Had a crazy dream that I was pregnant. Yes… pregnant!! I had gone to the doctor for something and left with news that I was about to be a mom. I was like, “You got to be lying! I can’t even have babies.” The first and only person I told was my daughter. She kept asking if I knew how far along I was and I didn’t know. I had no clue I was pregnant. The next thing she asked was about the identity of the father. Umm… I didn’t know that either. In the dream, I went from a couple of weeks pregnant to 8 or 9 months before the dad’s identity was revealed. Talk about weird!
What is even weirder is I just read a journal entry from November 25, 2018 where I also had a dream about a baby. In that dream I had had the baby in June, dropped it off at the babysitter’s, and never picked it up. Talk about CRAZY!! Who does that?! I wrote how once I realized I left the baby, which was months later, I was too embarrassed to ask for the address. Y’all, I had forgotten the babysitter’s address!! I wrote that I told my son about my dream and he encouraged me to search online for the interpretation. I’m not sure if I ever did. However, I ended the entry with, “Maybe the baby was part of me. I lost myself and maybe I need to find her again.”
Looking back, I believe that interpretation was pretty accurate. I was losing myself again and I was too embarrassed to let anyone know. As for this recent dream, I’m not sure how to interpret it. I know that I cannot get pregnant so the pregnancy must symbolize something. I guess if I think about it long enough, I’ll find the answer.
As always, I appreciate you reading my random ramblings. Smile. Please enjoy the rest of your week!
I believe God gives us glimpses of hope when we need them most. Whether it is a smile, call, text, social media post, thought, or memory, He always has a way of letting us know better days are ahead. Our situations may not immediately change, but that sliver of hope gives us the push we need to keep going.
Being transparent does not mean sharing everything.
As many of you know, I am a big proponent for transparency. I believe that the more transparent a person is, the more human they are. I have always believed that people need to see the struggle or thought process behind the success in order to believe it for themselves. Well, that’s what I believed up until a couple of hours ago. Now, I’m not so sure if that is true.
Here is what just happened to me (yep.. another transparent moment). Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about a venture. She suggested that I pursue something I had done in the past but not really interested in doing now. We discussed it for a while and I was like, nah, the timing isn’t right. Fast forward to two hours ago when I came across a Facebook memory from 2017 of me actually doing exactly what my friend and I had discussed. Y’all already know I’m emotional. So the first thing I wanted to do was share the news with everyone. I wanted to tell everyone that that was where God was leading me. I wanted to share that that particular memory was the confirmation I needed. God instructed me to only tell my friend, the one who I discussed it with. Instead I shared it on Facebook. Immediately I felt convicted. I knew I was not supposed to share it with everyone. You want to know how I knew? Not even 30 minutes before, on another account, I saw this message and saved it.
Yep.. So I went back and made the post private. I did not delete it because it is still confirmation but also a reminder to be obedient. Allowing God to lead sometimes means I cannot be as transparent as I would like to be, and keeping moves to myself does not make me any less human.
How often have you said, “Thy will be done,” lately? Me, I haven’t. Haven’t said it in a while. I used to say it all of the time, especially when I set out to do something new – new job, new venture, new collaborations, new relationships. I used to pray and ask God if it were in His will to allow it to happen and if not, please allow it to pass. Well, what happened? Why did I stop using my disclaimer (that’s what I call it)?
The answer that comes to mind – I thought I could force whatever I wanted into something that would fit God’s will. I saw the vision. I somewhat know the purpose. However, instead of waiting on God before moving, I thought I would make my own moves to get there. For someone who is always talking about allowing God to lead, I seem to keep falling short in certain areas. It’s as if I do not trust Him with certain aspects of my life. I know that whenever I say, “Thy will be done,” it opens up the doors for any and everything that could possibly happen. In other words, it frightens me. I have witnessed people lose loved ones, become paralyzed, get cancer, and so much more. To me, and I am just being honest, saying that one phrase opens the door for unknown (sometimes bad) things to happen. You could become ill like Job (in the Bible) or get hit with a life that you did not want, something miserable. As I wrote those last few words, God reminded me that Job’s story did not end with him being down. Because of his faithfulness and unwavering belief in God, God restored everything he lost and added more. Job did not live out the rest of his days sick and down, he lived a happy life.
