My life. My world. Love, hope, peace, joy & happiness.
Good Evening!✨
I wanted to share an update to this morning’s post, “I Need To Get This Out, Please Bear With Me.” In short, I’m feeling so much better. I decided to drive up for the funeral today instead of waiting until tomorrow. And I’m glad I did. As much as I wanted to be alone, I needed to be around family. I needed the love, laughs, and hugs. God is good.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! I needed them. Wishing you a peaceful, relaxing evening.🙏🏽♥️
Love you always,
Shaun
Good Morning☀️
Y’all, I need to get this out before I take on today and this weekend. Been holding it in too long.
Momma is dead.
Grandma Velleria (momma’s stepmom) is dead.
They are both gone and I am hurting.
Now, I’ve said it.
I’ve acknowledged it.
But it still doesn’t seem real. My soul feels it, my body even feels it because the tears won’t stop flowing; however, there’s a disconnect somewhere. Not sure where, but it’s there.
I have tried and wished I could skip today and everything this weekend will bring. Not only is today the anniversary of my mom’s death, but it’s also the day of Grandma’s wake, and tomorrow’s her funeral and the next day, Mother’s Day.
Can I scream?!
Is it alright to SCREAM?!!!
I hate funerals.
I hate feeling sad.
I feel terrible because I have only texted one of her children and posted hearts and praying hands under the others’ Facebook posts. That’s about all I could and can manage right now. I love them and feel their pain, but I’m also not ready to acknowledge with them that she’s gone.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even be mentioning it now if I hadn’t woke up to a text from my bestie reminding me to celebrate both women this weekend with laughter and fond memories. UGH!!!! Of course she meant well but I didn’t want the reminder. I didn’t even tell her Grandma had died. She saw it on Facebook. I haven’t even mentioned it our group chats. Shoot, I haven’t even chatted since Grandma passed last week. I’ve been avoiding it. Now, it’s here.
I can’t run from it.
I can’t hide from it.
I can’t keep acting like I don’t feel the pain.
It’s here.
Yeah… I’m feeling a lot this morning. I was going to share something uplifting but decided to go on and get my feelings out the way. Get this cry out and carry on.
I miss my momma. I can’t even look in the mirror without seeing her in myself. I wish I could’ve taken her pains away—not only her physical pain but the pains of life. All she wanted was to be accepted, respected, and loved. I wish I could give her a good hug just one more time.
Grandma Velleria will be so missed. She was not the typical grandmother most people my age or older would think of at first thought. She loved life and lived; however, not before going through years of abuse and mistreatment—mostly from my grandfather. They had that Rick James–Teena Marie kind of love. They were together in the 70’s and early 80’s so things were WILD! But once she got away from him, baby, she LIVED! Up until she passed, you could find her listening to music and dancing. She was the life of the party and the light of the family.
Grandma was her mother’s only child. She left behind six of her eight natural children and two stepsons, my uncles. She had nearly 20 grandchildren, and I can’t even begin to list the number of great-grandchildren and their children. Her presence will definitely be missed.
That’s all for now. Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings, something I probably need to do more often. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers this weekend.
Wishing you a wonderfully, blessed weekend. May yours be filled with lots of love and joy.♥️
I love you always,
Shaun
Good Morning☀️
As much as I have been trying to avoid the subject, it’s not going away. On this day two years ago, I spoke to my mom for the last time while she was awake—not coherent or even alert, but awake. She had talked for two days nonstop. When I say nonstop, I mean for the entire 48 hours. She had had conversations with people who had passed away, people who were in the room who I couldn’t see, and every now and then, she’d talk to me. I didn’t ask the nurse for anything to help her sleep because, for the first time in decades, she wasn’t in any pain or uncomfortable. She was just talking. So, I let her talk. I still remember her asking for breakfast almost every hour during the last night of her conversations. It was like talking to a toddler who wouldn’t go to sleep—“Go to sleep, and when you wake up, your food will be here.” She’d be quiet (but whispering, I could hear her😂) for 15-30 minutes before she would ask again, “Is it time to eat breakfast?”
