Here is another awesome post that I found amongst my Facebook memories.
Facebook memory – December 22, 2018
In response to a quote by xonecole: “Don’t go back to less because you’re too impatient to wait for more,” I wrote:
Happy Saturday!! Here’s today’s social media find. As Joe [from Tyler Perry’s Madea movies] would say, “Don’t do it. Don’t do it.” Don’t you dare look back and miss out on what’s to come! Believe me, God is working. He’s ALWAYS working! Now, do your part and be patient.🤗 Y’all be blessed.💕 Wait. God’s got you. Your blessing is coming. Don’t look back. Don’t settle. Goals for 2019.
Well, 2019 was a year of so many highs and lows – moments of happiness, anger, euphoria, sadness, loss and depression. It is one year of my life that I absolutely hate revisiting. But as you can see from my post in 2018, it was also one I was so looking forward to. Little did I know, those high, euphoric moments would help me through some of the worst moments in my life.
Now, here I am three years later, still not settling, refusing to go back to what was, and moving forward. And yes, I am still waiting for whatever and whoever God has planned for my future as well as to fulfill His purpose. Without a doubt, I know the best is yet to come. As Bishop T. D. Jakes often says, what God has for you will not be found in what you left behind. It will be found in what is in front of you. Eyes forward.
God’s got me.
Thanks for reading! Wishing you and your families peace and joy.
Yes, this is my second time writing today. Had to get this off my chest and see if anyone can help me understand, “Why?”. Why is it so difficult for some – not going to say most or all – men to dissociate their child from the child’s mother? Here’s my story:
After several attempts at watching Christopher Nolen’s A Christmas Wish, I finally finished it. For me, it was unbelievably difficult to watch because I felt like I was the mom in the story having to provide for a child without conditional financial assistance from the father. You see, the father (ex-husband) in the story refused to pay child support, but said he would provide everything the child needed if and when she asked. This was the first issue I had. The next was the father’s plea to the mom – “Why don’t you let me take care of you? You know I still love you.” Which brings me back to my original question, why is it so difficult for men to see the mother and child as two separate individuals? Why couldn’t he take care of the child without associating it with his love for the mom?
After I had my daughter, I refused to ask her father for child support. I was not going to beg him to take care of his child. Plus, just like the father in the movie, he kept saying he wanted to take care of both of us. He wanted us to be together. But he was already with someone else. And when I refused, he decided not to provide for her. He told me if I needed anything, to just ask. Well, I didn’t. I believed if he wanted to take care of her he would do it on his own. I mean, mothers don’t have a choice. We do it whether the father is around or not. Well, after a couple of years of my mom telling me I needed to put my pride aside and seek support for my daughter, I did. I filed for child support before I left for Turkey. The agency reported that they were not able to locate him. Then a few months after arriving in Turkey, I received a letter from him stating if I wanted support, he was going to seek joint custody. My daughter was three years old and had never laid eyes on him nor spoken to him. Not because I would not allow it, but because I chose not to be with him. Y’all, he never even spoke to my baby!From birth, I kept him and his parents informed about her progress. I sent pictures. I wrote letters and neither him nor his family made an effort to have a relationship with her. So there was no way I was going to give him joint custody just to receive a check. So, I chose to raise her on my own.
Fast forward to today and my now ex. Almost the exact same scenario. I’m not going to lie, it hurts. Never in a million years did I expect it from him because he knew what I went through with my daughter’s father. So yeah, watching the movie was very difficult. The pain is still very fresh. In the movie, the little girl’s wish was for them to be a family again on Christmas Day, and of course it happened. Well, up until two years ago, I did the family Christmas thing, but ended it because it only gave my ex false hope of us getting back together. Before the next Christmas rolled around, I informed my son that we were no longer going to spend Christmases together. This was also after finally being granted the divorce after over four years of waiting. And guess what? My son was actually okay with it.
Even though it took me several attempts to get through the movie, I did it. It may seem insignificant to you, but it’s an accomplishment for me. Y’all, I really didn’t think I could do it. It hurt too badly. At times I found myself yelling at the television begging the mom not to take him back. Yeah, it was painful to watch.
