Life

Trying to Understand Why?

Yes, this is my second time writing today. Had to get this off my chest and see if anyone can help me understand, “Why?”. Why is it so difficult for some – not going to say most or all – men to dissociate their child from the child’s mother? Here’s my story:

After several attempts at watching Christopher Nolen’s A Christmas Wish, I finally finished it. For me, it was unbelievably difficult to watch because I felt like I was the mom in the story having to provide for a child without conditional financial assistance from the father. You see, the father (ex-husband) in the story refused to pay child support, but said he would provide everything the child needed if and when she asked. This was the first issue I had. The next was the father’s plea to the mom – “Why don’t you let me take care of you? You know I still love you.” Which brings me back to my original question, why is it so difficult for men to see the mother and child as two separate individuals? Why couldn’t he take care of the child without associating it with his love for the mom?

After I had my daughter, I refused to ask her father for child support. I was not going to beg him to take care of his child. Plus, just like the father in the movie, he kept saying he wanted to take care of both of us. He wanted us to be together. But he was already with someone else. And when I refused, he decided not to provide for her. He told me if I needed anything, to just ask. Well, I didn’t. I believed if he wanted to take care of her he would do it on his own. I mean, mothers don’t have a choice. We do it whether the father is around or not. Well, after a couple of years of my mom telling me I needed to put my pride aside and seek support for my daughter, I did. I filed for child support before I left for Turkey. The agency reported that they were not able to locate him. Then a few months after arriving in Turkey, I received a letter from him stating if I wanted support, he was going to seek joint custody. My daughter was three years old and had never laid eyes on him nor spoken to him. Not because I would not allow it, but because I chose not to be with him. Y’all, he never even spoke to my baby! From birth, I kept him and his parents informed about her progress. I sent pictures. I wrote letters and neither him nor his family made an effort to have a relationship with her. So there was no way I was going to give him joint custody just to receive a check. So, I chose to raise her on my own.

Fast forward to today and my now ex. Almost the exact same scenario. I’m not going to lie, it hurts. Never in a million years did I expect it from him because he knew what I went through with my daughter’s father. So yeah, watching the movie was very difficult. The pain is still very fresh. In the movie, the little girl’s wish was for them to be a family again on Christmas Day, and of course it happened. Well, up until two years ago, I did the family Christmas thing, but ended it because it only gave my ex false hope of us getting back together. Before the next Christmas rolled around, I informed my son that we were no longer going to spend Christmases together. This was also after finally being granted the divorce after over four years of waiting. And guess what? My son was actually okay with it.

Even though it took me several attempts to get through the movie, I did it. It may seem insignificant to you, but it’s an accomplishment for me. Y’all, I really didn’t think I could do it. It hurt too badly. At times I found myself yelling at the television begging the mom not to take him back. Yeah, it was painful to watch.

Here is my takeaway from the movie, or what I needed to come to terms with. Yes, some people settle for package deal because that is what works for them. And guess what? It’s okay. Me, I did not accept the package deal so I must accept the consequences of my actions. Lastly, I have to let it go. My son is 18 and my daughter is 26. There has never been a time in their lives that I was not able to provide for them or did not ask for help when I really needed it. I can no longer beat myself up over the relationship/lack of relationship they have with their fathers because I chose not to accept the package deal. Yes, it’s time for me to let it go.

After I had my daughter, I would often ask her father why he could not take care of her without taking care of me. He said because he loved me and all of us should be together. I’m still bewildered.

If anyone has the answer, please let me know.

Shaun

Life

Hello Sunday

Today’s blog is a song by William Murphy, Praise is What I Do.

Praise is What I Do
by William Murphy
Courtesy of Musixmatch

Come on, song goes like this

Praise is what I do
When I wanna be close to You
I lift my hands in praise (oh, oh, come on)
Praise is who I am (let’s declare it church)
I will praise Him while I can
I’ll bless You at all times (I vow)

I vow to praise You (when you gon’ praise Him church?)
Through the good and the bad
I’ll praise You (whether happy or sad)
Whether happy or sad (I will)
I’ll praise You (thank you Jesus)
In all that I go through (yeah)
Because praise is what I do
‘Cause I owe it all to You

Praise is what I do (even when I’m going through)
Even when I’m going through (say, I finally learned church)
I’ve learned to worship You (yeah, yeah)
(And I declare)
No my circumstance (doesn’t even stand a chance)
Doesn’t even stand a chance (’cause my praise)
My praise outweighs the bad (so I vow to praise)

I vow to praise You (I need somebody to wave your hands and declare)
Through the good and the bad (I will)
I’ll praise You (doesn’t matter how I feel)
Whether happy or sad (I will)
I’ll praise You (in all that I go through)
In all that I go through
Because praise is what I do (I owe)
‘Cause I owe it all to You

This section was omitted from the online lyrics but is included in the song.
[Now I just need someone to open your mouth and give Him a crazy praise.
Somebody send the praise to the nation.
Somebody send the praise to Africa.
Somebody send the praise to China.]

