I’m awake. Can’t sleep. What do you do when you have absolutely no idea of what to do when your heart hurts? I know I have to push through. I know that in a few days I will not feel like this. I know that eventually the pain will fade. However, at this moment, I’m hurting.
I really hate writing sad, depressing blogs. I don’t feel like journaling. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like making a social media post. I chose to blog because somehow I actually feel like the universe hears me this way. Maybe… just maybe, by writing it here the universe will hear my pain and make everything okay.
I know this is just a moment I’m going through. I know it will pass. I know God’s got me. However, right now, I’m sad and my heart hurts.
Facebook memory: September 8, 2018 – Caption and picture.
How many of you have tried to rush things and God said, “Be still” or “Be patient”?
Be Still Be Patient God’s Working
I’m not going to lie, I have been feeling pretty low for a few days now. Can’t seem to stop crying. I keep asking myself where is my life headed. Honestly, it seems like my ambitions and dreams have shriveled up. All I’m left with is nothingness. Like, I feel nothing. I want nothing. I’m just here.
Yesterday, my son said I needed to get out the house and go somewhere, anywhere. I was like, all I’ve been doing is going. He said I needed to go somewhere for myself, not to take care of things for someone else. So, we drove down to the coast for lunch. He was right, I needed to do something for me. Now, here I am laying here with my thoughts. I just can’t seem to stop crying. I’ve been patient with myself for years, so why am I not further along? I don’t want to die without achieving my dreams; however, right now, I don’t have any drive to move forward. None. I just want to be.
I know this moment will pass. It always does. But it’s becoming harder and harder to bounce back. This is hard to admit but I’m beginning to feel hopeless. Just being transparent.
Life and death. Death and life. One thing I am learning about death, it either brings families closer together or push them further apart. It brings out the worst in some and the best in others. Some are only in it for recognition, while others truly care. So many egos. So many hurt feelings. It’stoo much.
Y’all, I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained. Today, all I want to do is be alone. Disconnecting today and will pick back up tomorrow. I just need a minute to process it all.
Perception – a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression
Question – If you perceive something to be true, is it actually true?
Social media has opened my eyes about the way we perceive things. Even when in agreement, we never truly understand the other person’s full perspective unless we ask, or they explain it in detail. Most of the time we assume that because we are in agreement, our perspectives are the same. When in reality, they are not.
Honestly, perceptions can be very deceptive. Especially when we attempt to interpret another person’s feelings or words. Have you ever wondered how someone perceived you based on your words, feelings or actions? Do you believe their perception would be accurate if they never spoke to or interacted with you? More than likely, not. So why do we assume our perceptions of others to be true?
My advice, if you really want to know how a person feels, or understand the meaning behind their words or messages, ASK. Also, people change over time. Just because they said something or felt a certain way a year ago, doesn’t mean they feel the same way today. Again, ASK.
As always, thanks for reading and enjoy the rest of your day!
Happy Sunday! Today’s blog is going to be another brief one.
Over the last couple of days, I haven’t felt like talking or interacting with people much. I’ve been in my “secret place” – the place that the Winans refer to in their song, Secret Place. Nothing bad. It’s just that lately I have had a lot on my mind like – pivoting, changing course, going in a different direction, dropping things/people that are causing more stress than being beneficial, and doing something new.. something totally different from what I have been doing the last 20 years or so. This is not the first time I have done this. Let’s just say it’s probably the third time in my lifetime. In my younger years, I wasn’t afraid to let things go or change courses. Now that I’m older, and somewhat wiser, I’m kind of hesitant. Will I have time to achieve new dreams and goals? I have always said the first half of my life (first 50) was for figuring things out, and the last half (50+) for living out my dreams. Didn’t think I would be changing directions this late in the game. Gotta love life.
I know I just rambled off a lot. Even with writing all of that, I still don’t feel like talking. I have a lot of decisions to make. I know it’s time for me to change courses. The direction I was headed in had me constantly stressed and anxious. I needed these last few months to get my head straight. You all will probably be the first to know where this new journey takes me.
By the way, this is my 92nd day of posting! YAY!! Consistency, discipline and dedication are key. Oh, and I actually love what I’m doing, especially creating the stories.
As always, thank you so much for putting up with my ramblings. Now you know how my journal feels. Smile.
Hello! Hello! Hello!! It’s almost 3:00 a.m. here in Hattiesburg. Since I am wide awake, I will go ahead and post today’s blog. This one is from another Facebook memory dated August 11, 2018. I read it and just had to share.
How many of us, no matter how far we have progressed in our mental and spiritual journey, are still struggling to heal from something no one knows about. That thing that knocks us to our knees from time to time. I refuse to believe I am the only one who experiences this.