While looking through my photos this morning, I found the last picture I took of her while she was awake. I remember sending it to my sisters to show them she was okay and had finally stopped talking. The more I look at it, the more I can see that she was actually gone. Her body was still functioning, but she wasn’t there. The time stamp was 8:37 PM on May 4, 2023. Here’s a TikTok video I shared that evening at 9:48 PM. I had no clue that only a few hours later she would have her second seizure of the week and never regain consciousness. She died on May 9th, a few days before Mother’s Day.
Here’s a photo taken a few weeks after she had me. Y’all, I can’t believe she died before my 50th birthday.💔
A few days ago, her stepmother passed away. When I tell you it felt like losing her all over again. I can’t believe they’re actually gone, and I’ll never see them again.😔
I’ll end here.
I pray that you have a wonderful day filled with love, peace, and happiness. You deserve it.♥️
I love you,
Shaun
Just moments ago, I logged back onto social media after almost a week, and the first thing I see is “Pope John Francis Has Died.” Wow! Definitely wasn’t expecting this to be the first thing I saw. Life… and death. We live and we die.
I’m not Catholic. Nor did I follow the Pope’s life. However, I remember when he was elected and all the controversy surrounding his thoughts on inclusiveness and compassion. Even though he wasn’t my Pope per se, he became my Pope. On May 20, 2015, I copied a post and prayer of his that I revisit several times a week (found it a few years ago in my journal). It’s been a beacon of hope for me. I pray that it gives you hope as well.
The Pope’s Prayer (Saved May 20, 2015)
“God has put dreams and desires in every person’s heart. But most of the time, there’s a season of waiting involved. Maybe you’re waiting for a relationship to improve; waiting to get married; waiting for a promotion; or waiting to overcome an illness. Much of life is spent waiting. But there’s a right way to wait, and a wrong way to wait. Too often, when things don’t happen on our timetable, we get down and discouraged or anxious and fretful. That’s because we’re not waiting the right way.
Prayer:
Father God, today I choose to wait expectantly for You. I trust that You are working behind the scenes on my behalf. I put my trust and hope in You knowing that You have good things in store for my future through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”
May Pope John Francis rest in peace.🕊️
Amen
This post has been in my drafts since January 8, 2022. I wrote it for another blog, but can’t locate the link. Glad I saved it here. This was my mother.
Title: Momma, I See You
I was born to a teenage mother, who was born to a teenage mother, who was born to a teenage mother. Yep.. three generations of teen moms. My mother was 14 years old when she became pregnant with me and 15 when she gave birth. What’s ironic is my grandmother was also pregnant. Not only was she about to birth her eighth child at 30, but she was also about to become a first time grandmother. Can you imagine being 30 years old with eight children and your first grandchild on the way? Oh… and my great grandmother, my grandmother’s mom, had 12 children at the time and she was only 43. Y’all, I’m 47 with two children. Had my first child at 21 and my second at 30. Just thinking about what it must have felt like being a teenage mother is unimaginable, let alone having multiple children and grandchildren by the age of 30.
Well, a few years ago, during one of my mom’s frequent visits to the emergency room, I thought about what it must have felt like to be responsible for another life at such a young age. When I arrived at the hospital, she was in so much pain. Every time the nurses touched her she moaned. I wanted to help but couldn’t. Finally the doctor gave her something to ease the pain and she fell asleep. I didn’t leave. I just sat there watching her sleep. Honestly, it was like watching a stranger. The person I saw lying there wasn’t the loud, strong, opinionated woman I knew. This woman was vulnerable, tired, and broken. That’s when it hit me that she was so much more than my mother, she was a woman.
