Tag: relationships
Trying to Understand Why?
Yes, this is my second time writing today. Had to get this off my chest and see if anyone can help me understand, “Why?”. Why is it so difficult for some – not going to say most or all – men to dissociate their child from the child’s mother? Here’s my story:
After several attempts at watching Christopher Nolen’s A Christmas Wish, I finally finished it. For me, it was unbelievably difficult to watch because I felt like I was the mom in the story having to provide for a child without conditional financial assistance from the father. You see, the father (ex-husband) in the story refused to pay child support, but said he would provide everything the child needed if and when she asked. This was the first issue I had. The next was the father’s plea to the mom – “Why don’t you let me take care of you? You know I still love you.” Which brings me back to my original question, why is it so difficult for men to see the mother and child as two separate individuals? Why couldn’t he take care of the child without associating it with his love for the mom?
After I had my daughter, I refused to ask her father for child support. I was not going to beg him to take care of his child. Plus, just like the father in the movie, he kept saying he wanted to take care of both of us. He wanted us to be together. But he was already with someone else. And when I refused, he decided not to provide for her. He told me if I needed anything, to just ask. Well, I didn’t. I believed if he wanted to take care of her he would do it on his own. I mean, mothers don’t have a choice. We do it whether the father is around or not. Well, after a couple of years of my mom telling me I needed to put my pride aside and seek support for my daughter, I did. I filed for child support before I left for Turkey. The agency reported that they were not able to locate him. Then a few months after arriving in Turkey, I received a letter from him stating if I wanted support, he was going to seek joint custody. My daughter was three years old and had never laid eyes on him nor spoken to him. Not because I would not allow it, but because I chose not to be with him. Y’all, he never even spoke to my baby! From birth, I kept him and his parents informed about her progress. I sent pictures. I wrote letters and neither him nor his family made an effort to have a relationship with her. So there was no way I was going to give him joint custody just to receive a check. So, I chose to raise her on my own.
Fast forward to today and my now ex. Almost the exact same scenario. I’m not going to lie, it hurts. Never in a million years did I expect it from him because he knew what I went through with my daughter’s father. So yeah, watching the movie was very difficult. The pain is still very fresh. In the movie, the little girl’s wish was for them to be a family again on Christmas Day, and of course it happened. Well, up until two years ago, I did the family Christmas thing, but ended it because it only gave my ex false hope of us getting back together. Before the next Christmas rolled around, I informed my son that we were no longer going to spend Christmases together. This was also after finally being granted the divorce after over four years of waiting. And guess what? My son was actually okay with it.
Even though it took me several attempts to get through the movie, I did it. It may seem insignificant to you, but it’s an accomplishment for me. Y’all, I really didn’t think I could do it. It hurt too badly. At times I found myself yelling at the television begging the mom not to take him back. Yeah, it was painful to watch.
Here is my takeaway from the movie, or what I needed to come to terms with. Yes, some people settle for package deal because that is what works for them. And guess what? It’s okay. Me, I did not accept the package deal so I must accept the consequences of my actions. Lastly, I have to let it go. My son is 18 and my daughter is 26. There has never been a time in their lives that I was not able to provide for them or did not ask for help when I really needed it. I can no longer beat myself up over the relationship/lack of relationship they have with their fathers because I chose not to accept the package deal. Yes, it’s time for me to let it go.
After I had my daughter, I would often ask her father why he could not take care of her without taking care of me. He said because he loved me and all of us should be together. I’m still bewildered.
If anyone has the answer, please let me know.
Shaun
Hello Sunday
Just published my second blog. Some may read it. Some may not. Either way, I have to keep up what I’ve started. We shall see. With God’s help, it’ll be done.
Amen
That was four years ago on December 19, 2017. In tears because I kept blogging with or without reads. Slowly but surely I am learning to embrace the things I love doing and to stop chasing things others believe I should. Every day I am reminded that life is so precious and to waste it chasing things I do not love, is not living.
Yesterday, I FaceTimed my aunt (mom’s only living sister on her mom’s side) who is recovering from brain surgery. Y’all, she seemed like a totally different person. She said that she’s just grateful to be alive and intends to enjoy every minute of life. I feel her.
Y’all, God is working. Don’t know if you feel it, but I definitely do. It is as if He is truly making everything new, and I love it!
I am not sure what 2022 holds. Honestly, I am not even worried about it. My plan is to live for today while trusting God to handle the rest. Amen
Thanks for reading! Wishing you a wonderfully, blessed day.
Shaun
Hello Sunday
There is no way I can go into another relationship broken. I must realize there is no knight in shining armor to rescue me from myself.