Here is my takeaway from the movie, or what I needed to come to terms with. Yes, some people settle for package deal because that is what works for them. And guess what? It’s okay. Me, I did not accept the package deal so I must accept the consequences of my actions. Lastly, I have to let it go. My son is 18 and my daughter is 26. There has never been a time in their lives that I was not able to provide for them or did not ask for help when I really needed it. I can no longer beat myself up over the relationship/lack of relationship they have with their fathers because I chose not to accept the package deal. Yes, it’s time for me to let it go.
After I had my daughter, I would often ask her father why he could not take care of her without taking care of me. He said because he loved me and all of us should be together. I’m still bewildered.
There is no way I can go into another relationship broken. I must realize there is no knight in shining armor to rescue me from myself.
Journal Entry, December 12, 2014
Whew! What a statement! “. . . there is no knight in shining armor to rescue me from myself.”
Several weeks ago, I watched an Oprah interview with Will Smith. It was about the release of his new memoir, WILL. Y’all, before the interview was over, I had already preordered his book. Much of what he said during his interview resonated with me so much that I just had to hear more!
Like Will, I’m a dreamer and a lover. I have always envisioned my life playing out a certain way. In his book, he mentioned Dallas was one of this favorite nighttime soap operas when he was younger. He said he always wanted to own a ranch like Southfork and imagined his wife riding up to the family house on her horse. Listen, that was me. I had the same dream. I was the wife. I was Sue Ellen. Lol. As we know, real life is not scripted. We have to factor in others’ feelings, desires, wants, needs and dreams. And most of the time theirs are different from ours. I believe when we fail to embrace people for who they are, our beautifully, scripted dreams become tarnished, which eventually leads to unnecessary heartache and disappointment.
When I got married, like Will, I had this picture in my head of how my marriage would be. In other words, I had created my own fairytale. You see, the story began years earlier with both of us in his aunt’s wedding (true story). We were in the wedding picture – he was the ring bearer and I was a flower girl. Perfect set up, right? So when we were reintroduced 20 years later, I was like, “This is it! This is my story.” After two months of talking on the phone and me imagining this 6’3, built dude on the other end, we finally met. He was not what I had imagined. And I am pretty sure I wasn’t what he had imagined either. Sadly, he did not have my heart, he only had my imagination. Instead of me letting go, I felt too embarrassed and obligated to see things through. Plus I was obsessed with my crazy timeline. So I got married.
Even in the marriage, I kept imagining how things could be. I was going to be Donna Stone or June Cleaver (both were homemakers on old sitcoms). Unlike them, I was a professional; however, I still imagined myself as the loving, supportive wife and homemaker. Then reality hit. He kept saying he was not happy. For the longest I could not figure out why he was not happy. I thought I was being a “good” wife. But in actuality I was just playing a role. My heart was not there. Years later, around the time I wrote my journal entry (2014), he told me he always knew I didn’t love him but chose to marry me anyway believing one day I would fall in love with him. Hmm.. sounds like Aaron from one of my favorite shows, Tyler Perry’s Sistas. Anyhoo, it never happened.
Back to my opening statement. There is no knight in shining amor who can rescue Shaun from the fairytale. Only Shaun can rescue Shaun. Will’s memoir was the perfect reminder. Life is not perfect and people are not created to live as characters inside our world. Do I still want a life similar to Sue Ellen (nah.. she was an alcoholic and JR was hell), Donna or June? Honestly, with the exception of Sue Ellen, absolutely! Donna and June weren’t just tv characters. They were Madear and Momma Kate. They were the women I spent most of my time with as a little girl. It’s them that I dreamt of becoming.
Last night, I told the kids that I am already living the life I have always imagined. No, there is no Alex, Ward, Big Daddy (Robert Campbell) or Mr. Sonny Mane (William Moore). There’s only me, my children and God, and I am absolutely loving life. Even without a husband, I am already living the life I have always dreamed. I guess you can say, I’m finally, finally free!
Being transparent does not mean sharing everything.
