Today I am choosing to be present. To actively live in each moment. That is what I did on my birthday; and honestly, that was one of the most peaceful days I have ever experienced in my life. No lie. No anticipations– just went with the flow. Y’all, I even worked on my birthday and did not feel the least bit of anxiety because I was not doing what I had planned. That day, I actually let go and allowed life to happen. And guess what– everything worked out perfectly. So today, with God’s help, I know I can do it again.
Yesterday was so AMAZING! I laughed.. and danced.. and sang.. and ate.. took selfies.. and danced some more. Yesterday I let loose! As the old people used to say, I cut a rug!! LOL! I had no worries or complaints, ONLY laughter and love. Yesterday, I was me– authentically ME!
Before I end, I have to give a shout out to my two. Y’all, I know I say it all of the time, but I truly have the BEST children in the world. They know me so well! They embrace my quirkiness, which allows me to be free. I am so blessed to have children who love ALL of me.
Here are a few pictures from yesterday. Y’all, they made me a selfie wall. Lol. For those who know me, know I am the worst photographer but I LOVE taking pictures, especially selfies.
My babies and I celebrating my 47th birthday. Selfies!
I really need to be asleep. Have to be on the road in a few hours. Today we are honoring my great aunt, Aunt Deloris. She will be 75 next month. She told us that she wanted her roses while she was still here, and ain’t nothing wrong with that! So, today is her day. I cannot wait to see her. Wish I could love on her but with cases of COVID-19 steadily increasing, I will love her from afar. Being in her presence will be more than enough.
Anyway… I cannot seem to turn off my mind. Been thinking about events that have taken place over the past month. Especially events in Mississippi.
In June 2014, we celebrated the 50th anniversary of Freedom Summer 1964. I watched the documentary (click link attached to Freedom Summer 1964) a few days before my 41st birthday. Side note: Since the city of Hattiesburg had a significant role in the movement, the documentary was shown at The University of Southern Mississippi prior to being aired on television (which aired on my birthday- Woohoo!). After watching that documentary, my brain started working overtime. I had all kinds of ideas about doing a follow-up documentary about Mississippi, 50 years later. I had so many questions and was eager to find answers.
As I stated earlier, the events that have taken place over this past month reminds me of Freedom Summer 1964. However, this time the white people who are marching and volunteering along side Black Mississippians are actually Mississippi residents. Unlike Freedom Summer, they did not travel here from other states. Many were born here. Some are descendants of those who opposed change in the 60s. In the documentary, someone said, “Crack Mississippi and you crack the whole South.” Well . . .
Anyhoo.. I need to go to sleep. My alarm goes off in less than two hours. I’ll probably hit the snooze several times before I actually get up. I am so excited about seeing everyone… from a distance, that is. Lol
By the way, I am way too sleepy to proof this. So forgive any errors.
Hellooooo Sunday! Y’all, in 10 days I will be 47! Like.. really.. almost 50. Like, almost half a decade! WHAT?! Y’all, I’m finally excited!!!
This month started off very depressing. I did not feel like celebrating, at all. All I wanted was for this month to pass. Actually, I wanted this year to hurry up and pass. Over the years, I have always said that I loved adventures. Well, 2020 has been one great adventure, and I am ready for this adventure to end. Honestly, I don’t even think we have reached the apex yet. I believe we are still climbing. I just pray that whatever is to come does not rock this world more than it has already. Hopeful.
Okay… that was getting dark. Back to my birthday. Last year, I spent my birthday volunteering at a summer camp teaching 4th graders about the benefits of choosing healthier snacks. So when asked if I could teach a class on that day, I immediately agreed. Y’all, I was on cloud nine! I felt like a kid again. Like I was a little girl preparing to play school with my siblings and little cousins. It brought out the child in me. I could not wait to start planning.
That was my celebration with the kids. At the end of the week, I celebrated with friends and family. I called it my freedom party– 46 & FREE! Exactly seven days before my birthday, the judge signed my divorce papers! I was FINALLY free!! So I celebrated!
A little over a week later, my best friends came down and we took a girl’s trip to Essence Festival. Talk about a wonderful birthday! I had so much fun.
