Two years ago, I wrote the following in one of my Wednesday Writings post—
“Progression is the name of the game, right? Smiling. Looking forward to meeting the woman I’m becoming.” – Wednesday Writings, November 30, 2022
That statement has me smiling a huge smile. Cheeks hurt because my smile is so big.
Y’all, I can see the woman I am becoming. I see her, and she’s emerging unafraid and unapologetically. Yes, I see her, and I love her.
Real talk, though. I am so glad I didn’t give up on myself and didn’t settle for things as they were. I can only imagine what my life would be like right now had I settled. I knew the path I was headed down, and it wasn’t a good one. At one point, it was one of suppression, depression, and hopelessness. I also think about my children’s lives and what they would be like today. I am so proud of myself for making decisions that helped me take my life back. Y’all, God is so good. As I have said many times before, I am beyond blessed.♥️
First, I want to thank everyone who said a prayer for me yesterday. It wasn’t easy for me to share how I was feeling. I had actually shared a more detailed post hours earlier, then unpublished it soon afterwards. As I said in my previous post, I hate feeling vulnerable, and openly sharing that much of my life made me feel so. So, thank you for allowing me a space to share because I really needed it. At the time that I posted it, I was on my way from the airport to the hotel and was trying not to start bawling during the ride. However, trying to hold it in was short lived. As soon as I got to the front desk to check in, the tears started pouring out, and I was boohooing all over the place. Y’all, I was so embarrassed, but couldn’t stop. Everyone was hugging me. I mean everyone. Even people waiting in the lobby. I was a mess…
After I got to my room, I FaceTimed my daughter and the first words out of her mouth were, “You look terrible!” And I did! That was my first time seeing myself. Y’all, I had been crying the whole trip—on my to the airport, on the plane, during my layover. The tears just kept coming. The other part of her response was laughter (we tend to do this at the weirdest times). Baby she laughed! And I couldn’t help but laugh too because I looked horrible! She kept apologizing, but said she’d never seen me look so bad in my life. Like I was in some movie or something. Then we laughed even more. I had planned on going to the opening ceremony last night, but was advised by my daughter to sit it out. She was like you already look bad, the last thing you want to do is be crying all over the place. So, I took her advice—even though I really wanted to hear our opening speaker. Then, I went and got something to eat, took a shower, and got in bed.
Y’all, I love my hearts. My son said to let him know if I needed anything. As if he could do much from hundreds of miles away. But his heart was in the right place. When I tell you I am truly blessed.
I don’t know how today will go. I feel much better, now. However, the grief that I experienced yesterday was so unexpected. So, I can only pray that today will be a more pleasant day. Something did come to mind—which could’ve been a trigger—I was attending a conference when my brother died. I was at a state conference in the same city as his hospital. Had seen him the night before. He just kept saying he was tired. So tired. He had been in ICU over a week and they’d tried everything. By the way, he had MRSA, one of the worst staph infections you can get, and it had spread to his heart. We never figured out how he got it. The doctors wanted to try one more surgery to see if it would help or prolong his life. I remember calling my stepmom to tell her I was about to leave the conference to head back to the hospital and she told me not to rush because he was gone. That they were waiting on everyone to make it to the hospital to say our final goodbyes. So maybe I was subconsciously triggered by the conference and it being his birthday. When I tell you life be lifeing for real!
Well, I’m going to end here. Going to turn over and get a few more hours of sleep before I start my day. Can’t wait to mingle, network and enjoy the free food samples. Outside of the National Restaurant Association Show (it’s huge!), our conference has some of the best food vendors. Met one yesterday while waiting for my food. Can’t wait to stop by their booth.☺️
As always, thank you so much for reading. Hopefully what I’ve written makes sense, if not it’s okay. I just needed to write. Now, I need to go back to sleep. However, before I do, I’ll end with this Facebook memory, which is very timely. Can’t make this stuff up!
Facebook Memory: October 6, 2023
You better live! Life isn’t slowing down or waiting for you to catch up. Stop putting everyone else first like they’re more important than you. Listen… and hear me good… No one is more important or more valuable than you are. No one! You’re not being selfish, self-centered or inconsiderate. Nah… You’re just recognizing your worth. Now it’s time you start living in it. Love you!♥️
When I created this blog site, I created it with the intent of sharing a bit of my world with the world. Well, most of my world is my relationship with God. Y’all, I’m still on that note and the past 10 years. When I tell you my life has drastically changed. I used to wonder why people told the same story about overcoming hardships over and over again. They say it’s good for business, and is. However, I see mine a little differently. To me, it’s my opportunity to acknowledge and praise the greatness of God. Y’all, His grace and love are unmatched.