Journal Entry, December 12, 2014
Whew! What a statement! “. . . there is no knight in shining armor to rescue me from myself.”
Several weeks ago, I watched an Oprah interview with Will Smith. It was about the release of his new memoir, WILL. Y’all, before the interview was over, I had already preordered his book. Much of what he said during his interview resonated with me so much that I just had to hear more!
Like Will, I’m a dreamer and a lover. I have always envisioned my life playing out a certain way. In his book, he mentioned Dallas was one of this favorite nighttime soap operas when he was younger. He said he always wanted to own a ranch like Southfork and imagined his wife riding up to the family house on her horse. Listen, that was me. I had the same dream. I was the wife. I was Sue Ellen. Lol. As we know, real life is not scripted. We have to factor in others’ feelings, desires, wants, needs and dreams. And most of the time theirs are different from ours. I believe when we fail to embrace people for who they are, our beautifully, scripted dreams become tarnished, which eventually leads to unnecessary heartache and disappointment.
When I got married, like Will, I had this picture in my head of how my marriage would be. In other words, I had created my own fairytale. You see, the story began years earlier with both of us in his aunt’s wedding (true story). We were in the wedding picture – he was the ring bearer and I was a flower girl. Perfect set up, right? So when we were reintroduced 20 years later, I was like, “This is it! This is my story.” After two months of talking on the phone and me imagining this 6’3, built dude on the other end, we finally met. He was not what I had imagined. And I am pretty sure I wasn’t what he had imagined either. Sadly, he did not have my heart, he only had my imagination. Instead of me letting go, I felt too embarrassed and obligated to see things through. Plus I was obsessed with my crazy timeline. So I got married.
Even in the marriage, I kept imagining how things could be. I was going to be Donna Stone or June Cleaver (both were homemakers on old sitcoms). Unlike them, I was a professional; however, I still imagined myself as the loving, supportive wife and homemaker. Then reality hit. He kept saying he was not happy. For the longest I could not figure out why he was not happy. I thought I was being a “good” wife. But in actuality I was just playing a role. My heart was not there. Years later, around the time I wrote my journal entry (2014), he told me he always knew I didn’t love him but chose to marry me anyway believing one day I would fall in love with him. Hmm.. sounds like Aaron from one of my favorite shows, Tyler Perry’s Sistas. Anyhoo, it never happened.
Back to my opening statement. There is no knight in shining amor who can rescue Shaun from the fairytale. Only Shaun can rescue Shaun. Will’s memoir was the perfect reminder. Life is not perfect and people are not created to live as characters inside our world. Do I still want a life similar to Sue Ellen (nah.. she was an alcoholic and JR was hell), Donna or June? Honestly, with the exception of Sue Ellen, absolutely! Donna and June weren’t just tv characters. They were Madear and Momma Kate. They were the women I spent most of my time with as a little girl. It’s them that I dreamt of becoming.
Last night, I told the kids that I am already living the life I have always imagined. No, there is no Alex, Ward, Big Daddy (Robert Campbell) or Mr. Sonny Mane (William Moore). There’s only me, my children and God, and I am absolutely loving life. Even without a husband, I am already living the life I have always dreamed. I guess you can say, I’m finally, finally free!
Thanks for reading!
Shaun
Wednesday Writings
Thy will be done.
How often have you said, “Thy will be done,” lately? Me, I haven’t. Haven’t said it in a while. I used to say it all of the time, especially when I set out to do something new – new job, new venture, new collaborations, new relationships. I used to pray and ask God if it were in His will to allow it to happen and if not, please allow it to pass. Well, what happened? Why did I stop using my disclaimer (that’s what I call it)?
The answer that comes to mind – I thought I could force whatever I wanted into something that would fit God’s will. I saw the vision. I somewhat know the purpose. However, instead of waiting on God before moving, I thought I would make my own moves to get there. For someone who is always talking about allowing God to lead, I seem to keep falling short in certain areas. It’s as if I do not trust Him with certain aspects of my life. I know that whenever I say, “Thy will be done,” it opens up the doors for any and everything that could possibly happen. In other words, it frightens me. I have witnessed people lose loved ones, become paralyzed, get cancer, and so much more. To me, and I am just being honest, saying that one phrase opens the door for unknown (sometimes bad) things to happen. You could become ill like Job (in the Bible) or get hit with a life that you did not want, something miserable. As I wrote those last few words, God reminded me that Job’s story did not end with him being down. Because of his faithfulness and unwavering belief in God, God restored everything he lost and added more. Job did not live out the rest of his days sick and down, he lived a happy life.