So, what will I do this year? I am finally excited enough to start planning. My children and sisters have been asking me all month what I want to do. Happy to say I have made a few decisions. I plan to spend the day of my birthday at the zoo with one of my sisters and her children. I really want to see them have fun. Children tend bring out the kid in me. Y’all, they have me acting all crazy and Ilove it! Then, that weekend, I plan to spend it with another sister and niece. Not sure if I will do anything in between. Will definitely spend time with my two babies.. umm.. I mean– young adults. Lol
Y’all, I am truly blessed. God has blessed me to live this long, so why not celebrate. Oh… before I end, last night I dreamt I had dyed my hair cotton candy pink for my birthday. Hmmm….
Y’all, I might even surprise myself for my birthday! Lol. NOW, I’m excited!
Mary J. Blige’s My Life has been playing over and over in my head since yesterday morning. Can’t turn it off. This one part seems to be stuck on repeat. Mary is singing–
Life can be Only what you make it When you’re feeling down You should never fake it Say what’s on your mind And you’ll find in time That all of the negative energy It will all decease
Thank You, God For allowing me to see another week. For giving me the opportunity to make this week better than last. Please forgive me for not fully trusting You as I should.
Thank You For not allowing me to give up when I felt I could not go on. For comforting me when I felt down. For loving me when I felt unloved.
Thank You For being YOU– Omnipotent & Omnipresent! Lord, I am forever grateful for Your love, mercy and grace. ALL praises to You!
Character: the mental or moral qualities distinctive to an individual
Over the past week, or anytime something major happens, and I do not respond or react the way others do, I begin to question myself. Like– Am I not normal? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I not visibly outraged like everyone else? I care. I feel. I am angry. I am disgusted and disappointed and frustrated. I am all of these things. Yet, people may never know it because I do not show it. Why? Hmm… It finally dawned on me that I am not that person. That is not who I am. So why force myself to respond like others if it does not come naturally. Y’all, it is not my character.
I can think of so many incidents throughout my life where people have told me how they would have reacted differently to the same situations. For example– just because I feel like writing– when I was in my early twenties, I had gotten off work early and stopped by my boyfriends place to surprise him. Little did I know, I was the one in for a surprise. I found him in bed with another girl. I stood beside the bed and causally asked them a few questions, like- “What are y’all doing?” “Why didn’t you lock the door?” You know, questions anyone would ask. After receiving my answers, I sat down and waited for her to leave. Y’all, I remember this big brass lamp being on the nightstand. For a second, I considered bashing his head in. Yep… I could visualize the entire scene. However, I chose to remain calm. Even our conversation afterwards was calm. He kept saying things like, “I know you want to hit me,” and “Just let me have it!” If “Boy, bye” was a phrase back then, I would have definitely used it. Every time I tell someone this story, they tell me that they would have responded differently. Most say they would have fought him and the girl. But why?? Was I hurt? YES!! I thought I was in love with him. But, the consequences that would have resulted from that moment of gratification, would have been costly.
Now, have I ever acted out of character before? HA!! Of course! When I was ACTING! Whenever I have to give people what they expect, it is called acting. And y’all, I hate acting. Whenever I have to cuss to get my point across, that.. my friend.. is acting. You see, whenever I am hurt or angry, I become very quiet. I do not say much. I just act. Y’all, this is my character.
I decided to write this because it is something that has been weighing on me for a while, even before George Floyd’s murder. As I said, after something major happens, whether national or personal, my response is always a little different from others. Hence, the reason I always refer to myself as being unique or quirky. The way I react or respond may not be what is typically expected. Y’all, I was going through a crazy divorce for over four years and I rarely said a word about it or spoke badly about my ex. There were so many things I could have said or done, but chose not to. Shoot.. I can barely cuss when writing, because again, it is justnot in me.
Today, I am so grateful for those who choose to accept me for who I am. Those who understand and respect my true (not the act) character, as I do theirs. From this day forward, I will no longer question myself based on how others think I should react or respond. Y’all, people will have you angry with yourself only to come around and agree with you later. Honestly, in the end, the only opinion that matters is God’s.
It’s Shaun’s World 
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