After I shared my last post, I realized those 10 years were so much more than my obedience. They were about me rekindling my relationship with God. A relationship I began at eight years old, and one that I took very seriously when I became a teenager. Then, after I thought I had let God down, it began to fall apart. I was so ashamed of myself for not resisting temptation. Honestly, I’m not sure why I thought I had to be a perfect Christian. It’s funny how I gave grace to everyone else except myself. Then, when life happened to me, I didn’t give it to myself. I always reference my marriage because it was during that time when my relationship with God basically ended (nothing to do with my ex, I actually hindered his worship). Now, don’t get me wrong, I knew God was still God, but I felt like I had lost all privileges to communicate with Him. I knew I had entered something sacred and knew I shouldn’t have. I was just so disappointed with my life and God not stopping me from making the first mistake I made. I mean, He was God, right? So, why didn’t He stop me?! Y’all, I’m just being completely honest and transparent about how I felt. It wasn’t until much later, during that four year long divorce process, that I realized I had been punishing myself for years. Those crazy decisions I made were punishment because I felt I did not deserve better. And y’all, all that time God was loving me.
So, when I say that things make me a bit emotional, or I am forever praising God for one thing or another, it’s because I am no longer in that bondage I had created for myself. Y’all, I’m actually free!!
All praises to God!
Okay, this time I’m done for real. Just had to share my testimony. Listen, there’s nothing like being mentally and spiritually free.
This is so true. Everyone cannot handle our truths. It took me a very long time to realize this—basically, a lifetime. For years I believed people wanted to know the authentic version of me. I thought I could be free and open with people who seemed to like me. It took many heartbreaks and letdowns to learn that most people didn’t want to know the real me, they only wanted to interact with and know the version they could tolerate (not accept). This is why I only have a handful of close friends, and my closest get to experience all of me.
In one of my very first blog posts (June 2018) I wrote—
“It’s not easy being transparent in a world that glorifies what’s fake and shuns reality. Reality isn’t pretty. Reality shows vulnerability– the bumps, bruises and scars.”
This blog site, “It’s Shaun’s World,” was originally created to be a space where I could be authentic and transparent. I really wanted to share my world with others. However, over the years I learned to tone it down and only release bits and pieces of me in small doses. Not everyone likes happiness. Some don’t like quirkiness. And many don’t like when people share their vulnerabilities with the world. Those are things I guess are supposed be kept private or only shared with friends or a therapist. I believed people wanted to know the human side of people—because that’s what I want to get to know, the real—when in reality they only want a character.
Anyhoo… I could go on and on. Here’s what I shared two years ago.
Facebook Memory: August 16, 2022
“Being transparent has its limits. Our lives were never meant to be an open book for all to read. Knowing when, what and with whom to share is vital. Everyone can’t handle your truth.♥️”
Yes, unlike in 2018, I now know this is true. Everyone can’t handle my truth—which is the reason I sometimes write posts that I never share—even when they’re my true experiences. Not everyone would or could understand, and that’s okay.
Well, that’s my truth for now. I pray you have a lovely Friday and beautifully, blessed weekend. Love you!♥️
On July 19, 2021, I shared the image above with the caption, “Stay strong. Stay focused. You’ve got this.” I even have it pinned to one of my pages.
Stay strong. Stay focused.
Seems like that’s been the story of my life. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve always had to be the strong one. I’ve always had to be the focused one. What would ever happen if I no longer wanted to be the strong one, or no longer wanted to be focused. Would the world fall apart? Would my world fall apart?
Transparent moment…
I’m not sure what’s going on with me. This past week has been mentally and emotionally draining. Last Friday I met up with my sisters and their families for a weekend reunion. It was great seeing everyone and their families. I was solo.
Solo
I didn’t think it would bother me as much as it did. Not even sure why it is bothering me now. This is where the, “Stay strong. Stay focused,” has always come in and rescued me. I would redirect my attention so that I would not feel (even though I am an emotional person) whatever negative feelings I was feeling at the moment. As I have mentioned before, I hate feeling sad or anything negative. So, I tend to seek out positive, uplifting things, which I believe we should. However, do I ever fully process those negative feelings? Hmm… I believe I allow the process to get to a certain point and then pull back. Sometimes I believe I pull back because I was always led to believe God doesn’t want us to feel anything negative.
Y’all, just listening to myself process my emotions have me thinking about the movie, “Inside Out.” I have only seen the first movie but have heard so much about the sequel. Maybe I’ll go see it today.
