Hellooooo Sunday! Y’all, in 10 days I will be 47! Like.. really.. almost 50. Like, almost half a decade! WHAT?! Y’all, I’m finally excited!!!
This month started off very depressing. I did not feel like celebrating, at all. All I wanted was for this month to pass. Actually, I wanted this year to hurry up and pass. Over the years, I have always said that I loved adventures. Well, 2020 has been one great adventure, and I am ready for this adventure to end. Honestly, I don’t even think we have reached the apex yet. I believe we are still climbing. I just pray that whatever is to come does not rock this world more than it has already. Hopeful.
Okay… that was getting dark. Back to my birthday. Last year, I spent my birthday volunteering at a summer camp teaching 4th graders about the benefits of choosing healthier snacks. So when asked if I could teach a class on that day, I immediately agreed. Y’all, I was on cloud nine! I felt like a kid again. Like I was a little girl preparing to play school with my siblings and little cousins. It brought out the child in me. I could not wait to start planning.
That was my celebration with the kids. At the end of the week, I celebrated with friends and family. I called it my freedom party– 46 & FREE! Exactly seven days before my birthday, the judge signed my divorce papers! I was FINALLY free!! So I celebrated!
A little over a week later, my best friends came down and we took a girl’s trip to Essence Festival. Talk about a wonderful birthday! I had so much fun.
So, what will I do this year? I am finally excited enough to start planning. My children and sisters have been asking me all month what I want to do. Happy to say I have made a few decisions. I plan to spend the day of my birthday at the zoo with one of my sisters and her children. I really want to see them have fun. Children tend bring out the kid in me. Y’all, they have me acting all crazy and Ilove it! Then, that weekend, I plan to spend it with another sister and niece. Not sure if I will do anything in between. Will definitely spend time with my two babies.. umm.. I mean– young adults. Lol
Y’all, I am truly blessed. God has blessed me to live this long, so why not celebrate. Oh… before I end, last night I dreamt I had dyed my hair cotton candy pink for my birthday. Hmmm….
Y’all, I might even surprise myself for my birthday! Lol. NOW, I’m excited!
Mary J. Blige’s My Life has been playing over and over in my head since yesterday morning. Can’t turn it off. This one part seems to be stuck on repeat. Mary is singing–
Life can be Only what you make it When you’re feeling down You should never fake it Say what’s on your mind And you’ll find in time That all of the negative energy It will all decease
Sitting here reminiscing about events that took place in the Summer of 2014. Y’all, so many wonderful things happened that that year. Like the memory I am about to share.
One day, out of the blue, I received an invitation to attend a culinary media training event in New Orleans. It was an all-expenses paid trip. All I had to do was show up. At first, I was hesitant about going because I was afraid. I was afraid that I would not live up to what was expected of me. I was afraid that I would make mistakes. I was afraid I would not fit in. I was afraid of where it could possibly lead me. I was afraid of the potential– my potential. Then, I remembered God’s favor. He would not have presented the opportunity if He believed I could not handle it. I mean, EVERYTHING was paid for. All I had to do was go. So, I went. Here is what I wrote afterwards:
New Orleans was definitely a great professional experience. I came back with a sense of worth. I felt like I could actually accomplish my goals. I now have a different outlook on life & my role in this universe. I am destined for greatness & there’s nothing wrong with it. Thank you God for helping me realize my potential. Please give me the knowledge, strength, courage, and intelligence to do things the correct way. I thank you so much for the favor!
Shaun’s Journal: June 2014
Can’t you hear Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City Singers singing, God’s Favor? I can! The song says, “God’s favor is more precious than life.”
Thank You, God For allowing me to see another week. For giving me the opportunity to make this week better than last. Please forgive me for not fully trusting You as I should.
Thank You For not allowing me to give up when I felt I could not go on. For comforting me when I felt down. For loving me when I felt unloved.
Thank You For being YOU– Omnipotent & Omnipresent! Lord, I am forever grateful for Your love, mercy and grace. ALL praises to You!
Character: the mental or moral qualities distinctive to an individual
Over the past week, or anytime something major happens, and I do not respond or react the way others do, I begin to question myself. Like– Am I not normal? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I not visibly outraged like everyone else? I care. I feel. I am angry. I am disgusted and disappointed and frustrated. I am all of these things. Yet, people may never know it because I do not show it. Why? Hmm… It finally dawned on me that I am not that person. That is not who I am. So why force myself to respond like others if it does not come naturally. Y’all, it is not my character.
