Happy Hump Day! It’s Wednesday again. The second Wednesday of the year, to be exact.
Feeling some kind of way this morning because I am not really feeling anything at all. I don’t feel happy, sad, excited, mad, nothing. As my son would say, “Meh.” Not sure if that’s a feeling but that is exactly where I am.
Usually, by this time of the year, I have created a vision board, made a “progress” video (I make short progression videos at least twice a year where I talk about my goals and things I have accomplished- believe I only made one last year) and have written at least ten journal entries by now. Well, I have not done any of it. So far I only have three journal entries for this year. I know, I blog and make social media posts, but it’s not the same. Five years from now, I need to be able to find out what I was doing on a particular date and without it documented, I will never know. Maybe it’s not as important as I am making it out to be. Maybe I just woke up in my feelings, or with the lack of feelings. Nah.. I’m definitely feeling but unfortunately I don’t have a name for it.
This morning, while going through my Facebook memories, I found this gem, which is more than 30 years old. I shared on Facebook in 2016 with the following caption:
My 12th grade English teacher gave me this 20+ years ago. It inspired me then, and continues to inspire me today. 💗
Everyone in our class received cards from Ms. Tressin, but mine was special. Looking back, she saw something in me that I thought was hidden from the world. She knew I was a dreamer.
Maybe that’s what I am feeling this morning. I have imagined it. I have dreamed it. And yet, here I am thirty years later still chasing the dream. Or am I? Y’all, I believe I am having an “Aha” moment.
So… transparent moment… if you have been following me since last April, you know that I resigned from my job in pursuit of fulfilling my dreams. Well, over the months I have felt like a boat without an anchor, being tossed all over the place. When I resigned, I had no plan, no real direction about where I wanted to go. All I knew is, I was free! Hadn’t felt that free since I was in high school. I felt like I had the opportunity to begin again. However, I had too many years of education, degrees, and experience to just throw it all away. Plus everyone kept making suggestions about where I should be or could be heading. So, I felt compelled to continue along that path. Exactly like a high school senior! Wow!! Well, to be honest, every time I attempt to do it, I feel trapped. I know what to do to make it work. I have done it for years, but it is not where my heart lies. So far I have wasted money on trying to pursue things that would make me money but my heart has not been in anything I have done. Yeah.. it all sounded good but my heart kept screaming “NO!”
Here’s what I truly want at this moment in time, and what I wanted when I resigned. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be. I want to be able to spend as much time as I possibly can with my children. Right now I have no desire to pursue a career and be a mom. I just want to be a mom, create memories, share inspirational thoughts and spread love, kindness and hope throughout the world. Sounds pretty flower-childish, doesn’t it? Lol! But that’s what I want to do! And guess what?! It’s exactly what I have been blessed to do. I am living off of less than I have ever made and I’m okay. Question is, shouldn’t I want more?
Maybe I’m thinking too much this morning. This probably should have been a journal entry. Lol. But here it is, my first random rambling of the year. Not going to delete any of it. Just gonna publish and keep going. Everything will work out.
Hope you have a wonderful day!
So, last week, my son began his final semester of high school. Yes, the count down is real! Well, during our drive to school, I was so hyped, talking a mile a minute about all the things he would be able to do once on his own. Listen, you would have thought it was my last semester instead of his! Well, he was the least bit enthused. He just sat there quietly while I went on and on and on about how great life was about to be for him. After about five minutes or so (yes, that long), I noticed that he wasn’t celebrating with me. I asked what was wrong, why wasn’t he excited. That’s when he asked if I was going to leave him alone. Y’all, it never dawned on me that he may have been nervous. I just assumed he felt the same way I felt during my last semester of high school. Baby, I was ready!! Well, at that point, I reassured him that he would never have to go through life alone. That no matter how old he got, or whatever happened in life, I would always here for him. And that seemed to do the trick. He pepped up and was ready for school.
After I dropped him off, I realized that also meant I would be alone and on my own too. Needless to say, I was no longer celebrating. Gotta love life.
Thought I would share this Facebook memory with you. I posted it five years ago. I cannot say it enough, I am so proud the man my son is becoming. Always respectful, kind, compassionate and attentive. May God’s grace and mercy follow him throughout his life.
Facebook Memory: January 9, 2017
Feeling some kind of way. Don’t know how to explain it. KeShawn picks up on it and asks if I’ve listened to my music today. I asked him, “What music?” He said, “Your Luther.”
All smiles. My kids know me so well. I can listen to music all day. It’s so soothing. And there’s nothing like listening to Luther. ☺️
My babies get me!
Well, that’s it for today’s Hello Sunday. Thanks for reading. Wising you a wonderfully, blessed day!
** We (I) decided to celebrate his last semester of high school with a celebratory treat from his favorite sushi place.