So, who is to say that my worst days are not behind me. Maybe I have already seen my worst. Up until a year or so ago, I used my disclaimer quite often, and God always saw me through the tough times – ALWAYS. Therefore, I must believe that the best is still to come, not the worst. I have to know that saying, “Thy will be done,” releases the shackles I have placed on God and will allow Him to do great things in my life. It is not in His will for me to suffer but to be prosperous. However, I must believe this. And I know from experience, if I only imagine the worst, I will never be open to receive the good. Been through this before. It’s all about mindset.
Lord, Thy will be done.
As always, thanks for reading!
Be Blessed –
Shaun
Wednesday Writings
It’s not Wednesday yet, but it will be by the time I finish writing. I just need to get this out before I go to sleep. Can’t have this heaviness weighing on me.
Warning: This blog is about one of my favorite television shows. Please feel free to stop reading at any time. Believe me, I know it’s not that interesting. I just need to get this off my chest.
Here we go…
I don’t know why certain things bother me so much. Tonight I was watching one of my favorite shows – Tyler Perry’s The Oval – and there was this scene between this married couple that really upset me. Here’s a little of their backstory:
Richard and Nancy have been married for about 24 years. While Richard was deployed Iraq, Nancy had an affair with Richard’s father and had a son. Nancy kept this secret for over 20 years by pretending he was her nephew. Well, after her son was shot and killed she decided to tell Richard the truth – her nephew was actually her son. AND the only reason she told him was because she needed help with paying for her son’s burial. Can you imagine holding a secret like that for years and only confessing because you’re in a bind? Well, that’s what Nancy did. Honestly, I wasn’t as upset about the secret as I was about how she shared the news. She just blurted it out. No shame. No guilt. No remorse. Just blurted it out. She needed Richard’s help and believed that since he was her husband he was supposed to happily give her the money. She could care less about the weight of the news she had just dropped on him. Talk about trifling!
Okay, now on to the part about the baby being his father’s. So, after Richard found out about Nancy’s son, he wanted to know the father’s identity. For weeks he begged her to tell him. Every time he asked, she would blow him off saying it didn’t matter because it was in the past. Well the more she blew him off, the worse things got between them. He kept telling her that all he wanted was the truth. Since she wouldn’t tell him, he decided he would have an affair of his own. Nancy found out about the affair – which never happened because the other lady didn’t want to be in the middle of their mess – and confessed that she had slept with his father. Of course Richard became upset because he assumed his father raped her. Ha! Not the case at all! She actually seduced his father. Said she was lonely. Now that really made him angry. Okay, so maybe this is when he tried to mess around on her but his love interest didn’t want to be involved in their mess. Talk about a smart move on her part. She saw the exit and took it. Lol
Anyway, Richard managed to avoid Nancy for weeks until tonight. Tonight he gave in and I lost all respect for him. Yes, I lost all respect for a fictional character. It was as if the sex made him forget the hurt and betrayal. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. So many people were tweeting how happy they were that Nancy finally got her man back. Ugh.. I was not happy at all. In fact, I was pretty upset. How could he give in that easily. Yes, she apologized with words but her actions didn’t show that she was truly sorry. Yes, she continued to try to love on him hoping he would eventually come around; however.. and here’s the kicker.. she never once acknowledged his feelings. Instead she kept telling him that the affair happened years before and that he shouldn’t be upset because she never did it again. But what difference did that make. Whether it happened over 20 years before or the day before, the pain was still the same, especially since he had just found out.
So here’s why it upset me. I believe if someone hurts you and they are truly sorry for their actions, they will selflessly give you time and space to feel, to be, and to heal; and not discount your feelings. Your feelings matter.
I really needed to get that out. I know the characters are fictional and the drama is definitely fake; however, sometimes things are a little too real. I remember being hurt and feeling betrayed. Even though my feelings weren’t acknowledged, they mattered. One thing I regret is not taking the time to feel and heal. Instead I bottled everything up inside and pretended not to hurt. Now I’m feeling. And healing. What a process.
God is good.
Shaun
You Are The Gift
My Baby Boy is 18!
I have an 18 year old!!!
Y’all, that time between birth and adulthood passed too quickly. Blinked one time and my infant son was a toddler. On the second blink, he was a preschooler. The next few blinks I barely remember – first day of elementary school, middle school, then high school. In a few months, graduation. Not even sure what will happen when I blink next.
Honestly, it has been an honor watching him grow into the young adult he is today. I am truly grateful God chose me to be his mother. Praying that his adulthood is filled with many blessings and much success. Also praying God gives me wisdom to properly guide and assist him through his next phase of life.