I can think of so many incidents throughout my life where people have told me how they would have reacted differently to the same situations. For example– just because I feel like writing– when I was in my early twenties, I had gotten off work early and stopped by my boyfriends place to surprise him. Little did I know, I was the one in for a surprise. I found him in bed with another girl. I stood beside the bed and causally asked them a few questions, like- “What are y’all doing?” “Why didn’t you lock the door?” You know, questions anyone would ask. After receiving my answers, I sat down and waited for her to leave. Y’all, I remember this big brass lamp being on the nightstand. For a second, I considered bashing his head in. Yep… I could visualize the entire scene. However, I chose to remain calm. Even our conversation afterwards was calm. He kept saying things like, “I know you want to hit me,” and “Just let me have it!” If “Boy, bye” was a phrase back then, I would have definitely used it. Every time I tell someone this story, they tell me that they would have responded differently. Most say they would have fought him and the girl. But why?? Was I hurt? YES!! I thought I was in love with him. But, the consequences that would have resulted from that moment of gratification, would have been costly.
Now, have I ever acted out of character before? HA!! Of course! When I was ACTING! Whenever I have to give people what they expect, it is called acting. And y’all, I hate acting. Whenever I have to cuss to get my point across, that.. my friend.. is acting. You see, whenever I am hurt or angry, I become very quiet. I do not say much. I just act. Y’all, this is my character.
I decided to write this because it is something that has been weighing on me for a while, even before George Floyd’s murder. As I said, after something major happens, whether national or personal, my response is always a little different from others. Hence, the reason I always refer to myself as being unique or quirky. The way I react or respond may not be what is typically expected. Y’all, I was going through a crazy divorce for over four years and I rarely said a word about it or spoke badly about my ex. There were so many things I could have said or done, but chose not to. Shoot.. I can barely cuss when writing, because again, it is justnot in me.
Today, I am so grateful for those who choose to accept me for who I am. Those who understand and respect my true (not the act) character, as I do theirs. From this day forward, I will no longer question myself based on how others think I should react or respond. Y’all, people will have you angry with yourself only to come around and agree with you later. Honestly, in the end, the only opinion that matters is God’s.
Scream: To give a long, loud, piercing cry or cries, expressing excitement, great emotion, or PAIN
I say that I want to scream, but I believe I need to scream. I am so frustrated, right now. Honestly, I have been frustrated– BEYOND frustrated– since my brother passed. People have said that I need to give myself time to process his death. HA! Easier said than done.
But to be completely transparent, yeah.. because who am I kidding, that whole divorce thing did a number on me. After my divorce was final, I thought I was finally free and about to live my best life. My birthday theme was “46 & FREE!” I was posting, “New beginnings” all over the place. Then three months later, my brother died, unexpectedly. Y’all, what a blow! We were supposed to be together until we were old and grey. But God had other plans. Now, here we are in the lovely year of 2020. Speechless.
Y’all, can I SCREAM, now???
The only visual I can give you of how I am feeling, and what I want to do… correction… what I NEED to do, comes from Michael and Janet Jackson’s video Scream. Soooo…
Yesterday was very long and draining— mentally and emotionally. So, I reinstalled my social media apps with the intention of only posting my blog and managing business accounts. Needless to say, I fell right back into the same trap as before. I could not stop scrolling through the stories. Some of the stories were horrifying– people being tear gassed, looters destroying stores and properties, and people crying for justice. While other stories offered hope– law enforcement officers marching alongside protesters, white friends and colleagues recognizing and denouncing racism, and people being blessed in the midst of this madness. All of it was so overwhelming.
Some time during my scrolling and crying, I fell asleep. When I awoke, I had this song stuck in my head, I Surrender All. Growing up, we would sing it during alter calls (part of church services where people asked for prayer). The song says:
I surrender all I surrender all All to Thee, my Blessed Savior I surrender all
Y’all, I needed this reminder. For the sake of my sanity, I have to surrender all to God. For the sake of humanity, we must surrender all. There is a scripture in the Bible that reads:
“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22
Since I am up thinking about it, I might as well write about it.
The other day I wrote about trust. I admitted that trust was my biggest issue and that trust in romantic relationships was probably the worst. Well, last night on Tyler Perry’s If Loving You Is Wrong, one of the characters, Natalie, was dealing with the same exact issue– trust. You see, Natalie and Lushion (her fiancé) have been together for several years now, and she still does not trust him. During last night’s episode, she allowed someone to put doubt in her mind about Lushion’s faithfulness. Instead of remaining calm, and thinking things through, she allowed doubt and fear get the best of her. Which caused her to make a few irrational decisions. I know that was only a show, but things like that happens in real life, every day!