While sitting there, I began reminiscing about my childhood and the sacrifices she had made for me and my five siblings. She always made sure our needs were met even if she had to go without. When I was a baby, she worked in the cotton fields to buy me clothes and pampers. She married a man twice her age, and endured abuse, so that she could support me. By the time she divorced him two years later, she had another little girl to support. Although she had two toddlers, she graduated from high school early and enrolled in college. At 18 she was walking the campus of Jackson State University with two in tow. I still remember attending night classes with her when she couldn’t find a babysitter. During that time she was always learning something new as well as introducing us to new things. For me, that was the most exciting time of my childhood. Also, she was no stranger to hard work. Throughout my childhood, I don’t ever remember hearing her complain about taking on second jobs or not being able to take off for vacations. She did what she had to do to provide for her family. I remember how one year she walked miles to work in the snow, while pregnant with one of my younger sisters. One day she slipped and fell and still went to work. That’s how dedicated and selfless she was. Although she experienced heartaches, disappointments, and abuse, we rarely saw her cry. She was the rock of the family.
Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital I was a changed woman. I saw my mom through a different lens. Not only her but my grandmother and great grandmother as well. I often wonder what kind of sacrifices and compromises did they have to make to ensure their children had everything they needed.
Listen, like most mother-daughter relationships, my mother and I have had our ups and downs. However, it wasn’t until I put myself in her shoes that I was able to better understand some of her experiences and decisions. I will admit that the woman she was throughout my childhood made me the woman I am today, and for that, I’m grateful.
The months I spent with her before she passed were a blessing I didn’t know I needed. I needed that time with her. Even though it was like caring for a child at times, I still knew I was hers. So many times I wanted to climb up in the hospital bed with her.
My momma…
Life can change in the blink of an eye. Make sure you cherish every moment with those you love.♥️
I love you always,
Shaun
Today, I’m remembering my brother, Alton Sutton, Jr. He passed away on this day five years ago (October 19, 2019). There’s so much I want to say, but at the moment, I’m finding it hard to articulate my thoughts. When I tell you his presence in our family is so missed.
My brother was our gentle giant—kind, caring, loving, and very mild mannered. Definitely had a heart of gold. He was my dad and stepmom’s only son.
We were on this earth together for 46 years. Born almost three months apart (I was the oldest). Practically, twins… Yes, I miss him.
May he continue to rest in power and peace.🙏🏽🕊️♥️
Today’s Hello Sunday is dedicated to my mother. Still can’t believe she’s gone.
After Momma passed, I found a letter she had written to us, her children. That’s what she had written on the envelope, “Children.” It was sealed with an address label from where she lived decades ago. I did not read it then. Decided to wait and open it when all of us were together. When I tell you I felt like I was in a movie! I had been through her things many, many times before and had not seen the letter until I was about to leave town to go help my siblings make her final arrangements. When I tell you the suspense was killing me!
As soon as our last sister arrived–took her hours to get there–we read the letter. It began with, “If you are reading this letter, it means that the inevitable has happened.” Y’all, we laughed. Only she could make something so serious sound like we were on a crime show.
Well, the letter was very direct. She did not sugarcoat anything. She told us about her life as an adult and her desire to be a great mom. Some things she knew she got right while others she really struggled with because she had us at a very young age. (Note– While she was still coherent, we did tell her that she was a great mom and how much we loved and appreciated everything she had done for us.) One of the things that surprised us was the fact that she had been very ill for a long time. None of us knew this. The reason she had written the letter was because she did not believe she had much longer to live. Now, this was written three years post paraplegia. Listen… I’m here to testify and tell you she lived another 21 years! Y’all, the letter was dated September 18, 2001.
When I tell you God is so good and merciful. There’s nothing like His love and grace. It just goes to show you that we cannot put a time limit on life nor can we give up. We may feel down today and believe this just has to be the end of the road; then, end up living decades more.
Today, I am going to let Dorothy have her final say. Below is a copy of one of her newsletters from The Encourager. I tried to find one from May; however, the closest I could find was from April 2003. While reading it, I could see her in her words written about not being able to walk or see well. That was her. She was describing herself.