Two adult children – what will the next phase of my life look like?
Shaun
Love
I have been writing a lot lately. Guess you can say I have had a lot on my mind. Those darn journal entries! Lol.
Last year during quarantine, I found a few journals I had forgotten about. Well, last night I decided to read one from a couple of decades ago. Have you ever been in love with someone who did not feel the same? I’m not talking about being in a relationship where love is clearly one sided. I’m talking about being in love with a friend. A friend who, from what I read, sent out so many mixed signals. From everything I wrote, one would assume he was somewhat in love with me too, or was he just teasing me – if so, how cruel! The reason I say this is because of some of the things he did and said were not things you would do and say to a friend, but to a lover. Eventually, I told him I loved him. Y’all, I don’t remember doing this and cringed while reading it – how embarrassing! The only reaction from him, that I recorded, was him ghosting me for a week or so then he was back like I never confessed my love for him. And we carried on as usual – late night phone calls when we couldn’t sleep. Going places together. Him cooking for me. Teasing each other. I mean, nothing changed except I learned to keep my feelings to myself.
Eventually, I left that duty station and we remained in touch. After I found myself missing him like crazy, I decided to find someone who would make me forget about him. Boy was that a mistake – a big one! Word of advice, don’t listen to people who tell you the best way to get over someone is to find someone else. From my experience, that NEVER works. Believe me, more than likely you will end up regretting it.
Today, I still talk to my friend, who is now happily married. Until last night, I honestly had forgotten about how in love I was with him. Years ago, when we reconnected, I felt like I had found an old friend. Never once did I think, “I was in love with him.” Now, I will say, I always told people he would have been the one I would have married had he asked. Honestly, I would have done it without hesitation because he was my best friend. I loved being with him and everything about him.
Side note – Y’all, I was really in love with this guy and completely forgot about it. Hilarious!
Anyhoo… talk about transparency. I’m pretty sure if he were to read this, he would know it is about him. It’s okay, though. Those feelings are long gone. I am just happy to be his friend and so happy he found love. One day, the same will happen for me.
Okay.. I believe this is enough transparency for today. Maybe for the year. As usual, thanks for reading my ramblings. Wishing you a fabulous week!
Shaun
The Truth Shall Set You Free
I don’t even know where to begin. What happens when what you thought happened and what really happened, aren’t the same?
Been reading journal entries from 1992. Many entries were significant. However, this particular entry – written a few weeks before I left for basic training – hit me like a ton of bricks! Y’all, for almost 30 years I have been retelling this one particular story all wrong, very wrong. Well… maybe I have or maybe not. You decide. I do know that the way I remembered what happened has significantly influenced my life and decisions I have made over the years.
Here is how I have been telling it. How I remembered.
“Blue Eyes (y’all know I don’t use names) and I were sitting in the stairwell when I told him I had joined the Air Force. I could see he was disappointed. The words he said next have haunted me for years – ‘You’re just going to end up pregnant and alone.’ And he was right. I ended up pregnant and alone.”
Well… here is what I wrote on May 4, 1992.
“Blue Eyes said that I’ll probably end up married before I come back.”
Hmmm….. not pregnant and alone. Nothing about me getting pregnant or being alone. Did I really make it all up? Or at the time that I wrote the entry, was it not that significant? Could it be that I did not remember the rest of our conversation until I found out I was pregnant?
Well, for almost 30 years I felt like trash whenever I retold that story. I felt like he thought I was not worthy of love or marriage. As if I was destined to be alone. Did I project this on myself based off of something I thought I remembered? Why did I not remember the married part? Had I gotten married instead of pregnant, would I have remembered?
Sadly, I allowed one story, remembered incorrectly or partially, to control my life. Yes, it has actually controlled my life. It has controlled how I have perceived my worthiness. For years I have always seen myself as a single mother. Of course I eventually got married, but in my mind I was still a single mom. What is even more crazy is, I got married because I wanted to prove my worthiness. That I was worth more than being “pregnant and alone.” You know, sometimes it’s not the big things that happen to us that bothers us the most but the tiniest. Y’all, what I thought I remembered hurt me to my core.
Honestly, I really do believe he said it because I remember the pain from that conversation. It was not a good feeling. And to think that was the last conversation we ever had.
Today, I am releasing all of the remnants from that conversation. How I perceive myself today, and my worthiness, is not based on some conversation in a stairwell almost 30 years ago. From here on out I will no longer view myself as a single mom but as someone who is single with two beautiful children who is worthy of love and marriage.
Resetting my life. Feeling free!
Listen, you better get you a journal.
Shaun
It’s Shaun’s World 
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