Praise is what I do (open up your mouth church)
(It’s what I do)
It’s what I do
(Yes, church open up your mouth and somebody clap those hands and declare)

Praise is what I do
(It’s what I do)
It’s what I do
(Somebody [send] the praise to Germany)
(Somebody [send] the praise to France)

Praise is what I do (it’s what I do, yeah)
(It’s what I do, it’s what I do)
(It’s what I do)
It’s what I do
(Somebody [send a] praise to [Bankhead])
(Somebody [send a] praise to [Buckhead], yeah)
Praise is what I do
(Yeah)

Source: Musixmatch Songwriter: William Murphy III Praise Is What I Do lyrics © Lilly Mack Music, M3m Music

Be Blessed

Shaun

Life

Love

Or until you read old journal entries. Lol!

I have been writing a lot lately. Guess you can say I have had a lot on my mind. Those darn journal entries! Lol.

Last year during quarantine, I found a few journals I had forgotten about. Well, last night I decided to read one from a couple of decades ago. Have you ever been in love with someone who did not feel the same? I’m not talking about being in a relationship where love is clearly one sided. I’m talking about being in love with a friend. A friend who, from what I read, sent out so many mixed signals. From everything I wrote, one would assume he was somewhat in love with me too, or was he just teasing me – if so, how cruel! The reason I say this is because of some of the things he did and said were not things you would do and say to a friend, but to a lover. Eventually, I told him I loved him. Y’all, I don’t remember doing this and cringed while reading it – how embarrassing! The only reaction from him, that I recorded, was him ghosting me for a week or so then he was back like I never confessed my love for him. And we carried on as usual – late night phone calls when we couldn’t sleep. Going places together. Him cooking for me. Teasing each other. I mean, nothing changed except I learned to keep my feelings to myself.

Eventually, I left that duty station and we remained in touch. After I found myself missing him like crazy, I decided to find someone who would make me forget about him. Boy was that a mistake – a big one! Word of advice, don’t listen to people who tell you the best way to get over someone is to find someone else. From my experience, that NEVER works. Believe me, more than likely you will end up regretting it.

Today, I still talk to my friend, who is now happily married. Until last night, I honestly had forgotten about how in love I was with him. Years ago, when we reconnected, I felt like I had found an old friend. Never once did I think, “I was in love with him.” Now, I will say, I always told people he would have been the one I would have married had he asked. Honestly, I would have done it without hesitation because he was my best friend. I loved being with him and everything about him.

Side note – Y’all, I was really in love with this guy and completely forgot about it. Hilarious!

Anyhoo… talk about transparency. I’m pretty sure if he were to read this, he would know it is about him. It’s okay, though. Those feelings are long gone. I am just happy to be his friend and so happy he found love. One day, the same will happen for me.

Okay.. I believe this is enough transparency for today. Maybe for the year. As usual, thanks for reading my ramblings. Wishing you a fabulous week!

Shaun

Life

Be Persistent: Keep Going

After dealing with death, I often wonder if my dreams and goals are worth pursuing. Like, am I wasting too much time focusing on the unknown when I should be spending more time on what I already have. Then I am reminded that I could actually live to be 100 years old. My dreams and goals are so worth pursuing.

No matter how much I would like to give up at times, or settle where I am, for some reason God will not allow me to. He constantly shows me that there is so much more worth living for, worth pursuing. I have to keep going, even when those I thought would go with me are no longer here or decide to choose a different path. I cannot give up.

Here is a Facebook memory from September 13, 2018:

Good Morning! Here’s today’s social media find. Y’all, persistence is everything. Even when your deadline has come and gone, keep going. The thing you’re working towards will eventually happen. There are moments that I really want to give up (like last night- lol), but God steps in and pushes me forward. He’s persistent!☺️ If it’s meant to be, it will be.

There is no timeline, only God’s timing. Keeping going!

Shaun