Thanks for reading. Wishing you a wonderful week!
Shaun
Today would have been my brother’s 49th birthday. Y’all, I just knew we would grow old together. Happy heavenly birthday, Rell.♥️ October 5, 1973 – October 19, 2019
Here’s what I shared on that day three years ago (October 5, 2019) –
Facebook Memory: October 5, 2019
Second message this week about everything happens for a reason. So I must make it today’s social media find. Rest assured God’s got you. He already has everything worked out. Just trust Him. Believe me, I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s something we must learn to do. Y’all have a blessed day.🙏🏽♥️
This was in response to a post made by TV ONE – “Laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself everything happens for a reason.”
That week, my emotions were all over the place. My anxiety level was like a ten. You know how you can feel something about to happen but can’t pinpoint what? I remember being so anxious that entire day, and the days that followed, were even worse. Didn’t know I would actually laugh at the confusion. Not really. Smile through the tear. Boy did I do a lot of crying, but of course I kept smiling. One thing that I couldn’t seem to do was focus on the “everything happens for a reason” part. HA! One thing I forgot to do was take my own advice and trust that God knew what He was doing. Honestly, I’m still confused about that part. Only God knows the lessons and reasons behind everything that happened.
Yeah.. October 2019 was a month I truly wanted to forget. Hands down, it was one of the worst months of my life. Y’all, I honestly didn’t think I could see another October and not feel some kind of way. I’m so thankful time takes away the sting. That God loves us enough to make sure we heal from pain.
October 5, 2019
Shaun
UPDATE #2: My mom is AWAKE and talking!!! God is soooo good!!! Thank y’all so much for the prayers.♥️
UPDATE: I spoke with my Mom’s ICU nurse a little while ago. She said that my mom actually responded to a few commands this morning. She also held her eyes open for a while. This is all great news!🙏🏽
The past several days have been overwhelming. However, the good news is, my mom is still with us.
As for me, I can’t even begin to describe where I’m at emotionally. Sometimes it feels as if I’m experiencing multiple emotions all at once– frustration, sadness, confusion, and loneliness, then throw in a bit of optimism. Ugh!
Y’all, I’m exhausted but can’t seem to rest. Haven’t had much of an appetite; however, I’m eating because I know I’m supposed to. Basically, I have been forcing myself to eat, drink and sleep. Every time I feel like I have a handle on things, something else pops up.
Yesterday Momma opened her eyes for a brief moment while my sister and I were in the room. Y’all, it felt like a miracle had happened. We were so happy. That was during the first ICU visitation. During each visitation that followed, we expected her to do the same or more but nothing happened. She barely even moved. One of my sisters said we should only speak positively. That negative conversations will only make things worse. She doesn’t want to hear anything other than Momma is going to pull through. Guess what?! This is really difficult to do when you’re the person who has to make the final decisions in case she doesn’t pull through. And that person is me.
Yes, it hurts. It’s painful. It makes me want to scream. But I’m here. I’m making it. I’m going with the flow. God’s got me. Life…
I love you, Momma.♥️
Shaun
Today I would like to ask you to take a moment of silence to remember those who have recently lost their lives to mass shootings in the United States (May 14 – 24, 2022):
Buffalo, New York (Supermarket)
May 14, 2022
10 lives taken
Laguna Woods, California (Church)
May 15, 2022
1 life taken
Uvalde, Texas (Elementary School)
May 24, 2022
21 lives taken
Prayers for their loved ones who are heartbroken and confused. Prayers for those who are saddened, hurt and angered by those who fail to recognize and address the racial and ethnical issues we have in the U.S.; as well as the gun violence that continues to plague the United States. As much as I desire to see the good in everyone, I’m actually beginning to believe that some people are incapable of love, empathy and compassion. Because if they were, they would care more about lives than their agendas.
I have to remain hopeful or I will become like them.
Shaun
It’s Shaun’s World 
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