As many of you know, I am a big proponent for transparency. I believe that the more transparent a person is, the more human they are. I have always believed that people need to see the struggle or thought process behind the success in order to believe it for themselves. Well, that’s what I believed up until a couple of hours ago. Now, I’m not so sure if that is true.
Here is what just happened to me (yep.. another transparent moment). Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about a venture. She suggested that I pursue something I had done in the past but not really interested in doing now. We discussed it for a while and I was like, nah, the timing isn’t right. Fast forward to two hours ago when I came across a Facebook memory from 2017 of me actually doing exactly what my friend and I had discussed. Y’all already know I’m emotional. So the first thing I wanted to do was share the news with everyone. I wanted to tell everyone that that was where God was leading me. I wanted to share that that particular memory was the confirmation I needed. God instructed me to only tell my friend, the one who I discussed it with. Instead I shared it on Facebook. Immediately I felt convicted. I knew I was not supposed to share it with everyone. You want to know how I knew? Not even 30 minutes before, on another account, I saw this message and saved it.
Yep.. So I went back and made the post private. I did not delete it because it is still confirmation but also a reminder to be obedient. Allowing God to lead sometimes means I cannot be as transparent as I would like to be, and keeping moves to myself does not make me any less human.
How often have you said, “Thy will be done,” lately? Me, I haven’t. Haven’t said it in a while. I used to say it all of the time, especially when I set out to do something new – new job, new venture, new collaborations, new relationships. I used to pray and ask God if it were in His will to allow it to happen and if not, please allow it to pass. Well, what happened? Why did I stop using my disclaimer (that’s what I call it)?
The answer that comes to mind – I thought I could force whatever I wanted into something that would fit God’s will. I saw the vision. I somewhat know the purpose. However, instead of waiting on God before moving, I thought I would make my own moves to get there. For someone who is always talking about allowing God to lead, I seem to keep falling short in certain areas. It’s as if I do not trust Him with certain aspects of my life. I know that whenever I say, “Thy will be done,” it opens up the doors for any and everything that could possibly happen. In other words, it frightens me. I have witnessed people lose loved ones, become paralyzed, get cancer, and so much more. To me, and I am just being honest, saying that one phrase opens the door for unknown (sometimes bad) things to happen. You could become ill like Job (in the Bible) or get hit with a life that you did not want, something miserable. As I wrote those last few words, God reminded me that Job’s story did not end with him being down. Because of his faithfulness and unwavering belief in God, God restored everything he lost and added more. Job did not live out the rest of his days sick and down, he lived a happy life.
So, who is to say that my worst days are not behind me. Maybe I have already seen my worst. Up until a year or so ago, I used my disclaimer quite often, and God always saw me through the tough times – ALWAYS. Therefore, I must believe that the best is still to come, not the worst. I have to know that saying, “Thy will be done,” releases the shackles I have placed on God and will allow Him to do great things in my life. It is not in His will for me to suffer but to be prosperous. However, I must believe this. And I know from experience, if I only imagine the worst, I will never be open to receive the good. Been through this before. It’s all about mindset.
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Had to stop what I was doing to write this blog. For a few years now, there has been an underlying issue that I have refused to fully address. Whenever it rears its ugly head, I try my best to distance myself from it. The issue – my lack of confidence.
I believe I somewhat addressed this issue when I wrote about an incident that happened in 2017 or 2018 when blew a presentation. I just could not seem to bounce back. Today, I am still dealing with the aftermath of what happened that day. Last year when I co-authored a book, I felt like my confidence had returned. But it really hadn’t. To this day, I still find myself second and triple guessing things as simple as tweets, posts and blogs before, or if, I post them.
This morning, while reviewing a recording of a presentation I gave, I saw it. I saw my lack of confidence! It wasn’t that I was not prepared for the presentation. I had rehearsed it so many times. I knew the material. However, when it came time for delivery, I failed. I am not even sure why I was so nervous. I looked like an amateur. What happened? What happened to my confidence?