A few weeks ago, my son asked if I ever had moments where I thought about something I did and instantly became embarrassed; something I was too embarrassed to share with someone else. I told him yes. That it happened more often than I liked. I went on to explain that most of the time whatever happened was so small, yet I couldn’t seem to get over it. That’s when I shared one of my moments with him, something I had never shared with anyone else. Honestly, I felt completely comfortable sharing it with him. I guess it’s because he is the only one who does not make me feel crazy or weird when I tell him things. Yes, he’s my gift. Grateful God placed him in my life.
Anyhoo… back to the Facebook memory. Here is what I shared three years ago.
August 11, 2018
I believe all of us can relate to this one. No matter how strong we are, or how much we’ve overcome, there’s always that one little thing we can’t seem to shake. Sending prayers and love!🙏🏽💕 #PrayAndWorship #GotsGotYou #YoureCovered
Thanks for reading. Wishing you a fantastic Wednesday!
Hello Everyone! Hope this blog finds you well. Thought I would open today’s blog with a proper greeting because you deserved to be greeted properly. Now, I am not going to promise this will happen often, however, it is happening today. Smile
For those of you who have been reading my blogs for a while, you know I constantly reference two things – trusting God and fulfilling my purpose. You would think by now I would have trusting God mastered. Well, to be completely honest, I don’t. I mean, my trust is getting stronger over time; however, I do slip up from time to time and try to do things on my own. This does not mean I do not have faith that God will do what He’s said. It means sometimes I think He could use a little help with hurrying things along. Now, I know I cannot be the only one who does this. Anyhoo.. today I would like to share a Facebook memory from 2018. The “social media” find I am referring to in my post is the following quote from Bruce Van Horn.
Focus more on WHY you want your dreams to come true rather than how to make them come true. The “HOWS” happen in miraculous ways!
Bruce Van Horn
Facebook Memory: August 8, 2018
Today’s social media find. I’ve found this to be true. The more I focus on why I want my dreams to come true, the more things fall into place. When I focus on the “hows,” I tend to worry and become anxious. I’m learning more and more to let go and let God handle the “hows.”
Two Questions: Why do you want your dreams to come true? What’s your purpose?
As I mentioned earlier, I am getting better with trusting God – that is, completely trusting God to handle everything, or the “HOWS”. The newest task that has been added to this journey is expectation. Basically, expecting to receive God’s blessings (during the how moments) while staying focused on my dream, or my purpose. Yeah.. it’s pretty complicated. My problem has been going from trust to expectation without becoming anxious because I do not see anything happening. I know it’s going to happen because He said it would. But.. WHEN?! HOW?! Now, THAT is a discussion for another blog! Lol. One day I will share my testimonies. Believe me, there are many. Y’all, God is constantly blowing my mind! Smile
Well, that’s all I have for you today. Have a blessed week!
It’s not Wednesday yet so I won’t put this under my Wednesday Writings. Earlier I posted a quote from two years ago. At the end I noted how it took me two years to take the leap. Yes, two years to finally start living the life I had always dreamed of. Which was and is true. However, I never imagined living out my dream alone– meaning without a companion. Being transparent and honest.
Really, what good is living your best professional life if your personal life sucks? Don’t get me wrong, y’all already know I love my babies but it’snot the same as having a man in my life. I know I could go get one. Yep, there really are plenty available. I’m just afraid I’ll choose the wrong person again. So afraid that I won’t even allow anyone in.
People have suggested that I date several guys until I connect with the right one. The crazy thing is, I don’t even know how to date. Y’all, I have never dated before. Well, not the dating they refer to today. Back in my day, “dating” was considered talking. What’s now considered “committed” is the only dating I know. Then there’s connecting with the right person. My first boyfriend was the only one who pursued me. The others, I did the pursuing. Trying not to go that route again because as I said, I don’t choose well.
So what should I do? Where do I begin? I’m always joking about God delivering him to me, but that might just have to happen. I don’t trust anything online. Guys are always sending me messages, but I don’t respond. How am supposed to know if the person on the profile picture is the same person I’m having a conversation with? Then there are online dating sites. I heard most sites are hook up sites. Not into that. Might meet a stalker. I recently watched a movie about speed dating. Now that I could probably do. It seems fun until you meet that one clingy dude that you don’t like but they like you but won’t leave you alone. Ugh!! Yep.. guess I’m not ready to date. Maybe I just need a friend. But that could also get ugly. What if I fall for the friend and he doesn’t want me? Or vice versa? Whew!!
I guess I’ll be alone for a little longer. Maybe I’ll meet someone at Target. Or at the airport. OR at a restaurant- because I’m always eating.
I just want someone I can share my dream with for the rest of my life. Yep… that’s what I want. It’s no fun doing it alone.
Well, thanks for reading another one of my random blogs.
Good Night. Consider this my Wednesday blog unless I wake up and feel like sharing something else. Not going to proofread. Too tired.
It’s Shaun’s World 
You must be logged in to post a comment.