Tag: storytelling

Life

Love

Shaun Bradford
Or until you read old journal entries. Lol!

I have been writing a lot lately. Guess you can say I have had a lot on my mind. Those darn journal entries! Lol.

Last year during quarantine, I found a few journals I had forgotten about. Well, last night I decided to read one from a couple of decades ago. Have you ever been in love with someone who did not feel the same? I’m not talking about being in a relationship where love is clearly one sided. I’m talking about being in love with a friend. A friend who, from what I read, sent out so many mixed signals. From everything I wrote, one would assume he was somewhat in love with me too, or was he just teasing me – if so, how cruel! The reason I say this is because of some of the things he did and said were not things you would do and say to a friend, but to a lover. Eventually, I told him I loved him. Y’all, I don’t remember doing this and cringed while reading it – how embarrassing! The only reaction from him, that I recorded, was him ghosting me for a week or so then he was back like I never confessed my love for him. And we carried on as usual – late night phone calls when we couldn’t sleep. Going places together. Him cooking for me. Teasing each other. I mean, nothing changed except I learned to keep my feelings to myself.

Eventually, I left that duty station and we remained in touch. After I found myself missing him like crazy, I decided to find someone who would make me forget about him. Boy was that a mistake – a big one! Word of advice, don’t listen to people who tell you the best way to get over someone is to find someone else. From my experience, that NEVER works. Believe me, more than likely you will end up regretting it.

Today, I still talk to my friend, who is now happily married. Until last night, I honestly had forgotten about how in love I was with him. Years ago, when we reconnected, I felt like I had found an old friend. Never once did I think, “I was in love with him.” Now, I will say, I always told people he would have been the one I would have married had he asked. Honestly, I would have done it without hesitation because he was my best friend. I loved being with him and everything about him.

Side note – Y’all, I was really in love with this guy and completely forgot about it. Hilarious!

Anyhoo… talk about transparency. I’m pretty sure if he were to read this, he would know it is about him. It’s okay, though. Those feelings are long gone. I am just happy to be his friend and so happy he found love. One day, the same will happen for me.

Okay.. I believe this is enough transparency for today. Maybe for the year. As usual, thanks for reading my ramblings. Wishing you a fabulous week!

Shaun

Life

Hello Sunday

Shaun Bradford

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”Jeremiah 1:5

That scripture came from my morning reading. This next part was amongst my Facebook memories from September 19, 2018.

Quote – “God is calling you, equipping you, [and] preparing you according to His purpose.”

And this was my caption in response to the quote:

I’m so thankful God chose me to fulfill His purpose. Despite my quirkiness, He chose me to carry out this part of His mission. So grateful He loves me as I am. There’s NO love like God’s love!

Based on everything written above, sounds like God has a lot of work for me to do. The humbling part is, I do not have to change who I am to fulfill His purpose. As the scripture above suggests, God already knew what kind of person I would be even before I was conceived. He knew I would see and do things slightly different from others. He knew that no matter how hard I would try, I would never fit anyone’s mold. “. . . before you were born I set you apart.” Whew!

Y’all, I needed this reassurance. Sometimes I do not feel like I belong in certain spaces, but for some odd reason God keeps placing me in them. From here on, whenever I feel unqualified I must remember – God chose ME!

Same for you. If you ever find yourself in spaces that you feel unqualified to be in, just remember – God chose YOU! You are the ONLY one qualified to fulfill that specific part of His purpose. Yessss, YOU!!!

Listen, always remember who you are and Whose you are, and everything will work out just fine. Enjoy your week!

Shaun

Life

I’m Learning

Shaun Bradford

Listening to God and following His lead is fairly easy when we are in agreement. However, when I don’t completely agree with where He is leading me, or unsure of the outcome, it is quite difficult. But I’m learning. Yes, slowly but surely, I am learning.

I often reference journal entries and Facebook memories because they give me a picture of where I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes I find that I have grown a lot. However, sometimes I find I haven’t grown at all. That I have only gotten older. Just being transparent.

This brings me to the point of giving God total control to lead. Which means I have to listen and obey without having a hand in the outcome. I am not going to lie, sometimes I do not like following God’s lead because His guidance can result in loss, disappointment, and heartache. Just keeping it real! However, in the end, things always seem to work out for the best. Hmmm… funny how that happens.

Well, what led me to write this blog was a journal entry from September 18, 2017. In the entry, I mentioned two individuals I was dead set on helping even though God kept telling me to cut ties. Y’all, I couldn’t do it. God sent so many signs, but I had other plans. I wrote how it was not about me but the “bigger picture.” But whose bigger picture? Mine or God’s? Honestly, not letting go caused more damage than it would have if I had listened and let go when I was instructed to do so. It took me a minute to be obedient. However, once I was, I began to grow.