Anyhoo… let me get back on track. As I was saying, I was led to believe negative emotions were not godly so I would force myself to find positive things or “get over it.” Well, I am tired of getting over it and being strong and being focused. Honestly, it’s not even me, it’s like my soul is tired of me not allowing myself to process those feelings. So, this time, whether I like it or not, it’s happening. I have even found myself being honest this week when people have asked how I’m doing. I have responded with, “Not well. Nothing major. Don’t feel like going into details.” Does it make me appear vulnerable or weak? Perhaps. But it’s the truth. I can hear people saying, “Never let people know when you’re down.” Yeah… that’s what I have done the majority of my life and I am tired. I’m tired of not fully feeling. I believe I have to fully feel and process my feelings before I can move forward. If this means appearing weak, so be it. As I stated in my original message, my purpose is greater than my distractions. And me worrying about what others think is a distraction.
Today, my focus is on feeling every ounce of what I am feeling. No holding back. No redirecting. It’s time to feel so I can fully heal.
That’s all I have at the moment, which I guess is enough. And for those who cringe because you think I am oversharing, please move on. It’s your voices that have kept me from fully feeling. Instead of criticizing me, please send up prayers for a complete healing because it’s what I would do for you. Love you.♥️
Perceptions can be very deceptive and lead to unwarranted mistrust. We must be mindful not to confuse what we perceive to be true with the actual truth.
Trust God.
This was written two years ago and is so relevant today. Perceptions can be deceptive.
A few years ago, I posed this question—“What do you want?”. Smiling as I think about it. Of course, all kinds of things popped into my head when I thought of the things I wanted. However, what I really, truly wanted weren’t things at all, it was peace. Peace within.
Well, I’m so happy to report that I found the peace I was searching for. Listen, all kinds of craziness can be happening around me and I always find myself at peace. Now, it doesn’t always happen instantaneously. Sometimes I find myself wanting to join the chaos or allow things to linger; however, God has a way of easing the peace in. Y’all, He is so smooth. I just love the way He loves me. Favored & Blessed
Here’s today’s Facebook memory.
Facebook Memory: June 12, 2021
What do you want? Simple question, yet not always easy to answer. Most of the time when we’re asked this question we respond based on our desires at that particular moment or where we are in life. Quick and easy answers will suffice in the moment; however, deep down we know there’s so much more. When was the last time you asked yourself what is it that truly want out of life?
I planned for peace. I sought it out, and God gave it to me.
Of course, I want more than peace. However, what I am beginning to see is the peace I asked for is opening doors and making room for other things I desire. Honestly, I am just letting God do His thing and bless me as He sees fit. He knows best, and His blessings are above anything I could have ever imagined or dreamed.
Last night, my son asked if this is where I pictured myself at 50. And my response was, I never even imagined 50 (from an adolescent/young adult standpoint). I had no idea I would experience life the way I have. Yesterday, I attended an event for women veterans. At even 18, I never imagined I would join the military. Had no clue I would have my first child a few years later. Didn’t know I would live in Germany or Turkey. I mean, soooo much has happened since then. So, making it to age 50 is such a wonderful blessing and feeling. I have a home. I’m healthy. My kids are healthy, and they are thriving adults. And…I am finally living in the peace I asked for.
Side note: I keep stressing the peace part because I used to let things bother me. Like really bother me. I was what people referred to as a “worrier.” Felt like if I wasn’t worried about something then I wasn’t living or I didn’t care. Oh, how life has changed. I am so loving this space I’m in, and loving life over 50.
Well, I think this is it for today unless I decide to add something later. Also, I don’t believe I sent you well wishes today. So I am doing it now. I pray your day is exceptionally beautiful.♥️
Listen, I couldn’t help but smile when I came across one of today’s Facebook memories (included at the end). My only response when I shared the post seven years ago was, “I’m ALL IN!”
Thinking back, I thought being committed to the process would be a cakewalk. That being “ALL IN” meant it was only up from there. It’s funny how I did not account for the unpredictability of life. Nah… when I said I was all in, I just knew I would conquer every obstacle successfully the first time. Laughing because I had no idea of the roller coaster ride that was ahead. No idea that I would go through some of the same experiences (different situations with different people) multiple times before I could actually move forward. I didn’t know that I would self-sabotage opportunities or be used or abandoned by people who I thought had my back. Nah… you see, when I declared I was “all in,” I was at a point in my life where life was good. I was finally coming out of the trenches, and I could only see up from there. And up is where life has gone, but not without a few bumps, hiccups, and lessons along the way.
So, here is what I have learned over the past seven years. Being fully committed is a process. It’s a decision I make daily. No lie. Y’all, there are so many mornings when I wake up motivated and pumped, then by noon I want to throw in the towel because this commitment thing too hard. Listen, when I tell you God loves me! It’s God’s love, patience, presence and guidance that keeps me going. He always sends me just what I need in those moments that give me the strength and confidence to press forward.
