any of the experiences I’m about to share. My joy is tailored just for me, as with your own. Enjoy!
Okay… It all began last Sunday. Sunday was Mother’s Day. I took my mom her gifts and hung out with her for a while. Something I have not been able to do since this COVID-19 pandemic. Kept my mask on. Couldn’t hug her. But I was able to visit. Which was a big deal. You see, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do any of this had she been in the hospital. For two years (2018 & 2019), my mom was in the hospital on Mother’s Day. And even when I visited her Sunday, she had a high fever that wouldn’t break. However, she was awake, talkative, and absolutely beautiful. She asked that we not get too close to her for fear of us getting sick. She had decided that if she had anything she was going to ride it out at home. She’s our warrior queen. God still has plans for her. Y’all, I love my momma.
Afterwards, I came home. Disinfected myself. Lol. Then got ready for my gifts, my son and daughter. My daughter brought over homemade quiche, bacon, and freshly cut fruit. A tradition she started years ago. I was ready! As I ate breakfast, we had one of our long, comical family conversations. I really enjoy talking to them. For me, it’s more than listening to their perspectives on life. It’s seeing the expressions on their faces when they talk. It’s their mannerism. It’s their passion. I take all of it in. As I have said countless times, I still cannot believe I’m a mother. Tearing up just thinking about it. Y’all, God chose me, of all people, to raise these two. I am so blessed.
After my daughter left, I decided to watch Michelle Obama’s Becoming on Netflix. Found out Mrs. Obama had a tweet party the day before. I was so disappointed that I had missed it, but then I remembered that everything happens for a reason. Watching it on Sunday was better because I was able to focus on the show instead of reading tweets and tweeting. I needed that calm, me-time, to take it all in. I have always admired our forever First Lady. Always been fascinated by her strength and tenacity. She took blows and kept going. Talk about resilient! I always said that if I ever had an opportunity to have a conversation with her, I would ask how she endured the hard times. Lucky for me, and the rest of us, she wrote Becoming. I read it last year. Then saw her at Essence Festival. However, this documentary was little more special because it gave us her, the person behind the personae. I love transparency and that’s what I got.
Anyhoo.. I’m writing way more than I had planned. Bear with me. Lol!
Like I said, this is pretty long, but I’m on a roll now, can’t stop. Lol. Later that evening, I watched episodes 7 & 8 of Michael Jordan’s The Last Dance. Just the mention of the title makes me excited!! I lived through it. I was there. I experienced it first hand. I wrote about it in my journal. I have memorabilia. Y’all, this documentary has given me life! You can feel MJ’s passion in every play, in every win. He loved the game. He loved the competition. I feel that. I’m not very competitive; however, when I am passionate about something, watch out! That’s all I have to say.
After watching both documentaries, I was on an unbelievable high. Felt like I was floating on clouds. Like I said, I don’t need drugs to make me feel this way. I don’t need money to make me feel this way. It’s something embedded in me that explodes every time these experiences happen. I really can’t explain it. When I make posts on social media about how good God is, most of the time it’s about something God has revealed to me or has allowed me to experience. He’s just good like that. Often, I feel embarrassed after I have these outbursts of joy. To some, I may appear crazy or extra. What they don’t understand is, I’m on this natural high and it feels so good. That night, while looking for photos, I kept finding MJ memorabilia. I found old newspaper articles about The Last Dance. Then I found a Space Jam coin. When I decided to keep these things, I didn’t think that one day people would be talking about the game. I kept them for my own memories. So, as I discovered different things, I started posting pictures on social media. I felt like I had won millions. Again, God is so good. He makes me smile. He makes happy.
Then the rest of the week went down like this. Monday, a Facebook memory popped up of my daughter graduating from undergrad. Talk about emotional. Here we were three years later, and she was preparing to graduate again. Unbelievable! You see, I watched her struggle. I listened to her contemplate her next moves, law school or a master’s degree. All while, I kept reminding her that everything happens for a reason and that whatever happened would prepare her for what’s yet to come. Well, that was Monday.
Tuesday was probably just as extraordinary. Lol. I say this because that night I wrote in my journal that God was so good and that I would elaborate the next morning. Well, I never wrote anything else. So I have no clue of what I was referring to. Too funny! I wonder if that was the day I found out Tyler Perry’s shows, The Oval and Sistas, were renewed for a second season. It could have been that day or Wednesday, but it happened earlier this week. Like I said, it’s the small things that excite me. Both casts were so happy. And I was so happy for them. So that could have been it. Y’all, it really is the small things that have me all excited. Lol.
Wednesday, was the day before my nephew’s graduation ceremony. Yes, he also graduated this week with a master’s in Public Health. Well, while looking for pictures to share, I became frustrated because I couldn’t find two photo albums that held over 30+ years of pictures. I tore my house up looking for those albums. I’m not gonna lie, I had a meltdown. I couldn’t stop crying. That’s when my son decided to start helping me look for them. Now, he picked everything apart. I still have to clean up the mess he made. Unfortunately, I did not find them.. at that time. In the midst of my crying, I heard God say that I had to learn to let things go. That what I had at that moment, was all I needed. Whatever I lost, I had to be okay with losing. Y’all, I stopped crying. I cleaned my face. Ate dinner. Then watched my shows, The Oval and Ruthless. I tweeted so much that Twitter thought I was a robot. Like I said, when something excites me, watch out! Lol. Shoot, I was even tweeting from two accounts. The worst part about being shut down is, you can no longer interact with people. I couldn’t even discuss my shows. I was hurt. BUT. . . I did find my photo albums before I went to bed. I started cleaning up the mess I had made in my closet and decided to look in a storage bin I had already looked in. This time I took everything out and at the very bottom were the two albums and one I had forgotten about. The lesson I learned from that was, when you let go, God will pour out blessings you will never expect to receive. He will always give you more. Y’all, my God is sooo good. I can’t help but brag on Him!
Thursday we celebrated my nephew and my daughter. I made so many posts on social media. I am so proud of them. Well, Thursday was all about them. We had a Facebook Live watch party for my nephew’s graduation. Which was pretty awesome. People who wouldn’t have normally had the opportunity to attend his graduation, got to attend. It was wonderful seeing everyone interacting with each other. Even estranged family members attended. I guess you can say we had a virtual family reunion. So, that day was amazing.
Yesterday (Friday), was my daughter’s celebration. We usually go out to eat at Half Shell Oyster House (another tradition). However, due to COVID-19, we had to make a few changes. I ordered curbside service. Decorated my house to give it the perfect restaurant ambiance. Dimmed lights, tea light candles, jazz playing in the background and food plated like we were at the restaurant. Y’all, it wasn’t the best, but she enjoyed it. Her smile was all that mattered.
It’s Saturday morning. I’m still in bed. Not sure what today holds. What I do know is, God is good and he loves me. His love is unmatched. The joy He gives me is indescribable. Only He can make my heart flutter when I discover something new or see a smile on someone’s face. He is my joy.
As usual, please forgive any errors. Today, I’m releasing myself from the anxiety of perfection. It is what it is. Enjoy!
It’s Shaun’s World 
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