As I said, I am still learning. God sees and knows all things. He knows our heart and intentions as well as others. He knows what keeps us stagnant and what promotes growth. Slowly, but surely, I am learning. Anxious to see what God has in store.

Shaun

Life

The Truth Shall Set You Free

Shaun Bradford

I don’t even know where to begin. What happens when what you thought happened and what really happened, aren’t the same?

Been reading journal entries from 1992. Many entries were significant. However, this particular entry – written a few weeks before I left for basic training – hit me like a ton of bricks! Y’all, for almost 30 years I have been retelling this one particular story all wrong, very wrong. Well… maybe I have or maybe not. You decide. I do know that the way I remembered what happened has significantly influenced my life and decisions I have made over the years.

Here is how I have been telling it. How I remembered.

“Blue Eyes (y’all know I don’t use names) and I were sitting in the stairwell when I told him I had joined the Air Force. I could see he was disappointed. The words he said next have haunted me for years – ‘You’re just going to end up pregnant and alone.’ And he was right. I ended up pregnant and alone.”

Well… here is what I wrote on May 4, 1992.

“Blue Eyes said that I’ll probably end up married before I come back.”

Hmmm….. not pregnant and alone. Nothing about me getting pregnant or being alone. Did I really make it all up? Or at the time that I wrote the entry, was it not that significant? Could it be that I did not remember the rest of our conversation until I found out I was pregnant?

Well, for almost 30 years I felt like trash whenever I retold that story. I felt like he thought I was not worthy of love or marriage. As if I was destined to be alone. Did I project this on myself based off of something I thought I remembered? Why did I not remember the married part? Had I gotten married instead of pregnant, would I have remembered?

Sadly, I allowed one story, remembered incorrectly or partially, to control my life. Yes, it has actually controlled my life. It has controlled how I have perceived my worthiness. For years I have always seen myself as a single mother. Of course I eventually got married, but in my mind I was still a single mom. What is even more crazy is, I got married because I wanted to prove my worthiness. That I was worth more than being “pregnant and alone.” You know, sometimes it’s not the big things that happen to us that bothers us the most but the tiniest. Y’all, what I thought I remembered hurt me to my core.

Honestly, I really do believe he said it because I remember the pain from that conversation. It was not a good feeling. And to think that was the last conversation we ever had.

Today, I am releasing all of the remnants from that conversation. How I perceive myself today, and my worthiness, is not based on some conversation in a stairwell almost 30 years ago. From here on out I will no longer view myself as a single mom but as someone who is single with two beautiful children who is worthy of love and marriage.

Resetting my life. Feeling free!

Listen, you better get you a journal.

Shaun

Life

My September 1st

Shaun Bradford

I really don’t know where to begin. Yesterday, September 1, was surreal. I am still trying to process it all, but I really don’t want to. Last week I shared that my Aunt Beaulah had passed. Yesterday morning we learned of one of my mom’s younger stepbrothers passing. Then hours later, her aunt, my great aunt and late grandfather’s only sibling, passed. Marvin was in Georgia and Aunt Deloris was here in Mississippi. Neither were COVID related.

My Aunt Beaulah (dad’s sister) had been suffering for years. Over her adulthood she’d had multiple strokes and heart attacks. We always joked that she was like a cat with nine lives. However, this last time she did not bounce back. My dad had three sisters, two of which passed nearly forty years ago. So for years she had been his only baby sister. Up until last year, it was my dad, two uncles and Aunt Beaulah. Last summer my Uncle Sam passed. Now Aunt Beaulah is gone. There are only two of them left. My heart aches for my dad and Uncle Bob. Neither are in good health. I can only imagine what it must feel like to be the last ones standing. As I said, I am still trying to process it all.

My Aunt Deloris (mom’s aunt), who actually read my blogs, was my girl! Now she could tell a good story. The last time I visited her, I told her that I was going to record her stories about her childhood. I explained how I wanted to capture her voice as well as her story so that future generations would be able to hear her speak. My plan was to do it this weekend when I visited for my Aunt Beaulah’s burial. I guess you could say God already knew it would never happen the way I had planned. He knew I would not have time to do things “just right.” Last year, as we celebrated her 75th birthday, I recorded her reciting names from our family tree dating back to the late 1800s. Perhaps that was all I needed to record. I also took pictures of names and dates of births and deaths that were kept in a bible her mother handed down to her. She was all about family. She loved us and we loved her dearly. She will be missed.