Here is something else I have learned. The product of commitment is not for display. It’s not something to take pictures of and post for others to see. No, this commitment is sacred. It’s between myself and God. It’s a space that no one else has access to. Unlike back then, and even up until a year or so ago, I felt the need to show people what God was doing behind the scenes. I thought it was more important for me to show/share what God was doing than to let it happen authentically. I did it to be transparent. I was so big on transparency. Little did I know, my transparency was limiting my experiences with God. I was so focused on sharing the process and my testimonies that I couldn’t fully comprehend or embrace what I was experiencing. Whew!When I tell you I am loving this space I’m in! I am finally in a space where only God and I reside—a space that is exclusively for two. No guests allowed.
Growth!
Anyway, I believe I have written enough. I may or may not delete a few things. However, I believe leaving it as written is probably the most authentic. So, I’ll keep it all. See how easy that decision was.Smile
Here’s the Facebook memory I have been referring to—“Are You All In?” by Bishop T. D. Jakes.
Y’all, let me tell you how MY God works! Listen! I am forever in awe of Him!!! When I tell y’all He loves me!
Okay… so I was just about to share an entirely different Hello Sunday. Had written about a few things that were on my mind. Nothing deep but some self-reflections I was having at the moment. Then, as I was finishing up, I was reminded of one of the gems I found in my Facebook memories this morning. Baby, when I tell you I immediately stopped writing! Here’s the gem I found. Didn’t know I would need this message so soon.
Facebook Memory: October 15, 2018
Good Morning! A friend shared this with me, so I’m sharing it with you. Everyone’s not in your corner. Some people can’t wait to see you fail. But God’s got you!
Discernment is so important, as well as listening to that still small voice.
Listen, I was definitely about to share a few of my weaknesses. As the song says, “God blocked it!” Whew!
Y’all, we really have to be careful about what we share and with whom. For years, I have freely shared my stories. I have had one crazily, adventurous life and I love sharing it. With this being said, there are certain parts that I only share with people I feel I can trust, or with those I believe would benefit from those experiences. I mean, other people’s experiences have helped me so why wouldn’t I use mine to help others. Well, I am finally learning to listen to that still small voice. When it says be quiet, I hush.
It wasn’t until recently that I finally realized that people will actually use your weaknesses against you. I know I sound naive but I honestly did not believe this to be true. I thought because I would never use someone’s weaknesses against them, they wouldn’t use mine against me. Again, I am learning.
That’s all for today. So glad God stopped me before I shared my other blog. Again, it wasn’t anything deep but something that did not need to be shared. At least, not at this moment. Wishing you a wonderful, peaceful day.
The other day while I was doing a little soul searching, I had one of my aha moments. My journey, my world, is an experience that is meant to be shared in real time. As I have said many times before, if I wanted transparency from others, I needed to be transparent myself. My tests and testimonies are meant to be shared now, daily; not in a book later.
Y’all, my life is not perfect. You’re surprised, right?! Laughing. Nope, it’s far from perfect. Here I am, 50 years old, and still do not have life figured out. Sometimes I feel like a twenty year old who believes they still have time to make mistakes until they figure out what works for them. Then there are other times when I feel like I need to buckle down and be serious about life. The latter usually happens after I see people with their stuff together.
Honestly… and I am being so transparent and serious right now… I cannot pinpoint exactly when my life changed. Most of my life I was so serious about what I wanted out of life and was adamant about getting it. Yes, there were setbacks, but I always bounced back with a force to be and do better. I had dreams and goals. Now it’s like my drive is gone. Seems like I spend most of my time chasing the drive rather than the dream. My momentum seems to come in spurts. Basically, I’m tired.That’s it! I’m tired. I’m tired of being in charge. I’m tired of making decisions. I’m tired of taking care of everybody and everything. I’m tired of chasing a forever moving target. I have been in charge of, taking care of, and making decisions for other people since I was around five years old (that’s as far back as I can remember having to do so) and I am straight tied (not tired).
One of my life long goals was to retire before age 50 and live out the rest of my life doing whatever I pleased. Well, I actually retired twelve years ago. While I was manifesting my retirement I should have been manifesting some good money to go along with the retirement. Just saying. Laughing.
I can’t lie, I am actually living in what I wanted, what I manifested (I’m telling you it’s real). So why am I 1) still trying to do things I really do not want to do and 2) not fully enjoying this time I have been blessed to have? Again, it’s like I am chasing a drive that’s no longer here instead of resting in God’s goodness as I should be.
I’ll figure things out sooner or later. I guess this is what Year50 is all about–figuring out how I truly want to live out the rest of my life. Will I continue trying to do things I have no desire to do (because it’s surely not working) or do what I really want to do?
Anyhoo… only time will tell. I pray y’all have a wonderful weekend. Love you!♥️
It’s Shaun’s World 
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