So, who is to say that my worst days are not behind me. Maybe I have already seen my worst. Up until a year or so ago, I used my disclaimer quite often, and God always saw me through the tough times – ALWAYS. Therefore, I must believe that the best is still to come, not the worst. I have to know that saying, “Thy will be done,” releases the shackles I have placed on God and will allow Him to do great things in my life. It is not in His will for me to suffer but to be prosperous. However, I must believe this. And I know from experience, if I only imagine the worst, I will never be open to receive the good. Been through this before. It’s all about mindset.
It’s not Wednesday yet, but it will be by the time I finish writing. I just need to get this out before I go to sleep. Can’t have this heaviness weighing on me.
Warning: This blog is about one of my favorite television shows. Please feel free to stop reading at any time. Believe me, I know it’s not that interesting. I just need to get this off my chest.
Here we go…
I don’t know why certain things bother me so much. Tonight I was watching one of my favorite shows – Tyler Perry’s The Oval – and there was this scene between this married couple that really upset me. Here’s a little of their backstory:
Richard and Nancy have been married for about 24 years. While Richard was deployed Iraq, Nancy had an affair with Richard’s father and had a son. Nancy kept this secret for over 20 years by pretending he was her nephew. Well, after her son was shot and killed she decided to tell Richard the truth – her nephew was actually her son. AND the only reason she told him was because she needed help with paying for her son’s burial. Can you imagine holding a secret like that for years and only confessing because you’re in a bind? Well, that’s what Nancy did. Honestly, I wasn’t as upset about the secret as I was about how she shared the news. She just blurted it out. No shame. No guilt. No remorse. Just blurted it out. She needed Richard’s help and believed that since he was her husband he was supposed to happily give her the money. She could care less about the weight of the news she had just dropped on him. Talk about trifling!
Okay, now on to the part about the baby being his father’s. So, after Richard found out about Nancy’s son, he wanted to know the father’s identity. For weeks he begged her to tell him. Every time he asked, she would blow him off saying it didn’t matter because it was in the past. Well the more she blew him off, the worse things got between them. He kept telling her that all he wanted was the truth. Since she wouldn’t tell him, he decided he would have an affair of his own. Nancy found out about the affair – which never happened because the other lady didn’t want to be in the middle of their mess – and confessed that she had slept with his father. Of course Richard became upset because he assumed his father raped her. Ha! Not the case at all! She actually seduced his father. Said she was lonely. Now that really made him angry. Okay, so maybe this is when he tried to mess around on her but his love interest didn’t want to be involved in their mess. Talk about a smart move on her part. She saw the exit and took it. Lol
Anyway, Richard managed to avoid Nancy for weeks until tonight. Tonight he gave in and I lost all respect for him. Yes, I lost all respect for a fictional character. It was as if the sex made him forget the hurt and betrayal. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. So many people were tweeting how happy they were that Nancy finally got her man back. Ugh.. I was not happy at all. In fact, I was pretty upset. How could he give in that easily. Yes, she apologized with words but her actions didn’t show that she was truly sorry. Yes, she continued to try to love on him hoping he would eventually come around; however.. and here’s the kicker.. she never once acknowledged his feelings. Instead she kept telling him that the affair happened years before and that he shouldn’t be upset because she never did it again. But what difference did that make. Whether it happened over 20 years before or the day before, the pain was still the same, especially since he had just found out.
So here’s why it upset me. I believe if someone hurts you and they are truly sorry for their actions, they will selflessly give you time and space to feel, to be, and to heal; and not discount your feelings. Your feelings matter.
I really needed to get that out. I know the characters are fictional and the drama is definitely fake; however, sometimes things are a little too real. I remember being hurt and feeling betrayed. Even though my feelings weren’t acknowledged, they mattered. One thing I regret is not taking the time to feel and heal. Instead I bottled everything up inside and pretended not to hurt. Now I’m feeling. And healing. What a process.
It’s Shaun’s World 
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