Life

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I don’t even know where to begin. What happens when what you thought happened and what really happened, aren’t the same?

Been reading journal entries from 1992. Many entries were significant. However, this particular entry – written a few weeks before I left for basic training – hit me like a ton of bricks! Y’all, for almost 30 years I have been retelling this one particular story all wrong, very wrong. Well… maybe I have or maybe not. You decide. I do know that the way I remembered what happened has significantly influenced my life and decisions I have made over the years.

Here is how I have been telling it. How I remembered.

“Blue Eyes (y’all know I don’t use names) and I were sitting in the stairwell when I told him I had joined the Air Force. I could see he was disappointed. The words he said next have haunted me for years – ‘You’re just going to end up pregnant and alone.’ And he was right. I ended up pregnant and alone.”

Well… here is what I wrote on May 4, 1992.

“Blue Eyes said that I’ll probably end up married before I come back.”

Hmmm….. not pregnant and alone. Nothing about me getting pregnant or being alone. Did I really make it all up? Or at the time that I wrote the entry, was it not that significant? Could it be that I did not remember the rest of our conversation until I found out I was pregnant?

Well, for almost 30 years I felt like trash whenever I retold that story. I felt like he thought I was not worthy of love or marriage. As if I was destined to be alone. Did I project this on myself based off of something I thought I remembered? Why did I not remember the married part? Had I gotten married instead of pregnant, would I have remembered?

Sadly, I allowed one story, remembered incorrectly or partially, to control my life. Yes, it has actually controlled my life. It has controlled how I have perceived my worthiness. For years I have always seen myself as a single mother. Of course I eventually got married, but in my mind I was still a single mom. What is even more crazy is, I got married because I wanted to prove my worthiness. That I was worth more than being “pregnant and alone.” You know, sometimes it’s not the big things that happen to us that bothers us the most but the tiniest. Y’all, what I thought I remembered hurt me to my core.

Honestly, I really do believe he said it because I remember the pain from that conversation. It was not a good feeling. And to think that was the last conversation we ever had.

Today, I am releasing all of the remnants from that conversation. How I perceive myself today, and my worthiness, is not based on some conversation in a stairwell almost 30 years ago. From here on out I will no longer view myself as a single mom but as someone who is single with two beautiful children who is worthy of love and marriage.

Resetting my life. Feeling free!

Listen, you better get you a journal.

Shaun

Life

Facebook Memory: Take the Leap

Smiling! Still can’t believe I did it!!

When I wrote this post, never in a million years did I think I would leave my job. I was pretty comfortable where I was. Back then, my idea of leaping was creating a better consulting business for me to do on the side. Never did I think this would become my primary source of income. I am soooo happy I took the leap. Like I said, I’m smiling. God is good!

Facebook memory: September 16, 2019

It’s Monday! Here’s #TodaysSocialMediaFind. Where do you want to be? Are you actively moving towards it, or sitting and waiting for something to happen? I hate to break it to you, if you’re just thinking about it, it’s not going to happen. You have to get up, get moving and take a leap. Then you have to continue leaping- one leap after another.

So you know, I’m speaking to myself just as much as I’m speaking to you. I can’t afford to be stagnant. Gotta keep moving and leaping. Have a blessed week!

God Is Working
Keep Leaping
Then keep leaping!

I DID IT! And you can too. Have a blessed day!

Shaun

Life

Wednesday Writings

Hey y’all! I almost forgot that today is Wednesday.

Everything is good here. This week has been pretty busy. Which is a good thing. Today’s blog will be very brief.

Here is an excerpt from a journal entry written on September 15, 2017:

I am a conqueror. I was placed here for a reason. Everything I’ve been through, and the dreams I’ve had, are preparing me for something greater.

Remember, you too are a conqueror and was placed here for a reason. SHINE!

Shaun

Life

September 14, 2015

Found a prayer I had written in my journal six years ago. Thought I’d share.

Have a blessed day!

Shaun

Life

Be Persistent: Keep Going

After dealing with death, I often wonder if my dreams and goals are worth pursuing. Like, am I wasting too much time focusing on the unknown when I should be spending more time on what I already have. Then I am reminded that I could actually live to be 100 years old. My dreams and goals are so worth pursuing.

No matter how much I would like to give up at times, or settle where I am, for some reason God will not allow me to. He constantly shows me that there is so much more worth living for, worth pursuing. I have to keep going, even when those I thought would go with me are no longer here or decide to choose a different path. I cannot give up.

Here is a Facebook memory from September 13, 2018:

Good Morning! Here’s today’s social media find. Y’all, persistence is everything. Even when your deadline has come and gone, keep going. The thing you’re working towards will eventually happen. There are moments that I really want to give up (like last night- lol), but God steps in and pushes me forward. He’s persistent!☺️ If it’s meant to be, it will be.

There is no timeline, only God’s timing. Keeping going!

Shaun

Life

My September 1st

I really don’t know where to begin. Yesterday, September 1, was surreal. I am still trying to process it all, but I really don’t want to. Last week I shared that my Aunt Beaulah had passed. Yesterday morning we learned of one of my mom’s younger stepbrothers passing. Then hours later, her aunt, my great aunt and late grandfather’s only sibling, passed. Marvin was in Georgia and Aunt Deloris was here in Mississippi. Neither were COVID related.

My Aunt Beaulah (dad’s sister) had been suffering for years. Over her adulthood she’d had multiple strokes and heart attacks. We always joked that she was like a cat with nine lives. However, this last time she did not bounce back. My dad had three sisters, two of which passed nearly forty years ago. So for years she had been his only baby sister. Up until last year, it was my dad, two uncles and Aunt Beaulah. Last summer my Uncle Sam passed. Now Aunt Beaulah is gone. There are only two of them left. My heart aches for my dad and Uncle Bob. Neither are in good health. I can only imagine what it must feel like to be the last ones standing. As I said, I am still trying to process it all.

My Aunt Deloris (mom’s aunt), who actually read my blogs, was my girl! Now she could tell a good story. The last time I visited her, I told her that I was going to record her stories about her childhood. I explained how I wanted to capture her voice as well as her story so that future generations would be able to hear her speak. My plan was to do it this weekend when I visited for my Aunt Beaulah’s burial. I guess you could say God already knew it would never happen the way I had planned. He knew I would not have time to do things “just right.” Last year, as we celebrated her 75th birthday, I recorded her reciting names from our family tree dating back to the late 1800s. Perhaps that was all I needed to record. I also took pictures of names and dates of births and deaths that were kept in a bible her mother handed down to her. She was all about family. She loved us and we loved her dearly. She will be missed.

Marvin, my mom’s little brother, one of my first playmates, will definitely be missed. Words cannot even describe how I am feeling about his death. He was only a few years older than me. No one knew this but Marvin was the first person I told about me contemplating my divorce. I needed to tell someone and that someone happened to be him. Although I did not ask him to keep it between us, he did. That was the kind of person he was – loyal, a true friend and confidant. I am forever grateful for the time we got to spend together. Earlier this summer, he was diagnosed with cancer, which had already progressed to stage 4. During my trip to Atlanta, we had planned to visit but opted for FaceTime instead. That was the last time I actually saw him. Our last text was almost two weeks ago. He will also be missed.

Y’all, I’m in a daze. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to cry. I feel like I’m tiptoeing around my own feelings trying not to reminisce too much. I was so excited about this new month of September. Said I wanted to do something different. Little did I know this month was going to start off like this. I am still optimistic that this will be a wonderful month full of opportunities and adventures even if I have to intentionally make them happen.

Y’all be blessed.

Shaun

Rest well, Aunt Deloris.
Rest well, Marvin.