Marvin, my mom’s little brother, one of my first playmates, will definitely be missed. Words cannot even describe how I am feeling about his death. He was only a few years older than me. No one knew this but Marvin was the first person I told about me contemplating my divorce. I needed to tell someone and that someone happened to be him. Although I did not ask him to keep it between us, he did. That was the kind of person he was – loyal, a true friend and confidant. I am forever grateful for the time we got to spend together. Earlier this summer, he was diagnosed with cancer, which had already progressed to stage 4. During my trip to Atlanta, we had planned to visit but opted for FaceTime instead. That was the last time I actually saw him. Our last text was almost two weeks ago. He will also be missed.

Y’all, I’m in a daze. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to cry. I feel like I’m tiptoeing around my own feelings trying not to reminisce too much. I was so excited about this new month of September. Said I wanted to do something different. Little did I know this month was going to start off like this. I am still optimistic that this will be a wonderful month full of opportunities and adventures even if I have to intentionally make them happen.

Y’all be blessed.

Shaun

Rest well, Aunt Deloris.
Rest well, Marvin.
Life

Wednesday Writings

Shaun Bradford

Hello! Hello! Hello!! It’s almost 3:00 a.m. here in Hattiesburg. Since I am wide awake, I will go ahead and post today’s blog. This one is from another Facebook memory dated August 11, 2018. I read it and just had to share.

How many of us, no matter how far we have progressed in our mental and spiritual journey, are still struggling to heal from something no one knows about. That thing that knocks us to our knees from time to time. I refuse to believe I am the only one who experiences this.

A few weeks ago, my son asked if I ever had moments where I thought about something I did and instantly became embarrassed; something I was too embarrassed to share with someone else. I told him yes. That it happened more often than I liked. I went on to explain that most of the time whatever happened was so small, yet I couldn’t seem to get over it. That’s when I shared one of my moments with him, something I had never shared with anyone else. Honestly, I felt completely comfortable sharing it with him. I guess it’s because he is the only one who does not make me feel crazy or weird when I tell him things. Yes, he’s my gift. Grateful God placed him in my life.

Anyhoo… back to the Facebook memory. Here is what I shared three years ago.

August 11, 2018

I believe all of us can relate to this one. No matter how strong we are, or how much we’ve overcome, there’s always that one little thing we can’t seem to shake. Sending prayers and love!🙏🏽💕 #PrayAndWorship #GotsGotYou #YoureCovered

Thanks for reading. Wishing you a fantastic Wednesday!

Shaun

Life

Hello Sunday

Shaun Bradford

Hello Everyone! Hope this blog finds you well. Thought I would open today’s blog with a proper greeting because you deserved to be greeted properly. Now, I am not going to promise this will happen often, however, it is happening today. Smile

For those of you who have been reading my blogs for a while, you know I constantly reference two things – trusting God and fulfilling my purpose. You would think by now I would have trusting God mastered. Well, to be completely honest, I don’t. I mean, my trust is getting stronger over time; however, I do slip up from time to time and try to do things on my own. This does not mean I do not have faith that God will do what He’s said. It means sometimes I think He could use a little help with hurrying things along. Now, I know I cannot be the only one who does this. Anyhoo.. today I would like to share a Facebook memory from 2018. The “social media” find I am referring to in my post is the following quote from Bruce Van Horn.

Focus more on WHY you want your dreams to come true rather than how to make them come true. The “HOWS” happen in miraculous ways!

Bruce Van Horn

Facebook Memory: August 8, 2018

Today’s social media find. I’ve found this to be true. The more I focus on why I want my dreams to come true, the more things fall into place. When I focus on the “hows,” I tend to worry and become anxious. I’m learning more and more to let go and let God handle the “hows.”

Two Questions: Why do you want your dreams to come true? What’s your purpose?

As I mentioned earlier, I am getting better with trusting God – that is, completely trusting God to handle everything, or the “HOWS”. The newest task that has been added to this journey is expectation. Basically, expecting to receive God’s blessings (during the how moments) while staying focused on my dream, or my purpose. Yeah.. it’s pretty complicated. My problem has been going from trust to expectation without becoming anxious because I do not see anything happening. I know it’s going to happen because He said it would. But.. WHEN?! HOW?! Now, THAT is a discussion for another blog! Lol. One day I will share my testimonies. Believe me, there are many. Y’all, God is constantly blowing my mind! Smile

Well, that’s all I have for you today. Have a blessed week!

Shaun

Life

Hello Sunday

Shaun Bradford

Just woke up from a disturbing dream. I was working at my old job and dealing with some of the same people and issues that eventually led to my resignation. While laying here thinking, l began hearing the song, How I Got Over. The song says:

How I got over
How I got over
My soul looks back and wonder how I got over

Whew! Y’all, God is good. I am so grateful that stage of my journey is over. As I think about the last thirty years of adulthood, I can’t help but smile. I made it through some difficult times. And y’all, I’m still here! Again, God is so good!

My soul looks back and wonder how I got over.

Thanks for reading. Wishing you a fabulous week!

Shaun