Ten years ago, I ended my journal entry with, “Lord, please guide me.”
Ten years ago, my entire world changed. During the final days of March 2015, I experienced my greatest heartbreak but also my greatest relief. My ex-husband had finally moved out. That was the relief. However, the greatest heartbreak came from those I always thought would have my back but instead turned their backs on me.
Y’all, it’s been a very long ten years. Not only did I have to rebuild a life for me and my two (my hearts and rocks!), but I had to rebuild relationships. I’m not going to go into details, but just know that when I say I made it, believe me—I MADE IT!!!
I am forever indebted to God. I know I wouldn’t be here had it not been for Him. I am so grateful for His love, mercy, grace, kindness, patience and GUIDANCE. I asked for His guidance, and He answered.
Today, I’m celebrating.
Yes, I’m celebrating!
I made it!!🎉
Thank you so much for your love and continued support. I pray you have a beautifully, blessed day!♥️
Treasure your gifts. Not gifts, as in talents, but the gifts—the people—God has placed in your life. They are irreplaceable and one of a kind. Whether for a season or a lifetime, God placed them in your life for a specific purpose that only they can fulfill. Never take them for granted. Life is much too short and precious not to treasure them.
As I mentioned last night, I was with my two hearts (daughter, 30, and son, 21). Words can’t even begin to describe the way I feel about them. As a child, I always longed to feel loved unconditionally and accepted for me. One of the things we talked about last night was me always dancing to the beat of my own drum. I never quite fit in, even when it came to my own family. I thought and moved differently. Not so differently that I didn’t blend in, but different enough to know I didn’t fit. Well, here I am 30 years later with two adult children, and I finally feel the love and acceptance I longed for. They’re not cookie cutters of me. As we often joke, we couldn’t be more different, but we’re so much alike. All three of us dance to our own beat, and we don’t judge. We embrace each other’s uniqueness.
Y’all, they are my gifts.🥰🥰
This was taken in January during my daughter’s 30th birthday weekend.
On another note—I know I never mentioned anything else about celebrating the 30–year breakthrough or rebirth I was experiencing leading up to my daughter’s birthday. I intentionally stopped celebrating when I noticed she had made her celebration mine. I explained to her that I had already lived and celebrated my 30th; the weekend and occasion were all hers. And we celebrated her! Yes, her birthday felt like a great release for me. I finally felt free to release myself from being a mother, provider, and caregiver to being me—a woman taking care of me.🦋
I pray you are treasuring your gifts. Also remember this too—something that took me far too long to realize—YOU are also a gift. Yes…YOU!
In 2023, I shared, “Your obedience to God unlocks doors.” Although this is true, I believe our obedience should be more important than any blessing we may receive. It’s our obedience that strengthens our relationship with God. It shows Him that we not only love Him, but we trust Him despite what He can do or give.
Today, my advice is to focus on building a relationship with God. It’s more important than the blessings and unlocked doors. Both will come in due time.
This post has been in my drafts since January 8, 2022. I wrote it for another blog, but can’t locate the link. Glad I saved it here. This was my mother.
Title: Momma, I See You
I was born to a teenage mother, who was born to a teenage mother, who was born to a teenage mother. Yep.. three generations of teen moms. My mother was 14 years old when she became pregnant with me and 15 when she gave birth. What’s ironic is my grandmother was also pregnant. Not only was she about to birth her eighth child at 30, but she was also about to become a first time grandmother. Can you imagine being 30 years old with eight children and your first grandchild on the way? Oh… and my great grandmother, my grandmother’s mom, had 12 children at the time and she was only 43. Y’all, I’m 47 with two children. Had my first child at 21 and my second at 30. Just thinking about what it must have felt like being a teenage mother is unimaginable, let alone having multiple children and grandchildren by the age of 30.
Well, a few years ago, during one of my mom’s frequent visits to the emergency room, I thought about what it must have felt like to be responsible for another life at such a young age. When I arrived at the hospital, she was in so much pain. Every time the nurses touched her she moaned. I wanted to help but couldn’t. Finally the doctor gave her something to ease the pain and she fell asleep. I didn’t leave. I just sat there watching her sleep. Honestly, it was like watching a stranger. The person I saw lying there wasn’t the loud, strong, opinionated woman I knew. This woman was vulnerable, tired, and broken. That’s when it hit me that she was so much more than my mother, she was a woman.
While sitting there, I began reminiscing about my childhood and the sacrifices she had made for me and my five siblings. She always made sure our needs were met even if she had to go without. When I was a baby, she worked in the cotton fields to buy me clothes and pampers. She married a man twice her age, and endured abuse, so that she could support me. By the time she divorced him two years later, she had another little girl to support. Although she had two toddlers, she graduated from high school early and enrolled in college. At 18 she was walking the campus of Jackson State University with two in tow. I still remember attending night classes with her when she couldn’t find a babysitter. During that time she was always learning something new as well as introducing us to new things. For me, that was the most exciting time of my childhood. Also, she was no stranger to hard work. Throughout my childhood, I don’t ever remember hearing her complain about taking on second jobs or not being able to take off for vacations. She did what she had to do to provide for her family. I remember how one year she walked miles to work in the snow, while pregnant with one of my younger sisters. One day she slipped and fell and still went to work. That’s how dedicated and selfless she was. Although she experienced heartaches, disappointments, and abuse, we rarely saw her cry. She was the rock of the family.
Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital I was a changed woman. I saw my mom through a different lens. Not only her but my grandmother and great grandmother as well. I often wonder what kind of sacrifices and compromises did they have to make to ensure their children had everything they needed.
Listen, like most mother-daughter relationships, my mother and I have had our ups and downs. However, it wasn’t until I put myself in her shoes that I was able to better understand some of her experiences and decisions. I will admit that the woman she was throughout my childhood made me the woman I am today, and for that, I’m grateful.
The months I spent with her before she passed were a blessing I didn’t know I needed. I needed that time with her. Even though it was like caring for a child at times, I still knew I was hers. So many times I wanted to climb up in the hospital bed with her.
My momma…
She made us take pictures that day (June 1997). She just had to have a family photo even though we weren’t dressed for one.😅We were so unserious. But it was her day, and there was no way we weren’t going to comply. She was still Momma! We also took pictures with my grandma (her mom). About a couple of weeks later, my grandma suddenly died. The following year, my mom became paralyzed from the waist down.
Life can change in the blink of an eye. Make sure you cherish every moment with those you love.♥️
You know how one thing leads to or is connected with another? Well, I was looking at photos from January 29, 2023—pictures of my mom—and saw the screenshot below. This led me to check and see what I had posted on that date. Honestly, I wasn’t ready for what I had written.
Probably took the screenshot because 6-24 is my birthday. Seeing that number always makes me smile.
I keep asking myself why I have to be so strong. Why me? I’m tired of being strong alone. JOURNAL ENTRY, JANUARY 29, 2015
In the same entry, I added a quote from Joel Osteen –
“Negative, defeated thoughts will drain your energy. You wouldn’t be facing it if you couldn’t handle it. You’re anointed for this — God would not have allowed it if you weren’t ready for it and equal to it.”
That “I’m tired of being strong alone,” seems to be the story of my life. However, just like Joel said, I wouldn’t be facing it if I couldn’t handle it. Honestly, I’m beginning to believe that being strong alone is my super power. Hmmm…
Anyhoo… I’m going to visit my mom today! This time I’m taking her dog, Nala. I know they will be happy to see each other.
Well, that’s all I have to share today. Y’all, life is one big adventure, let’s make sure we make the best of it.♥️
“Honestly, I’m beginning to believe that being strong alone is my super power.”
I don’t like that statement. I’m not meant to be strong alone. No one is.
One thing is true, though, life is one big adventure. And I do plan to make the best of it.♥️ ~Shaun
Lately, I have been a little more emotional than usual. It took me a minute to figure out why, and I finally have. A rebirth is happening. At least, that’s what it feels like.
Some may think what I’m about to say is weird, and it’s perfectly fine, but the timing of “The Six Triple Eight” movie and my daughter’s upcoming 30th birthday are so intertwined. The 30 years hit me while I was visiting her a week ago. Then, seeing the movie this weekend brought back memories of my experiences in the military around the time of her birth (almost 30 years ago) and the first few years of her life. Y’all, I’ve been crying nonstop this weekend. It feels like I am finally releasing everything I have held in for decades—the stress, uncertainties, and pressure I placed on myself to be a great mother to a child who did not ask to be here. I chose to bring her into this world, which meant I was responsible for making sure she always felt loved, protected, supported, and never like a burden. Those were the things I needed as a child, and I was determined to make sure she had them. And then the song “The Journey” by H.E.R. gets me every time I hear it. Y’all, these past 30 years have definitely been a journey.
Here’s what AI had to say about 30 years—
“It can be a turning point in a person’s life or a time when a historical event’s long-term effects can be seen. … It can be a time when someone realizes who they are, gains self-awareness.”
Whewwww… y’all, this is a lot.
I now realize that 30 years ago, I shut down part of my life to become the best mom I could be, and I know exactly when it happened. That’s a story for another time. Last week, I finally saw the woman my baby girl has become and know that my mission has been achieved. Now it’s time for me to live.
My life definitely changed 30 years ago, and I have absolutely no regrets—I never have. I just adjusted. Seeing my baby girl’s smile today lets me know all my sacrifices were worth it.
Here are two pictures… A lot can change in a year.
Squadron Christmas party in Germany (December 1993).Squadron Christmas party in Florida (December 1994). Almost 9 months pregnant.
What a journey…
Thanks for allowing me space to exhale and release. I pray you have a glorious Sunday!♥️
It’s Shaun’s World 
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