I keep saying it was that one failed presentation that caused it, but to be honest, it is an accumulation of things that have happened over the years. For one, going back to college later in life. I rarely felt out of place when I was getting my associates degree. But once I transferred to the college/university world, things changed. As much as I tried to fit in, I never felt like I belonged. The students were younger, more vibrant, and smarter! Honestly, I felt like I had no chance of competing with them. I remember having so much confidence when I graduated from high school. I guess over time that confidence dwindled. Remaining in academia and working with research after graduation did not make things any better. I went from being surrounded by elite undergraduate students to sitting at tables with professors using their “scholarly” voices. I do not blame them one bit for my discomfort. Many never knew how I felt internally. Those who did, intentionally made me feel welcomed. For that, I will forever be grateful.
Back to the downward spiral of my confidence. Social media! Social media really made me feel inadequate. So many opinions. Early on I found myself trying to carefully craft my words before posting. You know, I didn’t want to sound illiterate. And don’t let me get started on grammatical errors. I would literally have anxiety attacks whenever I made mistakes. It was too much! Sometimes it’s still too much.
So, how will I get my confidence back?
Give myself the grace that I give others to be human. I know that God has placed me where I am, and where I have been, for a specific purpose. I can see how my lack of confidence has been a hindrance. So, now that I know what makes me feel inadequate, I have to be intentional about being confident. I have too much to achieve!
As always, thanks for reading! I am going to publish this as written. I cannot continue to allow my imperfections to control me.
This morning I woke up with Whitney Houston’s I Didn’t Know My Own Strength playing over and over in my head. Truthfully, how I have made it thus far is a blur. As I look back over my adulthood, I’m amazed at how many challenges I encountered and actually overcame. Some, I thought I would never make it through. Yet I’m here. I made it!
Transparent Moment –
Last night I received a credit alert informing me that my credit score had increased in double digits. In tears as I write. Allow me to share why this is so significant. Here’s my story.
When I was 23 years old, I filed for bankruptcy. At the time, I was a single mom with a debt I believed I could not repay. My daughter was almost two years old and daycare was eating up most of my paycheck – especially when I worked 12 hour shifts on nights and weekends. Therefore, I relied on credit cards to purchase food and necessities and pay bills.
The other day I was looking through old photos and came across pictures of my first apartment. I had moved from a small, fully furnished trailer/mobile home to this huge empty apartment, and the only living room furniture I could afford was two black bean bag chairs and a small stool, which held my lamp. I remember sleeping in my daughter’s toddler bed (I’m short- smile) until I could get a bed of my own. Which, of course, was purchased on credit. Needless to say, by the time my daughter was two, I was drowning in debt. I knew I had to find a way out and I believed bankruptcy was the solution. Some of you may ask why I did not ask for help since I was in the military. Well, I was too embarrassed to ask for help. I was constantly being praised for being a young, single mom with my life “together,” so it was hard asking for help. Talk about the stress of trying to be perfect, all while falling apart inside. It was too much!
Just like the day I decided to join the Air Force, deciding to file for bankruptcy was a spontaneous move. I did not have a plan in place nor a lawyer in mind. One day I just woke up and decided to search the yellow pages of the phone book for a bankruptcy lawyer. Listen, one thing about me, when I’m fed up with my circumstances, I will find a way out. Sometimes I do not make the best decisions but I get out. After finding a lawyer who seemed kind on paper (and he was very kind), I scheduled a meeting. Two months and $850 later, the majority of my debt was gone. I still had my car and furniture notes, but I could breathe again. It wasn’t until years later that I actually looked at the amount of debt charged off – $6500. Only $6500 worth of debt. I cannot believe such a small amount of debt caused so much anguish.
Fast forward to about eight years ago. For the second time in my life, I was drowning in debt, but this time I was married and making more money than I ever had. Two incomes and I was living off of payday loans – five payday loans to be exact – three local and two online, plus credit card debt. Yep.. that’s how I was living. I was a mess! I have never been into material things (clothes, shoes, bags, cars, etc.), but I loved to travel and I loved food (and still love both – smile). Honestly, I’m not sure when everything got out of hand, but it did. The sad part is my ex-husband had no idea. He was clueless about what was happening. He never knew how I made ends meet because everything that was in his name was always paid first. I made sure of that.