Then, this morning, as I was laying in bed, I kept replaying the scenes over and over in my head. For those who know me, know I love to tweet during my shows. Well, last night I was tweeting things like, “Natalie, trust your man!” and “Trust Lushion!!” Which is so ironic because I have trust issues, too. Hilarious! It is funny how it is easier to give advice to others, but so difficult to follow that same advice.
When I think about it, my trust issues began long before I was in a relationship. It began while watching other women in relationships– my mom, stepmom, grandma, aunts and family friends. As a child, I watched their relationships like I was watching a good soap opera. Basically, I was all up in their business. You know the phrase, “stay out of grown folks business”? Well, I believe it was coined just for me. I was ALWAYS up in somebody’s business. I used to watch how the women would light up when their significant others would do something special for them. Unfortunately for most, it never lasted long. Eventually, I saw them down, and sometimes depressed. You know… whenever he looked at someone else or stopped calling or visiting. During that time, I also witnessed a lot of abuse. So when I decided I was ready to give love a try, I proceeded with caution.
The first guy I seriously considered dating was this guy in my church. Back then, he was dating almost every girl in the church. So when he finally became interested in me, I was reluctant to take the bait. So reluctant that while I was contemplating giving him a chance, he got with another girl. Talk about heartbreaking. But in the end it was all for the best. Let’s just say, I dodged a major bullet. He had a lot of issues.
Side note: Here is a prayer I used to pray: “Lord, if it is not for me, please do not give it to me. I do not care how much I beg and plead, do not give it to me. And let me be okay with it.”
Well, God always kept His end of the deal. However, I overrode His warnings so many times. Look, I will admit, sometimes I just want what I want. I will ignore the warnings and go after whatever it is. Yes.. that’s me– Shaun. With that said, I am finally learning to listen to and wait on God. Y’all, I am so grateful for His mercy and grace.
As usual, I got sidetracked. Ugh! Trust. I have only been in four relationships. The first three left me wondering what was wrong with me. Why did they choose someone else? My first boyfriend went back to his ex. My second boyfriend married his ex. But then again, I am not sure if they ever really broke up. Guess I was always the side chick. The third… now that was just a bad decision all together. So many lies. But you know what, I cannot be mad. Again, I dodged all kinds of bullets by them leaving me. Today, none of them are with the person they left me for. All I have to say is, God is so good! Of course I was hurt at the time, but looking back, and now seeing how things turned out in their lives, I am so grateful God removed them from my life.
Now the fourth relationship was with my ex-husband. As I have written many times before, he was the rebound guy. He was the total opposite of the others. I was not in love with him. I saw him as the safe guy. My thought was, if I get with him, I will never be hurt. That was a lie. During our first year of marriage, I went out of town for a week only to return home to several calls from a number I did not recognize. As I scrolled through the caller ID (we had house phones back then) I noticed that several calls were received around 2 and 3 a.m. I was like, “I know this is not happening again!” Unlike with the other guys, I confronted him. I asked who was calling him that early in the morning. He said it was the wrong number. I was like, “Really?? Several times?!” So I called the number and his little friend picked up. The first thing I did was ask for her name. Of course she gave me some bogus name. But I already knew who she was. You see, he had been talking about her a few weeks earlier. Crazy, huh!! Well, the joke was on me. The safe guy was not so safe after all. Lol! Unfortunately, I was around five months pregnant and decided to stay. I mean, what were my chances of finding someone who would want to be in a relationship with someone with two kids (my daughter was 8 at the time). A few years ago, he told me that he got me pregnant on purpose because he did not want me to leave him. Wow!
Today, I am looking for a person without any red flags. I know, I am probably not being realistic. However, I am looking for someone who is God-fearing, honest, dependable, trustworthy, and loves me and only me. HA!! Sounds like a want ad– BUT it’s not. And of course I have to love him, too. Y’all, I am just too old for infatuation or lust, so it has to be real love. (Can’t y’all hear Mary J. Blige singing Real Love. I can. Lol!)
Anyhoo.. this was much longer than I expected. Probably going to delete a few things before I publish it. Or perhaps I should publish it as written. I believe the unedited versions are always better. Enjoy your day!
Decided to start my day early. I can finally hear birds chirping. I also hear cars driving in the distance. However, things are pretty still and quiet in my house. Well, besides the hum of the refrigerator. You know what… I think I will sit here for a few more minutes and just be. Yeah.. just BE.
Sitting in my recliner watching episodes of Matlock and In the Heat of the Night. I remember watching these shows, along with the Golden Girls, late at night with my grand-godmother, Momma Kate. It was our nightly ritual whenever I visited. I would sit in her bedroom in the rocking chair, while she laid in bed. We rarely spoke. Just watched our shows. I miss those days. Grateful God placed her in my life. So thankful for the wonderful memories.
It’s Shaun’s World 
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