Months before we separated, I had watched the documentary Spent: Looking for Change . Y’all, that documentary changed my life. I finally felt like I wasn’t the only one who had gotten in over my head and couldn’t get out. So many of the stories resonated with me. The thing that mostly stood out was the sharers willingness to make hard sacrifices to get out of debt. Afterwards, I was inspired to change. Unfortunately, at the time that I chose to clean up my debt, my marriage was also ending. I remember finally paying off my last payday loan only to have my ex reroute his direct deposit to another account. This caused our joint, and my only, account to be overdrawn. All of the automatic payments that came out on the first of the month were either paid through overdraft or returned. I was hundreds in the whole. The only way I knew to get out was to either write more checks (payday loans), try to get a long-term loan, ask him for money (which was what he wanted) or let it ride. I decided to let it ride until the electricity was cut off. Sigh. I’m not going to retell everything that happened during the following months because I don’t want to relive it. Just know that that particular year was one of my hardest – from driving a car that was on its last leg to foreclosure, but I made it through!
Now, here I am seven years after the separation (now divorce), making far less money, in a fairly new house and car (no car note), barely any credit card debt, money in my bank account and savings, bills paid and my credit score increasing. Yesterday, I went to start my car and the battery was dead. Now I’m really in tears. You don’t know how good it felt to be able to purchase a battery without worrying about where the money would come from or what sacrifices I would have to make just to purchase it.
Y’all, I have come a long way to get where I am today. It was not easy. Believe me, the struggle was real. I’m so grateful I stuck with God and allowed Him to lead. For real! It was because of Him that I made it. One day I’ll share my entire story. Believe me, it was all God. Yep.. I’m crying. It was ALL God!
As always, thank you for reading. Wishing you an absolutely wonderful day.
Found this quote in a journal entry. Not sure of the context but it must have stood out for me to write it down.
Suddenly is an accumulation of events that happened while you were waiting.
Pastor Joel Osteen
Over the past week or so, I have found lists of goals in random places – journal entries, saved notes, and scribbled on pieces of paper. Every time I find one, I am always amazed at how many goals I have actually achieved without ever revisiting the lists. Honestly, I am not sure how things happen without me actively pursuing them, but somehow they do. Which leads me back to Pastor Osteen’s quote. Suddenly really isn’t something that happens randomly, but an accumulation of events that were set in motion once written down.
Yesterday, I found another list and added updates. Then I made a new list. Can’t wait to revisit it in the future!
Y’all, I hope this all made sense. I really need to stop writing so early in the morning. Especially when I am half asleep. Ugh! I’m on day 137 of continuous blogging and it is also Wednesday, so I had to write. (Smile)
Good Morning! It’s September 22, 2019. No social media find today, only my thoughts. This weathered, folded note is a journal entry I wrote on September 22, 2014. I call it my “purse note.” I have kept this one, and a few others that I’ve added over time, in my purse for years. I actually read them quite often to make sure I’m on track, especially when I become discouraged.
This morning I just want to say, don’t give up. Don’t settle. No matter how things look, hold on. Because, what’s for you, is already yours. Remember that God’s blessings are better than life! I love y’all.🙏🏽♥️
Honestly, I have not read my notes in a while. Started with one note that I was supposed to read daily. Now I have several ranging from 2014 – 2021. They keep me motivated and encouraged. They remind me that no matter how things appear, I am still on track.
The other day, while reading journal entries from the late 90s, I came across a list of goals I had forgotten I had written. After reading them, I was surprised to see that my goals really haven’t changed much. What I desired to achieve then, I still desire to achieve today. Overall, nothing has changed.
So here is what’s in the photo – a copy of my first “purse note” from September 22, 2014 and my goals from March 30, 1997 (both unedited).
Goals. Dreams. Motivation.
Well, as you can see, I keep and document just about everything. From personal stories to current events, I have them documented somewhere in my journals. Whenever I come across an entry where I have documented major events from someone’s life – births, marriages, etc. – I screenshot the passage and send it to them. They seem to love it.
I love my life.
Thanks for reading! Wishing you a wonderful Wednesday.
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